do you gets days where your not sure and feel down

[Ladycat]

Hi,

I'm posting about my husband. We've been together for twenty yrs with 2 young children. He told me recently he has feelings for men and fantasized about m2m sex.
He only developed these feelings in the past 5 yrs. Our relationship is good but our sex life had declined, he's assured me it wasn't due to a lack of desire but he knew I wasn't keen and gay porn was filling his need so he didn't want as much sex.

Since he came out ive told him not to make rash decisions and we can sort this out together. My issue is he seemed ok with this originally but for the past few days has become depressed. He said he feels suffocated, confused and living a lie.

I don't know if bisexual men do occasionally get periods of down time where they struggle with their feelings etc or if he is struggling more with the thought of staying with me instead of living a gay life, which would point to the fact he's more gay than bi.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm struggling with his revelation but trying to be supportive, he is still my best friend and husband.

Is this normal for him to be having days of depression?

[Gearbox]

Neither of you are alone with that, sadly. It is 'normal' for some.
It is VERY difficult to describe the urge to act on new-found bi feelings, but easy to see how it can effect some if not acted on. Depression and suffocation isn't rare, neither is the inability to express yourself to a partner that you love.
It's not about his feelings for you, or about living a 'gay life'. He just wants to be himself, and that often means that he needs to feel what it's like to be sexual with another man.

It might sound like he just wants to get his kicks out of 'kinky sex', but that's really not what it's about. Right now, I expect he's depressed coz he is feeling the 'Tic Toc' of life slipping him by while those sexual feelings are too strong to just sit there in his mind. He needs to explore them in the flesh IMO.
Doesn't mean that he needs you less! Just that he needs that too.

That is often hard to understand if you're the partner. But he is still the same friend and husband that he ever was.
Try not to view it as a step away from that.:)

[Ladycat]

We've explored 'kinky sex' but it made him want m2m more.

he has told me he wants to be with a man more than me and that he doesn't think he can continue to live the life we have and not explore m2m sex.
ive asked him if it would work if I allowed him a fwb type thing but he feels it wouldn't be fair to me( he's a faithful person and this goes against his belief) I've also suggested we try a threesome to see if that works.

[tenni]

"Our relationship is good but our sex life had declined, he's assured me it wasn't due to a lack of desire but he knew I wasn't keen and gay porn was filling his need so he didn't want as much sex."


Hi Lady
Will you expand on the above statement? He thinks that you do not want to have sex with him?

Based on what you have written here, he may benefit from some counselling. He seems to be having inner conflict about the morality of his recently emerged same sex desires/needs?

[Ladycat]

Yes sorry. We have a good relationship but after birth of baby 2 my libido declined. We probhad sex every 3 months. Up until that point we had a good sex life. when he came out he told me he actually Had a very high sex drive and had been masturbating daily. I asked him if thefact he had been having same sex thought make him decide he didn't sexually want me and that was the reason dispite a high sex drive he never pursued me. He says no he still finds me sexually attractive but as he knew my libido was low he had found how to satisfy himself. Now whether this is true I don't know.

[elian]

Yes, sounds like more than one issue.

No doubt he loves you, and probably still wants to have you in his life, that might even mean erotically, if you are willing and interested.
Men are taught that having desire for other men is wrong
He probably wants to try being with another man but also doesn't want to hurt you

These are powerful feelings and for some of us it's not easy coming to terms with everything.

It may surprise you, but the most liberating thing about liking men for me is that I can be who I am. My perception of men in our society is that they ALWAYS have to be strong, be willing to protect those they love. No human being can be a knight in shining armor ALL the time. For me there IS something very seductive about going against that perception, being honest and receiving pleasure from being in the arms of another man.

Until very recently I used to go through terrible bouts of self-loathing, feeling guilty because I derived pleasure from something taboo. It's hard to unprogram years of being told "no, wrong, sick, sinful" - but I think in a way its healthy to acknowledge the capacity to love both men and women. There is a lot of hurt and discontent in our culture because of the divide over gender, it may be hard to deal with but I don't think LGBT is the "mistake" that people make it out to be.

He may be gay, or he may be fixated so much on men right now that he just doesn't realize he likes both women and men.

[Ladycat]

I know he is messed up because of these feelings. He's told me he wishes it had never happened to him because he considered his life perfect before now.
pfor me the main thing he has to decide is if he really loves me and wants to stay, if so then I would consider ways to let him fulfil his gay sex side. The only problem is each suggestion I've come up with so far has been met with negativity.



Threesome- he doesn't want me there when he has his first male sex, he thinks its his own self discovery and doesn't want me to witness it,. He thinks I may not be able to go through with a threesome. How do we even go about finding like minded people to participate. He doesn't want to see me have sex with another man.

open his side- I allow him to be open and therefore allow him to hook up. He sees this as being unfaithful to me. I, not sure how I can cope knowing what he's doing, ESP as I need detail which he may not give me.
phow can I make the above two suggestions work or any other alternatives we may have?

[elian]

It sounds as though he is treating the whole situation negatively, not just your suggestions alone. I would say this is normal for a man when he first confronts these feelings. When I was much younger I would have given anything to change because I wanted to please the people around me and I wanted their acceptance. Being anything but straight is complicated, I actually used to resent folks who were normal, who went to a normal church and had "normal" feelings - their lives seemed very uncomplicated to me. Meanwhile I couldn't tell half the people I loved that I loved them for fear that they would physically assault me.

Those were my fears as a teen anyway, as an adult - after much wrangling and introspection I have learned that I find both genders romantically and physically attractive. I have stopped trying to live to please everyone else because it is now more painful to hide my feelings then to share them. Plus in the last five years the environment and acceptance of LGBT has really improved.

I am sure that he loves you very much, and regardless of what he decides to do, that is not likely to change.

Unless you already communicate a lot, there is a lot of trust there, you really won't judge him or get jealous you may not be able to witness the actual act but what you CAN do is maybe help him seek out a partner that you both approve of.

Most guys who are embarrassed or unsure of their same-sex feelings DO want to do alone their first time - men like to appear like they are confident and know what they are doing - this situation is 100% opposite of that right now. For my first intentional gay date I specifically picked out a much older man because I really wanted someone with experience to show me what was going on.

Many times afterward I felt a lot of self-loathing - because I really was happy in the arms of another man, but then had to face "the real world" afterward - and had to hide those desires.

I would like to think I am a little more balanced now, because I had a hard time trusting others and I didn't really want to accept these feelings It took a little while for me to become an adult.

By having to question my own sexuality I was given the gift of an open mind. There are so many hurting people in this world, bisexual people have the ability to love anyone. That is a blessing, not a curse.

Some bisexual people are happy being monogamous, some are happy with one of each gender, some are happy with an open relationship, some with swinging - it really depends on what everyone can agree to. As I have said many times before - the only thing that I personally feel is that a partner should be honest and up front about their thoughts and activities - because each partner deserves respect.

[Long Duck Dong]

I think your husband needs to firm up a lit and talk about what he wants and thinks and feels.... its easier to put barriers in the way but thats only compounding the issue not resolving it and its unfair on you as you do not want to spend your life in limbo, its your marriage and relationship as well, not just his.......

do I know about depression, hell yes... I have a form of depression called dysthimia and it basically means that I am always in a state of depression and my ability to sink to unbelievable depths is scary..... my ability to rise up to and deal with periods of happiness, is not but its not something that dysthimics handle too well either... its why I aim for a contented type of drifting mild depression....... and in most cases, I need to make definite choices for me and our relationship on the fly, rather than long term in depth talks... and that sounds to be at odds with my stance of talk about issues, even if it takes a while, but there is a method behind the madness,.... I could turn around tomorrow and say to my partner that I am going to have a boyfriend, a girlfriend and her when she returns... and I will * shift * to a state of mind where I am stable and able to talk about the understanding and talking and ride out the emotional * high * for a few weeks until the usual questioning and pondering starts to kick in...... and it makes it easier for us to both talk..... as DD know that when I hit the wall, I will immediately say * forget it, lets just be monogamous and to hell with everything.....* its not a go at her or our relationship, its a signal that I have reached the point that if I keep talking, I will spiral down into a intensive depressive state......

yes dysthimia is like trying to walk on oil covered ground that have land mines hidden under pressure plates.....

so my advice to your husband is to put aside his personal beliefs for a while, forget the unfaithful aspect, and ask himself.... if the interest and desire gets too much... who is it easier to betray, himself or you ?...... the definition of faithful and unfaithful is often debated in the site and as a general understanding, its a aspect of a relationship / marriage that needs to be defined between the two people in the relationship as to how and what they see things in terms of faithfulness and what guidelines can be bent in order to * walk the line * without being the straw that breaks the camels back......

unless the deadlock is broken, it will always go around and around..... He can not have you watch him first time in a 3some, but sex with another person is being unfaithful to you...
I would put it on him that by giving you the understanding and knowledge of how he feels, you both can rewrite the nature of the relationship to embrace the new YOUs and this is changing both of you and redefine the nature of faithful....... and while he may argue that the definition of faithfulness is a monogamous relationship, you can put it on him... is he asking for your support as a partner and wife and looking for a compromise or is he trying to state what the * rules * of the relationship are, when the whole relationship has been about you and him rewriting the rules together for many years......

it doesn't matter what society says or thinks, or the dictionary definition... its your marriage and you both need to compromise... that is the reality of the situation and its time your husband faced that fact.....

[Ladycat]

Thanks both. I think the idea is so far removed from what he considers normal relationship he's struggling with it. I just think what have we got to lose whereas he's seeing the problems. He sees splitting as easier that having to deal with the fallout of our arrangement.
I guess were going to have to sit down and talk properly about it.
Is there any other alternatives I can suggest?
If we do go down this route how do you find others to do it. Its not the type of thing you ask anyone