marriage and coming out to husband [Archive]

LadyMic

Jul 10, 2006, 8:54 AM

Hi,

I have been happily married for 14 years and I'm a mom to two autistic kids and my life was ok....until everything have changed for me when I have come to realize that I am bisexual. For years I have supressed my feelings and attraction to women and excused it to myself, and I guess it was enough to keep it "locked up" inside me, but now I can't do it anymore and my husband has started suspecting by the way I look at women on TV and around me.
No, I did not come out and tell him anything YET, I'm too scared since when I have asked him hypothetical questions about this, he freaked out.
I love my husband and I don't want to do anything that will tear my family apart, but I do want my him to know and accept me as I am... eventually.
I don't know what to do- should I take the risk and tell him now? should I wait a bit more, continue to hint, let him realize it by himself more and more and then tell him?
What do you think?
I feel like I'm lying to him while he doesn't really know me, and this is something I can't live with for long (until now we shared everything- there were absolutely no secrets between us since we got married. I know it is different or a bit strange, but we got married very young and have grown up together, and that's the way our relationship survived all the obstacles we faced...and there were many. That's why it's so hard for me to keep this from him now).

As for my friends and family- My best friend will take it great, I know that, since her son came out not so long ago- he's gay, and her brother is as well, so she can deal with this, but I don't want to tell her before I tell my husband.
My family, on the other hand will NOT take it at all, so I don't think I should even tell any of them. (my parents and siblings live in Israel anyway and I only see some of them once a year).

Anyway, I thought I'd ask you all, since you probably have more experience with this than I do...

mic

littlerayofsunshine

Jul 10, 2006, 10:50 AM

You know your husband and his temperament and way of thinking better than any of us. I think if you are really wanting to tell him. Then you should prepare as best as you can. He will probably have numerous questions to ask you and he may be angry. You have to be open to his feelings even if you don't like his reactions. Explain that your thoughts/feelings about women, have never/will never change the love and happiness that you have shared with him and that you have had these feelings for a very long time. That it doesn't mean that you will ever act on your feelings. Emphasise how much you love him. You will have to support him the best you can through this.

If you feel that you shouldn't tell him, then maybe you shouldn't. If everything else is great about the marriage. If you feel he would be angry and leave. Then I suggest you don't tell him.

I know you would like to tell your husband first, but if your friend will accept it and be supportive to you, then it may be good to tell her before you tell your husband. That's just a suggestion... You are going through a hard time and need support and understanding. I support you in what ever you chose.

I wish I could be more help..

jedinudist

Jul 10, 2006, 11:47 AM

The journey of accepting yourself leads us to another journey; i.e.- telling others or "coming out".

Each and every one of us is a unique individual, and our individual situations are equally unique. I truly wish that there was a tried and true method we could tell you about that would make this an easier and safer journey for you.

I came out to my wife before we married. And she helped me accept myself to the point where I recently came out of the closet completely. Some of the people in my life simply stopped communicating with me at all, but most were happy for me.

Your situation is vastly different from mine. You say you already tried to gauge how your husband might react by asking hypothetical questions to which his reaction was obviously less than excellent. However, you also mention that he is starting to suspect you because of the way you look at other women. This puts you in an unpleasant position.

Is your sexual orientation clawing it's way to the front whether or not you want it to? Or is it simply a desire to be honest that has you considering the idea of telling your husband?

Why do you think your husband acted the way he did? Could it be because of his religious beliefs?

Could it be because of his upbringing?

Could it be because he might see your being bisexual as an indication that he is not "satisfying" you? That you might not love him? That you may be thinking of leaving him for a woman? Many spouses feel threatened by their husband's or wife's bisexuality. To a small degree, you have some control over this in how you interact with him on a day to day basis. Reassuring him that he is your one and only can go a long way towards minimizing these types of feelings.

You also wrote something very important:

I feel like I'm lying to him while he doesn't really know me, and this is something I can't live with for long (until now we shared everything- there were absolutely no secrets between us since we got married. I know it is different or a bit strange, but we got married very young and have grown up together, and that's the way our relationship survived all the obstacles we faced...and there were many. That's why it's so hard for me to keep this from him now).

Secrets undermine relationships like marriage. The fact that the two of you have strived to be honest with each other is difficult, commendable, and precious. Letting him "figure it out" for himself could be a slap in the face for him. It may look like you were keeping this a secret from him which will automatically undermine his faith in you.

I can not encourage you to come out to him, or to anyone else. I would encourage you to come out to him first if you do choose to come out at all. He is your spouse and your love, he is the most important person in your life and should be your partner and ally through all things. Telling him first (if you choose to tell anyone) reinforces that for him, and for you as well.

You will have to journey on this path at your own discretion. Know that we are wishing you and your family well, whether you decide to come out or not.

Take a little time for yourself to really mull this over. It is a BIG step in life that once taken, can not be undone.

Blessed Be~

BiBiologist

Jul 10, 2006, 12:11 PM

LadyMic,
I was where you are, and I know I was thinking of all the worst before I decided to come out to my husband. It helped to go to a counselor and discuss it all outloud with a non-judgemental person sworn to confidentiality! I did tell him and his reaction was better than I had hoped but he has struggled with it over the last couple years since then. The biggest problem for him is my long-distance "girlfriend" (on the other side of the world, who I've never met, who I told him about early on). He considers that infidelity, and is not willing to give much in terms of my exploration of myself, or coming out to other people. We are currently in couples counseling, which is helping. Another resource that I just got the nerve to walk up and purchase at the bookstore was "Living Two Lives: Married to a Man, In Love with a Woman," by Joanne Fleisher. It seems to have a lot of good guidance and suggestions about handling this murky situation.
Best of luck!
sam

Lovetolove

Jul 10, 2006, 3:58 PM

Hello Ladymic first I wish you and your family the best.

My husband has always known I was bi and we had an 'Open Marriage' for years. We stop and have been living the 'norm' for a least 12 years, together for 26 years, married 21. I tried to surpress my bi side, until I met someone special, not want to cheat/hide anything from my husband I told him 'Big Mistake'. It's been several months now, I am still trying to make him understand that I don't love him any less, not going to leave him and he is the love of my life.

I will also say that it change so much for us; he questions my coming and goings, think Im doing all my female friend (not). He really seems threaten and insecure. If I had it to do over Im not sure if I would tell him.

Mic if you choose to tell him, remember timing and wording is very important

Are you ready for the consequences, I wasn't

creative_ly_inclined

Jul 10, 2006, 4:42 PM

just wanted to add that some things that are the most difficult are the most rewarding...

my spouse has been the most supportive of all the people i have come out to, not because it went the smoothest-
but because it created a situation where i felt even more sure
that he loves me for me.

the kind of intimacy that is built through continuous dialogue can't be traded for the kind that comes from "getting" one another before you even open your mouth.

these two forms of understanding usually exist simultaneously, and make love worth giving, and life worth living.

Spicy

Jul 10, 2006, 5:09 PM

From your posting I think you are Jewish and the Jewish cummunity is very unexcepting atleast here in Israel and in general. As far as telling your husband I would say be very, very careful, if for some reason you think your husband could make a problem for you it would be better for you not to tell. I do understand this is difficult and you want to come out. Only you could be the judge. I would hate to hear that you have created problems for yourself. I wish you all the best and take care.

Spicy

Reprob8

Jul 11, 2006, 2:22 AM

I came out with my wife yesterday, and it seemed to go well. My family however is full of neocons so telling them is a dead issue. Best of luck. One thought though. are you sure about your feelings because at this stage I am anything but sure.

Avocado

Jul 11, 2006, 8:05 AM

I think you're gonna have to tell him. It's possibly unfair on him for him to not know, but it's definately unfair on you to live a lie. If he walks out on you you deserve better than him.

LadyMic

Jul 11, 2006, 8:58 AM

Spicy,

You are right, we moved from Israel to the US about 7 years ago (good guess!)
Yes, the Israeli jewish community is very unaccepting. We both were raised to think that being gay or Bi would actually make a person a "freak". I'm sure you know what I mean, if you live there. People who are Bi simply do NOT come out over there (or at least they didn't when I used to live there).
However, we have lived here for 7 years, we have always been more liberal people and more open-minded and I know that my husband has nothing against gays and bi people and that he has accepted them in the general idea (he even took my sons out of cub-scouts because they didn't allow gays in. Our best friends' son is gay.).
The thing is, he never felt that comfortable around gays or Bi people when they were close to him...that's why I am worried. Plus I'm afraid that he would feel threatened or that he would think that I'm going to leave him for a woman.
Also, we've had some problems for a while (the cause is my PTSD that brought up many memories from sexual abuse I went through as a child), and now I'm afraid he'll blame it all on my attraction to women.

Now, not telling him at all IS something I considered. remember that it's been quite sometime that I've been thinking about this and haven't said a word to him. The problem is- somehow he is picking up on my feelings and thoughts anyway. I guess it's coming out somehow and my husband is a very intuitive man and he knows me very well, so every little change registers.
I'm afraid he will get it on his own real soon, so I really think I need to have that talk with him soon. Don't think I have a choice really.
The only question that remains is- how do I say it, so that he wouldn't take it hard?

mic

From your posting I think you are Jewish and the Jewish cummunity is very unexcepting atleast here in Israel and in general. As far as telling your husband I would say be very, very careful, if for some reason you think your husband could make a problem for you it would be better for you not to tell. I do understand this is difficult and you want to come out. Only you could be the judge. I would hate to hear that you have created problems for yourself. I wish you all the best and take care.

Spicy

BiBiologist

Jul 11, 2006, 10:24 AM

The book I mentioned above says alot about how to talk to your husband. Here is a website where you can ask questions on the author's message board:
http://classicdykes.com/married.htm

creative_ly_inclined

Jul 11, 2006, 1:04 PM

i can only speak from my experience, but maybe something will aid you on your journey:

making a "safe place" to speak was the start:

this included observing when he was attentive and maybe a bit philisophical, making sure we were out of the bedroom and requesting out-loud a safe place/time to speak

it also included understanding the fears involved:

mine of losing him; his of losing me

... so i started with reaffirming my love for and commitment to him, and my need for honesty between us

... then i stated the facts - and used the analogy of friendship: with different people fulfilling different needs, all the while not being threatening to one another

... then i restated my love, commitment, and need for honesty and let him know that i would not act on my attractions unless we had come to agreement together that such action was safe for both of us

... all the while i focused on listening more than speaking, and remembering to breathe deeply at regular intervals

this conversation has continued for 7 or so years... not all of it pleasant, but all of it honest, and he continues to surprize me with his insights and unconditional support

c.i.

Diane54

Jul 12, 2006, 10:24 PM

I have known for many years but refused to acknowledge it myself.
when I told my hubby his reply was, "I thought so by the way you look at other women. Just remember you are mine."
I don't have a girlfriend at this time and I don't know what his reaction would be if I asked if he would be accepting of me having one.
My 'encounters' with women were rationalised away. I just told myself it was something she wanted.
I was very reticent about telling him but it went well for me.
Doesn't sound like it would be for you.
Tough Decision.
Good Luck!
:2cents:

Manatee

Jul 13, 2006, 2:30 AM

The longer you wait, the bigger the secret becomes.

My first husband had an affair (with a woman) for a year and then lied for 9 more months before I ended the marriage.

My current husband began internet activity to explore and understand his bi feelings about a year ago and he just told me about it 3 weeks ago. I feel that was way too long to wait, he was already deeply entrenched into this bi internet life and I feel he only told me because he was wanting to meet someone for a fling and he is naturally monogamous and wanted permission... he would disagree with me about the reason for the timing... but there you see how waiting so long can create as many problems as it solves. And I am very accepting of the orientation part of it, just having trouble with the trust.

You know your man better than any of us, this is just one scenario. Maybe telling him with a professional counselor present would help, if you are both open to that.

As for me, I feel like I must be pretty fucked up to have two men driven to create secret lives away from me..... maybe I should become a hermit.

Best of luck to you.

Manatee

Jul 13, 2006, 2:35 AM

LadyMic

Jul 13, 2006, 8:48 AM

Thank you for your reply, I have been thinking to do exactly that- we usually go out for a couple of hours (quality time) in which we have dinner and talk once a week, while the kids stay home- this would be the best time to discuss this issue.
This is also when I started talking with him about my journey for self-discovery last week, but didn't really tell him everything eventually.

The reason for me not telling him everything is because I'm not done with my "journey" just yet. I think I didn't really get to the point where I understand myself fully, and if I can't understand myself, I can't expect him to understand me either.
My problem that remains is that I feel like I don't belong within myself; I have always felt like I had two sexual identities- a male and a female. As a child I wanted to be a boy (acted like one, felt like one, played like one, looked like one, identified as one and all of my friends knew me as one), that continued until I was 12yo, when I developed and also became feminine in the way I behaved and thought (was attracted to boys more, started dressing like a girl, put make up later on and so on). From that day on, I supressed that male side in me but I was always like a Tomboy kind of a woman (never was interested in femenine clothes, use make up in rare occasions only, didn't like girly chit chat and never got along much with girls as friends...). It is very confusing.
I have looked to see if maybe I'm one of those people who are what you call transgender, but what they describe is different than what I feel.
I don't feel like a man trapped in a woman's body- I am a woman, see myself as one, I do feel like a woman and think like one...most of the time and I am attracted to men, BUT there are times where I feel, think and maybe even wish I was a man (maybe that goes along with my attraction to women?).
This is very strange, I know.
I don't know any other women that feel this way, so I have never ever spoken about this with anyone.

Have any of you heard of women who are this way and if so, what is this?
what did they do about it?

I need to figure this one out BEFORE I have that talk with my husband.

Mic

<snip>
making a "safe place" to speak was the start:

this included observing when he was attentive and maybe a bit philisophical, making sure we were out of the bedroom and requesting out-loud a safe place/time to speak

it also included understanding the fears involved:

mine of losing him; his of losing me

... so i started with reaffirming my love for and commitment to him, and my need for honesty between us
<snip>

c.i.

taz67156

Jul 13, 2006, 9:03 PM

if he has a bad temper when it comes to certain things then you might not come straight out and tell him about your bi side but if your hinting around about it and he doesn't say anything then he might not have any problem with that part of you so really all that can could suggest to you is that you hint around awhile longer and see what he does or says about it but if you happen to get on that subject with him you might casually ask what he would think if you was bisexual or bicurious and go from there.

good luck

Azrael

Jul 13, 2006, 9:06 PM

The longer you put it off, I find, the more it eats away at you.

Diane54

Jul 14, 2006, 11:51 AM

there is NO 1 or 2 or 3 sexual orientations. the whole bit goes from one end to the other like the rainbow which blends from one colour to the other without sharp definitions. nobody fits into a pigeon hole. :2cents:

innaminka

Jul 14, 2006, 7:55 PM

Herbwoman39

Jul 14, 2006, 10:34 PM

I was in your shoes 18 months ago when the denial I had been in for years was ripped away in a brief shining moment of realization. After I came out to myself, the first person I came out to was my husband.
Frankly, I was terrified but I had no one else to talk to and i was really rather freaked out so I just came right out and told him what I was experiencing.
He was the one who suggested that I talk to a councelor to sort out my feelings and look around on the internet to see if what i was feeling was actually bisexuality.
He's been one of the most supportive people in my life. My other big supporter has been my younger son who accidentally outed me to his girlfriend. She really could have cared less :-)
Unfortunately there may be other people in your life not as receptive. My best friend hardly speaks to me anymore, but I'm giving her lots of room and time.

In short, what I'm saying is give your husband the chance to be the wonderful, loving man you fell in love with.

couplepiper

Jul 15, 2006, 2:21 AM

As a bi-female i guess i got very luck in the man I got he did not know and I did not realize that I had the same needs as you have described until after we got married.

I have a child from a prior marriage and he has 2 from a prior marriage. he has accepted me and my child and I accept him and his. However I after getting married realized that I am bi and decided to hide it for 2 yrs after our marriage in those 2 yrs we went thru hell and back in all forms of subjects from health to financial.

We persevered and 3yrs ago I decided eneough was eneough and to tell him what I really felt and that I was Bi. When I told him I had a desire to be with ladies as well as him he simply looked at me and said "whatever makes you happy I will deal with". So now I search days on end to find a Companion for myself that will not be turned off by men and that will be willing to share in our relationship with us.

I have no words of wisdom for you except to say that if the marriage was meant to be and is a truly healthy marriage then he will accept and love you for who you are.

So in closing you can choose to live in one of 2 ways either live a Lie by hiding something you know you are and risk nothing or you can be upfront and honest and pray for the best and take the risk for your own happiness.

LadyMic

Jul 16, 2006, 9:14 AM

In short, what I'm saying is give your husband the chance to be the wonderful, loving man you fell in love with.

Well, I finally did it!
I told my husband. It started with some remarks I made about a woman on TV, some teasing on his part - said he had a bisexual wife and when I said nothing he realized I wasn't denying it. I asked him if he'd like to have a talk, he said no...we went to sleep. Neither of us slept that night.
The next morning we had that talk. We're still having that talk on and off as he's having so many questions and is feeling so very insecure and scared right now...

I can't say he took it well- he didn't, but he also didn't get angry or freak out. He said there were signs there for years, he just supressed, ignored and hoped there was nothing behind them.
Now that he knows there is something there, he is just afraid.

To understand why- you need to understand that my husband is not one of the men that would ever allow another woman in our bedroom, nor let me experiment with a woman on the side. To him it is the most important that I'd make a decision right now if I want this marriage to continue and if so, it's going to be just him and I.
Since I have made my choice and told him I do want this marriage to go on, now what he's afraid of is that somewhere down the line I'd still want to try women out (since I have never done that) and I'd leave him in order to do that. This fear makes him feel literally sick.
Nothing I have told him made him feel better so far- no reassurance or declaration of love made him feel safer for the time being.
I guess it will take some time.

How things are going now- not well. He is trying to somehow move along and accept this whole thing, let the fear subside, but it doesn''t seem to work well for him. He's not sleeping or eating and is feeling unwell physically. He is talking to me about it every now and then, which is good for him and us, but not so much for me as it turns out- makes me feel really bad emotionally since each conversation is made out of dozens of very deep questions about my future intentions, my feelings and thoughts (things that of some of them I'm not even totally sure of yet and he's looking for guarentees) and I know that I risk hurting him badly every time we talk like that.
I feel like I need support and have no one to get it from right now, and then I have to find it within me to support my husband, who erally needs my support right now (but can't find it within himself to support me).
I thought of telling my best friend, but my husband asked me to consider not to- he said that if she tells her hubby he'd feel very uncomfortable plus this friend of mine does usually find it hard to keep her mouth shut, so she also might tell other people in my small community and that might come back to bite us in the butt (my boys don't know and I don't plan on telling them- they are both autistic and it would be hard for them to understand this).

So if I don't tell my best friend, I really do have no support, because I am not going to tell my family (they are all homophobic, so they'd be "bi-phobic" as well and would stop contact with me altogether and that would be unfair for my kids' sakes).

I feel stuck, yet again and all alone in this (apart from you all, who have been here with me on this journey and have been my only support).

Now I know my husband loves me and that he wants our marriage to be ok, but what I don't know is how I can help him to make him suffer less and understand that I'm still the same woman I was before I told him (I did tell him that)- is it all a matter of time?
Does he have to go through this suffering and then he'll get used to the idea and be ok? or is he always going to feel this way?

mic

Bi-ten

Jul 16, 2006, 10:36 AM

Hi Mic,

It is sad to hear about the pain you and your husband are going through.

I have experienced this sort of pain myself, still, I believe that everything will work out for you... your honesty was really the only path you could choose, and now events will unfold as God intended.

You have much support here on this site, but I would encourage you to find someone you can trust to speak to (face to face). In my case I sought a gay friendly therapist...she helped me see the joy of living in truth.

God bless my dear, feel free to write anytime.

Bi-ten

Mrs.F

Jul 16, 2006, 5:42 PM

I also feel sad for what you are both going through but it's a start. Congrats to you.

He's going to be full of questions, and some pretty deep and probably many like you said that you yourself don't even know the answers too. I was loaded with questions when I found out about my husband. OMG>>>I had so many things running through my mind. It was litterally on my mind 24/7 and nothing I did stopped it. I NEEDED to understand it and I was not going to be ok with any of it until I did. I did not like living in fear of not making him happy, of him wanting more then me, of him possibly leaving me because I could not sexually satisfy him. It was not until I joined here and started reading all these threads and talking to people like him that started to see that he was still the same person. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and it's going to take him the same. I think a therapist is a good idea..you need support also. But how he's acting right now is normal. He's confused and has alot to digest..just don't lose the communication and keep telling him everything your telling him.

wishing you the best luck
*hugs*

LadyMic

Jul 17, 2006, 9:46 AM

Thank you Mrs.F .
I knew he would have a lot fo questions even before I told him. I knew some of what he would feel too, that's partly why I was afraid to tell him.
To him, bisexuality is an abnormality...a sickness of some sort. He can't really understand it, That's the main problem we are dealing with.
Some of his thoughts are about if he might be able to "fix" me and make me ''normal"...
So you see, this is more than just difficult.
I feel hurt too. We do have the communication, but I'm not sure if it's good or bad- maybe it's good because it lets him get it all out and work through his pain and confusion, BUT it is also bad because it "allows" me to hear how this makes him sick to his stomach, how angry he is at me, how he mourns the old me and has to learn to accept the "divient" me and so on.
It makes me feel as sick as him and I am in pain!
Right now I am not so sure we will survive this; As much as we both love each other and want our marriage to succeed...I am not sure he would be able to pass this hurdle and come to a place where my newfound sexual orientation doesn't really bother him, AND I am not so sure I can come to a place where him not being able to love me and accept me as I am, completely doesn't take away from my love and commitment to him..
I hope I'm making sense here.

I'll have to wait, go through this pain and see what happens.

I am meeting my best friend in a few minutes and I'm thinking of telling her.
We'll see what will happen there too....

mic

I also feel sad for what you are both going through but it's a start. Congrats to you.

He's going to be full of questions, and some pretty deep and probably many like you said that you yourself don't even know the answers too. I was loaded with questions when I found out about my husband. OMG>>>I had so many things running through my mind. It was litterally on my mind 24/7 and nothing I did stopped it. I NEEDED to understand it and I was not going to be ok with any of it until I did. I did not like living in fear of not making him happy, of him wanting more then me, of him possibly leaving me because I could not sexually satisfy him. It was not until I joined here and started reading all these threads and talking to people like him that started to see that he was still the same person. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and it's going to take him the same. I think a therapist is a good idea..you need support also. But how he's acting right now is normal. He's confused and has alot to digest..just don't lose the communication and keep telling him everything your telling him.

wishing you the best luck
*hugs*

creative_ly_inclined

Jul 17, 2006, 1:09 PM

LadyMic,

thinking of you as you go through this process...

remember, you aren't alone.

c.i.

deremarc

Jul 17, 2006, 2:09 PM

I am the straight spouse of a guy that I am pretty sure is bi, but hasn't been able to admit it to me.

I think you were absolutely right in telling him, good relationships are built on trust and honesty.

That being said, I think it is hard for the person coming out to understand the total pain that the other person feels.

I realize that you and my husband are facing your own personal demons right now, and that how you feel and what you need are very important.

When I try and have a discussion about this, my husband feels as if I am not worried about how he feels, because I want to discuss something he would rather not have to deal with and because me discussing it causes him the same kind of pain that you are feeling.

But, on my end, I am so scared and hurt that there is almost no way to deal with it. I HAVE to know...to have my questions answered...I can't even begin to deal with it, until I know exactly what it is that I am dealing with.

Just try to remember that while you have known and been dealing with this for years, it is a totally new thing for him. You've had time to assimilate it and somewhat come to grips with it.

Last night after finding this site, my husband and I discussed it and for the first time he admitted that he goes to gay porn and chat because he likes it and I asked if he wanted permission to continue doing that and he said yes.

This was what I wanted, what I really felt we needed...to get it out in the open, but I can tell you...it felt like an emotional gut punch.

We had a dinner to go to last night for a friend of his whose dad died, and for the first time in my life I was not able to put on my "people" face. I just stayed home and stared at the wall, feeling as if my world had just flipped over.

In understanding sexuality, there are not just the labels or gay, bi or straight. There are also the issues of monogamy and not. Our problem comes in because I would happily be monogomus for the rest of my life. In what I've read, he may need to be "allowed" to have sex with other guys, and I understand by reading here that it wouldn't affect his love for me.
But, I don't "Feel" that. I don't like the thought of him having sex with anyone but me...is that my conservative upbringing? I don't know, but it is as much of a part of me, and maybe your husband, as your bisexuality is a part of you.

I do fear it will affect my love for him. He is everything to me, and I don't need anyone but him. The thought that I am not enough, and will never be enough for him causes me great pain and sadness.

All of that aside, I do love him. We both want this to work and we will work on it.

Just be aware of what he is going through too. He will have questions, they will be painful. But I think with communication and time it will get better. I feel for you both.

LadyMic

Jul 17, 2006, 2:47 PM

My situation is a bit different as I have promised my husband that I will stay totally faithful to him in our monogamous relationship and will never seek any other man or woman!
So I don't ask for his permission to have sex with anyone because he's the only one Í want.

As for you- I'm glad your husband finally came out with it and that from now on you have an open communication and I do understand how you must feel.
I hope that in time you will be able to accept your husband as he is and love him completely even with this side of him (believe me this is all he wants and that is why he was afraid to tell you).

mic

In understanding sexuality, there are not just the labels or gay, bi or straight. There are also the issues of monogamy and not. Our problem comes in because I would happily be monogomus for the rest of my life. In what I've read, he may need to be "allowed" to have sex with other guys, and I understand by reading here that it wouldn't affect his love for me.
But, I don't "Feel" that. I don't like the thought of him having sex with anyone but me...is that my conservative upbringing? I don't know, but it is as much of a part of me, and maybe your husband, as your bisexuality is a part of you.

I do fear it will affect my love for him. He is everything to me, and I don't need anyone but him. The thought that I am not enough, and will never be enough for him causes me great pain and sadness.

All of that aside, I do love him. We both want this to work and we will work on it.

Just be aware of what he is going through too. He will have questions, they will be painful. But I think with communication and time it will get better. I feel for you both.

deremarc

Jul 17, 2006, 4:32 PM

If my husband promised me that, I would be okay with anything else.

What I really was trying to say was not just about me, but trying to explain what your husband may be feeling since what he is going through may be similar to what I am.

What I was reponding to was when you said that the talks are so hard on you. I wanted to explain that we have the same ones. And I it is not because I don't love him or care about how much it hurts him. I am just trying to deal and I think your husband probably needs the time and talks to deal with it too.

You guys sound like you have a great marriage, and I am sure he is hurt now, but I think with time, and some adjustment, it will be okay. The process can just be painful for all involved.

Best of luck to you two!