Just found out my boyfriend is bi... and almost cheated on me

[itsalwaysrainyinOR]

I'm not quite sure where to begin so bear with me...

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little over a year and we have been living together for about 6 months. He recently went away on a family trip & a couple of weeks after he came back I ran across something rather inappropriate & upsetting. He was sexting someone he had been connected to via a friend of a friend while on this trip; the conversation included him sending several nude pictures and describing what it would feel like to pop the other person's cherry. When I confronted him about it I was especially angry because I had come across a similar conversation several months earlier. The first time he was asking another woman for sex, but this time it was a man, which came as a complete shock for me. I have no problem with him exploring his sexuality- we have had some conversations about having a threesome with another girl for me to explore mine. I was however very upset to learn that he had nearly cheated on me for a second time (I say nearly because both times the other person was unable to meet up; had it not been for that, who knows what would've happened). He argued that it was different this time because it was with a guy and he felt to embarrassed to tell me he about his curiosities.

I want to be understanding about his sexual needs and not shame him for his curiosity. However, I'm very hurt than he chose to expose his secret to a former coworker he wasn't particularly close with rather than me, someone he should trust. Also, given this is the second time he almost cheated on me, I'm finding it hard to want to stick around to see if it happens yet again. Any advice on how to handle the situation?

[tenni]

Hi
It seems to me that you have stated that you accept his exploring his sexuality. Do you mean that he can have sex with a man as long as some boundaries/rules are established?

As far as him not trusting you to share his desire to have sex with a man, that is a more common situation than you may think. There is a lot of taboo around men having sex with men and if he may be uncertain about his masculinity. He seems to be afraid of your reaction. He shouldn’t but the reality is this happens. It doesn't forgive him but may explain a bit. Your reaction was anger but I think that you are stating that it has to do with him looking for sex without discussing it with you. That is a serious issue. The fact that this is the second time that he has sought sex with someone else without discussing it with you is a serious weakness in your relationship.

I would see this as the most serious factor as to whether this relationship can survive than his sexuality. He was not comfortable letting you know that he wanted to have sex with someone else. I think that you are trying to be liberal but deep down are you? The wanting sex with another woman is not a good sign imo. There is more going on with him that his sexuality.

[NjbiGuy01]

I felt guilty about my play behind my wife's back, but I was in therapy (to deal with my Dad's pending death from ALS), and we got into discussions about sex. He chuckled, and said I was preaching to the wrong guy....he felt that there are "simply people (men and woman) who don't necessarily fit into monogamy well.

[Realist]

The issue I see is not his interest in others, but his not being truthful to you about his desires.

Apparently, if he'd learn to be more open and honest with you, you would be open to experimenting with him....is that correct?

I think what you're saying is: Unless he's willing to come clean with his interests and give you an opportunity to experiment together, you're not going to put up with his lying and sneaking around.

You've pretty much identified your problem and it's up to you to get your Bf on track, or take appropriate action!.

[Annika L]

I'm not quite sure where to begin so bear with me...

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little over a year and we have been living together for about 6 months. He recently went away on a family trip & a couple of weeks after he came back I ran across something rather inappropriate & upsetting. He was sexting someone he had been connected to via a friend of a friend while on this trip; the conversation included him sending several nude pictures and describing what it would feel like to pop the other person's cherry. When I confronted him about it I was especially angry because I had come across a similar conversation several months earlier. The first time he was asking another woman for sex, but this time it was a man, which came as a complete shock for me. I have no problem with him exploring his sexuality- we have had some conversations about having a threesome with another girl for me to explore mine. I was however very upset to learn that he had nearly cheated on me for a second time (I say nearly because both times the other person was unable to meet up; had it not been for that, who knows what would've happened). He argued that it was different this time because it was with a guy and he felt to embarrassed to tell me he about his curiosities.

I want to be understanding about his sexual needs and not shame him for his curiosity. However, I'm very hurt than he chose to expose his secret to a former coworker he wasn't particularly close with rather than me, someone he should trust. Also, given this is the second time he almost cheated on me, I'm finding it hard to want to stick around to see if it happens yet again. Any advice on how to handle the situation?

I think I agree with the others, pretty much, but let me take a stab at describing it in my own way. It seems to me that there are two issues here: his sexuality and honesty.

It sounds like the sexuality thing is not really a problem...more of a red herring in the mix, because you have no trouble with him being bisexual, and would be willing to support his exploring that sexuality.

The honesty thing sounds like it *is* really a problem...and should be. Unless you have a non-monogamy understanding, I think you have a right to expect to feel safe in all the ways that monogamy confers. To me, requesting sex and sexting both go a little beyond "almost cheated"...but that may not be how you see it.

My advice would be that if you plan to try to make things work, then talk with him. Make sure BOTH issues are discussed explicitly, but teased apart, rather than mushed together. Make it *clear* to him that you support his sexuality and that this has nothing to do with why you are upset. Make it clear what the problem really is, and exactly where you stand on it. For instance, I would need to know why the hell he thought it was ok to ask another girl for sex? Was there a misunderstanding about his status with you...or can you simply not trust him? Same with the sexting with the guy...lots of guys think "it's not cheating if it's with someone of the same sex"...you need to let him know that you feel otherwise, and will not tolerate this happening again.

For myself, I fear this second incident would be the marker that tells me I cannot trust him, and I would be out the door. I would not want to take the chance that this isn't really the second time, but the third or fourth...I would not want to take the chance that Strike 3 would really be Strike 6, and that I just hadn't caught 3-5. Once can be a misunderstanding...twice (to me) suggests nontrustworthiness.

[Thinman275]

I recently told my wife that I was bi and really felt disconnected from women. We haven't any kind of intimacy since 98. We basically had a long drawn out conversation and she really was understanding. Upside, we now are having some really amazing sex and she is revealing a wild side in her. She is not sure about a threesome yet. But I feel she will want explore that in the future.