PDA

View Full Version : Is she bi or is it just I?



babloobla
Jun 18, 2013, 5:26 PM
This is my situation and I would like some feed back...
I am in a relationship,eight years, with a woman that is not entirely satisfying. I want out... but... for a long time I have suspected this lady may be bisexual too, and that her repression of this side of herself is hampering our mutual satisfaction, and if she were to open up to her bisexuality we could probably have an awesome bed time with each other and others, which could solve a lot of the disatisfaction that I feel.
O grew up very religious and as a teenager, by her own choice, joined a sect that was particularly strongly against unmarried sex. In this group she had a female friend, who is 'now' gay, and with whom she had a physical relationship and lived with, slept with, for several years. She has had other boyfriends but claims I am the first man with whom she has had a full sexual relationship. I am 46 she is early 50's.
She asked me early on in our relationship had I ever been with a man and I told her I had, and more than once.
However, I said, probably fearing rejection, and, partially because the urge was not strong, that at that time I was not wanting a man. That has changed, or rather I have come to accept that I have always been bisexual.
I also grew up sexually repressed with a religious background. I was afraid anxious and confused about sex and love, and had no idea how to talk about them let alone communicate my feelings to those I was interested in or attracted to. I was educated to believe that sex was not important, love would 'happen' when I was ready, and not to do it, unless married.
Eventually, after years of solitary sexual angst, at age 21, forces in me and life opportunities coincided and my sex life began, first with a middle aged man, and a couple years later a relationship with a woman closer to my age, and subsequently over the years I have swung both ways. For years I tried to resist and explain away my mm sexual experience as influenced by dysfunctional upbringing, and substance use. However now I am clean, sober and fairly balanced, and I still have desire for both the male and female sexes.
I think I am more clear than ever in my life about what I want... though I am not sure if what I have is it.
I watch O and how she looks at women some times. She looks at women like men look at women, studying their curves and the way they walk. O is a feminine woman but has a strong masculine streak, sometimes. Once at a greek restaurant there was a belly dancer and I swear O broke out in a sweat, when the dancer approached her, hips gyrating erotically. O glanced at me and made a face of (mocked) disgust.
What do you all think? Is my girlfriend bi? If so is there anything I could do to help her accept this. I feel that I need some bisex and I think we could have a good thing if we could both accept this about ourselves and each other.
Any advice?

Hypersexual11
Jun 18, 2013, 6:37 PM
Hi Bablooba, I hate to give feedback with questions but a couple obvious ones pop up that may be important for you to consider. O was in a gay relationship. Now she sees this as wrong. Did anything happen to make her change so drastically? Usually women are a little less freaked out about this than men and accept it. When she asked you if you had ever been with a man and you admitted to having been with more than one, what was her response?
Your childhood was pretty strict. These early teachings stick with us for way too long as I know well. It sounds like you guys are well suited for each other but can't get past the uncomfortable discussions that have to take place. I know that is MUCH easier said than done. Talking about this stuff can be very difficult, sometimes impossible. Fortunately for you, you already want out. You can go to her wanting straight answers and you can relay to her your feelings and if she stumbles and won't admit the obvious, or rejects you, you can still go to plan A. I really hope you can both open up. This relationship appears to have good potential.

Long Duck Dong
Jun 19, 2013, 6:20 AM
you are in a relationship that is not completely satisfying and you want out but you will stay if your partner comes out as a bisexual cos you may have a better time in bed and that may make a difference to you wanting to leave the relationship ?

I am curious, if you talk to your partner and she says yes to being bisexual but no to threesomes, will you stay.... or is this more to do with your own sexual desires and interests than the issues you have with the relationship and your partner... cos the only two people that can really make a difference is you and her....

babloobla
Jun 19, 2013, 8:34 AM
Thanks for your replies Hype and LDD, The difficult part of the (any) relationship is keeping open lines of communication. When I bring up issues that are touchy like bisexual or non monogamous sex O, understandably, feels very threatened by this. She has experienced sexual trauma in her past, and though she is dealing with this in therapy, there are strong boundaries around sexuality with her. I am not being pushy, just talking about it, mostly in reference to other people who live like that. I just want to know how she feels, I don't want to get her into anything she is not open too. I don't talk about these feelings and thoughts that I have any more.
Also, and this may make all of my question as to her being or not being bisexual moot, there are other issues between us such that I am feeling less compatible, related to future plans, changing interests etc. In many ways it has been a good relationship for eight years, but it may just be time to move on.
I feel that I have come to terms within myself that I have bisexual interests, and am learning to accept this in myself. This is a topic that has very difficult to discuss with O. It is partially my own fault because I did deny that I wanted to be with men any more, when the topic was first discussed. Ironically, to answer Hype's question, back then she thought it was 'beautiful' that I had been with men, but since then on other occasions she has passed very homophobic remarks that made me feel strangely uncomfortable. I thought she accepted it at first but then I felt shamed, and now I feel somewhat resentful toward her. I think, however she may fear her own sexuality, that's why I brought it up here. I can't change her, I don't want to try to change her, but I feel I need a change. I just hope if/when this ends, O can find a deeper happiness herself, I don't feel I can really make her happy when I am no longer happy with her.
Regarding her past relationship with a woman, she doesn't really want to talk about it. I am ambivalent about trying to open further communications about these questions, as my interest in the relationship is waning. I don't think O would ever be open to group sex or swinging, though I might be, and have had a few experiences years ago. I have a strange feeling that O might go with a woman however, if we end this, but who knows.

babloobla
Jun 19, 2013, 8:44 AM
If she said yes to being bisexual, it would make a big difference, I think, in the emotional climate of our relationship. In a good relationship a healthy amount of sexual tension is necessary to keep attraction and satifaction at a good level. However, with O and I the tension often feels to me like stress, there si attraction but something about it is difficult. Past relationships with women that I have been in it has been far easier for the sexual energy to flow between us. In O it feels like she has a sort of heaviness in her body, I think it may be years of stressful feelings around sex. It sounds weird to put it that way, but that's what it's like. soemtimes I think a threesome with either a woman or a man, would help her learn to let go of the anxiety, which is so long standing, I think, that she is hardly aware of it anymore.
Then again, I don't think I have the will to arrange such an event and go through the work for her to develop, grow, whatever she might need. Especially if she doesn't feel she needs it.

tenni
Jun 19, 2013, 10:23 AM
Hi
I’ve read your OP a couple of times and then your other posts. It was a bit difficult because perhaps the spacing or lack of spacing. If I am all wrong forgive me.

What I am able to get is that you do have one foot out the door and seem to be looking back hoping and wondering if you can get the relationship with O to work? Since you suspect that O is bisexual you wonder if the relationship might work if she was honest with you. I sense that you are uncertain as to a door opening for a conversation.

I think that it would be difficult to start a conversation telling her that you think that she is bisexual. You think that she is repressing her attraction to women. You may also be finding it difficult to tell her that your same sex urges have returned but I suspect that you know that you should tell her. Maybe, initially starting the conversation by referring to it as feeling a wall between you two? Then confess your re imerging same sex attraction. Begin a safe comfortable conversation about bisexuality for her and if she discloses good. If not, you at least have cleared the air.

Keep it initially about you and abstract ideas. I don’t know but you do seem mostly out the door but do not really want to end it. What have you got to lose? Even if she is not bisexual, you will have cleared your own needs to her. I would be struggling if I were you. Best of luck with the conversation but I think that you need to have it.

You are correct in that you are not responsible for her sexual feelings. You can not "cure" her and feel this pressure from her. You may help her by discussing your own needs and asking her to discuss her needs?

babloobla
Jun 21, 2013, 6:07 AM
Thank you Tenni. Sound advice.

zigzig
Jun 21, 2013, 1:43 PM
O probably have some issues of opening up her sexuality. Trauma can last for years. I was teased at school and it took couple of years to get over it.
She's lucky that you are willing to help her with her sexuality! It takes lots of patience.