Bisexual friend

[Oxbow]

Hi there need a little advice. I'm a straight man and recently went out on a night out with my best friend (who i thought was completely straight) we both got very very very drunk and crashed at his place. Went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning I went to see how my mate was doing in his room and i caught him having sex with a man I'd never seen before.... Obviously I was shocked and my mate was very ashamed and didn't know what to do.... I have since spoken to him and he assures me he was very drunk and it meant nothing...but I actually spoke with the bloke he had sex with and he tells me that my friend is very much bisexual and has slept with him on many occasions. Seen as this is my best mate ..do I just leave it or do i demand the truth ? (Even though I'm not bothered if he's bi or not cos he's my mate) cheers

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Then whats the prob, Babe? What he does in the privacy of his bedroom is His business, and why does it bother you? Has he ever made any advances towards you?
Love him for Being your mate and dont worry about his sexual fun..:}
Cheers!
Cat

[Oxbow]

I know it's all his business and I really didnt mean to intrude on what happened as it was news to me there was someone else there. And no he hasn't made any advances towards me and he knows I wouldn't be into that. I just don't know whether I should talk to him about it because I know he's really embarrassed that I found out and I would prefer him to realise that I wouldn't treat him any different or tell other people about it.

[Annika L]

I know it's all his business and I really didnt mean to intrude on what happened as it was news to me there was someone else there. And no he hasn't made any advances towards me and he knows I wouldn't be into that. I just don't know whether I should talk to him about it because I know he's really embarrassed that I found out and I would prefer him to realise that I wouldn't treat him any different or tell other people about it.

The very coolest thing ever that you could do (and that would mean so much to your friend) is to tell him that you're sorry walked in on him, assure him you were just checking in because you were concerned about him, and that your shock and reaction were just surprise, and you have no problem with him and don't judge him for who he has sex with. If he gets defensive ("oh, no, like I said, it was just that I was drunk"), let him know you don't care whether it was just that or something else...it's ok. If you do this, you may well find that he'll soon feel comfortable enough to confide the truth in you anyway...in his own time on his own terms.

Your talk about "demand the truth" puzzles me. What right have you to demand anything of him? And if you're genuinely cool with him being bi, whence comes the urge to demand? Demanding the truth is something a parent does of a child who has done something wrong. If the possibility that he is bi is neutral to you, then don't worry about the truth...it's not your business until he makes it so. What is your business is that you walked in on a friend and made him uncomfortable...apologize for that and make sure he realizes you're ok and you'll keep his confidence...that's when the truth is most likely to out.

[Realist]

Annika wrote: "If you do this, you may well find that he'll soon feel comfortable enough to confide the truth in you anyway...in his own time on his own terms."

I agree, this is an excellent approach!

Let him know you're not judging him and accept whatever he does as his business, then drop it. If you persist in trying to get him to reveal more about himself, you could drive him away. But, if you do exactly as Annika said, you may become closer than ever before. (And I don't mean in a sexual way...you've stated you are not "that way")

If he is so embarrassed and feels guilty about his desires and actions, maybe knowing he has a nonjudgmental friend, who he can be open and honest with, will open up new avenues of communication between you two.

I'd tell him what I saw, and that I wasn't prying, don't condemn him, then drop the subject. If he want's to share with you, maybe he will. If not, don't bring up the subject again.

It's very possible that letting him know that you accept what you saw, without judging him.......and that his being with the other guy is not abhorrent to you, will bring you closer than ever.

I know I'd appreciate a friend like that.

Good luck!

[fernandoruiz]

So just one question; if you're NOT into Bi-sex or are not a bi-sexual, why are you on this site? Not sure I understand. Anyway, if you are really a friend, then you should accept him for who he is and not judge him

[Annika L]

So just one question; if you're NOT into Bi-sex or are not a bi-sexual, why are you on this site? Not sure I understand. Anyway, if you are really a friend, then you should accept him for who he is and not judge him

Fernando, I think he told us why he's on this site. His friend is bisexual, and he wants to know how to handle a situation with him. This is not a bisexuals-only site, y'know.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ox-hon..(No pun intended) Just take him aside and go "Dude, we're good. I just want to let you know that I was concerned and came to look in on you. Its ok, we're good"
Then leave it alone. Its His sex life, Hon. Wouldnt You be upset if he saw you with some chick and "Demanded answers"?
Live and let live, baby. Until it affects you, dont worry about it..:}
Cat

[zigzig]

If he felt guilty, when you saw him having male sex, that means he haven't come out about his sexuality to everyone, and maybe he was afraid of loosing you. I haven't come out to all of my friends, because they are either too religious or can't tolerate people with different orientation. Even though people like me are recognized, not many people are ready to accept them.

[rn19612003]

I think most of the replies are right on the money and I do not see anything I could add to make it clearer. I have a friend that I have known since we were 15 and I am 52 now. he has no ideal about this side of me. One reason is that I did not discover this side till recently. I have thought of telling him because I am sure he would still be there as a friend, actually I think of him more as a brother. But I don't tell him because I don't want to risk loosing him. So like others have said, let him know everything is okay, you are still there for him and I think sooner or later he will open up to you because if he is anything like me, I wish I could tell my friend. Oh and one other thing, also I agree with the others, you are not in a position to demand anything, so just show him through your actions everything is okay and it should all work itself out. Good Luck

[mas8092]

I think most of the replies are right on the money and I do not see anything I could add to make it clearer. I have a friend that I have known since we were 15 and I am 52 now. he has no ideal about this side of me. One reason is that I did not discover this side till recently. I have thought of telling him because I am sure he would still be there as a friend, actually I think of him more as a brother. But I don't tell him because I don't want to risk loosing him. So like others have said, let him know everything is okay, you are still there for him and I think sooner or later he will open up to you because if he is anything like me, I wish I could tell my friend. Oh and one other thing, also I agree with the others, you are not in a position to demand anything, so just show him through your actions everything is okay and it should all work itself out. Good Luck

I'm 49 and told my friend since 2nd grade I was bi. He was totally cool with it. We have not discussed it again. He appreciates the fact it is my business and is still my friend regardless. Just tell him what you know based on the information you have and tell him you don't care. You will still be his friend regardless.

[BootyBuffet]

Ox-hon..(No pun intended) Just take him aside and go "Dude, we're good. I just want to let you know that I was concerned and came to look in on you. Its ok, we're good"
Then leave it alone. Its His sex life, Hon. Wouldnt You be upset if he saw you with some chick and "Demanded answers"?
Live and let live, baby. Until it affects you, dont worry about it..:}
Cat

Absolutely the way to handle it. The sooner the better and you should go out like you usually do and deliver the above message and move on with your usual comraderie!

[BareHunter45]

Annika L, I have never seen anyone get something so right. I can't say it any better, or add anything...but you are right on! Bill

[R. R. Wayne]

I'm with Anika L on this. Very good response.