That straight friend

[homer2020]

Good day folk,


I'm sure enough of us have been there. You know that straight friend you fall for... Big time. Well I'm in the same situation I guess and we all know it sucks but the only reason I know of this site was him.


So here's my story. I moved in with a friend and his son, I had met my friend at college the previous year. He was a mature student, long story short things got tough after he became a widower. I admit I had a small level of attraction for him from day one, but generally not my type. At the time no one knew I was bi, I was particularly afraid to tell him.


One day ( this was before i moved in) his son was using my friends school laptop, and me being the computer savvy person that I am, he asked for my help. So I hopped on the computer and started to type something. This site popped up first so I was a little taken back. His son doesn't use the laptop plus he was only 9 at the time. That's not all though under that were sites of gay porn... Specifically younger men and older men. Dad/son type things. Now I do consider myself to fancy older men so naturally I was curious about this, but perhaps a little too shy at the time to react on it, plus I wasn't out at the time.


I didn't mention the website to him tell much later on when we moved in together. He asked me if I was gay, so I said no... Which technically wasn't a lie! So I asked him if he was gay or bi and I mentioned the bisexual.com website but he said no and he was just curious about the bisexual experience. I didn't ask him why he had gay porn plastered over his browser, just the website. Which was apparently just research I guess.


Anyways life went on, I moved out once again and living on my own, we've been the very best of friends for years now. I really wouldn't want to ruin that. We seem to be getting a little closer lately and now I've really fallen for him, he says he's straight, which given the circumstances I don't quite buy. I told him I was bi about a month and a half ago, and he doesn't care in the slightest, we actually seem to be getting a little closer, however since I've come out to the folks and my important people I seem to have come out my shell significantly (kind of the honeymoon phase of coming out! Seems to have mellowed since some other unfortunate circumstances have arisen). Now I feel like I'm completely falling for the guy, he relies on me a lot and so I see him quite often, he invites me over all the time.


I guess the underlying question here is: do I tell him how I feel? I mean he does seem to be into the older/younger thing, where most of his friends do tend to be younger, but that will also happen being the second oldest in the class, as well as thinking and acting young. If you're curious about his age, he's 52, his son is 13 going on 14 now. And I'm not looking for opinions on age difference...


He knows I love him, and he's told me the same. Just not in the context I would want. I do still find him attractive... Actually seems to look even better now. Should I ask him if he's curious at all? What of the websites? Do you think that might be seen as an attack on him?


He is single, he's dated two younger women since his wife passed away, but those relationships didn't least too long. I've probably been his most significant "relationship" since. His son told me the other week "you know you've been my dads best friend since mom died". I care deeply about both of them actually so I don't know what to do and I certainly wouldn't want to ruin this friendship.


Thanks for any advice or even sharing your own personal experiences!

[fredtyg]

Do your best not to make him feel as if he's been put on the spot. In other words, I wouldn't bring up the porn sites. I don't see any problem with probing into how he felt about bisexual.com or how he feels about sex with other guys overall. After all, you already brought up bi.com to him. Just do it in a way he doesn't feel threatened into outing himself.

You might even try having him watch some queer porn with you at the right time and see how he reacts to that and what he says.

I can't help but feel from what you said about the porn he looked at that he's very curious if not actually bisexual. You just need to make him feel comfortable in discussing it....and perhaps doing more.

Hmmm...??? Wouldn't that be something if he's still checking out this site and reads this thread?

[Realist]

Fred makes some good points.

I see several "maybes" in this situation.

Maybe he feels the same about you, but because of his son, he's hesitant to reveal himself to you, or is too shy to make the first move.
Maybe you're not his type.
Maybe he's concerned about his family finding out, his job, or friends....he may need confirmation that you'd be discreet.
Maybe he's never actually done anything with another guy and has no idea how to begin.
Maybe, if you made a point to ensure you're alone with him, in absolute privacy, you could come out and ask him his orientation, and tell him, honestly, your feelings, too.

Now, all of the maybes aside, if it was me and I felt the way you do, I'd have to chance it and ask him!

Knowing one way, or another, would be better than wondering and never finding out, wouldn't it? If he's interested, you've been wasting time wondering! If he says no, that should be the end of it...you'll know what to do, then.

Best of luck to you!

[Gearbox]

God NO!:eek2: Don't tell him that you've 'fallen for him'!!!! Not straight out anyway. That could turn you into a problem that he doesn't need or want:- end of friendship!
But seeing as you're out, you could wait for the convo to turn to dating or sex etc and casually tell him that he could try you if he'd like. Would give him the chance to knock you back without viewing you as a problem.
Could also get a chance to judge his reaction and suggest a bit of experimenting too.:tongue:

[tenni]

Hi
It is a tricky delicate position to be in. I think that you need to examine what your expectations are?

Do you want him to know that you have sexual thoughts about him and that is it?
Do you want to have sex with him?
If you have sex with him, how might that impact the friendship?

Right now, you know that you have a strong emotional and physical attraction to him.
What are the consequences of having sex with him?
Can you have sex with him and not let it interfere with your platonic style of friendship?

I have to wonder if you want him to acknowledge his bisexuality and have a sexual emotional relationship with him. Live happily ever after type of scene?

It might be good if you asked him if he has ever wondered about having some physical contact with another man.(he has already suggested no but you don't believe him).
You could tell him that if the two of you did something sexual it won't interfere with your friendship. In reality you have no idea how it might impact on your friendship.

What is more important to you?
Having a sexual fling with your friend to find out that you two can not go back to the relationship that you have if it fails?

So many possibilities. What do you really want?

[Vagenvy]

Slim possibility? The gay porn on computer, might not have been the father, but very possibly could have been the son. Just saying, it is a possibility.

[fredtyg]

Realist wrote, "Maybe you're not his type.".

I'd totally forgotten about that and it could make things even more awkward for both of you.

I had a friend- probably my best friend in recent history- that moved out of the area. I believe I told the story before here about him being a gay basher, at least verbally. I got to wondering before he moved if he might have bi interests, though, from something he said.

The problem was, he just was not my type. I had no interest at all in a sexual relation with him. He was my best friend, but I did NOT want it to go there. I often wondered what I would have done if he would have asked me to get sexual with him? I just don't think I could have done it. Luckily, that never happened.

Could be the same thing going on here: He thinks the world of you but you're just not his idea of a male sexual relation. Problem is, I don't know how you could find out without it being a bit of a mess. Just don't put him in a situation where he feels he can't back out. If it gets to the point where you suggest any sort of sexual activity and he declines, just leave it at that and look elsewhere. Leave it to him to take it further after that.

[Country Guy]

I know how you feel. It feels wonderful and hurts like hell at the same time. He's the perfect guy for me, for so many reasons. I just love him to pieces.

You've gotten some great advise here.

I'm not out to anybody but the wife. So it was a big deal to come out to someone. He had that "deer in the headlights" look. I wasn't sure if he would come back, but 2 weeks later he's at my house for a cookout. The key is to be non threatening. He knows I'm Bi, he knows I'm crazy about him, and he knows I've been feeling pretty gay these days. I don't think he would ever want to do anything. I'm just a good friend to him. But if he did want me, look out!!

I feel like I'm truly blessed to have a friend like this. As much as I'd like to have sex, I'm not screwing up this friendship. I guess I love him enough NOT to do anything.

But if I found gay porn on his computer......:tongue:

[Country Guy]

I just looked at Homer's profile. I'll bet this is a lot harder at 23 than it is at almost 60.
Your friend might be afraid that sex might screw up a good friendship. And then there is his teenage son.

[homer2020]

Thanks guys, lots of replies!

i guess I didn't think much of not being his type. I could see how his son finding out would be an issue to him. Our mutual friends probably wouldn't be all that surprised, it was actually a rather common question I had to deal with, as in if we were together. He's also the kind of guy who really likes to reiterate just how straight he is by talking about sex or attractive women. I don't think I've gotten through a conversation without him reiterating his straightness. Which well maybe he truly indentifies as straight. He also talks about his wife a lot and I think he feels guilty being with other people. He wouldn't say that, but it does seem to be an issue to him which I fully understand. Personally I think he's very bi curious but doesn't want to act on it, which if not I respect that. His age would also play a significant role. Not do I think he would want to harm our friendship, which I understand because I'm probably the closest thing he's got to family or someone who truly cares about him and his son. Clearly he's looking for some kind of companionship but seems to have stopped at me. I don't think either of us have gotten along better with someone else in a very long time.. My love life really hasn't been that great, and well this is the closest I've had to a relationship that gives and takes. I've dates three different women, the first one didn't work out, the second ended in her passing and the third came out as a lesbian (total respect and still great friends). But now I'm left with this family feeling I guess. I think tht might be a big issue as the three of us seem to be more of a family type thing, I'm not sure where I stand with his son, but he's does look up to me an I get to help him with homework. Now my friend used to call me bro for the longest time which isn't exactly a thing you'd call someone you want for more than friendship but he's since just been calling me by name, with some very heartfelt conversations. So it's a little muddled up there because not many people sleep with family! I pretty much see him everyday after work, but I guess I'm a little too nervous to really mention the conversation even though conversations do seen to end up at some point talking about sex! I'm just trying to work up the nerve to see how he feels about a little experimentation. We both seem to have a general rule about no anal play as both of us seemed to have similar childhoods which is a touchy subject in it of its self. Anyways guys I'm working up to saying something and ill most definitely let you know how that goes.

[Hypersexual11]

I have warning bells ringing when I read this. He knows you are bi, asked once if you were gay and makes it a point to focus on his straightness. You could approach him with this. I doubt it will change your friendship. I'm sure he knows you are sexually attracted to him. He's probably expecting it. If you bring it up, he sounds like the kind of guy that will smile, pat you on the back and say no thanks.

I suggest focusing your energy elsewhere. Do you have to see him every day? It sounds like he's the only guy in your life. Time to branch out some. I'm sure there are guys out there that don't entail this much mental anguish. Good luck. Keep us posted.

[fredtyg]

I have warning bells ringing when I read this..

Sure, it could get awkward, or worse, but isn't that the way with any attraction- same sex or hetero? And I'm sure this same situation has played itself out umpteen times over time. That's how guys have always found girlfriends and boyfriends. Problem is, it's a bit more dicey from a same sex perspective.