Some advice from coupled

[Gaius]

Hi everyone, I am a married bi men. My wife is fully aware of my bisexuality, but in the meantime we do nothing about it. She knows that I have played in the past with men, and is okay with it. I always thought that being with one person (either male or female) will be okay for me.We are together for the last 5 years, and I have started to fatasize constantly about having a man with us. She is not so comfortable with the idea. We have had many discussions about it, and she says she would be okay if it was a "one time deal". But she knows it will not go away so easily as that. I think she is right. Now as I have played with swinger couples in the past, I am pretty okay with the idea of open marriage. I am not sure in what fashion it would be best for us, but I am willing to try it. I love her dearly, and would never act behind her back. SO, cheating is not an option. What do you think, I do not know how to bring it up in a way that will be comfortable for her. How do some of you manage marriage and your bisexuality ?

[steve10557]

You have to talk honestly about how you feel and she must do the same for you, tell her what you've told us. The most important thing is to give her time to get used to the idea and you must appreciate her point of view, she sees the danger in this, you only see the need. But there is always the possibility that she will never get used to it. What will you do then? Maybe, eventually the both of you should go to see a Sex Therapist if you can, but for the situation to be resolved one of you is going to have to bow to the others needs and your relationship will be changed. Hope you get through it.

Things my Dad said: "Are you sure you want to do that?" (on struggling to take the top off a shaken bottle of fizzy lemonade)

[chtampa]

Hi everyone, I am a married bi men. My wife is fully aware of my bisexuality, but in the meantime we do nothing about it. She knows that I have played in the past with men, and is okay with it. I always thought that being with one person (either male or female) will be okay for me.We are together for the last 5 years, and I have started to fatasize constantly about having a man with us. She is not so comfortable with the idea. We have had many discussions about it, and she says she would be okay if it was a "one time deal". But she knows it will not go away so easily as that. I think she is right. Now as I have played with swinger couples in the past, I am pretty okay with the idea of open marriage. I am not sure in what fashion it would be best for us, but I am willing to try it. I love her dearly, and would never act behind her back. SO, cheating is not an option. What do you think, I do not know how to bring it up in a way that will be comfortable for her. How do some of you manage marriage and your bisexuality ?


We do a threesome with a bi guy. She gets double the attention and I get to play a little also. Works very well. No cheating that way.

[Realist]

Gaius, I think Steve's advice is viable.

I lived with an older married couple for some time in my youth. (I was about 20, they were in their late 30s/early 40s) The husband was very bi curious, but his wife was strictly straight.

Like you, they discussed his desires and, at first, she was totally against him (or her) being involved with anyone else. He was very honest with her and hadn't cheated, but never passed up an opportunity to discuss his needs to be with another male. He, too, was willing to share, or allow her to be with others.

He and I were friends in the Army, but they did not know I was bisexual.

He and I began to have discussions about bisexual people and, feeling like I could trust him, I confessed my bisexuality. By then, his wife knew me well and he asked if I would explain to her about being bi. We progressed a step at a time until she felt safe and comfortable with me. Then, over a period of several weeks, his wife agreed to let me join them sexually.

Eventually, we all became lovers and I believe that was one of my best relationships, ever.

I can't advise you about your own situation...But, I'm sure we progressed because of us not rushing to sex. Taking it slow and easy, giving her plenty of time to understand her husband's needs and her acceptance, worked perfectly for us.

Of course, she could have said no, just as easily!

Only you can determine what is right for you and your wife; this was just one explanation of how a similar incident worked for us.

Good luck.......best wishes for a fulfilling future.

[Hypersexual11]

Good advise so far. With your situation, the only way to have your cake and eat it too is to have a relationship like Realist's. It would be a long haul, as first you have to find someone you like, then you have to hope that he and your wife become very close friends. Once they are friends, the thought of bringing him in to your bed wouldn't be so outrageous. A lot of women feel a very strong need to know the whole person before having sex. Once the relationship between them is established, it may be easier. Good luck man. You could spend the rest of your life looking for that guy.
Most of us either suppress it or cheat. The other options.

[Gaius]

Thanks for the advice so far. As it is, I am being as honest an open as possible with my wife. I guess that finding someone I can be with is a viable option. Just need to find someone we both are attracted to, and have good communication with. I guess I need to try and understand what is it that she is afraid of. I have asked her many times that question. I think she does not really know what freightens her. Maybe its the uncertainty of it. I guess many of you dealt with such questions, and found out what is the scarry thing about it. For myself, I started exploring my bisexuality with other couples, to whom I was definitely not emotionaly attached. This time I would like to have someone I care about and have feelings for. This is one of the things I learned about myself since I met my wife. I am sorry if I am pouring a bit incoherently. This is the first time I am writing about it. Thanks anyway for all the advice so far.

[steve10557]

I think I understand more now, I would imagine your wife's fear is based in the fact that you want more than a physical relationship with the 3rd party. That being the case maybe her fears are justified, she would have to share you emotionally, that's not an easy thing to do. Try to image your rôles reversed, would you be happy if your wife wanted an emotional relationship with someone else? If it was a woman, then probably it wouldn't matter too much to you (guys can accept this easier, I think), but if it was another man she got attached to, maybe you'd have reservations. It takes a very special kind of people to enter into a ménage-Ã*-trois and for it to be successful, but of course you might get lucky. Good luck with it.


Things my Dad said: "Don't mess about with it if it ain't broken"

[delane]

i really feel for you, sweetie!! It has to be difficult trying to find a happy medium, especially when your desires aren't being met...
With that being said, my husband and i discussed our sexual-desires, etc. before we ever got married, and have been pretty open to each other's fantasies. We have enjoyed the company of several different individuals, as well as each other (that is our main rule: nobody is left out and nobody feels uncomfortable--pretty open-minded, otherwise), since we play together, or not at all. We have also encountered one individual that is totally understanding and willing to work with us, so he might just be a 'regular' partner for us.
So, sweetie, communication---that is the key!! There has to be some understanding, otherwise, neither of you will wind up being fully content, sexually. i truly hope you can have some peace in your bedroom-area!!!

[Gaius]

The thing is, that I don't know what kind of relationship will work for me, let alone us. I am more than willing to explore all the possibillities. I am more inclined to swinging, so that everybody are gets equal amount of attention, but do not overrule other ways. A couple of nights we had a long talk, and she said that she thinks that nothing good can come out of trying stuff there. This is very frustrating to me, but I completely understand her fears. Just to clarify, I was open to her about my sexuality pretty much from the beggining. However, I did not think I needed to act on it. Now I know I miss it greatly. So I was not decieving her, nor is she blaming me for such a thing. I am interested to hear about someone's "magic moment". The moment he said to him/herself, what the hell let's try and see if it's fun ! Let's put aside all the fears.