This has been a terrible month, I don't know where else to turn.

[buck-rogers]

Hey everybody,

I'm buck-rogers, I used to frequent this forum when I was attending high school and I only decided to revisit again recently and I see that there have been a few changes since I was last here. I'm delightfully surprised to see that my old account is still active despite such a major overhaul. During some of my past crisis' the collective lot of you always had the patience and understanding to help a younger me while he was still trying to find himself and figure out who he was, and while I hate to fill out an obligatory welcome back thread or simply use this site as a dumping ground for my problems I'm at a point where I have no one else to talk to and I need to write my problems out to help me sort them in my head.

Anyways, it all started a few years ago when I met the girl of my dreams. She walked into my life and for the first time I thought I had met a truly kindred spirit. She was beautiful, fun to be around, seemingly worshiped me for some unapparent reason and even had a sexual appetite to match mine. It wasn't long before our meaningless sex transformed into genuine affection for one another and then into love. After only a couple short months she moved in with me, then after a year of living together I proposed (she excitedly said "yes") and after a year of being engaged we started planning our life together. Everything had always been so natural between us that the relationship seemed to be effortless, we didn't fight, we spent plenty of time together because we wanted to and while we were together our sex life never slowed down. At least it didn't slow down until August.

During what would be our last month together our sex life had slowed down from a couple times a day to several times a week. Considering how long we had been together it seemed only natural and I didn't see it as cause for alarm. But her affection towards me seemed to be declining as well, and then we were talking less and less until she tells me with a single day's notice that she's leaving me. Our discussions regarding our relationship quickly devolved into a full on fight and then a shouting competition and before I knew it, she and all of her things were gone.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks and I find out that she's found someone else already and I've basically been disconnected from my friends and family for one reason or another (my family is out of town at the moment) and I have nobody to talk to about everything that's happened. I spend every night by myself and it's the first time I've lived by myself in years, it's unnerving and uncomfortable to the point where I'd be looking forward to going to work if things weren't so whack there as well. Recent budget cuts at work have managed to turn my otherwise mundane and routine days into stressful endeavors. Work has become so terrible that taking time off this weekend to attend my grandmothers funeral comes as a relief despite my grieving.

During all of this, the one person I always counted on to be there for me is gone and I'm having trouble coping. I honestly thought we'd be together forever and now I find myself trying to plan a new life, one I never wanted for myself. I feel a strange dissonance between me and reality right now, it's numbing and It's almost as if everything is strangely unreal. Getting back to normal, back to myself is proving to be very difficult.

And on top of everything, the next Sonic the Hedgehog game has been delayed by a week. Balls.

[elian]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so stressful lately. Go one day at a time. Did you reconnect with anyone at the funeral? Maybe if your family is out of town you could have a meal or spend some time with someone you saw there?

[tenni]

Life sometimes sends us challenges that are difficult. It looks like you have experienced the three major life events that cause us stress( a/ end of a relationship, b/ loss of a job or problems at work, c/ death.)

It is difficult but be careful not let yourself look at the world in negavity or fall into a deep depression.

I remember some of my life challenges. I also know that I did grow stronger strangely enough. I was able to handle future challenges easier than when I was younger. Those earlier problems seemed to prepare me. Hopefully, this is what happens to you in the future.

[chuck1124]

Buck,
It is so easy to fall into that depressed sinkhole. Its so easy to say, "the hell with it. Why does everything happen to me?" I felt that way when I was divorced after my wife was cheating on me. I swore, I'd never love again. But, later, I found that woman and life began anew. Recently, I lost my job and was ready, again, to crawl into that hole and say, "the hell with it, why does everything happen to me?" But, later, I found a job that is wonderful. I'm old enough to retire, but, heck, I love what I do. The point is, when one door closes, another one opens. You just have to keep your chin up, your eyes open, and your mind positive. If she was not the one, there will be another. Look around, keep your resume current. That better job will be there. Positive things happen to positive people. We, on this site, are pulling for you. For most of us on this site, for all our bizarreness, we are a family.

Good luck, keep your chin up,
Chuck

[buck-rogers]

Thank you for your kind words guys. Everything was looking up for me so long that it's just really hard dealing with this much trouble in such a concentrated dose. I'm going to try and look forward to better times and take your advice.

[bityme]

Hi Buck,

I saw something in your post that I find very interesting. You start out by referencing prior experience with this forum and saying"


the collective lot of you always had the patience and understanding to help a younger me while he was still trying to find himself and figure out who he was

Your prior posts certainly indicate that you seemed to have found some balance in your life and were comfortable with the person inside your skin. Hopefully, you can think back to those days because you need to regain that very same balance and comfort. Obviously, you are not currently experiencing it since you state:


I spend every night by myself and it's the first time I've lived by myself in years, it's unnerving and uncomfortable to the point where I'd be looking forward to going to work if things weren't so whack there as well.

Having not discussed the reasons for the breakup is an indication that you have accepted it and you don't seem to be dealing with any blame issues. It appears that your main concern is readjusting to your new "single" status.

One of the common things I see when people discuss relationships is the notion that a partner "completes them" or "makes them whole." When that partner is removed from the scene the person experiences discomfort, a sense of loss, a lack of balance, sometimes even hopelessness. It really is very seldom that before, during, or after a relationship that individuals express a recognition that they are a complete person in and of themselves. The partner does not add anything to us or complete us in any way. What the partner does is compliment us, allowing us to adjust to their continued presence in our life. Sometimes that complimentary relationship is, as in your case, only temporary.

Having ended the relationship, you are back to dealing with life as the same complete, capable individual you were before she came into your life. This is what you need to focus on.

It would appear that prior to meeting this "dream girl," you liked yourself as you were. Think about that time and work on being your own "best friend." Don't try to always be with others. Take some time to do things for and by yourself. Reinforce the fact that you are a good person, without the absolute need of another. That old comfortable feeling about yourself will soon return and your spirits will be lifted. That "strange dissonance between [you] and reality" will resolve itself.

I am not discounting the fact that you liked, enjoyed, even loved your lady. But love, like anything else in life, is NOT a constant state. It is an evolving process. It changes. It ebbs and flows and sometimes the object of that love leaves us. People move away or die, relationships end. These are all a part of life's possibilities. The most constant thing in your life is you, the individual. Yes, we grow, change, face new challenges, but the one, and only, thing we truly have control over is our individuality.

Embrace yourself, enjoy being you. Admire who and what you are and treat yourself as someone special. If you do this, that balance and comfort will return to your life much faster and you will once again find yourself moving forward with your life.

Best of Luck

Pappy

[Gearbox]

Got to of course fully agree with Mr Bityme there.:bowdown:
You've gone from having your future all set out, to having it all left to chance. It's a shock! You made her your guide IMO. Let experience be your guide and it'll be so much easier to take on chance & face changes.
Still a shock though. Will take a while to get your bearings, but you will.:)

[observer]

You should seek a counselor to talk out these problems. They can help you with these issues and refer you to a mental health professional if you need it.

The people on this forum are nice but they are not qualified to handle your problems and as a result any advice you receive could do more damage then good.

[bib4u]

Many posters here go thru various life crisis, but get on with their lives. Learning to live in the present, always learning from the past, but NEVER being held captive by it is another thing. When/if you can separate your past failures with your present success, only then will you be able to go forward and excell in the present and PLAN for the future.

It seems you need someone else in your life, you WILL eventually meet them, "IF" you try, they won't come mysteriously to you, you must make the effort and learn all over how to date, etc, become that charming person you once were and take on the day!

Finding a new friend or friends must include the honesty to let them know, early on that you ARE bisexual, this will help cement your relationship, you are not going to suddenly be either straight or gay, you will always be bisexual, a bisexual friend, lover or just fuck buddy are just a few of the options YOU need.

There is nothing wrong with seeking help here, but professional help IS what you need now to get past your immediate "victim mentality"...Get it asap, don't dwaddle on the past and become foolish! It's YOUR life, start with today making small steps and becoming the kind of person you need to be, an honest individual and a part of society, not just a user. Learning to learn and give, well, you'll see.

[elian]

I searched for about an hour but I finally found the video I was looking for..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vubfbLg8mmk

Although life can sometimes feel painful, the greatest lesson the divine can teach us is not punishment, but rather compassion - that is the true power of human beings.

You are worthy and loved more than any one of us can show you with our physical bodies. You cannot own that love, it was never yours to possess - but in its purest form it is given freely and timeless.

When I remember those who I love who have passed I think of them not so much as "gone" but rather "gone home" .. in this world physical possessions and our physical bodies are tools for learning. None of us can live forever, but our memory of the gifts those we love share with us lives on.

This is rather long winded but a decent sermon:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f07d9Ss8Va4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31QNiwCL77M

[dafydd]

I can empathise about the delayed game. it really makes a shit week shittier. They delayed Skyrim DLC for almost a year. that was freakin tuff. just have faith that once Sonic arrives, everything will feel a little easier to handle, trust me.

Daf

[buck-rogers]

You are quite amazing bityme, and very observant. Your take on the situation and your kind words are just what I needed. Thank you, I sometimes forget myself and just how much growing up I still have to do.

[Wonderous Oblivion]

"Was mich nicht umbringt, verschiebt das unvermeidliche."

Or so that is probably how you feel. Of course it hurts! It should. You lost a major part of your life. A defining relationship. I would offer platitudes, but I know they will be no balm to your hurts.

However, what you are seeing in response to your post are members of this community stepping up and taking time to listen and offer compassion to you because they/we/I care. There is no magic wand that to waive that will heal your hurt. I wish there were -- I would use it immediately without regret. I do not doubt if, from need or want, you were to contact any of us who responded to your post, each one of us, to a person, would do anything we could to help you.