Is most bisexuality nurtured by some type of sexual abuse or trama?

[biblkman]

First a summary of my sexual or bisexual experience.

When I was around 7 I was molested by 2 men, they were my aunts neighbors, I knocked looking for my cousin they invited me in, one looked old maybe 60s the other looked to be in his 30s.

They showed me to a bedroom and molested me, I was a kid so I won't go into details, anyway since then as a child I fantasized about having sex with grown men.

I had sex with an 18 year old when I was 11, he was in foster care and couldn't move out till he was 21 he stayed down the street anyway we hung out from time to time and one time we messed around and had sex all that summer before he went to another foster home.

After those experiences I remember seeing pedifiles on TV as a child and fantasizing that it was me who had been molested. I know that sounds bad but I did truly enjoy being molested by those men during and after.

But I was always attracted to girls and only had sex with girls when I was of age and had consentual sex with a man when I was 22 and didn't have sex with another man till I was 32 in that 10 year gap I was very confussed but know I accept my bisexuality.

But I often wonder had I not been molested would I still have eventually became bisexual or would I have naturally been bisexual all on my own or would I have been completely straight, like I said I was always attracted to girls befor I had been with one and never had bisexual or homosexual thoughts or fantasies till I was molested.

All of the bisexuals that I personally know have had some form of sexual abuse or trama.

Any thoughts ?

[biblkman]

Just to be clear I think pedifiles and rapist are the worst kind of people, I would never condone any kind of sick behaviour like that, as I stated I was a kid when I fantasized about men...just wanted to clear that up in case any one was wondering

[elian]

I think that I was predisposed to being bisexual from a young age, environment and sexual abuse did play a role in bringing out those latent tendencies. Children benefit from having clear boundaries drawn between love and sex with adults in their lives. Sexual abuse blurs those lines..I don't have a very clear distinction between love and sex, other than I know what a one night stand feels like so I try to avoid those.

The sex was pleasurable, but all of the things the boy did to me both before and afterwards were abusive, I was still in the single digits, I think it was the first time an adult (well teen actually) ever abused my trust and physically threatened me. That affected me in a profound way more than the sex act actually did.

It is very hard to separate the trauma of the abuse from my sexual identity and my self identity. I do believe they are separate things, abuse is sick and sinful, and the Christian church up until very recently taught that "being gay" was sick and sinful - so my first challenge was to know and then try to convince myself that *I* was not a mistake..

Someone else recently started another thread about this topic about a month ago - you may seem more responses if you look through the archives for that thread.

People who preach against LGBT folks, I just get sad, because if they knew what I have been through - which is only really about 1/16 of what most sexually abused children go through - they would understand that my struggle for acceptance has more to do with me then it does them, and it isn't just about getting laid with as many guys as possible. It's about being able to view myself as a healthy, whole person.

Maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm gay, maybe I'm just a straight guy who can't figure out how to cope with abuse and trust people fully again.

What I need to realize though is that no one else can define that for me..I either take my rightful place or I don't - it's my choice, not theirs.

[Basin_Bouy]

Good question! I was sexually abused by my Mother up to age 12-13. My first true sexual experience with a guy wasn't until I was 40, but always yearned for it. Between 7-11 I often fooled around with a neighbourhood boy who ended up coming out as Gay. Oddly, my father always encouraged my friendship with him, as did his father. I've often wondered if I did not have that experience with that neighbourhood boy, would I have been Bi! I've had lots of sexual relationships with women, been married twice, and am in a LTR with a wonderful loving woman ... but I still love intimate sexual encounters with men.

[jem_is_bi]

I was never molested and have been bisexual my entire live.
So, I have no first hand experience of how that might have changed/influenced my sexual identity.
Something like that would likely have had some (sexual/other) effect on me depending on the details of the molestation.

[biblkman]

To drugstore.....your comments always amuse me!
First I have seen a therapist and it was most benificial, second I asked a question I did not make a statement, but you seem to be a little uptight about this matter, so ill wait for more of your hilarious enlightenment....go talk to a tharapist...lol, priceless! Oh and one more thing...I DID pose the question was it nurture due to sercumstanses but I do.agree not all bisexuals, gays or straight people are so because of sexual abuse...just the ones...and I stated this earlyer...that I personally know....go talk to a therapist...how witty and edgy LMAO!

[VZR1800]

I think he is on drugs when he posts. He is such a pompous ass most of the time.

I never had any molestation issues growing up. In fact turned down advances ny men most of my adult life. It was after my wife and I separated last year that I had the urge and desire to try it.

[dickhand]

I was not molested as a child . I am bi . However , the wife was molested at a young age by men . Perhaps that is why she was strictly heterosexual .

[Gearbox]

I was having bi sex at 10 (although not full sex) with m&f's the same age. It came natural to view sex as just sex, and had nothing to do with genders. The m-m sex stopped at 12 coz we found out it was 'wrong'.
No adult did anything to or with me, but that's what I wanted. Strangely I think that was ok for ME to crave, but not ok for an adult to satisfy.

If I hadn't experimented with males at that time and found out it was natural, I don't know if I'd be bi now. It might have been a curiosity that passes, and I'd have fitted into the 'norm'. Much like the bi-curious who are not sure until they try it.

Same with all the various sexual acts - I had no idea I'd like most of them, until I tried them. You could say that we are destined to like something, but we are not always aware of it until we experience it. That experience doesn't force you to like something, but just lets you know that you do.

[darkeyes]

No, but some is.. more than I like 2 think about.. doubt we will ever know just how big a section of the gay and bi worlds wer swtiched on 2 being gay or bi by abuse... or for that matter how many were sexually abused and have had their true natures twisted out of kilter and live str8 lives because of it... prob just as many... whatever kind of abuse it was... but most are what they are I believe cos that's wot they r... and always wer going 2 b...:)

[elian]

Hmm, here I thought that drugstore was honestly trying to be helpful.

With respect to gearbox' comments about predestination - I have memories of playing with myself from a very young age and staring at other people as well - so I was a "sexual" child before I even knew what sex really was? Not that I ever got any sexual pleasure from it, but I noticed people's genitals the same way other people notice eye color.

I was naturally submissive and I guess that people noticed me noticing them because a few of them (older or the same age) had no trouble showing me their genitals at all..male, female - they would just whip that stuff out - I guess maybe they were either curious or horny - it was a really weird way to grow up, especially when I was a pre-teen. I actually had adults tell me I was a "fag" before I developed a sexual identity.

All I can say about that now is LOL, wouldn't they be shocked to know I have those nasty "straight" tendencies... ! :)


Non illigitamus carborundum

[iluvsatinpanties2]

I was kidnapped when I was 11 by a young man in his 20's and sexually abused but no intercourse. It was not long after I began to initiate mutual fondling sessions with my best friend that progressed into me sucking his cock at age 12. I do believe my forced sexual relations with an older guy may have had some part in me being bisexual today.
After 22 years of marriage I was able to come out to my wife which was a huge relief to me and she is understanding although she does not want to know about my encounters.

[elian]

It is true that we are shaped by our experiences in the past, but the future is open. I think that is why I spend so much time just trying to convince people no matter how much stuff they have been through in their lives, they are loved. SOME of my experiences were not pleasant, but they gave me the gift of an open mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6BHib3I3Z0&list=PLAAA30E682314BDBA

[ghost_of_bluebiyou]

Biblkman, to answer your question directly... Partially. You are asking the age old question...

NATURE OR NURTURE? I say both.

Some of us males (who were not born 99.9%+ straight Kinsey scale) who had castrating mothers, gravitated to gay or bi, or 'experimental'
Some of us who were molested, enjoyed the attention and thus gravitated that direction.
Others of us who were molested and traumatized by the event became defensive and repugnant and either;
identified with the molester, thus (the best defense being offense) became parallel with the molester (so we wouldn't be the victim again)
or
rejected the molester so deeply that no possible deep or sexual feeling would again be associated with someone of the same gender as the molester (except under extreme 'filters').

In conclusion, your feelings are quite normal.

There are no absolutes... sexuality is far more plastic than 'phobes' fear... but far from absolute.

Good luck and best wishes,
Blue

[Avrgguy01]

I'm with Ghost on this one, but I'd like to add a bit to it.

I have always associated bisexuality with higher intelligence and the capacity for more open-minded or broader scope thinking. Some of history's greatest thinkers (social and societal norms aside) of both sexes are either rumored or confirmed to be bisexual. This hold true for science, politics, the arts, and such, so its a very cross discipline phenomenon.

I'm not trying to interject left versus right brain thinkers into the conversation, but I can remember at least one study of autopsied brains that associated a larger corpus callosum (the bundle of brain tissue and nerve fibers that connect the two halves together) to be larger in people who had above average intelligence and other enhanced abilities. Several of those also admitted to being bisexual from questionnaires administered obviously prior to their death.

I'm also tired of the abuse claims, they get thrown at everything that's considered "deviant" whether its being Bi or a college drop out or a porn star. It might be coincidental, but its never been proven to be causal as far as I'm aware.

Bis are SMARTER! :suave:

[tenni]

I would think that most bisexuals were not abused or had a sexual trauma. Some may have been but I am not aware of any study that makes this link as to why some people are bisexual.

I do know from personal observation that some young girls who are sexually or emotionally abused may be at higher risk to become overly and prematurely sexualized. I know of several cases where young girls were sexually molested. The molestation occurred more than once and by different predators. When these young girls approached adult males and did this with sexual touching, if the guy is in anyway inclined to be a sexual predator, sadly things will happen. It is possible that if the molester was the same sex that similar patterns may happen unless treatment is sought. But as a generality no, I don't believe the premise of the OP.

[guywholikesboth]

I was 13 and a friend forced his big cock into my mouth and fucked it till he came I swallowed all of it. We played that foorced game for months It wasnt till I was 18 I had my first taste of pussy

[biblkman]

To BiTwink

Why do I need help ? Is it cause I asked a question wanting to know peoples opinions.

Once again I didn't say all bisexuals had some sort of sexual abuse or trama just the ones I know and we all live normal lives so...why do I need help ?

I don't understand why some people act like I said something offensive or that I need help LOL,

Thanks for answering my question aside from the you need help part.

It's been a long day so I'll go easy on you, but aside from that if you would like to elaborate on your opinion on the subject I would love to read your well thought and deep insight.

[Bikash Pandey]

my step-mom started sexually abusing me when i started staying with my father at the age of 11. she used to have sex with me and after that she used to put cucumbers up my ass.. i guess this has somehow influenced me to be a bottom and bi-sexual both..

[12voltman59]

For me--I NEVER had any sort of forced sex when I was a kid---but always thought it would be nice to have sex with both girls and guys---from an early age--so early that I can hardly recall those earliest memories---so at least for me----my desire to have sex with both females and males had ZERO to do with having been sexually molested by some old pervs.

It does get me though---at how many guys I have talked to over the years since I first started to really pursue having sex with other guys once again at a later stage in life who had been sexually molested by an older man that came into their lives and while such molestation is surely wrong and bad---they had fantasized about having such sex and actually were very willing participants in the sex they had with those older men who seduced them and they actually look back fondly on those times with those men.

[elian]

I am sure that LGBT feelings are not a direct result of abuse, but abuse can complicate the situation. Attitude makes a huge difference, if you are a willing participant that's one thing. If you are forced into a situation or someone abuses trust or authority that is another. I am convinced that is why there is a legal age of consent and it's probably a good thing that there is.

If the circumstances surrounding my first sexual experience had been different I probably would have found it very enjoyable. As a matter of fact, I didn't really mind the sex - the kid was abusive to me in other ways - locking me in the basement for an hour, showing me guns, threatening me. It just made for a really screwed up experience. I was 7, he was 11 that was the first time an "adult" ever treated me that way, and it was the same "adult" that introduced me to sex as well.

That teen obviously had issues of his own, you don't behave that way, and know all of the things he knew about sex (at 11 years old) without someone else teaching you. The WORST thing though, after being held by a man like I was loved intimately for the first time in my life I never saw him again after that weekend. For 15 years I questioned what I felt about that experience. Even now in writing this I can see that I am blurring the line between "love", "sex" and "abuse".

So I'm sorry if I seem like a hard ass, and I am glad that some of you have had positive experiences but all of this is interconnected in my life. When I have sex with someone all of those old feelings surface, it's really hard to trust. Then I remember that I am an adult and that the person I am with loves me. I thank God that I am now an adult and I understand and desire to share myself freely as an adult - I did not have the opportunity to know any of those things as a child.

I had to sort of laugh because at one time in his life my boyfriend said he was afraid of being abandoned - for 10 years of my life I knew what it's like to be loved and left as well.

For the record I never felt "smarter" as a bisexual - it only made me more confused that I liked BOTH males and females. Maybe you meant more of a smart-ass? When people tell you that you are better off dead, I guess that tends to make some of us sort of cynical. Or perhaps you meant more "open minded" which I can agree with - out of all of this confusion I was forced to have the gift of an open mind. I guess it was worth the price.

[12voltman59]

Elian---you are right---the way that kid treated you was not right----it was a form of terror of sorts--and certainly coercion and no matter who does that to someone else--whether its one kid doing it to another or an adult---its a form of assault---that he threatened you in some fashion surely makes that clear.

I am sorry to hear that you were a victim of such abuse and had such a negative experience. For me----I had some very nice, consensual sexual experiences with other kids---even though I was sort of a passive follower in some of them as the situations unfolded---I may not have lead or instigated them--but I surely was a willing and enthusiastic participant once I found myself in them.

I should have made in clear in my previous post---that no adult figure in my life---ever made any sort of sexual overtures to me. I do wonder sometimes---had such a thing have happened--what would have been my reaction and what would I have done??? Would I have been like many of the guys I have talked to who have told me of long term sexual relations they had with men, like the dad of a buddy as one guy recently told me about---the dad found this guy and his buddy sucking each other one day---before long--the dad made a play for this guy---and the guy willing sucked his dick--dong that for awhile--- later--the dad moved on to start fucking him regularly--and the guy said he willing let the man do it and that he enjoyed it--and still thinks about it all these many years later.

Another guy I talk to----he had a long term thing of that sort with a man who owned a mom and pop shop--with that man apparently doing things with scores of boys over the years and was never caught----and when he died---the guy I talked with---was bummed the old perv died.

You do have to wonder----just how many men have had such experiences in their lives, but that they bury those memories deep--or at least try to for as long as they can?????

Sad to say----I have known many women who were sexually used and abused by adults close to them when they were young---or have been raped violently by total strangers--but yet they carry that with them, hiding it as best they can.

It really sucks that we can do such violence against one another.

[Avrgguy01]

This reeks of chauvinism and it has never been proven to be true or factual at all. Bisexuals and gay men are no more intelligent than heterosexuals or lesbians. Also one just needs to look at this site to realize that bisexuals are no more intelligent than people of other sexual orientations, and keep in mind that most people are just of "average" intelligence.

DC, the only connection with chauvinism with my comments is the one you made. I was speaking about all Bisexual people, male AND female, nor did I make any statements about homosexual men or lesbians.

I was just trying to make a positive statement about the nature of Bisexuals. You chose not to interpret it that way so I am sorry that you were offended.

[babloobla]

I can't speak for most bisexuality but I would not choose the words 'nurtured by sexual abuse'. Nurturing is a positive term. I knew a therapist once who had done a lot of work with sex offenders and with whom I discussed my bisexual feelings and a childhood experience where a adult 'touched me in a sexual way'. That is not a euphemism, it did not proceed to a definitive sex act but it was clear he was aroused and wanted to do something. It was weird. I stayed away from him after that. And I can't say it helped, I think I was going to be bi anyway, or was already bi, I was 12, but the pervert fucked up my development as I had no clear idea what my feelings meant or what he was doing. I don't think bisexuality or gay sexualities are nurtured except by very few parents. Most LGBT deal with terrible struggles due to the lack of nurturing or healthy attitudes in society toward anything but heterosexual behavior. So I say NO, to the question.

[darkeyes]

Short answer: NO. Sexual abuse, trauma, or sexual molestation have nothing to do with someone being bisexual or LGBT. Only someone like the OP and others who have not gotten help or gotten over being sexually abused/molested would actually think and believe this.

Is this true I wonder? I made my view plain earlier in the thread...

...if we accept that to some degree environmental factors can influence a persons sexuality, then sexual abuse of the young can surely do so, especially frequent sexual abuse. If a child or young person has known little else, then it is unsurprising if he or she has his or her sexuality determined substantially by the events of his or her childhood or even adolescence. It is a fact that many will themselves become abusers, so it makes sense to me that many will also become bisexual or gay dependant on the abuse experienced even if not all, most, will not become abusers themselves...

Some will recoil in horror and be other than the kind of person their abuser was, and some will develop the sexuality of their abuser/abusers.. and some a mixture of what their sexuality would have been and the sexuality of the abuser(s)... they will consider themselves in short, bisexual... and some will never take to any kind of sexual activity whatsoever... many never do get the therapy and help, Cowboy, so in a sense u seem to contradict the gist of ur own argument in the same breath...... irrespective, many just become what their young experience taught them is how they are.. to them it becomes their norm.. had they been unmolested it is almost impossible to in the vast majority of cases to be sure of just what their sexuality would have become...

Human sexuality specifically and human beings in general are far too complex to give definitive yes/no answers... very little is black and white in this world, something ur own certainties too rarely take sufficient account of...

[NjbiGuy01]

In my case: I was a very sexually oppressed kid. Italian-Catholic home life, sex "was dirty and bad", and I was so horny I masturbated many times a day. I had my first sexual encounter (getting a blow job from a girl and eventually fucking her) at 15. around 16 or so I encountered a group male jerk off party situation. A bunch of jocks in my school who shared homework to ironically make more time for sports and girls ! One day only my friend Mike and I were there and the experimentation led to mutual blow jobs and in subsequent meetings, anal sex, using his moms toys, and peeing and coming on one another in the shower....I was hooked, but more that it was simply more sex then whether it was gay or straight....later in life, I fell into MM MFM and a few MFMF scenes too. Attended a few swing parties, played on cruise ships (I worked as a musician), and enjoyed all varieties of sex and sex partners. I settled into marriage, and although very happy, the bisexual urges still come calling from time to time.....To my knowledge, I was never molested by anyone. Closest thing was some old creep on the Subway offering me fifty bucks to let him suck my dick. I found that repulsive, although it didn't turn me off to sex...

[Bisexual Explorer]

I had oral sex with an adult male when I was 8. I remember liking the experience and feeling guilty about it at the same time. I can't say that this experience contributed to my being bi since I don't know what would have happened otherwise. The responses to this thread are probably typical - the development of sexual identity goes along many different paths.

To be absolutely clear, any type of child abuse is abhorrent.

Bisexual Explorer

[Hypersexual11]

Reading through this, it seems there is at least a link to "open sexuality" and sex as a youth. At a very young age, maybe 8, a few friends and i would go to the edge of town and swim in the irrigation ditch. These swimming sessions were always in the nude and usually ended with some form of homosexual activity, peeing contest was the tamest. Sometimes we would make a taking a train consisting of all of us attached dick to ass and seeing how far we could walk before someone couldn't stay in. We didnt see this as gay until later in life when we were "educated" on social standards. Also, about this time, I had a friend who I only saw when our mothers met for coffee. He had a sister a couple years older than him. He also had a cousin that was his age who had a sister a couple years older. The 4 of them would get together and kinda have sex. Mostly I think they were imitating what they knew, which was very little. But, when he came over, he would tell me about these adventures. Since I had never seen a pussy and knew nothing about sex, I was mesmerized by his stories. He would tell me how the girls would kiss their dicks. He told me we could do that if I wanted to. We would go out to the shed in the back yard which doubled as a play house and strip down. We would lick and suck each other although I dont remember really enjoying it. We did a lot of playing with our asses. After about 12, I didnt do anything with boys. I always knew I wanted to though but the 70s in Montana was no place for a gay guy, which is what you were if you sucked dick. Anyway, I put that aside until I was about 35 and started seeing guys. I have no idea if those young days influenced me or not but luckily I was never molested. Everything was mutual. I love being sexually open though and since it runs in the family, maybe more nature.