Options for a coupled bisexual to fulfill their desires

[deremarc]

I was going to title this thread....In what ways can a bisexual satisfy their desires without having sex with someone other than their mate? But it was way too long...lol...and actually I am open to also hearing how people work that out as well.

So, I guess what I want to know is how do you handle the desire of the bisexual person? Not that anyone else's method would necessarily work for us, but I sure would like to hear what does work for other people.

I have heard people talk about "safe" ways of fulfilling their desire for the opposite sex. I would really like to know what that means.

I have offered him MMF, which he has refused at this point. And, honestly, I would do it because I love him, but being monogomus by nature, I don't know how I would actually feel about it. It does somehow seems less of a betrayal, than it would with another woman...I guess because it's apples and oranges, not him preferring a different apple...lol.

It seems to me after reading so many threads today, that being bi is not at all a clear cut thing, like I thought it might be. I have read things about people who never have sex with others....to people who need to and do have sex with others.

I really did have the impression (from where I don't know...comments, reading) that bisexuals have a harder time being monogomus than single sex oriented people. ( I don't know if that is even a word phrase, but it is how I think of it...) So, I was thinking it may be a "given" that he would need sex with men at some point, but I get the impression that is not always the case.

Anyway, hoping to hear from lots of people with different takes on this subject.

[canuckotter]

In my experiences talking with bisexuals, there are two broad categories of bisexual.

Some bisexuals seem to have a single sexuality which encompasses both men and women. Staying monogamous is no harder for them than it is for any totally-straight or totally-gay person, it's simply a matter of willpower. Sex with either gender is satisfactory.

Others describe themselves as having two seperate sexualities. There's one sexuality that's attracted to men, and a seperate one that's attracted to women. For these folks, no matter how much sex they have with one gender, they still suffer the usual effects of celibacy because their needs with the other gender aren't being met.

Now, of course those are the extreme positions and most people fall somewhere in the middle. :) Personally, I'm normally in the first camp -- I'm a sexual being, and that sexuality can be expressed with either gender. In this case, since I'm monogamous, my wife helps me satisfy my needs. However, I occasionally find myself intensely attracted to men, and nothing my wife can do will satisfy that need. Besides being the wrong gender, she's just not big enough or strong enough... When I want a man, I want a man who can come at least close to my strength -- and I'm definitely no weakling!

For me, those periods don't tend to last too long, and they actually normally come up when my wife's away, so once she's back it normally goes away in a day or so. The other times... I guess it's just ordinary willpower. I know what it would do to my wife if she found out I was sleeping with someone else, regardless of their gender, and that's all the reason I need to stay out of trouble.

Personally, I think the main reason I'm normally fine with not having guys is because I don't think of it as unhealthy, and that side of me isn't something I feel I have to hide. If I'd married someone who couldn't be accepting of my bisexuality, I'm fairly certain I'd have slept around a few times already out of desperation. Same if I were trying to deny my bisexuality... I'd probably eventually break down and do something, because instead of finding outlets for that tension I'd let it build up.

One thing that does help me relieve that tension is porn. I'm not a big fan of gay porn, but bi porn (as cheesy as it is) can really get me going. After watching it, it feels almost like I've been able to participate, giving me a lot of the release that I need. It's not enough to make me completely satisfied, but it takes the edge off enough, so that it doesn't take much willpower at all to stay monogamous.

[DiamondDog]

I think that it's biphobia that makes one think that bisexuals NEED to have sex with both men and women, or that they're more likely to cheat than monosexuals are if they're in a monogamous relationship.

One friend of mine he would just watch gay porn when he was married to women and he never cheated.

[deremarc]

Thanks for the replies.

canuckotter..that was exactly what I wanted to know..what takes the edge off....and how you express your bisexuality. I definitely don't want to hamper my husband in anyway, but I don't want to share him either...so there is my conundrum.

DiamondDog...I don't think that I am biphobic, just bi-stupid. I just don't know and don't understand totally. And there are bisexuals themselves that have said that remaining monogamous is more difficult for them.

I am definitely not asking from a judgemental point of view, but from a loving one... trying to figure out how to keep my husband and my relationship going great and still satisfy his desires and needs.

If my husband's need was for another woman, and we had a great sex life and connection, I would just tell him where to jump off...but, I understand the pull that this has for him, and truly want to figure out what would be the middle ground for us...and there is a LOT of middle there to come to a compromise of sorts.

[DiamondDog]

deremarc-I didn't mean to say that you were biphobic I meant that this is a stereotype that lots of people have about bisexuals.

Lots of bi couples do have open relationships where they are together as husband and wife and allow their husband or spouse to have sex with the same gender while they are together having sex as a man and a woman and neither person has sex with the opposite gender.

[deremarc]

Good! I'm glad.

I really would not want to offend anyone here. I am truly glad to have found this site, and love how open and helpful everyone has been.

And only my husband will know what he needs, but at present he is not being very forthcoming, most of what I know is from computer archives (a totally different post) and so I decided to try and learn as much as I could and here I am! :)

[Chaia]

I think that what you are doing now is the best thing that you could do for your husband. He is very lucky to have you. My husband is very understanding. He listens without judgement when I talk to him about my feelings. Like canuckotter said, having an understanding and loving spouse can do so much to help people feel comfortable in their own skin. We joke that we have the same taste in women, we "check people out" together, we rent movies that have our favorite actresses in them. These things all help.

Another thing that has helped me is this forum. Hearing other people's stories, opinions, trials, and tribulations. Would your husband consider coming to this website and seeing what other people have to say?

[Diane54]

my hubby has stated that he doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else while we are together. The one thing that will help me is not wanting to do anything to hurt him. I do miss being with another woman though, once in a while. here the bi porn helps.

[innaminka]

In my experiences talking with bisexuals, there are two broad categories of bisexual.


Others describe themselves as having two seperate sexualities. There's one sexuality that's attracted to men, and a seperate one that's attracted to women. For these folks, no matter how much sex they have with one gender, they still suffer the usual effects of celibacy because their needs with the other gender aren't being met.

.

Its not often one sees oneself described so perfectly yet so briefly.
My bi-ness, for want of a better word is exactly as canukotter wrote. I love my husband, I love sex with him, but I also need sexual contact with women. Admiring and dreaming is not enough.
I might add that this state has eventuated over quite a number of years - decades, in fact.
I am very much out to my husband and have discussed the way I am many times - years ago. Which brought us both great pain.
Neither of us want to separate or anything so dramatic and there was always an unspoken understanding between us that we're not necessarily sexually exclusive to each other - just no real knowledge of any encounters either of us may have had.
This has continued.
He knows that I have sexual encounters with other women. I am discreet and don't play near home. We just don't share that knowledge. Its about the only thing we don't share completely.
Psychologists et al may have a field day with us, but it works..... what more can I say.
To each his own.

[taz67156]

I'm sure there are many ways to please yourself being a bi male or female and its all up to you how you go about doing just that some it might be just seeing it and others might need the real thing if not a toy of some kind in place so its hard to say what can be done to fulfill that desire for anyone.

taz67156

[DGoncz]

I'm the second type; I need sex with both men and women to feel satisfied. I am also poly. But none of these things make me a slut; I don't pursue what I don't have; I take it as it comes.

:2cents:

[deremarc]

Thanks to everyone for replying. I know I am full of questions. I am trying to make heads or tails of all of this and ending up with hails or something...lol.

What I would really like to hear are how different individuals handle being bisexual in regards to their actual sex life.

If you need sex with someone that is the other gender than the person you are in a relationship with, how do you deal with that? What kind of rules do you impose on the situation?

If you are married, is it only sex with the same sex that you can have? Do you do it together? Or, would you prefer to do it alone?

Is it a don't ask, I won't tell philosophy?

Or, do you have actual relationships with someone else? And, how does that affect your primary one?

Really big question? If you have relationships with the same sex, is it okay if your spouse (providing they are str8) has sex with the opposite sex or relationships with someone?

Is keeping it casual sex easier for the spouse to handle? Or, is that really not enough connection either?

Or, if you are monogamous, what releases do you have?

Does watching porn or having cybersex or being involved in chat sites help? Do these things take the edge off OR make the desire stronger? Do these things help in staying monogamous?

I've heard some great comments and hope to hear from more of you.

[taz67156]

thats a hard question for me to answer cause of the fact I'm straight and married but if my spouse was with somebody I would hope that she would allow me to be in one also if I wanted too or have me involved with them some how.

wish I could give you more of an answer than what I did:(
taz67156

[teddyboy]

My wife and I have had a few MMF threesomes...none were that great, it seemed like we found good guys but then the sex was kind of a dud. We fantasize and talk to each other during sex a lot about seeing me with another guy. That helps me tremendously to take the edge off because she really gets into telling me what she likes to see me doing with another man. Like mentioned here previously, that activity helps me to almost feel like it is happening while still being monogamous with her.

[Reprob8]

My wife and I like to watch bi porn together, then have wild sex. Works like a charm :) She likes to vocalize more than I about what we want to do or see each other doing but that is about the only issue.

[blue_hard]

"As long as no one gets hurt..." - - - I have learned (through sad experience) to be wary of such feelings. One-on-one relationships will be stressed whenever there is a shift in the dynamic - and bringing in a third person is very stressful.

Does this mean one shouldn't? No - but one needs to go into the situation open-eyed. If you can communicate HONESTLY with your spouse/partner about your feelings (and they can with you) it should be okay - but I have seen a lot of people wreck their lives this way.

A lot of times, I've found that just talking with your significant other about the options of a third person, just talking about the fantasy, is all that really is needed to relieve the craving. Role play is great here. But, when attempting to make it real, if things start to feel dangerous - that's when you have to stop and take stock of the situation.

In summary - don't get burned.

[zarine]

Now, of course those are the extreme positions and most people fall somewhere in the middle. :) Personally, I'm normally in the first camp -- I'm a sexual being, and that sexuality can be expressed with either gender. In this case, since I'm monogamous, my wife helps me satisfy my needs. However, I occasionally find myself intensely attracted to men, and nothing my wife can do will satisfy that need. Besides being the wrong gender, she's just not big enough or strong enough... When I want a man, I want a man who can come at least close to my strength -- and I'm definitely no weakling!

For me, those periods don't tend to last too long, and they actually normally come up when my wife's away, so once she's back it normally goes away in a day or so. The other times... I guess it's just ordinary willpower. I know what it would do to my wife if she found out I was sleeping with someone else, regardless of their gender, and that's all the reason I need to stay out of trouble.

Personally, I think the main reason I'm normally fine with not having guys is because I don't think of it as unhealthy, and that side of me isn't something I feel I have to hide. If I'd married someone who couldn't be accepting of my bisexuality, I'm fairly certain I'd have slept around a few times already out of desperation. Same if I were trying to deny my bisexuality... I'd probably eventually break down and do something, because instead of finding outlets for that tension I'd let it build up.

One thing that does help me relieve that tension is porn. I'm not a big fan of gay porn, but bi porn (as cheesy as it is) can really get me going. After watching it, it feels almost like I've been able to participate, giving me a lot of the release that I need. It's not enough to make me completely satisfied, but it takes the edge off enough, so that it doesn't take much willpower at all to stay monogamous.

if you were in a monogamous relationship with a man, would you find yourself having strong urges to be with women and wind up watching straight porn or something?

i totally despise porn, but if it will help my very gay boyfriend, i guess i'd have to accept it. right now he doesn't watch any kind of porn. he hates watching straight sex, and he doesn't touch gay porn for fear of suddenly "going back to that lifestyle", plus i'm sure he's afraid of anyone finding it and thus his secret. he even refused to watch brokeback mountain with me even though it's not very detailed sex-scene-wise... i wanted him to see it, thinking maybe it would be good for him to kind of face things, and see the importance of being true to yourself, but he was so afraid he'd find himself going back. but lately since he seems to be having some boredom problems with my body, maybe he'll be more willing to watch gay porn.

so does anyone have any suggestions of movies or something that aren't typical totally disrespectful nasty porn, but more like a bit more... um... on the romantic side or something? well i guess i shouldn't really be concerned about what it is since i won't be the one watching it, but i really do not like porn and it's view of sex and the way people just treat each other like objects and are so disrespectful toward each other. i really can't promote those attitudes, so i'd really prefer to find stuff for him that doesn't perpetuate the idea that other people simply exist for one's selfish physical needs, to be used however like they are some kind of product! ok, i'm ranting, i know i need to shut up about my ideals, but really, if you know of anything decent where the couples treat each other respectfully.... or even bi porn... maybe he'd feel more comfortable with that.... i don't know anything about this stuff, it was a huge step for me just to buy that stupid freaking dildo, and now porn... lord help me....

[the sacred night]

In my experiences talking with bisexuals, there are two broad categories of bisexual.

Some bisexuals seem to have a single sexuality which encompasses both men and women. Staying monogamous is no harder for them than it is for any totally-straight or totally-gay person, it's simply a matter of willpower. Sex with either gender is satisfactory.

Others describe themselves as having two seperate sexualities. There's one sexuality that's attracted to men, and a seperate one that's attracted to women. For these folks, no matter how much sex they have with one gender, they still suffer the usual effects of celibacy because their needs with the other gender aren't being met.



I have always wondered about that. I'm the second and was always curious as to whether we were all like that or not.

[canuckotter]

(Sorry for not responding earlier, I've been pretty busy the last little while and not reading the forums as thoroughly as I should.)


if you were in a monogamous relationship with a man, would you find yourself having strong urges to be with women and wind up watching straight porn or something?
Yeah, probably. Actually, I don't think I could give up women at all. If I were dating a man, I think I'd need to occasionally have an opportunity to go play with a woman. So yes, at the very least, straight porn would help. :) As it is, I can deal with not having men, but occasionally I need some sort of release. Since real men aren't an option, porn is an acceptable substitute.