Problems with outsiders in my relationship.

[dseven]

Hi everyone,
A month or so ago, I told my girlfriend (bellonya) that I wanted to have a fuck buddy, not just go and look for a "touch and go" each time I needed to have sex with a guy. After a while discussing it, she said that she would let me do it. And I said, that if she wanted to explore outside of our relationship, that she could do it as well.
I knew she liked a friend we share (Let's call him John), and after asking me, she kissed him and they started fooling around (nothing sexual, just kisses and stuff). And I kissed this guy, which happens to be friends with John (let's call him Greg).

Since bellonya was already friends with John, and there was sexual tension between them, everything started smoothly.
Now with Greg, things started going on well at first, we kissed, there was a lot of chemistry, but then he freaked out about stuff (my theory is that he's insecure about his sexuality) and now also he's dating a girl and it's likely that now nothing actually will happen between, at least until he sorts out what's going on inside him.

The thing is that, even though I trust bellonya and I love her very much (and I'm sure that she feels the same about me), I'm feeling incredibly insecure about her and John. The thing is that I can't stand them being together alone, I don't trust him to the level I have to trust him. I asked him if we (John and me) could hang out more, so we can get to know each other to a higher level thus allowing me to trust him, reducing my discomfort, but he is always saying that he doesn't have much time, we just hang out once a week when we play a role playing game (nothing sexual, it's actual role on paper).

But there's more, Greg is almost 17 (bisexual IMO, but confused about his own sexuality), Bellonya (straight) and John (mostly straight) are almost 18 and I'm (Bisexual) 22. I feel old and pathetic for hanging out with people 4 and 5 years younger than me. I was bullied and I didn't have friends that understood me when I was their age, I even tried to kill myself once and now I feel like life cheated on me and like I lost all those years of my life. The other day John had a date with another girl, which is my age, and I felt incredibly envious, not because he had a date (he's my friend, I should be happy for him), but because he is doing the stuff I was supposed to be doing, when I was his age. The fact is that I'm going through a tough time with low self steem and a lot of internal drama, which I'm trying to solve.

All of this makes me feel like shit and makes my mind say things like "they're probably having sex and laughing about you right now", which is of course ridiculous.

I don't want to tell her that she can't be with him, because I don't think it would be fair for her, she's been really amazing with me, she's the strongest most supportive person I know and I'm not gonna be the one who prevents her from doing what she's supposed to do at 17. So I asked her if she could just hang out with him when I'm around, which oddly enough doesn't make me feel that bad.

And please guys, I know some of you can be pretty hard when it comes to "unsupportive couples of bisexual people", but believe me this is not the case. When I met her, I couldn't say I was bisexual without breaking down in tears feeling despair and shame. Now, I go walking down the street with my bisexual bracelet (which she made herself and gave it to me), I've came out to almost everybody except my workmates and my parents (but I'm fine with it) and I now can proudly say I'm bisexual. So believe me, she is an example to follow.

Can you please give us some advice??
Thanks for everything
Hugs,
Dseven.

[virginia123]

Whoa,back the bus up! First off, you at 22 should not be having any type of sexual activity with anyone under 18. It's called you will go to jail. You think your head is fucked up now just wait till you meet your jail mates.

You have your whole life ahead of you. 60 plus years. You obviously need to get past the jealousy shit. Be proud that you know that you bisexual. Get rid of the drama I your life.

If you want to get your head on right I recommend reading the book "Being You" by Dr Dain Heer, he is a chiropractor not a shrink. Book is a available on Amazon. This book helped both of my adult children with life issues. Good luck!!!

[dseven]

Dude, get off your USA mindset and realize that I'm from argentina, and here the age of consent is 16.
It's more than legal so chill.

[Realist]

dseven, I'm not one to give much advice. I think it's best for each of us to figure out our own paths to take. I will tell you that, from what I've read, you're the only one with a jealousy issue in this case. From my point of view, that seems to be your biggest downfall. Maybe you should find some private time with your GF (and maybe John too), then tell them exactly how you feel.

You mentioned your lack of self esteem, but you're obviously an educated and articulate person. If English is not your first language, you certainly have mastered it! On the surface you've got a lot going for you. And, at 22, you're just getting started with life. You'd be amazed at what can be accomplished, through open and honest discussions.

As one who had a close friend commit suicide, it hurts me to read that you've thought of that as a way out of personal trauma. I hope you no longer feel that killing yourself is an option!

Anyway, good luck with whatever you choose to do.......

[tenni]

Hi dseven


You do get yourself into interesting scenarios :)


The most outstanding point of your thread comments seems to be about your insecurity and lack of trust about your g/f and John being together alone. I’m not sure if you have created any boundaries or rules about them being together (sexually?). If not, you may want to sit down with bellonya to discuss rules for both of you. I’m going to guess that intercourse is not permitted?


Another point that you made is that you feel that you missed out of things when you were a couple of years younger. You are not that old to be so concerned. You should be able to do all of the things that you missed out on because it certainly is not too late.


It looks like Greg is not a match though?

[Bellonya]

Well, with everybody's permission I'm going to clarify some things,
Firstly, my boyfriend and John have kissed in the past, about an year ago, in different ocassions, this meaning that I have been friends with him for as long as my boyfriend has.
Then, onto the main issue,
Tenni: Yes, he has infact set the boundaries, not intercourse allowed and to avoid him feeling anxious, I'm not meeting with John in private, going out on "dates" and those sorts of things. And I fully respect that, since I understand where the insecurities come from.

Realist: He has talked to us, maybe not the three together but separately, communication is key here I belive, and there's being plenty of that. On the other hand, it is true that this lack of self esteem -silly if you ask me since he's amazing- is an issue and despite this situation, something that should be worked on. So, if you don't mind me asking, did you ever suffer from low self-esteem? And if you did, how did you manage to get past it? (This question is for everyone who wants to answer it)

Anyways, Dseven should come anytime and I'm going to let him update the news to everyone, but thanks for your answers.
Also, it's argentina and everything is perfectly legal (specially since him and I are the only ones involved in sexual acts), it would be appreciated if those types of comments were left aside, no need to add to the already existing insecurities

[Realist]

Bellonya, thanks for joining in. I feel better with both parties working toward an understanding.

Yes, I had a period of time when I had poor self esteem. My parents were very hard, demanding, unforgiving, people. I rarely did anything to please them...Lord knows I tried, but their standards were just too high for me! Or maybe their priorities were just different than mine. There was some feelings that I didn't fit in to the scheme of things, also. I've known I was bisexual since I was about 8, even though I didn't understand the ramifications of it, nor did I understand the sexual feelings. That was a confusing time for me.

It helped me a lot when I left home at 18 and joined the Army. There, I learned to stand on my own two feet and, by the age of 19, I accepted that I was who I was and finally got on with my life.

One thing that helped me most was, I've never been jealous. Oh, when I was a pre-teen, I had a few bouts with it, but it seemed a waste of time.

It's not that I don't love...I do. I've been in love with both genders, but I refuse to hang on, if a relationship's not working. No matter how much it hurts, I can accept when a connection is no longer viable. Anyway, you can't force anyone to love you, if they don't. People fall in and out of love and even if one can't take it, the one who wants to be free, should be free!

I think you and Dseven are intelligent people and can resolve this struggle...it may take a little work, but if you really love each other, surely you can come to an understanding.

I hope so, life's too short to spend it dealing with drama!

[stonebow]

Realist nailed it here. He's had an amazing journey of self discovery and has gained a lot of wisdom through it. I can't think of anything else to add.

[darkeyes]

Dude, get off your USA mindset and realize that I'm from argentina, and here the age of consent is 16.
It's more than legal so chill.
Wudn't mind.. but not all the USA has 18 as age of consent either.. and some states it's 21 isn't it; some even younger in some circumstances than the UK wich is 16. Jeez... must b like living in purgatory waiting till yas 21!! Some countries it's as young as 12.... a few even younger... have me own views bout arbitrary ages of consent... but in me own opinion? By general rule of thumb...18 too old.. and 12 too young.. God knos wot Joe will make of shagging at 12!!!

Nowt like stressing or trying 2 stress peeps wen they are already under stress... gud luck dseven.. u 2 bellonya.. talk, communicate, listen to each other and believe in urself, b what and who u are.. seek help and advice and here is a start...:bigrin: :love87:

[ghost_of_bluebiyou]

Bellonya, thanks for joining in. I feel better with both parties working toward an understanding.

Yes, I had a period of time when I had poor self esteem. My parents were very hard, demanding, unforgiving, people. I rarely did anything to please them...Lord knows I tried, but their standards were just too high for me!
...
I think you and Dseven are intelligent people and can resolve this struggle...it may take a little work, but if you really love each other, surely you can come to an understanding.

I hope so, life's too short to spend it dealing with drama!

Holy Shit Realist!
You do for a living, what I, a degreed engineer, can barely grasp the roots of...
and you speak with such understanding eloquence to these folks, children by our (relatively ancient) reckoning, but still recognized adults by their local laws and society.
You're fucking amazing, certainly a magnitude above me.

Bellonya and dseven... nothing worthwhile is easy in life, especially that which is most important, love.
I could offer you complicated social/interpersonal equations... axioms of truth... others might offer you their prejudice or their discounting.
Realist said it all.

Best Wishes,
Blue