A question for Trans (and other) folks!

[KatieBi]

Hi everyone,

Okay, let me start by confessing my complete lack of experience and understanding with trans people and trans issues. I don't mean to offend, but very well may accidentally do so due to my complete ignorance. Hopefully you can educate me in a forgiving manner so that I don't make the same mistake in the future :)

My question arises from a shopping excursion I made with a friend the other day to a larger department store. The person who helped us at the cash register with a pricing issue and purchase was clearly a transexual in transition. He(or she, I don't know which is appropriate at that point), was not only helpful, but also more beautiful than I will ever be (seriously).

In my head, I was thinking, "what a kind, brave and beautiful guy/gal this person is", and really wished I could come up with a way to convey this without being mistakenly taken as being either a)threatening, b)patronizing, c)bigoted. I ended up doing nothing, which I talked about with my str8 friend after we left the store. Neither of us knew what to do if given the chance again.

Do any of you have any suggestions? Or maybe we were right to say nothing at all?

[DiamondDog]

If I am unsure of the person's gender, I just say "you're a beautiful person".

Or if they are MtF (male transgender female) I'll say you're a beautiful woman, or if the person is a transman (female transgender male) I'll say you're a handsome man.

Of course this is when I know that they're in their transitioning stage and I usually find that out when they tell me their name or say that they're trans, or it is obvious that they are trans (such as they are wearing women's clothing, have had facial surgery, and are on hormones or talk about being on hormones).

[moonlitwish]

I am aquainted with a lovely Lady become Gentleman. When we first met he was still considering himself a she, but now considers himself a he and I'm really not around him enuf to remember that....nor is my friend that introduced us so that makes it even more confusing when we're referring to him in conversation...After getting fussed at for slipping, we all just decided to call him by his name to keep from offending.
I also have a question someone here may be able to answer....Is it that there are more MtF transexuals than FtM? OR Do the MtF just get more attention? The person mentioned above is the only one I know of meeting so I'm not well versed on Trans issues either. Please enlighten us!

[JrzGuy3]

The limited answer is not to overreact nor to underreact. Those of us who go in drag are ultimately trying to pass; I personally wouldn't want you to treat me any differently than you treat any other girl. For example, if you make a derisive comment, that's obviously not doing any good. But going over the top "OMG you are doing Such a good job with that!!!" may in a vacuum be a compliment, but at the same time it's telling them, hey, I can tell- try harder next time. What I'd suggest is pay a small compliment- "Oh I really like your hair/necklace/bracelet. Who does it/makes it/styles it?" A mtf trans (like me) doesn't want to be treated like a guy dressing up as a girl. She (we prefer to be called by our psychological gender if trying to pass) wants to be treated as a girl, plain and simply.

Hope this helped!

[Gemini25]

I have to admit, I didn't understand, and didn't really know anything about Transgender people until I joined the PFLAG group in my area, and met my friend Christy. As you can tell by the name she is male to female transitioning transgender person. She is VERY open, and incurages questions, no matter how silly they may be. She's very into educating the public. She and another transgender friend of hers did a presentation at one of our PFLAG meetings and it was very interesting. I also thankfully watched the Discovery channel a lot, and there were a lot of shows about the trangender community. So luckily I feel a little better educated.

As mentioned in a previous responce, I agree that if you want to give a complement not to be over the top. Be genuine, as if you were complementing one of your girlfriends.

As for the female to male transgender people, from what I understand, the surgery to go from a woman to a man isn't as well developed as going from a man to a woman. So I think there are a lot of women out there that may be transgender, but don't go through with the complete surgery because the end result isn't 100% yet.

That's my :2cents: :flag2:

[Driver 8]

In brief: no, there's nothing you can politely say. It's impolite to say something that adds up to "you're transgender" to a stranger, and in most circles it's impolite to comment on a stranger's appearance.

Riki Wilchins has a nice bit about this in her book Read My Lips, where she points out that a lot of the intended compliments she gets are based on the idea that her gender is in question, and that her gender is something to be decided by others. There's nothing wrong with admiring someone for doing something tough - but I'd say that keeping quiet is the more respectful thing to do. Besides, there's a good chance that she gets a lot of questions if she's not passing - and I bet she prefers your approach, of treating her courteously and exactly the same as you'd treat a non-TG woman in the same setting. :2cents:

And while I'm recommending books, there's a pretty good etiquette book called The Bride Wore Black - And He Looked Fabulous! that covers the sort of etiquette questions your mother never answered. I say "pretty good" because the authors seem to have a bit of a blind spot with bisexuals; they recommend answering biphobic remarks with "Why do you think that?" and doing some education. Frankly, I don't believe they've ever tried that. It's my experience that people who get in your face and say "Bisexuals don't exist" or "You're a disease carrier" or whatever aren't willing to be educated. They're being rude and when you dignify their remarks with a response, you're acting as though the original comment is acceptable conversation. (I think I'm up to four cents now: :2cents: :2cents: )

[Driver 8]

I also have a question someone here may be able to answer....Is it that there are more MtF transexuals than FtM? OR Do the MtF just get more attention?
It's hard to say. As has been pointed out, the "bottom surgery" for FtMs just isn't that good, which might have discouraged some people from transitioning. And it's so hard to get statistics.

In Patrick Califia's book Sex Changes, he points out that even though the media attention has always focussed on MtFs, gender centers have tended to receive large numbers of inquiries from FtMs. He suggests that the numbers would be about equal if the media coverage had been equal. I really highly recommend this book to anyone who's interested in TG issues; I think it's the single best overview of the subject.

[Long Duck Dong]

sings the song " treat her like a lady " lol

simply and bluntly, treat as a normal person, and try not to draw attention to their transgender aspects unless they open the way to talk about it

I do have a few pre op / post op transgender friends and I treat them according to the sex they wish to be,...tho I am known for my smartness... one time I said to a transexual ( MtF ) that i really hate trans,... they were rather shocked for a few moments until I said, they get to wear all the sexy clothes that make my butt look big...( i am a male and not a crossdresser or a trans )

[Driver 8]

and try not to draw attention to their transgender aspects unless they open the way to talk about it
I like the way you put this. I've known some TG people who are very happy to answer questions; they've made the decision to give up some of their privacy in return for, they hope, educating people. But that is, and should be, their choice. Same goes for bisexuals, people with disabilities, anyone who's identifiably different. Some may choose to be open about personal matters but the choice is up to them.

[smokey]

I personally do not understand either transexuals or transvestites but that is entirely moot. They are human beings regardless of what you may or may not think of them and deserve the same respect all beings deserve.

[Bicuriousity]

What was kind of neat is a year or two ago Runners World ran an article on a transexual woman. She used to run as a man and then underwent surgery. Her times got worse which was of some concern to her.

[KatieBi]

Thanks for the advice all :) I guess doing nothing aside from being polite is probably the best thing to do. I was tempted, as some here mentioned, to pay a small (and sincere) compliment, but I was worried about the potential for it to be taken in the wrong way. Truthfully though, if I didn't know he/she was trans, I probably would have said more (eg a compliment) than I did.

But that brings up another question, while we're at it ... do people think there are special situations where you shouldn't treat a G/L/B/T person as you'd treat your het peers/acquaintances - areas where special consideration needs to be applied, and where it would be insensitive to act like they were just another "average joe" (aside from the bedroom, of course, lol)?

[Lorcan]

As for the female to male transgender people, from what I understand, the surgery to go from a woman to a man isn't as well developed as going from a man to a woman. So I think there are a lot of women out there that may be transgender, but don't go through with the complete surgery because the end result isn't 100% yet.

That's basically why i didn't do it. Although, with you're pants on, the ability to pass is quite good. So you might pass by many FTM people and never have a clue. Which is why it might seem like there are less of them. I don't know; i'm just hypothesizing.

[becksbolero]

Treat them exactly like everyone else...

[BiGuyinTX]

Hi

As someone who has some experience (I'm not TS, but I did live as a female full-time while in college) treat them exactly as if you didn't know they were trans. Speak to them or compliment them exactly as if they were a "regular" female (or male) friend, or someone who you wanted to get to know better. Exactly as you would want to be treated by someone who wanted to compliment or speak to you.

[wanderingrichard]

personally, best thing that has worked for me is to treat a trans person like you would anyone else, and that includes their gender.. after all, thats why they are trans in the first place.. they are more confortable in the other gender.

so, don't think of them aa a he trying to be a she, or a she trying to be a he.. just think of them as him or her.. you and me.. it's that simple.