Deceived by my bisexual boyfriend even though he had my support - why?

[loukee]

Last year I discovered my very macho partner of three years was bisexual. Yes it was a big shock because he is the last person you would expect it out of but I supported him because I loved him so much and didnt want to be the cause of him denying who he was...and ultimately going behind my back if the urge got to great. He said he would never do anything without me being a part of it. Im a fairly open and laid back person and found myself quite turned on by the thoughts of him being with another guy (with both of us pleasing my partner as opposed to me being with the other guy too). He said that's what he wanted too. So we signed up to a gay site and a few swinger sites and i got quite turned on reading all kinky messages between him and other guys. Nothing so far has happened regarding meeting up with anyone...just horny messages.


Fast forward to yesterday and he has pretty much destroyed my trust in him. He accidentally left a site he had secretly signed up to open. WHen i asked him what it was he tried to get me to click out of it by saying it was just a site he came across and was suggesting we sign up for. I was about to click out of it when something told me he was lieing...and there it was....hundreds of filthy, porno-type messages to so so many men and the odd woman (he has a fantasy to be with older woman too which Ive put up with and said maybe we could explore in time). And they were going on day after day from way before he told me he was bisexual up until last week. Most of them were to men in the UK saying how he would love to meet up with them and gets to the UK regularly (which at the time he never went). It was like I didnt exist. He did not care one shred about my feelings which makes me wonder does he really care at all. Is it all an act? I read every one of them...sick to the stomach with the betrayal and hurt. Whats worse is he recently did move to the UK for work and his profile reflects that and he is asking guys if they want to meet up. There is the occasional message to the odd guy where he tells them about me and how id be up for it but most of them are just him looking to meet the men himself. I feel so deceived that he could lie to me like this.


What I do know from going through every single one is that he has not YET actually met with anyone on the site...nor has had an experience with any man yet. But why did he do this to me? I gave him my support and love. I wanted to be a good girlfriend and be understanding but he betrayed me so badly by deceiving me like this and going behind my back.



He claims he was too embarrassed with me reading the messages on the sites we were signed up to and he would never have met up with anyone...it was just kinky horny chat that he needed to do without me reading them. I dont know what to believe.


Im trying to hide it from him but I feel crippled with the pain, despair and hurt I feel inside right now. I spent all day yesterday drinking to numb the feelings and the worry and I am going to do the same all day today. Otherwise it is torture in my mind. How can I ever possibly trust him when he went behind my back for so long without a second thought for me or my feelings? He swears he will never do it again...how can i trust him when he had so little disregard for me for so long? The guilt he feels right now will soon subside and the urge to do this will be too great to not act on. And Thats how I feel. And right now he is living in the uK on his own until I move over so how can i trust him? The person I thought i knew...that's not him anymore so can we even go on from here? Any advise from bi guys would be so appreciated.thank you

[DuckiesDarling]

Just hugs, hon. as a straight but open minded female involved with a bi man, I can tell you that the most important part of a relationship is trust. He has shattered yours in him. It is up to you but drinking is not the answer. You either decide to talk to him and get an actual reason why and see if you can rebuild trust or you walk away. But you can't continue in a relationship where the bridge to trust has been broken without rebuilding it.

[elian]

Your husband has the answer to the question "Why?" - the rest of us can only guess. People don't seem to understand that all you can go on is someone's word and hopefully their actions follow. Drinking and drugs only mask the pain, plus they cause other problems as well. As painful as it is I don't think the conversation you need to have is over. All you can do is be honest about your feelings. There are a lot of men out there who fantacize about having same sex encounters but who can't or won't act on the idea physically, although I have to admit that with hundreds of messages the idea seems pretty slim. Not trying to blame either of you, but do you have a healthy sex life at home? Some men here have said, "The wife never has sex with me anymore." ..they think wanking with another man is not as bad as sleeping with another woman. How long have you known him? Maybe he was already very active in the bisexual lifestyle and he is trying to introduce you to it slowly because he wasn't sure how you would react. I have always felt attraction and love for men and women but sometimes it can take years to admit that to yourself. I guess it is possible that he just wanted to see what it felt like for himself. All of these are just guesses, the real answer is with your husband.

[Gearbox]

Of course he's not going to tell you about his 1-1 on-line sex chats if you have such an attitude to his PERSONAL full grown adult 'bit of lone time fun'! God knows why he agreed to only do that when you are next to him, but he really shouldn't have, and you should have known better too IMO!

Now, coz you have set up such a silly 'breach of trust' condition which gets broken so easily, you now have the idea that he can not be trusted at all. You have given yourself an excuse to bath yourself in all your insecurities, jealousy and betrayal paranoia and make out that HE is to blame for it. YOU are to blame for the state YOU put yourself in now. If you don't accept that, you will never be at ease.

IMO if he has had so many on-line sex chats about meeting etc but hasn't actually met up with anybody, he is just fantasizing about it, and prob looses ALL interest when he has finished 'pleasuring himself'. You think he'd want to or even can do THAT when you are next to him?:rolleyes:
There's loads of bi's & gay men who do that on hookup sites, so many that they have their very own name 'Time Wasters'. It's not rare by ANY standard, and IMO you have nothing to worry about!

You are being more than just a partner giving him support and understanding in his bisexuality, BUT what you have to accept is that you have no say in what goes on in the PERSONAL recesses of his mind. What he does with his penis with others SHOULD be your business as a partner, but when there's no physical interaction you have no claim! THAT is up to him to share with you, and NOT something you can force out of him by claiming it hurts you when he doesn't. You hurt yourself with that skewed view of intimate trust!

The best thing you can do IMO, is not get yourself into a state by the thought of him having actual sex with others, or by his sexy chat hobby. That will only give him the idea that he can not possibly tell you the truth, coz you can't handle it. Instead try to show that it doesn't bother you at all and he can confide in you without fear of a drama.
That way, you may be able to get the actual truth and decide whether or not to leave him for it. It beats driving yourself up the walls imagining the truth, poor bugger.

[Long Duck Dong]

loukee... hugs.....

Its like having a boys night out.... and your partner saying that he wants a boys night out, you say ok.... just do not get arrested... then you find out that its been a regular event for the last few years and the whole time you thought that your partner would just let you know if he was having a night out with the boys....

so the question you want to know, is how can you trust him and can you trust him again...... I agree with elian and DD, talk.... as only you and your partner know how you both feel and there can be many other circumstances that we do not know about from both your pasts... and also because trust is a multi faceted aspect of any relationship and so the nature of the trust differs.....

based around what you have posted, your partner set the standard with his own statement.... and its something that a lot of people do, many of them mean it, they want their partner to be a part of their interactions with others... so I would have taken your partner at his word, as a sign of respect and trust, as you were not given any reason not to trust them.......

the talking between you both, is going to need to be on the same level as the rest of the talking that I am assuming, happened between you two when you became aware that he was bisexual... as it sounds like it was a open honest and soul searching experience for you both...... and its up to you what level of truth you are seeking, as nobody can tell you what level is acceptable to ease the hurt....

the other thing I am seeing is that he moved to the uk and you are moving there soon as well,.... so I am assuming that you are both nervous and a lil on tender hooks,... and to me, I would have allowed for that but as you say, the letters on the site indicate that its being going on longer than him coming out as a bisexual, your understandings and agreements and so there was plenty of time to say that he was on a few sites similar to the ones that you both visited, which is why his excuse that he was embarassed by what he said, is not sounding that serious...... its a bit like saying that talking sex with you and others etc was fine and acceptable, but the idea that you knew he was talking with others about sex, was embarrassing... so I would keep a open mind......

fingers crossed that there is a resolution that is possible as it sounds like a good relationship and that if the hiccups can be resolved, that you may be telling us a few months down the track that you are both together in the UK and the relationship is sailing along well.......

[tenni]

“What I do know from going through every single one is that he has not YET actually met with anyone on the site...nor has had an experience with any man yet. But why did he do this to me? I gave him my support and love. I wanted to be a good girlfriend and be understanding but he betrayed me so badly by deceiving me like this and going behind my back. “

“he was too embarrassed with me reading the messages on the sites we were signed up to “

Elain is correct that only he knows why but I think that he has told you already. You just are not listening well enough to understand his innner struggle and getting caught up in your own insecurity issue. The above two comments from you tell me what might be going on. Imo since he has not actually had sex with a man, and making these statement and behaviour, I think that he is experiencing shame issues and is struggling with his identity and self acceptance. You want to support him and thought that you were. This is shocking for you. You thought that you had it all figured out.

You are looking at this from a monosexual perspective and a female perspective. His own male taboo issues are making him want his own space to explore his sexuality. He is not comfortable actually physically doing this and wants to function at a fantasy level at present. In some respects it is similar to a form of porn. He may be masturbating as he sends messages if not physically psychologically be aroused. Whether this internet chat has become addictive for him I don't know but that will add another level of complexity if it has. Despite him being open with you about his sexuality he does not yet seem to have to come to terms with the taboo inner feelings that he has. I think that he is not comfortable sharing this with you because he has shame issues.


“Im trying to hide it from him but I feel crippled with the pain, despair and hurt I feel inside right now. “

This may be where you are caught up in your own emotions about feeling betrayed and trust violations. That is logical from many people’s perspectives because it is true from that perspective. You have the option of continuing this emotional roller coaster and lots of posters here will support you. Still, you two are not connecting honestly. Neither of you may be understanding what is going on. I also could be wrong. I am just a bi guy who has experienced the shame feelings until you accept yourself..this happens.

Communicating is part of the solution..some say huge but there may be some issues that you can not help him with. He may need to talk to a bisexually friendly counsellor(not a gay friendly counsellor and the counsellor doesn't need to be bisexual but that may help). How would you have supported him if he told you that he needs to explore his same sex fantasies on his own a bit? Would you have supported him by telling him to explore on his own and you are willing to chat about his adventures?

We guys are a funny lot. For some unclear reason his shame feelings have prevented him from telling you. The rules of his m2m sexual engagement seemed to work for you but not for him. You have acted in the supportive way and he may not fully understand his own behaviour. You can pretend that his secretive behaviour doesn’t bother you but that is a lie. It bothers you deeply and yet you may be misinterpreting. Can you discuss your feelings with him without making him feel that he is wrong to want to explore his bisexuality on his own? As Gear stated, you have the right to leave him if that is what you want. I hope that communication and real acceptance of his sexuality improves. Just a note, that none of us are experts. Some of us have lived the struggle he is experiencing but as Elian says only he and you are living this.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sounds to me like he loves the Idea of having sex with a man, but its an on line fantasy...for now. Its very easy to get caught up in a mental fantasy and let it excite your mind, but its quite another to actually go through with it. Hope you guys get things worked out.
Cat

[loukee]

Sounds to me like he loves the Idea of having sex with a man, but its an on line fantasy...for now. Its very easy to get caught up in a mental fantasy and let it excite your mind, but its quite another to actually go through with it. Hope you guys get things worked out.
Cat
Im starting to see that may be the case...I really hope so anyway. Only time will tell I guess. Thank you :)

[loukee]

Thanks Gearbox. At first when I read your comment I found myself kind of taken aback...like you were almost blaming me for what he had done. But i do find a lot of what you say to be true...maybe you could have been a little less blunt with what you believe to be the truth though ;-P

Being 100% straight I have no idea what it is like to be bisexual and to have these urges or desires. I dont know what I "should" do as his partner. Im learning as I go along. Do you think its perfectly okay for anyone to just sext other people without the knowledge of the other partner in a relationship? That's fair enough if that is your definition of a relationship but that's not how we defined ours. My partner himself admitted how angry he would have been if it had been me sexting other men. In fact I do believe he would have left me if I had.

I also do believe every relationship should have boundaries...and if you're not happy with them you should be able to discuss them or else you just arent suited to that relationship. We did have boundaries in our relationship and that was one of them. He's not some pushover of a partner in fact its quite the opposite. We both communicated, we both set boundaries and he let me down..badly. But then I also hear what you are saying about the jealousy, insecurity, and paranoia. I am responsible for how much attention I give those feelings or if I even give them attention at all. You can only be hurt by someone as much as you allow yourself to feel the hurt. So right now I'm constantly switching between feeding these emotions and trying to let it all go and try and understand it from what he may have been going through.

I dont own him so I know I dont have any say in what goes on in his mind. Nor does he have any say in how Im feeling right now...only I do. And my worry is that even though he swears to me he would never have done it how do I believe him with such messages like that? Or that it would not have eventually happened as he became more accepting of his sexuality. Especially now that as he now has all this "alone time" now that im not around at the moment. He is due to go back to the UK tomorrow and all I can think of is how do I stop myself turning into a stalking nagging girlfriend monitoring his every move ringing him every five minutes. Im trying so hard to let it all go and stop worrying and stay present rather than torturing myself with the what-ifs and the worst case scenarios but its not easy!

I do hope you are right about him being a time waster and I do think there is a big possibility - especially as I know he has never met with anyone yet. Thanks again for your insight into what it might be like to be him...I certainly think you gave me food for thought.

[loukee]

Just hugs, hon. as a straight but open minded female involved with a bi man, I can tell you that the most important part of a relationship is trust. He has shattered yours in him. It is up to you but drinking is not the answer. You either decide to talk to him and get an actual reason why and see if you can rebuild trust or you walk away. But you can't continue in a relationship where the bridge to trust has been broken without rebuilding it.You are certainly right about the drinking DuckiesDarling...it's not the answer. I love him more than anything so I do hope and believe we will sort things out. Thank you

[loukee]

Your husband has the answer to the question "Why?" - the rest of us can only guess. People don't seem to understand that all you can go on is someone's word and hopefully their actions follow. Drinking and drugs only mask the pain, plus they cause other problems as well. As painful as it is I don't think the conversation you need to have is over. All you can do is be honest about your feelings. There are a lot of men out there who fantacize about having same sex encounters but who can't or won't act on the idea physically, although I have to admit that with hundreds of messages the idea seems pretty slim. Not trying to blame either of you, but do you have a healthy sex life at home? Some men here have said, "The wife never has sex with me anymore." ..they think wanking with another man is not as bad as sleeping with another woman. How long have you known him? Maybe he was already very active in the bisexual lifestyle and he is trying to introduce you to it slowly because he wasn't sure how you would react. I have always felt attraction and love for men and women but sometimes it can take years to admit that to yourself. I guess it is possible that he just wanted to see what it felt like for himself. All of these are just guesses, the real answer is with your husband.
Thank you...we have a very active and intimate sex life. After three years together we still have it at least two or three times a day so I dont think that is the case but who knows...It really is hard to know what to think or what to believe when it comes to all this and like you said the answers lie with my partner...not in my own head where at times im thinking the worst possible reasons. We are talking about it and I do hope we will work things out. Time will tell. Thank you for the message

[loukee]

“What I do know from going through every single one is that he has not YET actually met with anyone on the site...nor has had an experience with any man yet. But why did he do this to me? I gave him my support and love. I wanted to be a good girlfriend and be understanding but he betrayed me so badly by deceiving me like this and going behind my back. “

“he was too embarrassed with me reading the messages on the sites we were signed up to “

Elain is correct that only he knows why but I think that he has told you already. You just are not listening well enough to understand his innner struggle and getting caught up in your own insecurity issue. The above two comments from you tell me what might be going on. Imo since he has not actually had sex with a man, and making these statement and behaviour, I think that he is experiencing shame issues and is struggling with his identity and self acceptance. You want to support him and thought that you were. This is shocking for you. You thought that you had it all figured out.

You are looking at this from a monosexual perspective and a female perspective. His own male taboo issues are making him want his own space to explore his sexuality. He is not comfortable actually physically doing this and wants to function at a fantasy level at present. In some respects it is similar to a form of porn. He may be masturbating as he sends messages if not physically psychologically be aroused. Whether this internet chat has become addictive for him I don't know but that will add another level of complexity if it has. Despite him being open with you about his sexuality he does not yet seem to have to come to terms with the taboo inner feelings that he has. I think that he is not comfortable sharing this with you because he has shame issues.


“Im trying to hide it from him but I feel crippled with the pain, despair and hurt I feel inside right now. “

This may be where you are caught up in your own emotions about feeling betrayed and trust violations. That is logical from many people’s perspectives because it is true from that perspective. You have the option of continuing this emotional roller coaster and lots of posters here will support you. Still, you two are not connecting honestly. Neither of you may be understanding what is going on. I also could be wrong. I am just a bi guy who has experienced the shame feelings until you accept yourself..this happens.

Communicating is part of the solution..some say huge but there may be some issues that you can not help him with. He may need to talk to a bisexually friendly counsellor(not a gay friendly counsellor and the counsellor doesn't need to be bisexual but that may help). How would you have supported him if he told you that he needs to explore his same sex fantasies on his own a bit? Would you have supported him by telling him to explore on his own and you are willing to chat about his adventures?

We guys are a funny lot. For some unclear reason his shame feelings have prevented him from telling you. The rules of his m2m sexual engagement seemed to work for you but not for him. You have acted in the supportive way and he may not fully understand his own behaviour. You can pretend that his secretive behaviour doesn’t bother you but that is a lie. It bothers you deeply and yet you may be misinterpreting. Can you discuss your feelings with him without making him feel that he is wrong to want to explore his bisexuality on his own? As Gear stated, you have the right to leave him if that is what you want. I hope that communication and real acceptance of his sexuality improves. Just a note, that none of us are experts. Some of us have lived the struggle he is experiencing but as Elian says only he and you are living this.
Wow is all I can say after reading this. Thank you so much for showing it to me from a different perspective. What you say about the shame issues could be so true given that he is the last type of guy you would expect to be bisexual. That is why I couldnt confide in any close friends or family about it...how would they possibly understand and I couldnt do that to him when its clear he is not even comfortable about it all himself yet. I am looking at it from a monosexual perspective. Up until recently that is how I believed every relationship should be because I was conditioned to believe that. Being with a bisexual certainly opens you up to a whole new way of thinking.

He has suggested himself going for therapy...maybe it would help but I dont want to force him either. I dont want to leave him but I dont think I could live a live always worrying and doubting him. I know it is only me alone who can deal with those thoughts and feelings. All he can give is his word. Your words really really helped and I keep rereading them every time I feel the anger and hurt take hold again. Thank you :)

[loukee]

loukee... hugs.....

Its like having a boys night out.... and your partner saying that he wants a boys night out, you say ok.... just do not get arrested... then you find out that its been a regular event for the last few years and the whole time you thought that your partner would just let you know if he was having a night out with the boys....

so the question you want to know, is how can you trust him and can you trust him again...... I agree with elian and DD, talk.... as only you and your partner know how you both feel and there can be many other circumstances that we do not know about from both your pasts... and also because trust is a multi faceted aspect of any relationship and so the nature of the trust differs.....

based around what you have posted, your partner set the standard with his own statement.... and its something that a lot of people do, many of them mean it, they want their partner to be a part of their interactions with others... so I would have taken your partner at his word, as a sign of respect and trust, as you were not given any reason not to trust them.......

the talking between you both, is going to need to be on the same level as the rest of the talking that I am assuming, happened between you two when you became aware that he was bisexual... as it sounds like it was a open honest and soul searching experience for you both...... and its up to you what level of truth you are seeking, as nobody can tell you what level is acceptable to ease the hurt....

the other thing I am seeing is that he moved to the uk and you are moving there soon as well,.... so I am assuming that you are both nervous and a lil on tender hooks,... and to me, I would have allowed for that but as you say, the letters on the site indicate that its being going on longer than him coming out as a bisexual, your understandings and agreements and so there was plenty of time to say that he was on a few sites similar to the ones that you both visited, which is why his excuse that he was embarassed by what he said, is not sounding that serious...... its a bit like saying that talking sex with you and others etc was fine and acceptable, but the idea that you knew he was talking with others about sex, was embarrassing... so I would keep a open mind......

fingers crossed that there is a resolution that is possible as it sounds like a good relationship and that if the hiccups can be resolved, that you may be telling us a few months down the track that you are both together in the UK and the relationship is sailing along well.......
I sure hope so Long Duck Dong...I have never in my life loved anyone like I love him. We are talking lots about it which is good. I am more confident now from reading all these posts that I will come to terms with it and learn to let go of these horrible feelings. Its just the initial shock of it all knocked me for six. Thank you

[Gearbox]

@loukee - No I wasn't blaming you for what he did, but was blaming you for how you reacted to it. I know that's blunt in B&W but there's really no kind way to put it, sorry.
It's distressing to hear that you are tearing yourself to shreds and obviously having problems dealing with it. Most would want you to stop doing that, and I'm glad you're taking a look at those emotions as a problem in their own right. NOT easy, no! No amount of alcohol can drown them out, but it's understandable why you'd try.
Fear is a bugger, and your right about us feeding it, when really we could be feeding love instead.


Being 100% straight I have no idea what it is like to be bisexual and to have these urges or desires. I dont know what I "should" do as his partner. Im learning as I go along.
Your partner is learning as he goes along too, and isn't without his own insecurities, paranoia, jealousy etc same as you. There's no special gene that lets us get away with any of that,sadly. But (IMO) due to the nature of those sexual urges we/most have to confront some 'scary stuff' at some point. Your partner is tip-toeing around it at the mo, coz he's scared!
But you notice how he is exposing himself to those urges in a proactive way? He's dealing with the fear coz he needs to get over it, but in small steps.
THAT is how you can deal with yours too. Don't try to drink or think them away, but expose yourself to them with the intent to get over them. Don't be afraid to be scared, if that makes sense to you?lol


Do you think its perfectly okay for anyone to just sext other people without the knowledge of the other partner in a relationship? That's fair enough if that is your definition of a relationship but that's not how we defined ours. My partner himself admitted how angry he would have been if it had been me sexting other men. In fact I do believe he would have left me if I had.
I'm only speaking for myself when I say - yes I think it's ok for partners to sext who they like without the knowledge of the other/s in the relationship, and ok to carry on loving them etc.
Imagine if you DID sext a bloke, your partner found out and he left you - IMO he wouldn't be leaving you for a breach of trust, coz he stopped loving you or had higher principles etc, but coz you exposed him to his fears that he refuses to deal with.
IMO if there isn't enough love between two (or more) people to overcome their fears, they are with the wrong partners.
Commonly, the definition of a 'loving relationship' is geared towards the priority to protect from fear more than to nourish love IMO. But as you have found out about yourself, you no longer follow that. You'd have left him if you did. IMO (got a lot of those.lol) the most loving thing you can give another is a hand to deal with their fears. That's how I define a 'loving relationship', and that's what you both could chose to do for each other. You already told him you'll do that for him, but you need him to help with yours too. Which he isn't!
When you get a chance, have a really good chat about how he can help you as much as you help him. Try not to set rules that he obviously can't abide by, but talk about fears and how each other feels about the others. Then find your personal middle-ground that each can deal with as a step to overcome them.
Btw he can only be honest with you if he's honest to himself.

[Country Guy]

Great advise, you folks are amazing!!

[luvlyNlookn]

I am somewhat in the same situation, except both my husband and I are bi. We have a healthy sex life with each other. I am out to some friends and family members. He's only come out to me and I feel he is ashamed of his bisexuality because he's afraid his family will disapprove. We admitted to each other we were both curious before we married three years ago. We have been supportive of our bi-curious sexuality and have had threesomes and orgies together (both were his idea). These did not last long because of safety and boundary issues (he continued to break them). After we married I find out he too was curious long before his admission, but that didn't bother me because I appreciated the fact that he came out to me in the first place. You see, he trusted me enough to tell me.


Eventually we agreed to have 1-on-1 rendezvous with same-sex partners so long as we let each other know, play safe, and be emotionally unattached. Several times I accidentally find IM, email and text communications he had with other men. He lied to my face denying it all and I blasted him when I let my selfish emotions get the best of me. I continue to stumble on proof of recent trysts without my knowledge (or maybe he means to let me find it) just this week in fact. At some point he will come to me and say he is comfortable with his bisexuality, tell me it was fun but not for him, or that he would rather play together. He may not talk about it when I know he's been out. At first it used to make me angry and worry, but I remind myself to be supportive and keep talking to him about being safe and emotionally unattached. I do this so that he knows he has my trust, so I can regain his trust so we can talk, and hope his pattern and our marriage changes for the better. We both said we will never leave each other, it is why I am so patient with him.


The other posters hit it right on the mark when they mentioned trust. I too have to deal with the insecure, jealous, untrusting monster within myself. The only suggestion I can offer is to try be supportive and trusting. It is the only way a relationship can work, besides marriage counseling which by the way we are participating in due to our unresolved trust issues. And in case you are wondering, our therapist is not bisexual, we do not know if he is sensitive to bisexuality, nor is he aware of our orientation nor the problems it has caused. Let us know how things go for you after you talk.

[elian]

The only thing I can say is if you can't get a truthful answer out of him it may be because he doesn't want to admit to -himself- that he enjoys the company of men. When I first started having sex with men I used to be happy, but then I would loathe myself because I had to "come back to the real world" and be in the closet again. Finally met one who "honestly" really seemed to care for me (not just a one night stand) I had to go through the process of admitting to myself that I was happy with men. I saw this man more than once, and each time he loved me, showed me he loved me and proved that he wasn't going away. Finally I learned some basic information about compassion and I realized that I could either admit that I love men and be happy, or live to please everyone ELSE and be miserable. This book has a few hang-ups but it gave me the training wheels I needed to break a cycle of self loathing: http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X It took a lot of time but I think I am mostly over hating myself; especially now that there seems to be a lot more public support for LGBT folks brewing. Eventually I came out to my immediate family and they didn't reject me - that helped too. I certainly hope that at some point you can disclose the bisexuality to your counselor, it is obviously a big source of anxiety in your relationship. Hopefully your counselor is properly trained and will not view bisexuality as an illness.

[loukee]

The only thing I can say is if you can't get a truthful answer out of him it may be because he doesn't want to admit to -himself- that he enjoys the company of men. When I first started having sex with men I used to be happy, but then I would loathe myself because I had to "come back to the real world" and be in the closet again. Finally met one who "honestly" really seemed to care for me (not just a one night stand) I had to go through the process of admitting to myself that I was happy with men. I saw this man more than once, and each time he loved me, showed me he loved me and proved that he wasn't going away. Finally I learned some basic information about compassion and I realized that I could either admit that I love men and be happy, or live to please everyone ELSE and be miserable. This book has a few hang-ups but it gave me the training wheels I needed to break a cycle of self loathing: http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X It took a lot of time but I think I am mostly over hating myself; especially now that there seems to be a lot more public support for LGBT folks brewing. Eventually I came out to my immediate family and they didn't reject me - that helped too. I certainly hope that at some point you can disclose the bisexuality to your counselor, it is obviously a big source of anxiety in your relationship. Hopefully your counselor is properly trained and will not view bisexuality as an illness.
Thank you this and im sorry for the delay in replying. I needed a few days away from pretty much everything to figure out things in my head. Do you know its funny how life can teach you a lesson. If I'm totally honest with you two years ago I would have been one of those ignorant people who would have said bisexuals are only looking for attention or that there was no such thing. And that was just complete ignorance of not having any experience or understanding of it. I actually remember laughing about it with my gay best friend when he would tell me the amount of bisexual men that came onto him (and my partner would be in the room and laugh along!). I said they couldnt possibly be bisexual and that there was no such thing. And now I am certainly eating my words. In a way Im glad though...nothing worse than ignorance :)
I agree though how difficult it must be to come to terms with admitting your attraction to men without judging your self initially. Despite the secrecy and the lies I have a lot of empathy for what my partner must have gone (and must still be going)through. And I am (as he is) glad that its now all out in the open and hopefully he no longer feels the need to hide. He says a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he feels a lot freer. I also agree with what you say about meeting a counselor that understands bisexuality. That will be a priority. Thanks for the book suggestion - I think both myself and my partner will benefit from reading it. :)

[Hypersexual11]

As usual, Gearbox nailed it. I'm "the last guy you would think ins't straight" Deep voice, very manly. Also brought up to understand that sex between men is a reason for deep shame. I felt it when my very understanding wife found out. It doesn't matter how understanding she is. Doesn't matter how much she wants to be involved. My feelings about what I do with men is very unhealthy. I've been to therapy and found it pointless. I can't discuss this with her without bowing my head in shame and apologizing, even though that's not what she is looking for. She just wants to understand and be a part of this aspect of my life like all other aspects. I still cannot, and doubt I ever will feel comfortable talking about it and I continue to keep is somewhat secret. When she walks in and finds me on this site, even though it's perfectly fine with her, I still click away and feel the guilt. You may never be allowed fully into this part of his life no matter how accepting you are. There are some things that can't be unlearned. Being brought up in an intensely homophobic atmosphere and the comments you deal with daily don't just go away because you say it's fine. I hope you can be as loving and understanding as my incredible wife has been. Had she added to the shame I was already feeling, I'm not sure how that would have ended.