Ever been cheated on?

[MisBC13]

Here is just a couple of general questions. Everything seems fine in your relationship, but then you find your spouse or partner cheating, what was their excuse as to why they did it? Have they ever blamed you for their cheating? What did you do about it? Or why did you cheat?

I question all of this because it has happened recently to me. I'm questioning why and if there really is a real answer. Plus I'm curious for others feedback and opinions. Thank you!

[Neonaught]

My wife and I have been together 26 years next month and we have both strayed during that time. It's a normal reflex to have a cheating spouse blame their partner and some times it may even be valid. In my case my wife was put on a med that killed her sex drive. After a few years of no sex I had a fling and got caught. We separated for 18 months and then reconciled. As for your predicament, you will just have to listen to the reasons given for the transgression and try to impartially see if there is any truth to them. Marriage therapy can be of value too but only with a good therapist and there are a lot of crappy ones out there. Good luck and let me know if I can help.

[innaminka]

In my marriage, we both cheated - really cheated - once. That is each of us had a full blown affair; the sort that involved real emotional involvement and not just sex for sex's sake.
Both our affairs were round that 7 year itch period and each lasted about 3 months.
neither of us really considered leaving the marriage, but each of was hurt.
Why??????????? Dean?? Who knows. Opportunity comes in various ways and guises.
certainly I was at the point where my latent bisexuality was really kicking in, causing me huge mental and emotional confusions. It was before I came out to myself. It probably acted as a catalyst for that to happen.

In the second half of our marriage, we had a form of "open" marriage: we were spending 5-6 months apart because of Dean's work in the Pilbarra and my business in Melbourne. It worked on the DADT formula the US services used.
However to the best of my knowledge, neither of us really got emotionally involved again until after we separated. That was close to 14 years later.

[FunE1]

Yes.

My third wife (cough, cough... needless to say I am a hopeless romantic) started having an affair around the 10 year point of our marriage. I didn't find out until 2 years later... but there were plenty of clues that, now, are much clearer to me than they were then. She had all sorts of excuses why it was really my fault. We briefly tried some wedding counseling but it didn't work: the truth was that she just didn't want to be married to me any more.

This was back in 2009. I'm still not really dating seriously these days, but I have plenty of fun, and I've gotten back to actually being bisexual, which I did not do the entire time I was in the military and/or married (basically from 1984 to 2011). While my ex has never truly been honest about some of the particulars (e.g., WHO the affair was with and how long it lasted), we are actually good friends these days, sharing custody of our 14 year-old dog, and going to dinner, events quite often.

I was deeply miserable for a long time... hell, there are days that I'm still pissed/angry/depressed about it... but I've come to realize that it was a complicated situation. I don't excuse what she did, but I understand it. So many of us are just so afraid to simply speak up and say what's really going on in our heads and in our hearts, especially when what we have to say is going to hurt someone else.

Sorry you have to go through this.

As Dan Savage would say (in another context of course), "It gets better."

[Visexual]

My wife and I had a few swinging/swapping adventures early on in our, now, 41 year marriage so the fact that we might have had sex with someone else, even cheating, isn't so much of a shock.

I've cheated, never an affair, with maybe 10 females in this 41 years. And there have been 6 males but I really don't feel that's cheating and, if she knew for sure, I don't think she would either. And every single one knew up front that I was happily married and staying that way!

I know of one guy she cheated with a long time ago. She denies it though. And I think there have been two or three more. Like me though, nothing like an affair. It's simply a 'right time and place' thing.

It'd be cool to just agree to have an open marriage but that's just not her..., well, me either really. So, we have a don't ask/don't tell unwritten, or spoken, agreement. It works nicely for us.

[MisBC13]

Here's my thing if I catch you at her house or you have her in my truck, then tell me the truth. I've asked several times over the last year or more if he loves her. He says no. Then I ask well if you don't love her or care about her, why is she so hard to get away from? My thing is if you don't want me, then leave, I do not care if we have kids together. Go be happy and stop making me miserable b/c I'm not freakin stupid. Plus do not tell me you love me and want to buy a house and this b.s. if your going to get caught at her house. My kids are seeing this. All I want is the truth, I don't care if it hurts. So now I feel like an idiot and of course I am to blame b/c I supposedly treat him like a child. Which I don't!!! But if you say your at the bar and I clearly find you at her house b/c of my intuition that your there, don't get mad at me. Get mad at yourself! I'd rather be alone then have someone cheat on me. His cellphone is locked b/c I found text messages to her. Here's the kicker, I know her, she knows my kids, but yet still pursues my husband after I ask her not to. So I find myself wanting to just get a divorce and call it a day! I have 3 kids and 1 on the way. I really don't need the extra stress. Also I want to add that we have sex at least once a day! How many people still do that after 3 kids and being pregnant? Not many! So I honestly think he is either a sex addict or a straight up ass****. Take your pick at this point. But all I can say is, that I'm looking for a job, continuing my schooling, and taking care of my kids the best way I can. He can unfortunately join me or go away! I'm at the point of no return. I don't think that I am wrong for this either.

[sterculius]

Yes, my first wife cheated on me more than once. I was oblivious to her behavior until I caught her in bed with a neighbor when I came home early from work. One of her friends told me later that he wasn't the first one. She was quite sexually promiscuous before we were married and she couldn't adjust to not having multiple lovers and settling down with only me. We have 3 children and I'm sure that our youngest daughter isn't mine although I love this one as much as the others. I reacted by having an brief affair with the friend who told me of the other men she was fucking. We divorced shortly after. In retrospect, I don't blame her, it was just who she was. She is a very insecure person who needs the attention that being desired gives her.

[justcurious4me]

Well, to relate the experiences of my first marriage, you might find comical... I know I certainly do... People that hear this and come up with two conclusions... 1.) I'm a stronger man than most for trying to make it work, or 2.) I'm incredibly stupid... But, I went to Hungary (military, if you haven't guessed) for 4 months shortly after I was married. At the end of my 4 month tour, I got home and was stranded at Philadelphia Intl Airport... I ended up running into my base commander there. He was getting ready for a flight. I let him know that I didn't have a ride back to base and he had his personal driver come back to the airport to pick me up... "Thank you Sir!!! :)" When I had gotten home, I had asked her what the deal was and she said there was issues with the car... Come to find out that she was screwing my best friend just before I got home. He ended up getting kicked out of the military for it...

Fast forward 8 months... We had worked things out to a somewhat stable footing in our marriage when I ended up getting tasked to go to Korea for a year without the family... Four months into my tour there, I get a call in the Control Tower from her... She had called me up and told me that she was 2 months pregnant... I paused for a second and ask my crewmates, "Does anyone have a copy of the Guiness Book of World Records?" My crewmates replied, "What do you think this is? A fucking library?" I asked my second question to my crew (all the while my wife was on the phone), "Does anyone know if I'm listed in there for the world's longest dick????" I just got some seriously screwed up looks from everyone as they stopped watching their traffic and in unison responded, "Not a chance..." I went back to my call and replied to my wife, "Divorce it is... Have a nice life!!!" and hung up on her... I went out later that night and ensured that I had one of the best lays of my life... Didn't even look back...

Fast forward now another 12 years... I'm 10 years into my second marriage and we've gotten to a very hard plateau in our sex life... Like others I've read in this thread, my second wife has been hit with medical issues over the past 8 years that have put the breaks to our sex life... As time has gone on, relations between us have become more and more trying. I even got to the point a couple of years ago that I actually had a one-nighter with someone I had met while in school... She wanted to continue with it for the remainder of my stay there, but I was left in a wake of self-guilt and didn't see her again after that night... There are times that I wish I had kept it going a little longer though... Recently, I have had some bouts of horniness that put simply, I just can't suppress... I have asked her, just to get shot down... She had told me to go find someone else, but I don't think we could handle it if I did... I've been teetering on the edge though... I know a woman back in my hometown that would love to get together with me... We've talked about her coming out to visit, but nothing too firm yet... My wife does know her and does like her (not in that way though), but I will say this. If she does come out, I won't be able to hold back and at that point it's just let the chips fall where they may...

Update to follow, I guess...

[centillini]

I had an old g/f we both was bicurious, been together for 9 years. I came home early from a trip and it was late at night. I went to kiss her awake and there was another person in the bed and they both was sleeping hard. It was one of her girlfriends. I thought they just did like friends do. So, I went into the kitchen and made something to eat, then into front room. In walked her girlfriend in a shirt (which is so hot). She got up to go to bathroom and heard me and came in to talk. She woke up and we started talking, she said that her and my lady did more than sleep, and she felt bad because she always liked me and thought of us as a couple. I was hurt because we always said we do it together. So, I decided to get even there and then. I asked if she wanted to make it right, she smiled and yep, I did here right there. only thing better would been if g/f ate my cum out of her. The next morning, she left g/f and I sat and talked and she told me she was done and will move out next day. I asked if she slept with anyone, she lied and said no.

[gale_mn]

yes she did it for yrs as I work nights