Combatting homo, bi, and racial prejudice in one's family

[Plumhead2]

Here is my problem. I was visiting family and my son-in-law and daughter-in-law were making really offensive homosexual and racial comments in front of their young sons. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset the family. But I feel bad because these are the types of comments in front of young sons that says that it is OK to hate gays and people of other races. Is there a non-offensive way to respond to these types of comments?

[Lisa (va)]

I'm not sure the is a non-offensive way. But maybe talking to them privately would be least offensive.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Gearbox]

You could have just pointed out that you found them offensive. Maybe even correct them?

In my experience, volleys of racist and homophobic etc offensive remarks depend upon the lack of friction among the group. If just ONE turns it into a discussion, the 'ball' gets dropped.
Those kids would at least know that not everybody agrees with their parents, and there is a choice.

[biblkman]

I agree 100% with Gearbox,

People don't like to be confronted about racism or hatred or intolerance towards someone's sexuality, and will usually refrain from doing so when they know it offends or makes others feel uncomfortable.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Plum-Honey, you are Waay nicer than "I" am. I would have made it Very plain that their nonsense was Quite offensive to me.It doesnt matter if it messes with Their personal views, what matters is that you let it be known that you find it tasteful and derogatory to others And to you. It could have been said in a nice fashion, but straight forward enough to get your meaning through..:} But like I said, you Darlin are way nicer than moi..lol
Have a good weekend..
Mean Ole Cat

[Plumhead2]

Thank you all for your advice. The big problem, for me, is that the comments came from family members. I have no problem dealing with strangers or friends who make offensive comments. I once responded to a anti-female joke made by a friend by saying, "Wow, I thought that that people learned not to make jokes like that back in the '80's!" But friends are friends and family is family. My wife would have been very upset if I made a fuss about her son-in-law and daughter's comments. Besides, I was staying in their home at the time. They could have thrown me out or made my stay uncomfortable. Maybe as Lisa (va) suggested, next time I will say something in private. Again, much thanks to my cherished community members here.

[Swirl]

This is one of the toughest things this nation struggles with. We simply don't converse on these subjects well. I really respect that your post asks how to "combat" these issues. I'm afraid that is the best we can ever do. I'm constantly reminding my white brothers (and sisters) that as much as we'd all like to, we can't totally solve these problems. Many people give up hope or give in to despair and apathy because they don't understand how this stuff is still going on and want it to just go away. It is still going on and won't just go away. So combating is all we can do.

A private gentle talk focusing on your own perspective is best, even then, the result may not be the desired one; be careful. In any case, you're alright with me brother.

[ghost_of_bluebiyou]

Well...

If your son-in-law and daughter-in-law were making these comments...
Chances are moderate they know about your feelings* and were 'stomping these gay ideas out' in front of their children. Assuming the children were present, also assuming the in-laws are the highest grade people, but simply ignorant (ignorant of the fact that gay is okay).

If the children weren't present at the time, and they were aware of your feelings then this is called 'covert aggressive' behavior, where they more likely resent any healthy/tight relationship you have with your son/daughter and are simply finding the easiest way to discount you (divide and conquer - manipulative strategy).

The BEST course is to NEVER give them fodder for the cause.

NEVER lose your cool. Measured anger is okay... but you have to be sure of... the effect of what you are saying under anger...
Indeed, ask how they would feel if one of their children turned out to be gay... and whether they would (properly, equally) love the child.

That opens the window for you to openly show them as the bad (unloving) guy.

But NEVER let them provoke you to lose your cool in front of the children.

Ask Fran (Darkeyes) what happens if you lose your cool in front of children.

Confront them directly, precisely, if the situation presents itself in front of children... but don't lose your cool to anger.

*I'm guessing your adult son and/or daughter are probably aware of your feelings and may have mentioned them to their spouses.
Or at least one of your in-law kids are cleverly predatory (standard structure suggests the son-in-law) and working both "common prejudice" and "nothing allies people like a common enemy"... to the means/end of "divide and conquer". If this is the case, then this in-law probably has addictive (most likely alcohol) and manipulative personality, wants to divide and conquer your child (and grandchildren).
If my words are hitting true, you'll know/feel it, I'm hitting close to the point, feel free to email me, I can give you several tips in how to deal effectively with these personality types. It's not easy, but if this is the case, 3 generations of your family will be heavily influenced and 3 generations of life seriously detrimented by a 'rotten apple', while you stand by asking 'What the hell? for a decade".

Best wishes and good luck,

Blue

[Oborokybiman]

What I have done with family members is...tell them that you have friends who are gay bi black yellow and green. These are people who have lives, loved ones and hearts that deserve tolerance and respect. Not ridicule! Tell them you believe in GOD and it is HIS glory that all people are created equal! Its not something children need to hear or react to this as hatred!

[Plumhead2]

What I have done with family members is...tell them that you have friends who are gay bi black yellow and green. These are people who have lives, loved ones and hearts that deserve tolerance and respect. Not ridicule! Tell them you believe in GOD and it is HIS glory that all people are created equal! Its not something children need to hear or react to this as hatred!
That sounds like good advice, i1ubadd. I will try it the next time this kind of conversation arises.