Its Complicated, Divorce, New Partner, Bisexuality

[bigsbguy]

I have been married for 7 years, and been involved with her for 13.5 About 2 1/2 years ago she went off the pill without telling me, and we started to move apart. I have not been the most faithful of partners, and have also known that I was bi for about 15 years. I have cheated on her in the past, and she has gone through my email and discovered my interest in men. When we would get into fights she would call me a faggot and threaten to "tell everyone that you like to suck cock". For the last two years I have wanted to talk and work things out, but she claims it is all me, and she is perfect. Also for the last 2 years I have contemplated divorce, spoken to friends about this, and even spoke to an attorney. Here is where it gets complicated. While pursuing this, I met an amazing woman, who I can be open and honest with. She is Bi and knows that I am. I have realized that I don't need to be ashamed of this. Our relationship has strengthened and I have informed my wife of this woman, and my desire to divorce. I am not divorcing because of her, but because I am unhappy. I have said that it shouldn't have taken the threat of an attorney to bring her to talk. Since the initial conversation, she has expressed a desire to explore women, and also watch me with men. I feel that she is just trying to throw a "hail marry" to save this marriage. I have told her that her experimenting with woman will not fix us, but I would support her in this, so she can discover herself. She has apologized repeatedly about the harsh words expressed when we fight. She claims that she has always had these feelings, and the feelings not to have a child (even though she has pressed me to have a child) because she felt pressure to be good. I am filing papers and hope that she can discover who she really is. I also hope in time, I can fall in love with this wonderful woman who I have met, and accepts me for who I am.

[Long Duck Dong]

let me get this right... you knew you were bi for 15 years,... with your partner for about 13.5 years, married to them for 7 years...... and they find out about your sexuality from emails.... but there are issues cos she went off the pill without telling you, you think that she is trying to throw a hail marry to save the marriage....... and you can hold up another female in her face while you are talking about divorce and how it should have not taken the threat of a attorney for your wife to open up and talk ???

I think that you are doing your wife a favour by divorcing her, she deserves the chance to find a partner that is better suited for her than you and I think its a shame that your wife never divorced you but stood by you, cos of the way you are dismissing her own sexuality confusion as not really something of importance....

[Hypersexual11]

I guess I'm a little less judgmental about this since I also hid my bisexuality from my wife. But had she not supported me when she did find out, we probably wouldn't be together any longer. Threatening to out you is pretty harsh on her part. Tricking you into daddyhood is kinda rough as well. Currently she is feeling afraid. She probably assumed this marriage would go on forever and now she doesn't like the possibility of being alone. IMO, you aren't suited for each other and should continue with the divorce before she does get pregnant and traps you.

[tenni]

Hi bigsguy
You didn't ask for advice but you got some typically negative, judgemental comment as your first response. It is sad and rather pathetic. Since you haven't asked a question but merely chosen to share your life experience, thank you. Life and being a bisexual is often far more complicated than some judgemental posters wish to it to be. You seem to have decided that it is time to end your marriage even without this new woman's presence. I think that it is good that you have been able to separate the two situations.

I hope that your future is happy.

[darkeyes]

I don't condemn or condone the actions of either of u, sweetheart... it must feel triff 2 get some honesty and integrity back in ur life and a sense of self. Being free to be open about who u are is a wonderful thing. It's an awful thing living a lie and awful when that lie is exposed for the pain u have felt in living it is multiplied a dozen times over and the blast of pain ur wife feels can be no less. I agree with tenni that getting out of the marriage is best for both of u. Life with the other woman may not always be a bed of roses, but at least there is an honesty in the relationship u have not hitherto been able to experience and that is a hopeful sign for both of u. I am sure in time that ur wife will realise that what is happening now is best for all and she too will be able to move on and regain some happiness.

[bigsbguy]

Thank You! I appreciate the kinds words. It has been a tough road, and tough decision. My wife claims to "understand" and wants to watch me with another man. She also recently had an encounter with a woman, and claims that she enjoyed it, however I believe she is doing both of these things to save the marriage. I have told her that I would be happy to help her explore if she needed someone there for trust and safety, however it would not change my feelings about our marriage going forward. I am in love with the woman I am seeing. She makes me happy and I have a safety and security with her that I have never felt before. She too, is bi, and understands the trials that come with the lifestyle.

[Gearbox]

It is sad that your wife is trying her best to keep you now you are leaving, but it would be cruel to to both of you if you stayed. In my experience, those sudden changes never last long. Hopefully she'll come to terms with letting you go.
Congrats on finding love & comfort as yourself with this new lady, and kudos for offering friendship to your wife. She may not see it that way at the mo, but it could help her move on.

[hasty1]

Hi bigsbguy, you've not asked for advice, so I won't offer any but I am curious about something. You're being open and honest with your new partner, which is great, but I'm wondering what stopped you from being similarly open and honest with your wife 13 and a half years ago? She might have accepted it and worked to understand it then, perhaps not, but you might not have wasted 13 and a half years of both your lives. I don't mean to sound harsh, but does sound like communication has been an major issue in your relationship, with you cheating and her desire for child overriding common sense.

[jamieknyc]

It's a shame that the idiots had to chime in with stupid, judgmental comments (the guilty parties know who they are). But when it's over, it's over, so don't feel guilty about moving on to someone new.

In most divorces there is a spouse that leaves and a spouse that feels abandoned. This situation is not unusual.

[bigsbguy]

I really feel that I was just married to young. We were taking the steps (graduation, build a house, get married). As far as communication, she is very reserved and doesn't open up easialy. When I would try to bring things up, especially dealing with sex, she would just brush them off or judge (strip clubs are dirty, or that girl is a complete slut if she does that). So at some point you just loose the desire to communicate.

[hasty1]

Ah, being young, I remember it well! Thanks for that bigsbguy, it's easy to forget sometimes that you didn't always have the benefit of experience.

[hasty1]

GC and LDD - it's hard not to agree with your sentiments, but I'm trying to remember that it's impossible to accurately distill a 13 and half year relationship into a few sentences and there may be things we do not know. I do think that the issue of children looms large in this scenario and that the OP and his wife are probably better off apart, as he has stated.

bigsbguy - what I would like to say to you is I wish you luck in your new relationship, and hope that your wife moves on and finds someone to be happy with, but please learn something from your past. My ex-husband's new marriage is going exactly the same way ours did, he started out differently but ultimately has reverted to the same behaviours. (I know because my adult kids are closer to her than their father and have asked for my advice in dealing with him, so they could help her) It seems he has learned nothing from losing his wife and 2 children. From your post it would seem that you have been misguided in how to have a healthy relationship, I hope you find a different path this time.

[Long Duck Dong]

hasty I am not the best at clearly articulating what I mean, in words.... and the way i express myself outside of the forum, doesn't translate that well into words in the forum and I do have a most unusual way of looking at things and seeing things.......

my * judgement* of the guy is not as harsh as people may think.. its merely a different way of expressing the same sentiment that others have, however I do not carry much of the narrow minded tunnel vision of some of the posters in regards to who is at fault, ( normally the female / non bisexual ) but I am a firm believer in that it takes two people to have a relationship and not the bisexual and the person that is supposed to kowtow to them and never have a opinion, as implied by some of the more vocal and single members of the forum.....

based on what the guy is saying, they are both better off out of the marriage...... but its for both of their sakes, they never should have married in the first place, as proven by the guys, married too young, remark later in the thread...... my mentioning the fact that he was out for 15 years, in a relationship for 13.5 years and married for 7 years, once again a situation where honesty and openness was lacking and created much of the issue, as more amusement than anything..... cos he was quick to point the finger at his partner in regards for not talking, but there were indications that communications within the relationship were failing on both sides and I can not help but wonder if the OP would be handling the issue in the way he was, if his partner was the one that pulled the rug out from under his feet, while she had the safety net of another guys arms.....

[Gearbox]

hasty I am not the best at clearly articulating what I mean, in words.... and the way i express myself outside of the forum, doesn't translate that well into words in the forum and I do have a most unusual way of looking at things and seeing things.......

my * judgement* of the guy is not as harsh as people may think.. its merely a different way of expressing the same sentiment that others have, however I do not carry much of the narrow minded tunnel vision of some of the posters in regards to who is at fault, ( normally the female / non bisexual ) but I am a firm believer in that it takes two people to have a relationship and not the bisexual and the person that is supposed to kowtow to them and never have a opinion, as implied by some of the more vocal and single members of the forum.....

based on what the guy is saying, they are both better off out of the marriage...... but its for both of their sakes, they never should have married in the first place, as proven by the guys, married too young, remark later in the thread...... my mentioning the fact that he was out for 15 years, in a relationship for 13.5 years and married for 7 years, once again a situation where honesty and openness was lacking and created much of the issue, as more amusement than anything..... cos he was quick to point the finger at his partner in regards for not talking, but there were indications that communications within the relationship were failing on both sides and I can not help but wonder if the OP would be handling the issue in the way he was, if his partner was the one that pulled the rug out from under his feet, while she had the safety net of another guys arms.....
As usual, you make the wife out to be THE victim of the bi OP, and feel it necessary to inject some venomous judgmental scorn into his day on his wife's behalf.
Maybe if you could get past your tunnel vision towards closeted bi's, you'd notice that they were in a MUTUALLY abusive marriage where neither wore a halo?

Your seem to completely miss the bit where the OP explains why he couldn't be open and honest to his wife, and instead decide to ridicule him for it. That's all well and good for YOU as an open LGBT parade organizer to condemn the closeted so brazenly, but obviously HE had difficulty in HIS situation. Yes he should have been honest from the start if he couldn't do without men (or not bother at all), but that isn't ever easy when you expect NOT to be accepted, especially if you have yet to accept yourself. THAT sadly is no rarity, and a bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss from the 'out n proud' brigade!
It causes all kinds of crap, but like the OP, many don't get to a stage of self security until they go through that crap.
That's as bad for the OP as it is for his wife, sadly.

[Long Duck Dong]

my * judgement* of the guy is not as harsh as people may think.. its merely a different way of expressing the same sentiment that others have, however I do not carry much of the narrow minded tunnel vision of some of the posters in regards to who is at fault, ( normally the female / non bisexual ) but I am a firm believer in that it takes two people to have a relationship and not the bisexual and the person that is supposed to kowtow to them and never have a opinion, as implied by some of the more vocal and single members of the forum.....

ok.... the wife is going to be the survivor of a marriage that was ended in part by a partner that was unfaithful during the marriage....... there we go.... she is no longer the victim of something that she had no choice in.. but a survivor of a situation that she may have never wanted to be in, but was placed in by their partner....

the difference between a closeted bi male and a cheater, is that a closeted bi male can not cheat on a partner they do not have..... and you do not have to be closeted in order to cheat on a partner...... there you go gearbox.... no sexuality mentioned, merely reworded.... but it doesn't change the fact that the wife had no choice in the matter but she is the one that hurts cos of the actions and choices of her partner and while you want to see victims, I can see survivors
.

[Gearbox]

but it doesn't change the fact that the wife had no choice in the matter but she is the one that hurts cos of the actions and choices of her partner and while you want to see victims, I can see survivors.
Has it actually struck you yet that the OP is FINALLY happy after leaving his wife, and that she was not the only one hurt in that marriage?
Both had choices, and both decided NOT to communicate. She was as unapproachable as he was withholding.
Just coz he was getting his end away on the sly, doesn't mean he was having a great time 24/7 while she lived in misery! If he thought it THAT enjoyable, he wouldn't appreciate his new understanding partner quite so much.

BOTH got it wrong! Both deserve some compassion IMO. That's a bit too much to ask from some.

[Long Duck Dong]

mmm nope.... it has not actually stuck me yet...

I posted this in post 14 based on what the guy is saying, they are both better off out of the marriage...... but its for both of their sakes, they never should have married in the first place, as proven by the guys, married too young, remark later in the thread "

in post 17, you are questioning if its struck me that the guy is happy after leaving his wife...... seriously, you are so hell bent on blaming the female like you do in most relationship threads, that you are not even reading what people are posting before you rush in to have a go at them.....

[csrakate]

I think that you are doing your wife a favour by divorcing her, she deserves the chance to find a partner that is better suited for her than you and I think its a shame that your wife never divorced you but stood by you, cos of the way you are dismissing her own sexuality confusion as not really something of importance....

The OP has not dismissed his wife's sexual confusion....he very clearly states that he supports her quest to discover herself and who she really is.


I feel that she is just trying to throw a "hail marry" to save this marriage. I have told her that her experimenting with woman will not fix us, but I would support her in this, so she can discover herself. She has apologized repeatedly about the harsh words expressed when we fight. She claims that she has always had these feelings, and the feelings not to have a child (even though she has pressed me to have a child) because she felt pressure to be good. I am filing papers and hope that she can discover who she really is.

What the OP cannot get past and part of the reason this marriage is doomed are the harsh words and her threats, something that many bisexuals face whenever they disclose their sexuality to an unsuspecting spouse. It probably would have been best had he been more honest with her from the very beginning but we don't know their situation and it's obvious that she has not been very open minded about his sexuality since finding out. It appears that she did not even attempt to accept him and his bisexuality until she felt the threat of divorce. That's hardly a basis for a productive and happy marriage.

LDD, regardless of your subsequent words on the subject and the fact that you agree they would be better off out of this marriage, you were very quick to assign blame to the OP. What I find ironic is that you have accused Gearbox of being "hellbent on accusing the female" but it looks to me that you're pretty hellbent on blaming the bisexual...as usual.

[Long Duck Dong]

sorry kate, I do not resort to tenni tactics when it comes to relationships and marriages and assigning blame based around sexuality.......

read my original post... I was not blaming the sexuality for anything.... as its not the sexuality that makes people act the way they do, unless they are using it as a excuse and nor was I blaming the bisexual male

sexuality is a aspect of a person, not the sum total, its something that I have always said, from the moment I joined the site.... its other people like the short ass troll that uses my sexuality and sexual nature ( and that of others ) as a weapon as has been seen on so many occasions...
the bisexuality aspect, is merely a secret the OP knew about when he entered into a relationship, he acted upon that aspect and indulged it.. but it doesn't make the bisexuality responsible for his actions, it makes him responsible for his actions.. in the same way that I touched on the possible sexuality of the partner as a possible reasoning for her own actions ( cause and effect )

so lets get something straight shall we... I am not blaming anybody for the breakdown and end of the marriage... as its not my fucking marriage..... I have posted that it would appear that they are BOTH better off out of the marriage..... I do not see a need for or feel a need to, assign blame to anybody.... I leave that to the goon squad with their need to be blaming somebody in the site for something cos they can not deal with their own realities and lives.....

[darkeyes]

Gear isn't blaming anyone, Duckie.. he is saying that both are responsible... if blame there is, that blame lies with the societal norms which people are expected to abide by and the society of which they are a part which has been shaped by some very unhealthy attiftudes by the powerful and religious as a method of control aided and abetted by the duped intolerant masses.. historically, monogamy and heterosexuality and the shame we are expected to feel if we go outside of those societal norms.. they force many millions of people to hide what they are and feel ashamed or simply be to scared to go outwith those norms, whether it is throughout their lives or as their sexuality evolves at some time later, and so people all too often make the mistakes of not communicating early on because of those expectations and general acceptance of them for whatever reason. It is unsurprising that people do not communicate when still even now there are millions who condemn homosexuality, bisexuality and polyamory and fight tooth and nail to make their view prevail and continue to be the societal norm which encourages through fear and shame both silence and conformity..

If our societies were truly open and understanding, compassionate, tolerant and free, there is room for all views and all of the lifestyles we argue about here and more most likely... and if we were raised to discuss all aspects of sex and sexuality and human relations openly throughout our lives, then more would be true to themselves, bigotry would be so much less and people when they meet and are attracted, would through communication make far fewer mistakes when committing to some form of human relationship. There would still be misunderstandings, still some people would refuse to communicate, relationships would still fall apart as relationships evolve and people change who, what and how they are, for we all do change as we go through life...but at least from the outset people would have a more accurate idea what they are committing themselves to and maybe even a better chance to repair whatever the difficulties are within their relationships..

[Long Duck Dong]

fran , I am a early 40s male, not one of your students in a class....... so can you and the rest of the goon squad, go play the blame game with somebody that is not as tired of the hypocritical rants that get posted by you lot.....

I am more than well aware about society and social norms, I have helped change them in NZ for the LGBT, yet come to this site and had my relationship, partner, sexuality etc... all disected and rubbished by the goon squad, that like to put themselves out there as paragons of tolerance and acceptance.......and I reallly am not in the mood for a long winded diatribe from a mid 30s lesbian about social norms when I have lived with them for longer than you have been alive....

so are the goon squad going to let the OP have his thread back or is this thread going to be lost to another of the qoon squards insane infatuation with telling me that I am wrong in their eyes

[darkeyes]

:cutelaugh Age and experience, hey? Makes ya betta than we wee babbas... we know nowt.. that's ok don't mind u sayin that.. it's a view... but far as I can see.. only one person is playing the blame game.... and it isn't me...

[csrakate]

Excuse us, LDD....but we didn't take away this thread from the OP. YOU, on the other hand, came bursting in with your judgmental put downs of his marriage and his relationship. Like it or not, your initial post set the tone for most of the comments that have been in response to YOUR words.


let me get this right... you knew you were bi for 15 years,... with your partner for about 13.5 years, married to them for 7 years...... and they find out about your sexuality from emails.... but there are issues cos she went off the pill without telling you, you think that she is trying to throw a hail marry to save the marriage....... and you can hold up another female in her face while you are talking about divorce and how it should have not taken the threat of a attorney for your wife to open up and talk ???
.......I think its a shame that your wife never divorced you but stood by you


You may not like what has been said, but believe me, it has nothing to do with "infatuation" with proving you are wrong. This isn't about YOU, LDD! It was, instead, an attempt to lend support to an individual who found himself immediately shut down and cut down by a member of this site. Seriously, you are really very self centered if you think that the people who criticize your comments are looking for ways to discredit you. Maybe....just maybe they simply think you are being rude or full of shit....or both!

Sexuality aside, you still blamed the OP for the demise of his marriage. You chastised him for not supporting the sexual confusions of his wife...a wife who berated him about his sexuality over the years with name calling and threats. and a woman who is obviously grasping at straws to keep him from divorcing her. Like it or not, you blamed the bisexual for the downfall of his marriage by criticizing his behavior within the marriage. This is something you have done over and over with regards to spouses who have grappled with this issue.

By the way, this particular member of the so called "goon squad" is older than you and has had a bit more experience with a long lasting, communicative, honest and loving relationship of almost 33 years with a bisexual spouse so don't you dare talk down to me or refer to me as a member of a goon squad. Why don't you get back to me when you finally live in the same city, or should I say COUNTRY, with YOUR partner! The two of you haven't even begun to know what living day to day with another person is like. That's not negating your loving relationship so don't even start playing that tired old song of how I don't respect your relationship with your partner. I am simply stating that the two of you haven't faced life circumstances TOGETHER yet, 24/7 and 365 days a year. So until you have a few years actually living together under your belt, your being so critical of another person's relationship is laughable at best.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

To the original OP.
Do what you have to do for You, Hon. If the marriage is failed, and you arent happy, then the best thing to do is move on. Her getting pregnant isnt going to help the situation any, nor is doing it just to keep you. If you feel you must end it, then do what ya gotta do.
Good luck.
Cat

[tenni]

sorry kate, I do not resort to tenni tactics when it comes to relationships and marriages and assigning blame based around sexuality..
What ? I made one post 4 and made no reference to blaming either person. The second poster (LDD) inferred very strongly that the wife should have left him because of his behaviour as a bisexual.

I’m not positive but most of the other posts raised issues on both parties and after all post 2 set up this entire tone of blame..of the bisexual man.

[bigsbguy]

Just feeling the need to reply to many of you regarding this post. First and foremost, YOU are not in my situation, I have never judged your or commented on your faults. So if you choose to come after me and judge me, or this situation, I have two words for you.....Fuck Off! It's funny, we are all part of this board because we have one common interest. Those views are swayed, but at the end of the day, the foundation remains the same.

To clarify, I probably should have pushed my sexuality more on my wife, been honest with her on my feelings and what I enjoyed. Unfortunately, when Ingained the courage, she was already in a place of judgement. If reacts refer back to my original post, I am happy that she is exp,print her sexuality. Unfortunately I believe she is trying to be someone she really isn't, just to keep me around.

to answer those questions some might have. Yes I have cheated on her previously. Yes I have known for a long time that I am unhappy. Yes I wan not honest with her regarding my feelings, but this is a 50/50 situation and she should have also recognized and acknowledged that there were problems (we haven't had ex in almost 2 years).

I have found a partner who I can be totally honest with, and fulfills every part of me, so much that I do not have the desire to stray, and I wish that every moment could be holding her and spending time with her. I am fully committed to this new relationship, and hope thatbournfriends will see the passion we have for each other, and embrace us as one. I understand that I am not perfect, and I am currenty trying to make my wife understand that we are better apart than together. As of this evening she is still insistent on counceling and refusing to sign any papers.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok for a start, I am not sitting in judgement of you or blaming you, that is the claim and accusation of others, including one person that has been trolling me in the site for the last 4-5 years, hence my refering to the goon squad

while my original post may have appeared harsh, it was not intentional..... there is a underlying push in the site for acceptance of bisexuals and bisexuality, yet a constant flow of people that are coming to the site and posting about how they are not honest with their partners... and personally I do view being out as a bisexual as different to being honest with a partner... and as some people have posted, being honest with a partner, is different to seeking the option to explore your sexuality....

relationships and marriages are a two way street, and I do not buy into the idea that its one person to blame, tho the goon squad like to push the idea that I am blaming somebody for the end / failing of a relationship / marriage..... the simple truth is that most relationships / marriages fail cos of they are not going to work, its just one of those things.... some relationships and marriages are definitely not a match made in heaven...... and it doesn't make it anybodies fault when it fails....

you are correct that we are not in your situation, and that is why you are not being judged by me, my current partner is the partner that I want to spend the rest of my whole with, she completes me, so its something I understand.....I can actually see the difference in the way that you post in regards to your wife.. and your new partner, and I understand fully what you are saying... there is something in the energy that stands out to me and I can fully relate to the idea of the perfect partner.....
my partner and I met online and we have lived together for 3 months while she was here on holiday and we are working on making the move permanent.... so on that respect the goon squad need to fuck off and stop attacking my relationship and my partner

while I do question the fact that you never opened up to your wife, I also understand how anything and everything can be used as a weapon against you.... I have dealt with that in a past relationship and I also have to constantly deal with it from the goon squad in this site, something that many others have also had the misfortune of doing and what is most amusing about that, is a couple of them are non monogamous, single people that are quick to talk about how relationships should work and how people should act in relationships....... do as I say, not as I intend to live, lol.....

I wish you and your new partner and your soon to be ex wife, the best of luck with the future, I dare say that it may be a case that if you have not married, you may have never come to the point of finding the closest thing to nirvana that you have......

and once again, I was not intending my original post to be as harsh or as cold as it has appeared and nor was it a judgement of you as a bisexual male.... besides none of us are perfect, but it doesn't stop the good squad from trying to be, even tho they can not live up to the standards that they preach at others.....

[Gearbox]

while my original post may have appeared harsh, it was not intentional..... there is a underlying push in the site for acceptance of bisexuals and bisexuality, yet a constant flow of people that are coming to the site and posting about how they are not honest with their partners.
If I get you right - your first post was for appearances sake? You'd like there to be a push in the site to present bisexuals as honest and decent people who don't lie or cheat, and that the bisexual community should shun those who do to keep us 'clean'?


I've noticed that from some here, so your not alone if that's the case. Some read the words "I cheated" & "I wasn't honest" and feel they have carte blanche to judge, assign blame and give no support, compassion or understanding at all. They also feel like they can counter accuse, chastise, misrepresent, and disrespect those who DO give support etc to the 'undesirable posters'.
All for appearance's sake?


Maybe if we did ALL blank the cheaters and make out that bisexuals would rather cut off or sew up our genitals than cheat, us lovely 'non-cheaters' might get to hold our heads up high and not get automatically assumed to be a cheat when saying we are bi? Maybe those who view the site would get a nice warn feeling inside about us instead of fearing us?
THAT makes perfect sense and could be very handy in attracting the 'right types' IF you want to attract shallow judges. IMO I prefer to keep them visible, even though it makes me invisible to them.

The gay community isn't exactly pro-cheating but don't kid themselves that it doesn't go on, or care if people stigmatize their whole sexuality due it (as far as I can tell).
They most def do have compassion and support for married gays and will give non-judgmental advice to the closeted and open alike. I've never heard of any gays being slated for marrying the opposite gender without first coming out to them. They understand the difficulties and know how they don't need extra guilt laid on them.
That would be a good thing for bi's to adopt IMO



It's funny, we are all part of this board because we have one common interest. Those views are swayed, but at the end of the day, the foundation remains the same.

Yes you are right! If we want to be judged we can get that easy enough most places. But that's not what people come here for.

[Long Duck Dong]

the whole push to have the site present bisexuals as clean etc ?? roflmao.... NO... as I have repeatedly said, I have no interest into turning bisexuals or the site into anything other than what drew made it..... if you want to look at making the site into anything, just look at your offsider who has a extensive history of trying to turn bisexual.com into his vision of what the bisexual community should be about....


you want to talk about judgement...I have 20 years of sexual experience with males and females, the ability to love and be in a relationship with males and females and I perfer the company of more than just males and females... and the fact that I also ID as asexual natured, means that I am not allowed to refer to myself as bisexual and I have been told that I should not be speaking for bisexuals in the site as I am not bisexual as decided by tenni... and the constant implications that I am trying to create the bisexual community into my image of a nirvana, is utter fucking bs... as I have posted that I would not wish my existance on anybody else cos of the bs I have to deal with in this site......

you can do what you want with the cheaters... as I have posted, its not my relationships or my marriages that end up messed up because of the lies and deceit.... and I feel sorry for any partner that finds that a large part of their marriage has been to a * stranger *, but that goes for any person in a marriage that lives a lie or feels forced to live a lie and that covers more aspects than just sexuality.....

I will embrace any person regardless of sexuality or relationship type ( poly or monogamous ) and I have done so.... I am not the person that has run other members of the site by hounding them in pms and in the forums until they left in tears... I am not the person that told some bisexual females that they should not be here unless they are here to hook up with a bisexual male.... I am not the person that created a set of posting rules for a female that included the rule that she may not post within 24 hours after a bisexual had posted and she was not allowed to be the first poster in a thread, she needed to let a bisexual post first.... I am not the person that has constantly hounded a person thru the forums, tearing them down at every turn because even tho they have 20 years of sexual interaction with both genders ( and more ) a interest, desire and love for both genders ( and more ) they should not refer to themselves as bisexual or be posting in the forums in a bisexual site.... the list goes on.....

seriously, you want to talk about judgments and trying to mold bisexuals into a set * image *... you are talking to the wrong person cos I am not the one that is constantly trying to make the site into his vision of how bisexuals should be non monogamous and single and exclusive of all other sexualities when it comes to communities, events and gatherings....... and nor do I fucking want to live in a world like that either, cos it would be that too many of my friends and members of this site, would be forced to conform to a bisexual * norm and image * or hide in the closet from the bisexual community police......

people cheat, no body is perfect.... and I do not expect anybody to be perfect or change... but nor am I going to make excuses for who I am, or change to conform to the image of somebody else in the site and that includes the goon squad....

[tenni]

If a man meets a married woman on the internet and chats with her a bit, is that cheating?
If the man continues chatting on the internet and they "talk" daily while she is still living with her husband, is that cheating?
If while one of them is still married to another person they become an internet "couple" by doing a pseudo "Second Life" marriage ceremony, is that cheating?

Or is it well...life can get complicated?

[Long Duck Dong]

If a man meets a married woman on the internet and chats with her a bit, is that cheating?
If the man continues chatting on the internet and they "talk" daily while she is still living with her husband, is that cheating?
If while one of them is still married to another person they become an internet "couple" by doing a pseudo "Second Life" marriage ceremony, is that cheating?

Or is it well...life can get complicated?


that depends.... ask the people in the chat room or on the forums if they are cheating because they say hi to a person.....
if they continue to talk, it may be because they enjoy talking.......
if they get married in a second life style marriage ceremony, it depends on the situation.....

in the case of my partner and I, I was a admin in a online game, DD was a player... we talked as I did with many players in my role as game admin...... so no I would hardly consider that cheating, it was a legitimate role in a game and its how I first met DD....

when DD became chat staff, I was her *boss* and so I spent a lot of time in the chat room with her and her husband before real life issues resulted in him being unable to attend the chat room... but DD and I were in constant contact in my role as game admin and her role and chat staff.......

the in game marriage was because the game allowed for players to marry for benefits in game, and so I married DD, I also later married my boss in game who was a homophobe and a male... but for the most part I was single in the game.....


I am mildly amused at how a set of questions about cheating just so *accidentally * happen to more than vaguely resemble aspects of my own personal relationship........but there is so many people in the site that have met their partners online and married in a second lifestyle marriage, while the husband was around, that there is no way that it could be yet another go at me and my partner..........

snorts.... the goon squad strike again

[tenni]

Interesting personalized interpretation and extrapolation.

So, it is possible that specific scenarios may be complicated. One size does not fit all type of approach? Emotional cheating is more complex than sexual physical cheating. It is even possible to have multi internet marriages at the same time in a psuedo gaming world? (as long as it is for points?) As long as it is within a pseudo game fantasy world cheating is acceptable to some. Emotional attachment to real time married people in a fantasy world is permissible. Personal interacting in real time in these fantasy worlds is acceptable even if you are married in the real world. The line between reality and fantasy is blurred and makes it more complicated. This is not emotional cheating. This is not rationalizing cheating behaviour.

A bisexual man physically sexually cheating with same sex partners is real cheating. Internet cheating and even internet bigamy is just fantasy and acceptable.

Its more complicated than sexually cheating in person.

[cherry88]

If a man meets a married woman on the internet and chats with her a bit, is that cheating?

depends on whats been agreed on between the people involved.



If the man continues chatting on the internet and they "talk" daily while she is still living with her husband, is that cheating?

that depends what has been agreed on between the people involved.


If while one of them is still married to another person they become an internet "couple" by doing a pseudo "Second Life" marriage ceremony, is that cheating?

Or is it well...life can get complicated?

sometimes peopel really just over think stuff..... i like this simple rule: if whatever you are doing is something you couldnt do with your partner in the room, with their full knowlege, then thats something you should think carefully before doing.. or, probably something you need to inform them about. -whatever- it is.

very, simple. really no need to overthink it. peopel have a conscience and your conscience will -tell- you when what you are doing isnt kosher. peopel jsut need to listeln to that voice a little more.. instead they try to make it all complicated because of trying to rationalize doing what they 'want' rahter than doing what they know is fair.... pretty simple.

if you are at work and steal stuff from the office supply, would you do that with the boss watching? nope? than you can probly assume its considered against the rules of the work place.

if you are playing chess and your partner takes a break, do you move your pieces while hes gone and dont say anything? no you dont becuase, that is cheating. that is acting against the established rules of the game, which you are both trying to enjoy together in a fair manner. its unfair to your partner and unfair to yourself and renders playing the game pretty pointless.

everyone is going to draw those lines of whats acceptable or not acceptable in different places... however if there is another human being involved who is operating and making life decisions under a set of beliefs about you that are -not- correct, then that is 'cheating'. if what you are doing cant be done with them in the room, likely thats something that probably isnt gonna be kosher in that relationship between those two individuals.

[jamieknyc]

depends on whats been agreed on between the people involved.




that depends what has been agreed on between the people involved.



sometimes peopel really just over think stuff..... i like this simple rule: if whatever you are doing is something you couldnt do with your partner in the room, with their full knowlege, then thats something you should think carefully before doing.. or, probably something you need to inform them about. -whatever- it is.

very, simple. really no need to overthink it. peopel have a conscience and your conscience will -tell- you when what you are doing isnt kosher. peopel jsut need to listeln to that voice a little more.. instead they try to make it all complicated because of trying to rationalize doing what they 'want' rahter than doing what they know is fair.... pretty simple.


You need to limit it to what it is reasonable for someone's partner to object to. Some people fly into a rage if they see their spouse or SO even talking to another person.

[cherry88]

You need to limit it to what it is reasonable for someone's partner to object to. Some people fly into a rage if they see their spouse or SO even talking to another person.

ok well, but i mean whats reasonable or not is kind of dependent on the people involved cause everyone has their own reasons for what they find 'reasonable' thats what im tryign to say...... i know what you mean about people who are super jealous and yeah i hate those kind of people....... but those kind of people generally arent really into changing how they operate, just because someone else -thinks- what they think isnt reasonable.........

unless they are willing to do a lot of difficult self work, which most of those people are not. if someones partner is one of those 'fly into a rage over nothing' types.. and i know the type you mean.. then really i think the only cure for that, is to be with someone who isnt like that. //

i think its inherently unreasonable to start a relationshiph with someone like that, and then expect them to change... just like people who think that talking/flirting/kissing others etc is ok, are very unlikely to change -their- belief, just because their partner thinks its 'unreasonable'.. ultimately you have to choose partners who are not going to have those kinds of attitudes... you cant really change other people or their value systems ultimately, just becuase you think you are more 'reasonable' than they are.. yeah i think a lot of peopel have soem stupid, fucked up beliefs but me just saying they are unreasonable, is very unlikely to change those beliefs so i jsut stay away from those kinds of people......

[jamieknyc]

ok well, but i mean whats reasonable or not is kind of dependent on the people involved cause everyone has their own reasons for what they find 'reasonable' thats what im tryign to say...... i know what you mean about people who are super jealous and yeah i hate those kind of people....... but those kind of people generally arent really into changing how they operate, just because someone else -thinks- what they think isnt reasonable.........

unless they are willing to do a lot of difficult self work, which most of those people are not. if someones partner is one of those 'fly into a rage over nothing' types.. and i know the type you mean.. then really i think the only cure for that, is to be with someone who isnt like that. //

i think its inherently unreasonable to start a relationshiph with someone like that, and then expect them to change... just like people who think that talking/flirting/kissing others etc is ok, are very unlikely to change -their- belief, just because their partner thinks its 'unreasonable'.. ultimately you have to choose partners who are not going to have those kinds of attitudes... you cant really change other people or their value systems ultimately, just becuase you think you are more 'reasonable' than they are.. yeah i think a lot of peopel have soem stupid, fucked up beliefs but me just saying they are unreasonable, is very unlikely to change those beliefs so i jsut stay away from those kinds of people......
I should not have used the term 'reasonable' without further explanation, since I am a lawyer and 'reasonable' has a distinct meaning as far as the law is concerned. In the law, 'reasonable' means something that is objectively offensive to a person of normal standards, and excludes people with extreme views.

[bigsbguy]

Just to update everyone. I did move through with filing for divorce. The Future ex wife'S (FEW) family decided to contact my parents and inform them of the situation without having the courtesy for me to inform them myself. My family has not only been supportive of the divorce, but also about the new woman that I have met, and have had the affair with. While this is not the ideal situation, we are making it work, and we are in love. While returning from a business trip 6 weeks ago, I was informed when I landed that the FEW had placed a restraining order on me. Her allegations were: In 2012 I spanked her repeatedly in the bedroom, in 2009 I grabbed her and threw her to the floor, and in 2007 I raped her. I never did ANY of those things and am deeply saddened that she stooped to this level.

[Gearbox]

Just to update everyone. I did move through with filing for divorce. The Future ex wife'S (FEW) family decided to contact my parents and inform them of the situation without having the courtesy for me to inform them myself. My family has not only been supportive of the divorce, but also about the new woman that I have met, and have had the affair with. While this is not the ideal situation, we are making it work, and we are in love. While returning from a business trip 6 weeks ago, I was informed when I landed that the FEW had placed a restraining order on me. Her allegations were: In 2012 I spanked her repeatedly in the bedroom, in 2009 I grabbed her and threw her to the floor, and in 2007 I raped her. I never did ANY of those things and am deeply saddened that she stooped to this level.
What?:eek: A wife making false allegations during a divorce procedure? I've never heard of THAT before.:rolleyes:

I hope she and her fam loose the unnecessary bitterness eventually. Am very glad the outing of you backfired too. Just be happy!:)