No erection-Need common sense advice, please.

[agoodbiwife]

Hello, My name is Franny and I am the wife of a bisexual man. After several attempts at finding the right man for us, I think we may have found him. He is intelligent, funny, honest, caring, and a good lover in many ways. There is one problem. Because of a medical condition, recently detected and not yet stabilized, our new lover has difficulty maintaining an erection. The last thing I want to do is to put pressure upon him to feel that he is inadequate, but I would like to help his confidence, if possible. He is seeking medical help and is willing to try to improve his condition. I guess what I am asking is two fold, is there something that any of the other men on this site have experianced and can give their views and comments. Also, can the women who have had to live with this situation give me advice on how they have been able to cope with not having a man make that kind of love to you.

Also, I thank you all for being so open and honest in your posts, to me and to the others who have asked for help. This section of the site is where I spend most of my time. The sense of community is overwhelming.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok, I don't have penal dysfunction... but I may be able to help

take the emphasis off his penis.... hes a fully working man and has hands fingers, toes, a tongue and a range of sex toys will help

use positions that involve him, talking and fantasies,... even use a strap on with him wearing it, and while you are being made love to, treat the strap on like its a penis, let him lay in front of you and perform oral sex on him and masturbate the strap on while saying things like you want that cock to deal to you, to F**K your mouth etc

make it clear to him that he is more than a penis, and show him how you and your partner need him as a working part of a 3 some, how you need his fingers, tongue, kisses, touching etc

let him know just how important he is, with or without a fully functioning penis , and it may give you all a wider range of sexual activities

I spent a number of months in hospital after a car accident, and I learnt, with the help of my gf, how to give pleasure and recieive pleasure that went well beyond just a penis and vagina... i learnt a lot about my limited ( and i will call myself ignorant ) sexual knowledge, and my gf enjoyed much of the new experiences of teaching me just how to make a lady reach the ultimate pleasure

[agoodbiwife]

Long,

Thank you for your comments, I should have included a paragraph saying that in all honesty, there is so much more to this man than just his penis. He is very good at using his other avenues, that I assumed everyone would take that for granted, my error.

I think I am asking this more for his benefit than mine to be honest. I lived for 20 years without my husband giving me oral sex, that this is just another thing that will make me a better lover.

Franny

[onewhocares]

Hi,

My advice to you is to look beyond the physical and see the real man. A man is not just his penis. He has a brain, and a heart and most importantly, a soul. My personal part of a man that I like and find the most fulfillment from are his eyes and his sense of humor. Find those two important qualities in a man are paramount to the physical attributes.

Like those who have posted before me, there are many ways a man can make love both to a man as well as a woman. Open communication, straight talk of feelings and expectations are tops in my book. Look beyond the obvious.

I think the men from this site may be able to offer you assistance on how to handle the issue with your new lover. What a lucky man he must be to know that you are caring and taking the time to consider his feelings.

Belle

[LouiseBrookslover]

It's a bit of a takeoff from Belle's advice, but if the subject comes up, be nonchalant about it in a friendly way. You said it was medical in nature, so hint to him in an offhand way that we all have "mechanical difficulties". This can show him that he's not alone in having the occasional medical problem, and that we are not defined by our medical conditions. The important thing to do is to keep it as far away as possible from the realm of the psychological and the inner self....that can make the problem get even worse.

He really is lucky to have such an understanding friend.

[Haemoglobin]

i have experienced that some guys can have a problem gettin a hard on sometimes or even very often have problems gettin an orgasm and loosing their hard ons if they had at all one .

in my cases the problem was always , insecurity , lack of self confindence but the biggest problem of all tiredness and exhaustion .
no man can get a nice erection or orgasm without beeing awake and fit .

to put pressure on someone who already has a problem right then in the moment mostly makes no sense , will only make it worse . but just if you try kissing and making out with the person and create smth where everyone feels comfortable then it might still work .
i think erection problems are problems that the head creates . . im not a guy but thats what i know from dating them .

[Lisa (va)]

A lot would depend on the medical condition, but there are many ED drugs available through your doctor (or even intenet). That aside you may try certain positions as his condition may enable him to maintain longer in a position that has the least excertion on him, i.e. him on his back or oral sex sitting down. But love can still be very fullfilling without penetration, just be patient and reassure him that ya'll are willing to work through this with him, that would give him a boost of confidence.
Hope things work out for the three of you !

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Haemoglobin]

and i forgot , if nothing works get the spray called "spray em up" . thats works wonderful even on the most stubborn cocks and what about horny goatweed anyways !

[Sparks]

Your sensitivity is impressive, and very caring. There is not a man on the earth who has'nt experienced this frustrating condition, me included. It's usually short lived. Nevertheless, there is more than one way to make love as I'm sure that you know. There is a four letter word for sex, and that's called "talk". Be supportive in that sense, and then seek medical advice. In this modern world, you'll soon have a smile on your face again. Take good care. :2cents:

Fred

[CountryLover]

It sounds like he's doing the things he needs to do medically, and you are doing the things you need to do, which is to be sensitive and enjoy the whole person he is.

I've dealt with ED with a few different lovers and in each case, simply moved on to other things that did work without any fanfare. If he needs to talk about it, listen with an open mind and then remind him (he'll probably need to hear it often) that he's loved and enjoyed for his whole person, not just that very small percentage that doesn't want to cooperate currently. Let him know that his skills with oral sex, manual stimulations etc are pleasing to you. And be patient!

[gacplseekingfemale]

I have something to add to this. What if, the guy doesn't show interest in the oral, or other aspects of sex? What if he doesn't want any part of anything to do with sex unless he can have his ultimate goal, and that is to have himself have a rigid erection that he can use? I have tried all the things that all of you have suggested, even had the doctor try him on all the well known ed drugs. Nothing has helped. So what about a situation like that?

[Haemoglobin]

if you have already been to a doctor and nothing helped then i think youre really having some serious trouble . i think the psychological aspect really might be relevant in such cases .

my latin is at an end . i said what i know , thats about all i could do here . but long talks and understanding may still create an athmospere in which he can get his erection and orgasm and everybody is happy ?

apart from , why is he so goal directed ? and why cant he enjoy oral sex ? are you sure he didnt hit his head somewhere , never heared of such a guy . .
but then its no big surprise for me there , no sex talk , no foreplay , no oral sex - - - no orgasm i guess .. maybe the problem lies closer at hand than you think . and from experience , the closer to the goal the try to get cost it whatever it wants , the more sure they wont reach there .

[agoodbiwife]

First of all, I wish to thank you all for your most open and honest responses. I knew that this web site was caring, but your outpouring of personal experiance has been most heart warming.

To answer many of the questions you all asked, I, as the woman in this realtionship am seeking advice not for my physical satifaction but rather want to learn how to most effectivly handle what is sure to be a most difficult and perhaps somewhat embaressing subject and circumstance for our new lover. It is he whom I am worried about. I want to be able to tell him that in all honesty, his inability to get hard is of little importance to me- maybe a little more for my husband as he enjoys anal sex. A strapon, may solve that problem.

Long- Very good words of wisdom.
LouiseBrooks- Yes, most assuredly, I am not making a big deal of this.
Sparks- thank you for your kind words...which are so true. Talk a most sexy of four letter words will certainly play a role in our lives. A man is not measured by his penis- at least not in my world.

Country Lover-thank you for sharing your views on this matter.
Lisa- Also thanks for your advice.
Haemoglobin- you are certainly vocal and to the point. Although your last comments I believe should be directed at GACouple.
Gacouple- I am sorry that things are not working out.


Again, sincere thanks to all....Franny

[aquist]

I had prostate cancer and the surgery left me with e.d. after trying the pump and the pills were inefffective, i found caverject, after four years of no erections i get a wonderful three hour long hard on. its not as long as it was 8 but its thicker. you have to inject it into the side of your penis. but theneedle is very fine it doesnt hur and it doesnt bleed and the results are immediate and wonderful. get him to a urolgist for a Rx for caverject

[SobeLuver]

My husband was hit by a car three years ago. At first he ignored the fact that he suddenly couldn't keep an erection. Then his mood changed and he confronted his problem. He's not less of a man in any way, just sometimes you need a little help. He's taking a persrciption called Cialis, 20mg. We don't use it all the time, but he's much happier now.

[gacplseekingfemale]

oh the moods.....I forgot about those. But boy I don't know how I forgot. But anyway. I have read about Caverject. Does it have to be prescribed by a urologist? Can your family doctor prescribe it? Maybe I need to say something to our doctor next month. Thanks for the advice.

[Herbwoman39]

Two words: Herbal vasodialator. If he's not on any type of blood thiiners or blood pressure medication, talk to your local herbalist about what herbal blend would be right for your friend. No point in using pharmaceuticals when a natural approach is much better recieved by the human body.

Also, if he hasn't been checked for prostatitis or prostate cancer, he should have a doctore check him out for that.

[onewhocares]

Hi, It is Belle back again,

I was mentioning this topic to a cousin of mine- 46 who has been involved with a 70 year old man. She too has come upon the situation that you speak of. Unfortunatly she is not as compassionate and understanding as you are and well I am ashamed to admit, she is only concerned about getting the problem resolved for her own benefit. She, to me is perfect example of what a woman ( or a man for that matter) must not be. If you truely care for the person you are with, you love him, all of him, the good, the bad, what works and what does not. She did mention that he has tried the Cialis- on moderate results and is now looking to his doctor (which unfortunately is her brother) for Viagra. I shall pass along the other information give to you, to her. Thank you for asking this most timely of questions.

Belle