My story

[wkdblue]

Hmm where to start? I'm not normally one for this but seeing as I've pretty much accepted the fact I'm bisexual I'd thought I'd get somethings out in the open. Before the age of 13?14 I'd never thought about my sexuality but when I went to high schoolI began to be bullied by who I thought were 'friends', they brought up an incident that happened a year or so before when our class from primary school went away for a week, the incident was pretty minor and involved a relatively new lad jumping on the back of another lad in the communal showers when someone jokingly turned the lights off. Like I said it was relatively minor when you look at it and not particularly a gay act! This new lad was not with us for long and dissapeared soon after, I was originally going to a different high school than most of the the people I knew due to it being better, however at the las minute I changed my mind nad decided to go with my 'friends', how I wish I hadn't as it would be interesting to see how much of a different person I would be now attitude wise. Well at high school I was labelled by a couple of people as being this gay lad who jumped on lads backs... I tried to explain and defend myself but it was to no avail. I don't know why they decided to say it was me I don't think I'll ever understand it. This carried on for 2 years and as a young lad took its toll on me! Its one of the main reasons I think I became a solitary soul during my younger years. I eventually moved schools and area and it felt like the best thing ever, however the damage had already been done and as I said earlier this led to me becoming less outgoing and solitary, I guess it's what also made me start to question my sexuality although I always denied it to myself even up 12 months ago. Unfortunately my family made the decision to move back to the area where I was bullied, fortunately I went to a different high school and really enjoyed my time there, getting good grades and reports. I was labelled as quiet but again I put this down to my earlier experiences. I never trusted anyone fully and was always on edge in case I came across somebody I new from my first high school, it also made me extremely paranoid over homosexual comments that were made thinking they might be aimed at me! I know this all sounds stupid but it kinda messed my head up, it also caused me to have pretty big fall outs with my mom, I'm sure she didn't understand at the time although I do remember admitting that I was being bullied and the reasons for it, to which she asked if I was gay and that it was alright if I was. I said I wasn't, at the time it was all I could say as my head was messed up. Well I continued to have fall outs and my attitude did take a turn for the worse, I became quite a moody bastard to be honest. School went quite well and I got relatively good GCSE's. I decide to do sixth form college but this lasted for a very short time as I then decide to enter the military, my main reason at the time was to impress my family and especially my father, both bad reasons looking back on it. Joining was easy enough although when it came to my mum & dad dropping me off I was quite emotional, it was however a big moment in my life, stepping out on my own.The first 2 weeks were pretty good, I made some m8's but then I was 'fast tracked' and placed with another group in training who were further ahead in training. I knew no one in this group and quickly became paranoid, again of comments, eventually I decided to leave, my dad was obviously not impressed especially since he was ex military but I didn't care at the time, I just had to get out!I spent a little time in two shit jobs and then ended up working for Burgerking on the motorway services, I reached the grand old heights of supervisor, anyways I was in that job for 4 years, the first 3 were pretty good mostly because of the people I worked with. This was the time when I came out of my shell a little (age 17-21) I started to go to bars and began getting into clubbing... it was a really good time in my life! I was still however fighting with my sexuality at this time, I had a couple of girls interested in me, I showed interest back but was quite a shy guyu at the time. Regards my sexuality issues there was a unique time I remember, I was out clubbing and had a little too much to drink and getting both angry and upset, no I didn't hit anyone! There was a guy in the club from work who was openly gay and a genuinely nice guy, I ended up talking talking to him and telling him a few things , I was still chatting to him by the time the club closed, we caught a taxi back as we lived clsoe to each other, suffice to say I eneded up staying at his overnight, no nothign MAJOR happened and I enjoyed just being next to him, however it did send me funny for a weekend, I suppose it made me revaluate things and I needewd time to get my head together so I didn't turn into work for 2 days adnd didn't conatct anyone. Suffice to say I had some explaining to do, I met with my boss and his girlfriend in town (the oddest couple in the world, to meet him you'd think he was gay and she was a lesbian when she first arrived! you couldn't make it up!) Well anyway's I basically admitted what happened and that I had needed time to sort my head out. Basically I got a warning and that was it. In my fourth and final year at Burgerking people began to leave (students) and the place changed, the atmosphere was not the same. Originally I was going to join the police force and even had all the documentation to fill in, whilst walking through town I noticed the Armed Forces Careers office and decide to rejoin as I knew exactly waht to expect and this time I would be joining for better reasons. I enjoyed basic training and made some m8's, I went through phase 2 training as a vehicle mechanic, got halfway through the course and decided to change to the job I do now. During my time in the army I have wrestled with my sexuality constantly althoguh I did put it to the back of my mind during basic training due to having so much going on. I began to accept my sexuality around two years ago but hvae had times of denial. It is only now I have pretty much accepted who I am. I don't want to be normal (what is normal anyway?)I just want to be me, to be accepted for who I am and what I am and not judged unfairly.My only outlet for this side of my life has been the internet, I'm hoping this changes and I can have friend s knowing this side of my life. Nobody in the armed forces knows this side of me exists and unfortunately, even though sexuality is no longer supposed to matter, thi isn't going to change any time soon. Especially with the usual comments I hearevery single day, the forces are still quite full of homophobes, racists and bigots, if only the papers knew! :bigrin: Plus I'm also unsure of the reaction I may face.I have at various times in my life had the idea of suicide pop up which I know is ad but my had was messed up and there times when I didn't know what to do! I used to be very careful about concealing my identity on the net, although this has changed recently mostly due to my acceptance, I have also got to know a couple of friendly faces! I have full respect for the people who are honest about who they are and wish i had some of that strength earlier in my life!
So who knows about this side of my life? Only a few people on line, however that may be about to change as I'm clsoe to being honest with my mom..... how will she take it? I don't know, I imagine better than my father would, although he won't be getting to know anytime soon! I have the utmost respect for my mom, she's done a lot for me and I have been a moody bastard a lot of times but hopefiully this will go a little way to explaining some of that. Rgiht now my priorities are to make some friends who know and accept this other side of me, it would also be nice to experience the ohter 'scene' i.e socialising, bars, clubs as I'm bored of the straight one!. But mainly I'm after m8's who I can be myself around ....... and that's me, apologies for spelling mistakes and punctuation! It was a little long winded but is just a little of me that I wanted to let out! I fyou have any comments or questions let me know! Any advice on how to deal with admitting something like this to aparent would be much appreciated!
Can someone let me know why there is noithing availiable on the net for the bisexual community unlike the staright and gay community? It's really frustrating! :rolleyes:

[rayosytruenos]

[...]I've pretty much accepted the fact I'm bisexual [...] when I went to high schoolI began to be bullied by who I thought were 'friends' [...] decide to enter the military, [...] it was however a big moment in my life, stepping out on my own. [...] I spent a little time in two shit jobs and then ended up working for Burgerking [...] There was a guy in the club from work who was openly gay and a genuinely nice guy, I ended up [...] staying at his overnight [...] During my time in the army I have wrestled with my sexuality constantly [...] I began to accept my sexuality around two years ago [...] Rgiht now my priorities are to make some friends who know and accept this other side of me [...]

Hi!

Wow!!! I think it would have been easier to read ;) if you would have put the whole text into some paragraphs, but nevertheless I found the reading quite compelling, maybe because in some ways it brought me memories of my own and some of my friends' pasts.

It's quite interesting to see how what for others it's such an insignificant happening, for others can be a turning point, or a head messing up event. I had my own share of events during my childhood, that for others, it seems that they have overcome them, or seen them as something natural and normal, while for me they have made my life a battle field (inside myself and) outside against the world for letting those things happen.

I don't really want to get into details, as still I'm suffering from what I think are the consequences of such happenings, but let's just say that they are mostly related to verbal and physical abuse. In different degrees and in different fields. (I hope that's enough to make you have an idea of what I'm speaking about).

Not sure what you meant when you spoke of a minor incident about a guy jumping on somebody else's back... Just sort of leap frog or humping each other? Anyway, that shows how cruel kids can be. I've always thought that bullies are people that they have a lot of their own problems not sorted out and that maybe it's a way to call for attention or their way to deal with their anger and frustration.

New kids or kids coming from other schools, backgrounds, races, and in general, anything that can make them stand out as somewhat "different" are the main targets for bullies, jokes and discrimination and abuse at schools.

I find sad to pick on someone for whatever reason, but I find it even sadder if that reason is not true. I guess that maybe your change of schools could have made you a candidate for being picked on. Even if that wasn't the reason, kids can pick on anything to make another kid's life miserable. Actually it seems that your bullying already started before changing schools.

The other part that really got my interest again was when you spoke about your gay colleague from work. You again said that nothing major happened. What do you mean? No kisses, no groping, no getting naked, no sex? To me, it seems that something major DID happen, as it made you disappear for 2 days.

I agree that the military is not the best environment for bisexuals and gays, and I'm not saying that we are not capable of doing the same with the same courage, determination, efficiency as straight guys, but that even if they say that there is no discrimination and that is accepted in more and more places now, still you can hear, see, or found those back-stabbing comments, jokes, and insults... Hey! Not only there, also in your job environment... Still you turn your back and that also happens. I laugh at those laws protecting us... I've seen many "laws in action"... They cannot discriminate you for this or that, but you suffer from it, but then they say that it's not true, or that the reason for not being promoted, accepted in a job, etc. was quite different, when you know (even being able to prove it sometimes) that you indeed have been discriminated but you have no means to prove it, or if you have, you could harm people that have given you proof of such discrimination... Oh, what a beautiful world!

Hmmm... it seems that you really brought me quite a few memories... :rolleyes: So I better stop here.

I just want to say that I hope you accept yourself... It's the most important thing!!! If you don't love yourself, how can anybody love you? You need to accept yourself (and I DO KNOW THAT IT'S NOT EASY BY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE!!!) but I really think it's the only way.

We are this way, it's not something that we have chosen. So the best thing is to accept ourselves as we are and start our life from there.

I wish you all the best of luck in this your journey of auto-discovery!

ray :male:

[wkdblue]

:) Cheers for the reply and apologies for not splitting it into paragraphs, I only had a limited amount of time on the net! And I can't seem to edit the damn thing now!
Anyways I know it was long winded but it was something I wanted to get out in the open whichever way I could.
It's kinda weird at the moment I plan on being honest with my mom this Friday and for the past week or so have had days where I've been quite happy and content in myself having accepted who I am but then I have the odd moment of confusion and feeling unsure if I should say something, god lifes confusing! :tongue:
Again sorry for lack of paragraphs in main bit!

[Herbwoman39]

You are SO lucky that you discovered your bisexuality at such a young age. Yes, you've had some really hard times because of your discovery but you're still so young that you're getting the hard part out of the way early.

I'm only part-way out of the closet and I'm turning 40 in January. I've been out to myself, my husband and my sons about as long as you have. Thing is though, I had already been married going on 7 years when I discovered that I'm bisexual. YOU get to go out and explore that part of yourself. For me, that would be infidelity :(

Lucky guy


:bigrin:

[OralBiGuy]

Greetings and cheers WKDBLUE. Oh yes, welcome!

Reading your story, captivated me. It was almost like a wee snippet out of my own life, seriously.

If you only knew the real parallels.

Me? I was so damn confused about my sexuality. I was bullied constantly in Junior high school (Grades 7-9). You can guess with what type of comments. Yessiree....'gay, faggot, cocksucker' and the list goes on. Odd thing was, as much as I truly had feelings for guys, I did too for women, only I was such an odd sock at school, the girls found me probably too geeky and reclusive to be interesting.

My family were military here in Canada. I grew-up in a family of all boys. So the battles on the field, were nothing compared to the 'who is going to die at home today' with my brothers. We beat the piss outta each other, 24/7. It's funny now, when we all look back at our madness. Anyways, that's besides the point.

It was weird for me WKDBLUE, as I honestly thought that I had a 'look' or 'talked' a certain way that made me think: Ray is Gay! Seriously! I shit you not. I somehow thought I was destined to be: gay. How frustrating!

Back then as a teenager, I loved stealing my dads porno mags. Yeah, I liked them. Totally!! But I also found myself, oddly enough, turned on by the men in the pictures. But to me, it was more complete with both the male-female present. But...back in those days (mid to late 1970s) and living in a very rural community in Atlantic Canada, it sucked.

Many issues in my head. I turned to fundamentalist religion thinking it'd fix my head. FUCK NO! Made me more crazed and self-loathing. I was eventually engaged to a very supportive woman, but I got cold feet and cancelled the engagement. Looking back, I'm sure she would have been supportive of me (read Zarine's posts on here).

I too had those nasty bastard moments. Moody prick I was. Angry! All the time, but never giving anyone a reason why. I fucked people over, yes...good people too (gay/bi/straight). They were comfortable with themselves, but I was not with myself. Geez...haven't we seen this scenario play itself out a million and one times, eh?

WKDBLUE: I do appreciate where you are coming from. I wish to hell I had not wasted so much precious time, wasting time!! You have youth on your side. And yes, the internet is a real safe haven for those of us, seeking community and acceptance. It's marvellous!

Anyways, had I simply stopped thinking in terms of black & white, I could have found myself happier as an 'out' BI-Male. But I was having all my sex with men for 20 years. Was I happy? No. Something was and is, missing. Women! I fantasized while having sex with men, that I was having sex with women, or that a woman was in the mix. Says plenty huh...after all these years. Grrr!

Seriously. It caused me much frustration and unnecessary grief, to deny this aspect of myself. I'm only recently making myself available to members of the opposite sex and not denying where I've come from either. I don't like surprises and lies, so why impose that on someone else?

Thanks for sharing. Hahaha...don't worry about the paragraphing...your post was so damn interesting, I didn't care about the formatting. It was pure and from the heart. The best kind of sharing.

Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of follow-ups. Looks like you've found a good lot here. I don't know any of the members here...yet, but so far they've all been welcoming and have offered up some damn fine suggestions.

Enjoy yourself, and take things at your own pace. I just wish I had done things much earlier than I have. I'm 43 now. It's never too late. I'm discovering that now.

Best wishes WKDBLUE.

Time to enjoy yourself and your life along with whatever it is your heart desires. ;) :three:

[wkdblue]

:) Cheers for the words of support guys... it seems strange to me but I've looked into as many websites as I can and there is very little about, I've looked for local groups and there is even less! Although I did find a site called www.pride2serve.net which may come in handy!
I just really want to get to know people who are going or have gone through the same as me, hmmm hard to explain it, I just want to feel part of a group I suppose, where I can be myself!
I'm part of a pretty big group at the moment (Army) but they take a while to catch up with social acceptance :( so I have to be careful on that front.
As for age... it's never too late to come to terms with things.... it's better for you to come with terms with it at some point than never! I wouldn't want to have the internal struggle I've had for the rest of my life... I think that would destroy me!
Again thanks for the kind words :flag4: