Help...

[Iowason]

I think this topic has been posted before but I couldn't find it, so please bear with me:

I recently reconnected with an old friend and we have started rekindling a relationship from many years ago. I was completely honest about being bi. She has asked me more than once if I could be 'happy' in a monogamous relationship. I have told her that if and when I commit to her, it would be just that, a commitment. I would like some input on this topic from happily married or even unhappily married bi guys and their partners.

I don't know if it was accurate but I compared it to going to Mexico on vacation. I loved to go and love to go again but I would live a happy fulfilled life if I never got to go again...

[Realist]

There's a bisexual member, here, who has been married for 35 years, without ever touching another male, or cheating.

I, too, have been married, but did not succumb to temptations. Being in love and having a great sex life, I had no problems remaining monogamous.

To be honest, I was married to another woman and did cheat. Not proud of it and there's no excuse for what I did, but I wasn't happy, nor did I ever really love her.

There are others on this site who remained monogamous, too. Maybe some of them will reply.

Good luck with your relationship!

[Gearbox]

You can be told if it is possible for you to be monogamous with your gf for ever and ever. But nobody can tell you if you'll be happy or not!
Start off on the right foot and explain how you feel about it to your gf.

[jem_is_bi]

If I had married my first love. I might have been able to be "Her and only Her man".
But, I am not sure about that.
After that, there is no way that I could have not have a male lover at some time in my life.

[bradf52]

The way you explained it, I don't think you are really bi. As you compared it to going to Mexico for a vacation then you are not really bi in my estimation. I would in your case put the relationship on the side for a while until you can decide for sure one way or the other. You didn't say if you are actively bi or not? Or maybe in a lull at the moment? I think it would be a mistake committing to a relationship until you work this out with yourself and don't do/say something you may regret sometime in the future!

[D1srupt1on]

I think thats a fine analogy if thats how you really feel. If you're really into her just see where it goes and be honest about how you're feeling.

[Iowason]

The way you explained it, I don't think you are really bi. As you compared it to going to Mexico for a vacation then you are not really bi in my estimation. I would in your case put the relationship on the side for a while until you can decide for sure one way or the other. You didn't say if you are actively bi or not? Or maybe in a lull at the moment? I think it would be a mistake committing to a relationship until you work this out with yourself and don't do/say something you may regret sometime in the future!

Thanks for the input, Brad and everyone else so far...
I have known I was bi since my teen years but didn't act on it much until the last several years. I was actively bi until a few months ago and have enjoyed myself for the most part. I was married until June of last year to someone else. I enjoyed being single for awhile but something was missing. The person I am reconnecting with has been a dear friend since school age. I have told her I wouldn't make a commitment to her if I wasn't sure I was committed to her and the relationship.

I have seen posts on here from people saying that being 'bi' was more of a state of mind than what they did actively. I believe I will always be bi in my mind, no matter if I act on it or not... saying that, I also believe I can be happy in a monogamous relationship with the opposite sex!

[Gearbox]

I believe I will always be bi in my mind, no matter if I act on it or not... saying that, I also believe I can be happy in a monogamous relationship with the opposite sex!
That's a bit of a major realization you've had over a 12hr & 12min period that will effect potentially the rest of your life.:eek:
What convinced you?

[hasty1]

I believe his original post was saying the same thing gearbox. I think he's looking for some kind of insight of what he might experience as a result of making this choice. As you said earlier no one can say what it will mean for him and his relationship, but thinking about it in advance and information gathering does increase his chances of doing the right thing for him and his relationship.

Iowason - I think I get your stance on your own bisexuality, it seems to me that you have explored fully and felt free to do do. I think my partner might put his bisexuality in a similar 'category' but I'm only surmising from conversations that we've had and understanding where we are at at the moment. He doesn't seem to be tormented by not having sex with men at the moment, and we're currently monogamous which is his choice but do plan to have bisexual threesomes in the future. That's just us, and where we're at at the moment, but it did take me quite some time to get what he was telling me about how his bisexuality affected him. You seem to have a long standing friendship with this lady, and have been completely open and honest with her, and she's also been honest enough back to indicate that she would be looking for a monogamous relationship. You don't say what your own views on monogamy are, whether it seems a natural and healthy thing for you, although you seem to be prepared to commit to it. From looking around this and other sites it would seem that to be bisexual in a monogamous relationship is possible, but I believe it depends on the individuals concerned. I think it bears to mention the fluid nature of bisexuality and that where your libido is focusing isn't always a fixed thing (but I guess you already know that, don't mean to teach you to suck eggs!) One thing I will mention from experience is that the more committed and in love with my partner I felt the greater the unease was about what he would do about being bi. I was conflicted between not wanting him to deny part of himself and fear of losing him, or any part of what we had. It's something I've had to work through by talking to him endlessly. When we first met him being bi was quite sexy and simply a part of him as a whole, the more I committed to him, and vice versa, the dynamic changed, probably because I had a whole lot more to lose. I think what I'm trying to say is that the future is unknown, this is only one aspect of being in a relationship and unexpected things might come into play that change your or her feelings, what you can always do though is what you're doing now, which is being open and honest and I think that this bodes well for your relationship should you decide to commit. Good luck.

[tenni]

Well thought out idea Hasty

The fear of losing once you invest emotionally to a relationship can be threatening. There is no way to predict the future regardless of your sexuality. I agree that bisexuals give a slightly different challenge and monosexuals particularly find it hard to comprehend some bisexuals ability to be sexual with more than one and still love one...even love more than one person/gender. The issues of possessiveness and fear of loss are complex.

I've read and thought about your question Lowason. You are a mature man and hopefully have been aware of the type of bisexual that you are. It might be wise to discuss in more detail with the friend as to her needs and whether she would fear losing you should you need to be sexually with a man in the future. I wouldn't completely close the door but you know yourself the best.