I need advice on something

[donttellnehismy]

So here's the deal... I'm in my 40's now... But when I was like 10 or 11 I was experimenting with a boy I knew... We had a really great relationship going (or so I thought) then one day just out of the blue he turned on me and told the whole neighborhood that I was gay... (I'm bi for the record) to this day I have no clue why... Any thoughts? And if you need me to clarify something or have questions feel free to ask...

[fredtyg]

He probably started feeling guilty about fooling around with you so turned around and tried to go the other way to make himself feel more straight. We see that in adults on occasion where the guys who bash queers the most often turn out to be queer themselves.

It would be interesting to see where his head is at today.

[rn19612003]

I agree with fredtyg.

[_Joe_]

I agree with fred. He came to whatever conclusion that he was wrong, and the best way to feel better was make someone else feel equally or more wrong than he was.

It's a classic scenario that happens with kids that goes with anything, not just sexuality. Get caught breaking something? Make sure you get your friend blamed. Get caught going somewhere you shouldn't, blame your friend that went with you. etc etc.

[fredtyg]

It's a classic scenario that happens with kids that goes with anything, not just sexuality. Get caught breaking something? Make sure you get your friend blamed. Get caught going somewhere you shouldn't, blame your friend that went with you. etc etc.

Good point, and if anybody else found out the two of them fooled around, the friend would blame it on him and say dontellnehismy is the one that seduced him.

[R. R. Wayne]

That is the exact reason that when I was 11 to 20 I was very careful about who I had sex with. I missed out on a lot of opportunities, but I was never "outed" As much as I would have liked more cocks to suck and more mouths around my cock, I felt the risk was too high. At least we didn't have AIDS to worry about.

[mattsbutt]

Yeah thats messed up. I would have beat the shit out of my friend if he did that to me. Maybe gay-bashers in general are men who are secretly gay and trying to prove that they are not...."thou dost protest too much"

[fredtyg]

Maybe gay-bashers in general are men who are secretly gay and trying to prove that they are not...."thou dost protest too much"

I've become convinced that's mostly true.

When I was in basic training, there was a guy who was relentless in picking on another guy who was widely thought of as the "company queer". He never let up on picking on the guy. One weekend night after coming back to the barracks drunk, he hops into bed with the guy and tries to make out with him. Needless to say news of that got all over the company by morning and he was more than embarrassed. He never picked on the guy again.

One of my best friends used to constantly be putting down queers. It seemed just about every day he'd make at least one anti- homo remark. He didn't know I was queer, though. One day we were sitting in my back yard. After going on an anti- homo rant we got quiet. He turned to me and said, "You know, they say those that run down queers the most are often queer themselves." I looked at him and said, "Yep. That's what they say", and left it at that. To this day I think he was trying to tell me something.

[M4RealUb2]

donttellnehismy, this happened when you were 11. Let it go. I can imagine the hurt you must feel. Torturing yourself over why he did wht he did isn't going to change it. You two were kids. He was stupid for whatever reason. Nothing you can do about it. Next. No one knows why people do what they do.

[Realist]

I was outed in high school by a girl, who I'd told my first sexual experiences were with other males.

I'd spent the two previous years in military schools and didn't know her, previously. We began to date soon after I returned to my hometown public school.

She had shared some of her secrets with me, so I felt comfortable to tell her something about myself. She'd been taught to kiss by a female cousin, so I figured she was bisexual, too. I told her of being seduced by an older male neighbor and being with two cadets in the first year of military school, then one the following year.

Things were OK for a while, but after an argument over something I've long forgotten, she told every girl in school that I was "A QUEER!"

I learned that she'd been very vindictive with other boyfriends and did the same thing to them...a break-up was never her fault. Luckily, they treated her more like "The Boy who cried wolf"! Still, I think some wondered about me! I played it off as her being a vindictive nut!

Oh well, I lived through it, but after that, I was much more careful about who I confided in!

I know exactly what Fredtyg is talking about. I spent 7 years in the military and had a few male lovers while serving. It was a very homophobic time and I survived by using caution, stealth, and planning ahead. Having girlfriends helped take the suspicion off me, too. Back then, if any personnel were caught, or outed, serious ramifications were your fate!

[fredtyg]

This whole thing has me curious. I think we pretty much agree why his "friend" ended up acting the way he did, but I'd be interested in hearing from one of those "friends" themselves why they felt they acted that way. Would they be honest and tell us what we've already agreed to?

I'm also curious, as I wrote earlier, what those types of guys are like today? I suspect most are the gay bashing types we've all seen or heard, but certainly a few must have changed their ways and finally acknowledged and accepted their sexual taste for men. Maybe one or two are even members here?

The problem is it's understandable that they'd be ashamed to admit they acted that way. I'm thinking of posting the OP's situation on a mail list I'm on that has a mostly older bi membership and asking if anyone remembers doing something like that as a kid. I suspect I won't get anyone to fess up.

[fredtyg]

donttellnehismy, this happened when you were 11

It's still an interesting question and issue, at least for conversation purposes. I suspect that sort of thing still goes on to some extent amongst kids to this day.

I'm always surprised that in 2013 amongst a supposedly more open and accepting society (overall, anyway) when I hear from guys in their late teens and early 20s worrying about someone finding out they're queer or whether or not they should out themselves.

[donttellnehismy]

Oh as a follow up... Several months ago I found him on facebook... I sent him a friend request and he accepted... But the minute I emailed him which was just a general "how's it going? How ya been?" Kind of thing he defriended me...

[NjbiGuy01]

I ran into on of the first dudes I played with in middle school at a bar. We chatted it up for awhile, and when it felt right, I discretely asked him "you still enjoy having man-time ?". His whole facial expression changed. He asked me to step outside while he had a smoke. He (somewhat defensively) explained "hey man, we were all just fucking around at the time and doing what felt right back then...I'm married with a few kids, and not into that gay shit at all !". I calmed him down and simply said "hey man, all good, I wasn't trying to hit on you, just asking". Sometimes things change. Maybe he's paranoid when looking back on it. For me, it was what it was: A gateway to another part of me that remains something I like today. Perhaps it wasn't for him....I do wonder about the guys in our little club...some really seemed to enjoy it ! :)

[donttellnehismy]

Wow love to hear more about your club... Inbox me sometime...
I ran into on of the first dudes I played with in middle school at a bar. We chatted it up for awhile, and when it felt right, I discretely asked him "you still enjoy having man-time ?". His whole facial expression changed. He asked me to step outside while he had a smoke. He (somewhat defensively) explained "hey man, we were all just fucking around at the time and doing what felt right back then...I'm married with a few kids, and not into that gay shit at all !". I calmed him down and simply said "hey man, all good, I wasn't trying to hit on you, just asking". Sometimes things change. Maybe he's paranoid when looking back on it. For me, it was what it was: A gateway to another part of me that remains something I like today. Perhaps it wasn't for him....I do wonder about the guys in our little club...some really seemed to enjoy it ! :)

[scapegoat1987]

I think it's a common experience. I had a similar relationship with my best friend when I was younger. My family moved away when I was 13, at which point he called me one day and basically told me that he wasn't like me. That he had a girlfriend now and didn't want any part of that 'gay shit.' And for me never to call or contact him again, which I never have. I couldn't believe at the time that he was blaming everything on me, like I had taken advantage of him. I was of the assumption that "We" were in this together, and that he'd wanted it as much as I did. After all, he'd said the same things back to me and had initiated many of the erotic games that we plays. However, I often wonder if it ever crosses his mind now. Don't get me wrong. I totally understand that he was probably just scared and was performing mental acrobats to try and make sense of it all. That didn't make it any less hurtful to hear at the time. I carried the shame around for years, and I would replay the things he said to me over and over again in my mind, trying to figure out what was wrong with me . I've since let it go. We were kids after all. For all I know, it was a minor incident in his mostly heterosexual life, and he may not even recall that phone conversation over twenty-five years ago. But it was certainly a memorable moment in my life.