Straight Wife here asking for opinions

[Ladycat]

Hi, I'm A straight woman whose married. My husband recently told me he was gay. He thought this because he gets sexually aroused by men and looks at them in the street etc. plus he fantasises about mm sex.

i asked him if he was gay or bisexual, I assumed because he said he enjoys sex with women, has never until the past five years questioned his love /sexual desire of women, never had performance issues etc that he was in fact bisexual.
however I'm now not sure. Small comments he's made have me questioning myself.

I know you can get phases of bisexuality where you prefer men or women depending on the day etc. and it could be as he's only recently come out this may be a massive fascination for him and his gay side is taking the fore front.
what type of questions or things can I ask to help me determine what he may be. How can I try and find the difference between if he's gay or bi.

i know it's wrong to label him but to a women who has been married a long time I can only see a future relationship if he is bisexual, I have needs too and to think if we have sex I'm not the one turning him on would be a major factor for me.

[willi]

Why do you want to label?

[Realist]

Ladycat, you asked: "what type of questions or things can I ask to help me determine what he may be. How can I try and find the difference between if he's gay or bi." (?)

No one's answered your question, yet.......and, really, that's a difficult question. He's apparently struggling, just as you are.

Not only do you need answers, but your life is apparently on hold, while your husband's sorting out his own issues.

I wish I had a definitive answer for you, but I don't. If you're unable to communicate and come to some kind of agreement with your husband, the best I can do is say to get professional help. There are unbiased people who can help you find answers. Surely there's a counselor you can go to...hopefully with your husband, but if not, go alone.

I hope there's no children in the middle of this situation!

I feel your pain and know your life is in limbo until some solution surfaces. I'm sure he is in turmoil as well.

There's a few members, here, who are able to give much better advice............I hope they read your query and help you with a more intelligent response than mine.

Good luck!

[Chris_t_boston]

It's not that hard....

Is he attracted to you?
Will he have sex with you?
Can he perform sexually with you?

If the answer is yes, he's bi but then you need to determine the degree/stage. My interest in m2m sex is strongest when the sexual activity between my wife and I wanes (not through an action/inaction of mine). When she meets my sexual needs, my same sex attraction is almost nonexistent.

this is something you will have to experiment with and see how he reacts to questions and actions.

[tenni]

Based on what you wrote (and didn’t write) he seems likely to be bisexual. Only he can decide though. Is he aware of the meaning of bisexual and gay? You are correct about the bisexual fluidity aspect though. That also changes over time as well. There are times when some biguys have no real sexual attraction to women but that changes back to only attractions to women for some guys. Will he talk about his sexual attraction swing or does he say he has such a swing? Five years is a long time for him to be brooding about his sexuality but some have taken longer. I can understand that you want to know if there will be a relationship with him in the future but he may need time.

Asking questions about what is attracting him right now may help you understand him. Some wives begin pointing out good looking men and asking their bi husband what he thinks of that guy, “He’s hot to me. Is he hot to you?” type of fun game(hopefully your husband is comfortable enough to play that game..and you both may be light and humouous about it. He may have had such thoughts pent up inside him for quite awhile. This will not determine whether he is bi or gay but has been bonding for some couples. Maybe, you could talk about which women are hot too?

I think that anyone who is having sex with a person wants to be the other person to be turned on by them. We all fantasize though. You seem to have doubts about his attraction to you. Can you discuss this with him?

[knowmyselfnow]

Here's another perspective to ponder. Sometimes questions can be motivated by pure desire to learn while at others, they can be leading and manipulative. Trying to ask questions at this early time after he just 'came out' to you, which incidentally must have taken some courage on his part, might be counterproductive to getting any real answers. For you to dwell on whether he's either/or is going to weigh you down unnecessarily. Instead of pigeonholing him into a singular category, why not join him on his journey of self discovery and open your mind to the idea he's evolving to a higher degree of self actualization. Being his partner on this journey will draw you closer. Alienating him with judgments will ultimately rip you apart. You might consider experimenting with him. Pull up a man on man porn video online and play it while you both watch it together. Do your part to excite him and satisfy him. If he's still attracted to you which it sounds as if he is, he'll join in your play. He may very well be fantasizing about being with a man yet still enjoy being with you while actively fantasizing. Think of it in terms of what turns you on about being with him. Do you enjoy giving him head? Do you enjoy the tactile sensation of his becoming hard in your hand or mouth? He might want to know how those things feel for himself with another man. You're actually at the threshold of a potentially growing experience for the two of you in your relationship. Don't perceive it as a threat so much as an opportunity to grow together in your love and comfort together. There's an ebb and flow to anything, relationships, sexual excitement and desire, basically everything we encounter daily which falls into the taken for granted category. Two people exploring a topic together is much more gratifying than taking the journey alone. Consider this a chance to grow yourself. Who knows, it might just be exciting to you to be next to him when he's receiving pleasure from a man. Just try not to put stifling labels and boundaries on a journey where it isn't about the destination but more the process and moments within the journey which matter the most.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I know of women who are married to Gay men, who had Been married for many years when the Gay side of them emerged. Its my hope that you get to talk to a couple of them and get their advice too..:} If he loves you, then he'll tell you and you'll be able to work it all out happily..:}
Good Luck Hon.
Cat

[cornholejoe]

he is bi why dont you buy a strap on and buttfuck him i got a married friend who i fuck in the ass because his wife wont use a didlo on him do you give him oral sex most married men get jt from someone else when they cant get what they want from there wife

[elian]

Is he still sexually or emotionally aroused by women? If so then he is probably bisexual. I used to get so frustrated with myself because I thought that I had to be either gay OR straight - I couldn't understand how I could be so interested in guys, for weeks at a time be all about the guys, and then see a video of a woman pleasuring herself and be just as aroused.

..then I found this site and learned that bisexuality really does exist. That doesn't mean it is easy, or that the people involved are more promiscuous, etc.

If your husband just discovered that he likes men he may be captivated by that thought alone right now, but if he is bisexual there is likely a point where his perspective may come back into balance. If he really is gay then bless you both that you have been able to have what I hope is a loving marriage so far.

The person I love really is like my best friend, although this may be a big shock to you I hope that you can remember love is more than just sexual attraction.

[R. R. Wayne]

I commend your husband on his honesty. A lot of men would not tell their wives what he did. Me for one. I think you have received some good answers here and a few that are out of left field and are not worth reading. Best of luck to you both.

[Gearbox]

I know you can get phases of bisexuality where you prefer men or women depending on the day etc. and it could be as he's only recently come out this may be a massive fascination for him and his gay side is taking the fore front.
I think that's very insightful of you, and maybe right.
Right now, even if he is bi, the BIG relief of him addressing his sexuality could put him in a state of overpowering self discovery that could lead him to think that he must be gay because it's VERY strong! So you're not really going to know one way or the other until he calms down enough to know what's going on himself.

As for your future depending on him being bi or gay, I wouldn't be to hasty to put that decision on what he calls himself. I know a few married men who call themselves 'gay', yet still have an enjoyable sexual and emotional relationship with their wives who they are out to.
One even tells me that there is no such thing as bisexuality. But I don't believe that his wife routinely rapes him though, he's a big boy.:tongue: Nor do I believe that after coming out as 'gay', she'd expect anything sexual from him.
So your best bet is to go by actions and not rely on his level of understanding of sexuality. Give it some time.

[bikiniman]

When I first recognised my same sex desires I thought I was gay for a while. The repressed same sex desires overwhelmed me for a while.

I found the quiz below a very helpful tool in helping me understanding my own sexuality. It is based on extensive research by Klein and Kinsey.

http://www.youngsouthampton.org/children-and-young-people/advice/relationships/sexuality/klein-sexual-orientation-grid-quiz.aspx

Take the quiz yourself and suggest your husband does it.

[Ladycat]

Thanks four the comments.
I don't want to label him but in my mind at the moment of he told me he was gay and only had a desire for men then I think I would find it difficult to carry on. I need to feel sexually wanted by my husband and know that I am the one turning him on. If he was bisexual then at least I would know that as well as men I also turn him on.

He only came out to me a month ago so things are still pretty raw. We have a really good relationship and so have been able to have a joke about this and humour the situation .
I've told him that as looking as he's honest with me we can try and make this work for us . It makes no difference to me that he likes men. I've told him I want to see what we can do to make this work. I'm happy to experiment worth things that may turn him on ie porn, anal etc but at the moment I'm not prepared to share him. However I have told him of he needs we have to discuss it first before assuming one of its won't do it .

I guess for me the best outcome its he's able to be own, explore his feelings, we get to play which satisfy some of his needs whilst be faithful and have a good sex life .

I spoke with him about my fears and why it mattered to me if I turned him on. He said I do and he enjoys sex, he said if I no longer did anything for him he would have left. Hr said he does find women attractive but hasn't looked at female porn for a while. He is worried that as his gay side seems to have been gradully getting stronger through his adult life he doesn't know at what point will he be satisfied, is it a case that he will only be truely happy once he's had m2m sex. he's also worried that as part of our play he enjoyed the anal so much it actually made him want m2m sex more. He's told me I'm worrying about things neither of us can control and know the answers to at the moment. I'm worrying that he is so caught up in the release of being bi and free to feel without guilt that he will lose or rational thinking and think only m2m sex will fulfill him.

[Ladycat]

Thanks for the comments.
I don't want to label him but in my mind at the moment if he told me he was gay and only had a desire for men then I think I would find it difficult to carry on. I need to feel sexually wanted by my husband and know that I am the one turning him on. If he was bisexual then at least I would know that as well as men I also turn him on.

He only came out to me a month ago so things are still pretty raw. We have a really good relationship and so have been able to have a joke about this and humour the situation , comparing men, tastes etc.
I've told him that as long as he's honest with me we can try and make this work for us . It makes no difference to me that he likes men. I've told him I want to see what we can do to make this work. I'm happy to experiment wirth things that may turn him on ie porn, anal etc but at the moment I'm not prepared to share him. However I have told him if in the future that is what he wants to do we have to discuss it first before assuming one of us won't do it .

I guess for me the best outcome its he's able to be open,explore his feelings, we get to play which satisfies some of his needs whilst being faithful and have a good sex life .

I spoke with him about my fears and why it mattered to me if I turned him on. He said I do and he enjoys sex, he said if I no longer did anything for him he would have left. He said he does find women attractive but hasn't looked at female porn for a whileand hasn't thought sexually about other women because he's got means also men fill his mind. He is worried that as his gay side seems to have been gradully getting stronger through his adult life he doesn't know at what point will he be satisfied, is it a case that he will only be truely happy once he's had m2m sex and discovers what he's missing. he's also worried that as part of our play he enjoyed the anal so much it actually made him want m2m sex more. He's told me I'm worrying about things neither of us can control and know the answers to at the moment. I'm worrying that he is so caught up in the release of being bi and free to feel without guilt that he will lose all rational thinking and think only m2m sex will fulfill him.
To answer someone else, yes we do have young children, we've been together for 20yrs

[hasty1]

Hi Ladycat

I'm afraid that it's not something you're going to be able to ascertain from asking him the right questions. It sounds like he's questioning things himself too, and he may not be at his final conclusion yet. Yes, there are plenty of shades of grey (no pun intended) in bisexuality, and you'll find other threads here and elsewhere about whether there is an element of choice in being bisexual, but there's certainly a choice in how you act on it. However he is saying he's gay, and although you're right, it might be the bisexual phase that he's in at the moment, it equally might not be. Even if he were gay, would that be the end of your marriage? You say you can't consider a future with him if he is gay, but as other posters have said, these relationships can work. Are your needs being met in your marriage? You sound like a loving, caring and understanding woman, perhaps an open relationship may work for you both? It sounds like you both are invested in your relationship, and he has been honest with you, I wouldn't rule anything out at the moment and see what the future brings. As someone who has a failed marriage behind me I would say you'll know when it's time to go, it really doesn't sound like you're there yet so may be there's some discussion that you can have around what the future will look like for you both. I think that you need to sit down and talk to him, even if he doesn't want to. I know when there have been things that I need to discuss with my partner that he's not comfortable with I know that I have to make sure that my emotions are in check, that I am careful with my words and that when there are gaps in the discussion when I'm waiting for his answer, I wait for him to think and form the thoughts. I don't leave the conversation and and I don't allow him to either. It may sound very calculating, but it does mean that we properly talk about the important stuff. In part this comes from the fact that he has a neurological condition that makes communication difficult for him, I don't see why it wouldn't work for difficult conversations. The strange thing is that now I've just described how I do it I've realised I can't remember the last time we had to talk about anything in depth.

Good luck Ladycat.

Edit - we posted at the same time Ladycat, I'm glad that you talked to him, but it does sound like there's much more talking to be done. It may be that he will need to physically explore before he can be sure of what he's feeling, at least that's what he seems to be telling you. For you that means that you may have to consider how you might incorporate that into your marriage if that's how you want to go, and there are many ways. I know I was very insecure at the thought of sharing my partner, but over time, and many, many discussions that insecurity has left me. You've only known for a short time, it's very early days yet, give yourself a break and take the time to assimilate this, he has had years to consider this and come to terms with it so a month is nothing.

ps - my partner told me that the anal that we've had together (both ways) has been the best he's had, may be that's because we love each other? Just a thought.

[Ladycat]

[QUOTE=hasty.

Edit - we posted at the same time Ladycat, I'm glad that you talked to him, but it does sound like there's much more talking to be done. It may be that he will need to physically explore before he can be sure of what he's feeling, at least that's what he seems to be telling you. For you that means that you may have to consider how you might incorporate that into your marriage if that's how you want to go, and there are many ways. I know I was very insecure at the thought of sharing my partner, but over time, and many, many discussions that insecurity has left me. You've only known for a short time, it's very early days yet, give yourself a break and take the time to assimilate this, he has had years to consider this and come to terms with it so .[/QUOTE]

i feel so mixed up. My head spins from all the constant thinking. Can I ask how you managed in the early days?

[fredtyg]

I know a few married men who call themselves 'gay', yet still have an enjoyable sexual and emotional relationship with their wives who they are out to.


Yep. I recall a guy who had a blog that drove me nuts with that. His was a real life blog about his situation with his wife with whom he had a rocky relationship. He always labeled himself as gay, yet when discussing if he wanted to get back together with his wife, he wrote he wanted and expected to have sex with his wife if they were to get back together. No sex with the wife was a deal breaker as far as getting back together. Yet he considers himself gay.

I commented to him at that point that if he really insisted on sex with the wife shouldn't he consider himself bisexual? He never replied to my comment and, last I read on his blog, still referred to himself as gay.

[hasty1]

Ours is a slightly different story, I always knew he was bi, and as we we having nsa sex it didn't really bother me, except that I found it quite a turn on. He's a really exceptional lover and I put that down to his being bisexual and open to trying different things. After 18 months of this we were starting to fall for each other and decided to try a relationship, 3 and a half years later we're living together. We fell deeply in love and his being bisexual seemed to get forgotten, by me at least. We started out with the intention of having other partners but decided we would concentrate on us and what we were to begin with. When he did bring the subject up some years later I was probably thrown into the same sort of turmoil that you're experiencing now, I constantly asked him questions and have discussions with him, and would feel that I could accept and understand things, only to have it all undermined later on. I have said and done things that have hurt him, which I regret deeply now, and I am lucky that he has forgiven me. For me the turn around came when I looked at myself, my fantasies and desires and observed how important these things were for me, how they affected my love for my man. I tried to put myself in his shoes, as much as I could, and imagine how I would feel in the same circumstances. These things slowly helped me to understand how it is for him, also I had to amend my idea of what his bisexuality was. It wasn't the demanding beast I'd imagined, for him it was a known factor in his sexuality, one that he would like to experience again sometime, but it wasn't consuming him the way it was consuming me. I feel this might be different to your situation, may be not, he is still trying to understand himself and things may settle out far from where he thinks at the moment. I think also something that I've had to understand is the difference between sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy. At this point I'm prepared to share him sexually, but not emotionally. What we have at the moment is too hard won to mess around with. We have made plans about what we plan to do in the future that will meet both our needs and for the moment that's where we are. I expect bumps in the road in the future, what relationship doesn't have them, but I feel in a much better place to deal with them. To get to this point it has taken many, many hours of talking, when he didn't want to, when he felt I would never understand but he took the time to do it anyway, bless him. I finally know, deep to my very core, that no one else can take my place in his heart and that I should trust him and what he says. And why wouldn't I? His being bisexual doesn't change him in other ways, I observe how much he cares for other people, how honest he is and how he treats others, why I imagined that these things would leave in a hurry if sex with a man was possible I've no idea.

I feel for you Ladycat, but I can assure you that with communication and honesty things can get better. You sound like you're ready to give alternative arrangements a go, but please wait until you're in the right place to do anything. I've several times decided that I'm 'ready' for the bi threesomes we plan, more to get it out of the way and see exactly what it does to our relationship, but he refused, because I was doing it for the wrong reasons, he wants me to get something out of it too and for us to be in a place where we are as certain as we can be that it won't negatively affect us. I am finally there, I know that what we've planned should work for us both, but he seems to have some more thinking to do so nothing is happening at present.

I hope you can get something from my story that might help you. x