I need some advice about bisexuality...

[Bellonya]

Hi everybody, I could really use your advice over this matter:

I've been in a relationship with a 22 years old bisexual man (I'm a girl) for a year and a half now.
A year ago, he started missing guys, a lot, so we talked about it and he started having contact with guys, kissing and having sex with them. It wasn't regularily, more like kissing whenever he could and having sex once every two months, more or less.
It was really hard for me to let him do this, but I truly love him and I'm willing to let him "explore" if you wish, his sexuality, since he couldn't when he was single and younger (because of his parents)
But, some days ago, and out of the blue, he said that he couldn't take it any longer. He asked me to give each other a month, that he needs to explore even more, and be "free".
Hurt as I am, I understand and we agreed to talk things over in a month, but the issue is:
I miss him. Like hell. For what I know, he misses me too, but apparently what he did with me was not exploring enough. My best guess (for what he told me once) is that he wants a friends with benefits, while being with me.
And here is the dilema.
He has always stated that he cannot fall in love with a guy, that whenever he was done with them, he wanted to come back to me, yet, now he claims that he wants a fuck buddy, someone he cares about.
Also, it would hurt me a lot to know that he has another one to be with. I had almost no problem with random guys, but a friend?
I'm scared that he will eventually fall in love with this friend and then leave me, and on the other hand, I cannot be without him, so leaving him is not an option.

How many bisexuals are there that can not fall in love with one specific gender? That only feel physical need to be with them?
And do you think this is the case? Or that he wants to also fall in love with him while he still loves me?
I love him deeply, and I know he loves me as well, as we were having the conversation I could see how hurt he was, but -and I know this will cause your anger- I also feel it's like a bit selfish. I mean, I gave him everything, I never said no to him being with someone else, but having a friend which whom he will repetedly have sex with is something that will hurt me and could cause him to love somebody else.
Is there any other alternative? Or should I just get used to the idea that, if I want to be with him, I'll have to share him with the same person on a regular base?
But my main query is, is it possible that he won't fall for this guy -whoever he is-? And, if he does, what are the chances of him loving two people?

[tenni]

Hi
This is entirely from my perspective.

Bisexuals tend to be fluid as to what gender they are attracted to for at least part of their lives. I’m inclined to think that bisexuals also are capable of changing over time and so it is possible that he could move from no emotional attachment to men to developing an emotional attachment for a man and a woman at the same time.

I have never heard of a biguy who can not fall in love with at least one gender. I know biguys who are only capable of loving a woman but have a physical need to be sexually with men. Personally, I am the type of biguy that can have emotional attachments to both genders(men and women). I wouldn’t say that I was always aware of or had this ability though.

It is possible for him to love two people at the same time equally but this is not what he seems to want. He seems to want a physical sexual relationship with a man that is on going and an emotional/sexual relationship with you. You may want to research “closed loop” relationships. It seems like that may be the type of on going relationship with a man and you that he may be looking for. Bi men in closed loop relationships love their female partner and may or may not have emotional attachment to their male partner. Some look at this approach as healthier and safer than a series of single one time hook ups. If that is what he wants, you may want to look at it as healthy and perhaps safer for you.

You have been quite accommodating with him. You can work out the rules with him as to when you expect him with you and when he may be with his friend. That is three shedules and it will probably have its challenges.

Good fortune to you and your partner(s)

[Lynn731]

I have been bi since I was 15. It happened between my best friend and I. It was my first sexual encounter. It was wonderful. He was very good looking, had so many girls they were falling all over him. He was having sex with a lot of them, but what we had was between us and it meant something to both of us. We are both married now. He has two grown kids, and grand kids. We still share what we started when we are together, he lives 4 hours away so it isn't often. I have been married to my second wife for almost 30 years. A guy can be bi for just sex, which I have done many times, but still love my wife. Your guy can be as well. Even if I had a friend I had sex with, it would not stop me from loving my wife any less. Everyone is sexually confused in their teens, and I believe many sexual identities and choices are formed by your first sexual encounter. I wish your male friend could just be with a guy from time to time, and love you. If you are bi, at least for me, you can't just cut the urges off, but they don't have to ruin your life either. At least he told you what he is struggling with. I would never tell my wife, ever. The only guy I ever fell in love with, if you call it that, is my best friend. I love him as my best friend, and I love sex with him, but I don't love him as I love my wife. Many times I just masturbate watching gay movies, and that is the extent of my bi activities. Everyone is different, so I cannot say what urges he is feeling, and how he wants to handle them. You have gone way above the call of duty to let him explore, what most of us did as teens. I hope he makes the decision many of us did, it is fun to fool around with guys sometimes, but we have wives and mostly normal relationships the rest of the time. I wish you the very best. I sincerely mean that. It sounds like his exploration is what most of us did as teens, and he has been delayed due to fear of his parents. Look at it that way, until something else happens.

[hasty1]

Hi Bellonya

Firstly, tenni says some very true things, from what I know of my bi partner and from what I read on forums. Personally I think that couples can find their own way where they love and trust each other enough to expose their real selves. You are both very young still, and you both may yet mature in unexpected directions, but you do have honesty and communication on your side. He seems to have been open and honest with you and this is something very precious, he's spoken with you before he's acted on anything and has included you in his decision making. It may be that he just feels the need to explore in this way, your relationship seems very serious and moving forward with unanswered questions wouldn't be a good idea, he does seem to have his head screwed on the right way. I appreciate that it feels selfish to you, I'd probably feel the same, but being on the outside does give a different perspective, there are many men (and women too perhaps, although I don't remember reading anything from a bi woman about this) who find those unanswered questions come back to haunt them later in life, after marriage and children. It may feel selfish, but it could be a very selfless act on his part. This doesn't appear to be about you or his love for you, but it might be exactly that.

My partner and I plan to have threesomes with bisexual men in the future, so everyone gets something out of the situation, but we have discussed the possibility of one or both of us wanting that person in our lives as a boyfriend. We both think it could be problematic but that if it seems right at the time then we'll go for it. I'll be honest here, I met my partner on an adult site and we were simply fuck buddies for the first 18 months we knew each other, but a full blown relationship has evolved from that situation so we know that it's possible and have to accept the possibility of it happening again in the future. Personally I hope it doesn't happen, we are blissfully happy at the moment, and it's taken much work and understanding to get here (not just because of his bisexuality, we have had other issues too) but I'm willing to evolve, again, if a situation presents itself. Do you think that you could imagine having three of you in a relationship, you being included as an equal partner? Is that something that you have discussed, would he mind 'sharing' you?

I hope it goes well for you both

[Bellonya]

@tenni: This love for both people at the same time, was it really equally? And did you, at any point, find yourself wanting to be more with one person that with the other one? We talked yesterday, and started thinking about the possibility of this "friend with benefits" being one of our mutual friends. I just fear that he will develp feelings for him and eventually leave me.

@Lynn731: Certainly this exploration needs to be done now, as he couldn't do it earlier, and he doesn't want to wake up, being forty and not having done enough. This I completely understand and that's why I try to give him as much liberty as I can, but I also have my limits, so we try to find a balance that suits us both. On the other hand, right now, he needs to act upon these urges, if not he starts feeling physical pain, anxiety and he overall feels badly. On the other hand, it relaxes me the fact that you still love your wife, even if you have those feelings towards your friend. Maybe he won't even develp feelings, but that only time will tell. Thank you :)

@Hasty1: Thankfully, we have always been open, and that has been the key to the success of our relationship. So yes, I appreciate that he talked to me instead of just acting behind my back.
I also realize that noone wants to be old and having not "live" enough, which is his fear and I understand. It's better to explore now while he's young and without kids or even a wife. And we are also considering the possibility of a threesome, it's actually something we both want, but I don't think we are completely ready yet. Also, yes, yesterday he told me that, if I want to have contact with another boy, he would be okay with it, but truth is, I'm really not interested. Of course, maybe in some years I will want to, but for now, he's more than enough for me. I understand that it is not the other way around, but I'm confident that I can fulfill his needs when it comes to girls. So having another person included in the relationship would be something that I'm not ready for it, at least for now, I'd prefer just having this friend he ocassionally goes to, somebody he cares for.

I'm happy to say we are "back together". We met yesterday and we talked things over, none of us can stay appart much long haha. What he wants is somebody he cares for, not just a stranger. A friend. Someone he has some kind of connection and affection for.
I'm still a bit scared that he'll fall in love with that person, but I have no doubts of his love for me.
If we are lucky, he'll meet with somebody next week, and then, when his head is a bit cooler, we'll make a desition...

[tenni]

@tenni: This love for both people at the same time, was it really equally? And did you, at any point, find yourself wanting to be more with one person that with the other one? We talked yesterday, and started thinking about the possibility of this "friend with benefits" being one of our mutual friends. I just fear that he will develp feelings for him and eventually leave me...

Hi
Sorry for the delayed response. The one situation that I am thinking about as far as equal love for more than one person is a bit unclear as I never specifically asked that question. The man has known his wife for a much longer time period than his guy lover. He loves them both but his life experiences are greater with his wife.

I’m not sure but I wonder if it might be similar to asking a parent if they love their children equally?

[chtampa]

Have the threesome and only be as involved as you want. Only do things with your boyfriend if you want. You can make the rules to make you happy. Sort of like sharing him between the two of you.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Why not tak to him and see if you can come to an agreement? Give him his play-time but tell him that if he Does find a "Friend" that you'd like to be included...and get to Know this friend. A three some is a wonderful thing, Girlfriend.
But what you have to do is Trust. Trust is a very powerful thing, and if you dont have it completely, then you have Nothing.
Keep the lines of communication open, but dont let yourself become a door mat, either. State your concerns, find out where you stand, then go from there. Good luck Hon. :}
Cat