Looking for advice

[R. R. Wayne]

I am tired of sneaking around my wife's back for male sex. Our hetero-sex life has dwindled to once every 3 to 4 months. I need and want more. There are two approaches I can take. The one I am leaning toward is to tell my wife of 1 years that I have always been interested in having sex with guys, and I wonder how she would feel about that. Of course this would only be discussed if she tells me that she it not interested in having sex with me any more. The other approach is to tell her that I have been bi all of my life and suppressed it in our marriage because the sex was so frequent and so hot at the outset, but has now dwindled to the point where I am close to giving in to temptation. This latter approach has more risk because she could turn on me and use it as a weapon with my family. While I don't think she will do this, she might. She has a bit of a vindictive streak. And, I do not want my children to know their father is gay. I would especially appreciate hearing from women. Thank you.

[fredtyg]

It seems to me your two approaches both have the same drawback since both confess to her you are bisexual, albeit using different wording. One, for instance, saying you're interested in trying sex with guys. The other saying you've been bi your whole life. You're saying pretty much the same thing in the end. At least that's probably how she'll hear it.

I brought up the same issue with my wife some years ago, although she already knew I was queer. She made it clear she wasn't interested in sex anymore. I asked her if she cared if I had a boyfriend. She replied if I wanted to go that route we should just get divorced.

That's probably one of the better outcomes married couples have when this subject is brought up from what I've heard, although you could be surprised.

For whatever it's worth, I'm not so sure the wifey still feels that way, but can't say for sure as I'm not sure how to broach the subject again, or even if I should.

Good luck, but seems to me you're going to have to tell her you're bisexual, one way or the other, if you want to be out in the open about this.

[elian]

You might suggest that you would like to play in the bedroom more often. Between the two choices I don't see any point in telling her that you've ALWAYS been bi unless you think she will understand WHY you wouldn't disclose that information earlier.

If you are consistently aroused by women then you aren't gay.

[Hypersexual11]

If you are having sex that often, then what can she expect? Why so little? Is there a medical reason she doesnt want sex? When my wife gained 30 lbs and sex with her got kinda gross, I stopped having sex with her and started having sex with a married couple. When she found out, she dieted, got in shape and got our sex lives back on track, and allows mmf sex whenever I want. But that is a wife that really wants to make a marriage work. If your wife can't complete the basic function of having regular sex with her husband, she is asking him to step out. Even if you are tired of going behind her back, if she won't be supportive, then you really only have one option. To continue what you are doing or risk having your life change drastically.

[terri]

Did I read it correctly, that you have been married for only 1 year. If that is the case, then I suggest you need to talk a lot more about your relationship . and talk to her.... it doesn't have to include anything about your bisexual side.

[R. R. Wayne]

I am tired of sneaking around my wife's back for male sex. Our hetero-sex life has dwindled to once every 3 to 4 months. I need and want more. There are two approaches I can take. The one I am leaning toward is to tell my wife of 1 years that I have always been interested in having sex with guys, and I wonder how she would feel about that. Of course this would only be discussed if she tells me that she it not interested in having sex with me any more. The other approach is to tell her that I have been bi all of my life and suppressed it in our marriage because the sex was so frequent and so hot at the outset, but has now dwindled to the point where I am close to giving in to temptation. This latter approach has more risk because she could turn on me and use it as a weapon with my family. While I don't think she will do this, she might. She has a bit of a vindictive streak. And, I do not want my children to know their father is gay. I would especially appreciate hearing from women. Thank you.

OOPS. We have been married 16 years.

[CurEUs_Male]

First and foremost, as Terri pointed out, if you have been married only a year, you have some serious communication work to get started ASAP.

When you do have a solid communication base, you should be sharing your sexuality with your spouse. This is the healthy thing to do for all. I did it when I discovered an interest in my 40's, and over time, without acting on it things went Bradley because we did not communicate. Worse, my wife found negative groups that had a misunderstanding of my interests. She was sure I no longer liked women, or her, and eventually marriage would end. Nothing could be further from my mind!
Bi != Gay.

over several other issues, and a lot of searching, I found some solid support groups that are truly supportive of MARRIED people, truthful about their interests, and supporting the idea of keeping everyone together. Does it always work out? No. Will you be more likely to be successful if you are hones and have a solid support group behind you? Absolutely.

So get started on plane and simple couples communication. Build up a trusting relationship where both of you can speak freely without the fear of retaliation.
I
can share some support options off line if you would like.

Al

[tenni]

In this sad world with those judging bisexual men who struggle with how to live their lives, I hope you do not succumb to being shamed when someone uses the monosexual bitchy preachy gay queen philosophy against you. You may want to reflect on what you really want a bit more though.

I think that if you perceive yourself to be gay (6 in your profile), there may be reasons why you are not having sex with her more than every three or four months. She may be picking up a vibe from you that you are not aware that you are sending(could be wrong though) You seem to be wanting to disclose to her. It may be just a matter of how.(therefore your request to hear from women).

What do you really want? Do you think that your sexual interest in men will really disappear if your wife is willing to have more sex? Are you ready to stop having sex with other men if she does increase the sex? Are you going to ask her why she is no longer interested in sex with you and ask if there is something that you can do to help her be interested again?

Good fortune no matter which approach you use. You seem ready to disclose and be honest with your wife.

[DuckiesDarling]

RR, from a woman's point of view. You need to talk to your wife but first about the lack of sex. If she is unwilling to find out what is going on there then disclose you have an interest in sex outside the marriage. Go slow. If she is as vindictive as you indicate anything will be a weapon. I wish you luck.

[onewhocares]

RR, from a woman's point of view. You need to talk to your wife but first about the lack of sex. If she is unwilling to find out what is going on there then disclose you have an interest in sex outside the marriage. Go slow. If she is as vindictive as you indicate anything will be a weapon. I wish you luck.

I agree with DD. I wondered if married a year why no sex, but that was a typo. I think there has to be some serious discussion between partners if one partner wants sex more often that the other. Talk about it and see if a solution can be reached. If not, well, I think you may need to find pleasure elsewhere....be the partner a male or female. As the wife of a gay/bi man, I personally never would mind if he had sex with another man, but would be concerned if it were a woman.

Belle in Boston