Need some advice.....Embarressed!!!!

[deletetacount123]

Hi all,

I in currently in the middle of a divorce from my husband of 3 years. Should have happened sooner but I kept thinking I could get him to change *sighs*

Well, I was one of the rare few who waited till marriage to have sex (hehe 22 years old) but the sex life was horrible. To make it worse and VERY embarrsing, I am 27 years old and never had or given oral sex or been french kissed. :-(
He didn't like those things at all and I wanted them badly lol Kissing and Touching I wanted, I keep hearing Im missing out a lot when I say I never had oral. He never ever seemed to be in the mood and when he was it was... nothing.... kinda like "hi, boom boom, bye" basically there was no love in the lovemaking.

His lack of sexual interest is part of the reason of the divorce :-) (the other part has to do with his behaviour)

I am really embarressed by the lack of sexual experiences I have :-(
I have been told some poeple are turned on when they have to teach someone so that kinda makes me feel better lol

I have noticed one other thing lately, I am finally coming out of the closet to experinces my interest in being with girls too... always had been attracted to women more than men, I just get along better with women. :-) I have had crushes on women in school.... almost had my chance once but I chickened out :-(
Im happy about that.... but the lack of sexual expereinces still bothers me *pouts*

Has anyone ever been where I am?? I feel like that guy in the movie "The 40 year old virgin" *sighs* But its strange all the sexual dreams Ive had makes it look like was expereinced :-) I just needed to get this out.... I just feel sooo embarressed by the whole thing and mad at my ex too!!! :-)

Don't know what I saw in him *sighs* Oh well. Is it true that some people are turned on if they have to "teach" someone? doesn't matter how the learner is? I do know I can be very sexually active when I want to be so theres nothing wrong on my end :-)

Tasha

[Azrael]

Damn, that really sucks. Patience would be advised, however in the interest of not getting yourself hurt. Find the affection and the sex will eventually follow in my personal experience. I can however say as the student for a lot of my sex life that some people do definetely get off on being teacher. He never even kissed you with his tongue? That's awful. Best of luck.

[deletetacount123]

Nope.. the kisses were more like pecks on the lips.. kind of what anyone do, it was more like hmm a friend type peck that you would give to a family member or friend if saying bye or hello.

I hope I can find someone that wouldn't mind teaching lol. Thanks for your kind post :-) Made me feel better.

One thing I know Im not going to do is do any of the one night stand stuff... just not into that, I have always believed sex is personal and should be shared with the one you love :-)

Tasha

[Sparks]

Tasha,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You just happend to marry an alien. Having had a lot of experience (orally) with men and women, it is a very sensual experience. Trust youself. When the time is right, either it be with a man or a woman, you'll know it.

Fred

[deletetacount123]

Fred,

You made me laugh, I needed that, yes, he was an Ailen :-)
Thanks for your post :-)

Tasha

[Mrs.F]

I'm sorry Tasha that your husband wasn't more loving to you. It makes you wonder if he himself didn't know how to love. Instead of trying to learn, he just stated he didn't like it. That's really too bad...for him. You have now moved on with your life. It can only get better from where your at. When you meet someone...don't even think sex..just enjoy being with them and when the time is right, things will happen on their own. You will know exactly what to do when your with the right person. It will all fall into place and be the most wonderful experience! :bigrin:

I don't think you should be embarrassed at all...your ex should be though! :rolleyes:

[deletetacount123]

Mrs F,

Ya, he should be..... Im glad I can move on now, at least now I know what to look for in a relationship.. I think with him, things may have moved to quickly.... so this time around I know to slow down and just let things go as they happen. :-)
My ex was not raised in a loving family.... his parents fought all the time, there was never any hugs or kisses or "i love yous" in his family. So maybe he didn't know how but people can learn..... he just didn't want to it seems.
In my family, hugs, kisses and "i love yous" are a big thing lol
I know I tried the best I could... I was very giving but just wasn't getting anything in return :-( No matter what I suggested to him, he wasn't a easy person to speak with either.

Tasha

[Mrs.F]

Well, if his parents and family were that cold also, then he's not acting any different. It's just a shame that he didn't catch on that maybe his parents were not good role models! At some point in his life he may notice he's missing something.....love, companionship, touching...all the things that let you know that you love someone or they love you. And maybe like you said, rushing into it at a young age is not always a good thing either.

Your free now, you can learn and explore and do what you want, when you want! Enjoy it! Make up for the yrs. you didn't kiss, hug or have oral sex! :bigrin:

Wishing you the best always Tasha

hugs :)

[deletetacount123]

Ya!! lol
One thing I learnt was to look for someone that grew up with love in the family/friends... that way they can share the love I give to them to :-)

I took the Kinky test on the other thread here... I did TERRIBLE lol but then, I couldn't answer some of the questions (oral for example) so that probably didn't help :-)

Thanks again MrsF :-)

[littlerayofsunshine]

Tasha,

Sorry to butt in. But I hope that the lesson you learned isn't one you will keep. I didn't grow up in a loving family and I am a very loving, kind and considerate person. There are people much worse off and they love too.

Your husband shouldn't define how and whom you love. He has shown you by his own example how he loves, not the world.

You have received some really good advice so far, just one more thing I would like to add. I don't know how messy or amicable you divorce will be. But I suggest you go very slow in your romantic future, that is until the divorce if final. Don't want to add any fuel to the fire so to speak.

[Herbwoman39]

Tasha;

Welcome :-)

Read everything you can get your hands on. Go to talksexwithsue.com and read her website. Go buy books on sexuality. Learn as much as you can. When I was in college before I lost my virginity at 19, that's how I learned. I read everyhing I could find that described techniques, etc.

Then, once you've read everything you can find...wait. The right person to share all that knowledge with will come in the proper time when you're ready :-)

[Azrael]

Also, Bi any other name is highly recommended.

[LouiseBrookslover]

Not everyone likes to play "instructor"...but no one likes to play it when the pupil is unwilling, restricted, and closed-minded. Guess what! You're none of those things. In fact, your bisexuality might be a blessing....the key to being sexually happy is to enjoy fluidity. Anyone who can acknowledge their bisexuality has already overcome a rigidity that most people never lose with a lifetime of straight fucking. I wouldn't sweat your actual lack of experience. Your mindset is right. Without that, no amount of experience is going to do anything for you.

[wildangel]

Tasha, at 21 I'm still very lacking as far as experience with women so I understand the plight somewhat. As far as men go, I haven't had a lot of partners, but I have had a lot of experience. Even at only having four previous male partners, I have always been the teacher. I don't so much love teaching as I love watching someone learn something new. ;) Watching someone blossom in front of you is amazing. Not many people will refuse the chance to teach someone unless they are only looking for a quick nsa-no strings attached (not at all to be confused with the former nsg).

Good luck and many happy orgasms! :three:

[Lisa (va)]

Don't be embarassed by yourt lack of experience. Just be yourself and make friends: good friends are far harder to aquire than bed partners. Hopefully with one of these friends something can develop. And always try to keep the lines of communication open with regards to life as well as sex. I personally believe that one person cannot change another, it's more of accepting the individual with all his / her faults.

Hope that everything works out for you in the long run, just be patient, there is always someone out there you (or I ) haven't met yet.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[deletetacount123]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your kind replies.
Right now Im just taking things slow... joined on several dating sites to make friends locally.... I already had decided to just be friends first with people, if romance should happen between me and her/him then I'm open to it.

I learned a lot of lessons from the past relationship with my ex, Its not going to be a messy divorce so thats good as we both agreed we were better off as just friends. But since he doesn't tell me much about his friends, I dont say much about mine so it works :-)

I did however meet someone locally from one of the dating sites (womanline.com) and we got along so well. (She even told me about this site lol) so thats a start :-) Right now Im mostly looking for people who live locally as since online friends are great to have, its nice to have ones in real life too. :-) My being hearing impaired (but I can speak pretty well for someone who's deaf) makes it hard for me to make friends sometimes... thats why I think meeting online first works better!!! :-)

Im going to browse the site someone mentioned about (Sue Johanson's site)

to Herbwoman.... any good book suggestions?? (if anyone else has some good book suggestions, please list!!)

Talk to you all later :-)
Tasha

[Herbwoman39]

Tasha;

There's the old tried and true standby for straight sex "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex(But Were Afraid To Ask)" is an excellent starter manual.
I'm a firm believer that a woman should also be able to help herself before expecting a partner to do it for her, so "Sex For One" is a great book if you're not too proficient in that area.
Also, find anything you can about the how-to. I'm afraid I don't remember what the books were that we all passed around in college. That was 20-something years ago. Check out the books Sue Johansen suggests. She's fantastic! She's the Dr. Ruth of the new millenium :-)

Good luck hon. I know you'll be just fine.

[Diane54]

Tasha;
Don't be embarrassed about your lack of experience. I was 25 before I bedded with anyone I thought he was great, but the one night stands started then and I had a hard time settling down with anyone. I was unlearned when I started but through mutual experimentation when I did get married we learned together and it was fun. I wish I had realised at that time that my attration to women was because of my bisexuality. But I was raised Fundmental Christian and anything outside of a hetro-monogamous relationship was taboo. I envy you realising your bisexuality so young. Enjoy life. life is more than sex, just not much fun without.
I read the penthouse forums, and learned by watching the porno fliks too. also we got a couple of sex games, only they were more for groups or double-couples. he was straight and willing to experiment with me, which helped. Lots of good advice here.
I just wanted to say you need not be embarassed.

[anne27]

Welcome to the site!

All the best advice has already been said, so I don't have a lot to say ;) .

You are kinda like a kid in a candy store now. A lot of new things to try and a lifetime of experiences waiting for you!

Enjoy it all!

[happyjoe68]

I would write some corny reply about willing to teach to you, but that would be very crass ...

Needless to say I have guided some girlfriends, and they have guided me on some matters. Its all part of a relationship, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Any decent caring partner will accept this and not tell you, but *want* to help you in a patient manner.

All I can say is that I've had girlfriends who worried about not being experienced because they thought I was more experienced (I know how to use my imagination more than the average man). To bolster their confidence, I always told them that they were good (none of them were ever bad in bed anyway), and that they werent inexperienced, but just needed to practice more and would they like to practice with me

It seemed to do the trick :)

[Haemoglobin]

hej tasha , i tell you smth . im with a guy at the moment who doesnt have much experience at all . hes 30 and im the second women he ever had sex with . yes , it was a lot of teaching for me but its worth it and i tell you , personally i prefer people who havent been in everyones bed before me !

so i dont think you should be embaressed about anything .
at some parts of your story i just had to laugh a bit , they way you told it was so cute . i almost got a crush on you :rolleyes: ;)

and maybe its good even that you like women , that means a lot of french kissing for you . . :tongue: was that too nasty . . nah

[canuckotter]

In my (admittedly limited) experience, each person you sleep with has their own quirks, their own things they like and dislike and respond to. That's part of the fun of it... Finding out what makes each person work... There are certain commonalities, true, but each person I've been with has had very different ways of responding to different things. Which means that it's almost like learning all over again with each partner. :) So don't worry about being inexperienced, because whoever you're with will be inexperienced with you, so you're even. ;)

[Nara_lovely]

Hindsight is wonderful, but not something to beat yourself up over it.

What you do now is what's valuable. The journey of who you are, where you want to be, what you can learn from the past.

Sweetie...be someone you can be proud of; sexual interests and experiences don't define YOU. Yes it's an important part...but not all of it. So enjoy the discovery of all of you.
From what I've read...you are worth it! Question is, do you believe it too?

[Hockey Girl]

OK, whew, glad that's over with for you....I just heard a similar story from one of my best friends 2 days ago and I'm sorry to hear about that.

I always try to do the 'half-full' kind of thing so here goes...sounds like your ex would have sucked at oral anyway (and NOT in a good way!) So, good thing he didn't ruin it for you for the rest of your life :)

Now, you have a special second chance....maybe God had you in a holding pattern so that you would be available NOW for the real person you are ment to be with....the person that maybe rocks your world...

How exciting that you get to experience these firsts now!!

Good luck with all of it...

Hockey Girl

[deletetacount123]

Hi All,

I learned a lot from you guys...
My ex really was awful as a husband to...beside the sexual part I wanted to do more things with him.... I know its nice to have your "my time" every once in awhile, even I like to have days I want to do nothing but browse the net lol
But he was so hard to do anything with... hes a hardcore online gamer player... meaning his games were first and I was second.
I did try to get into the games he played to do something with him but I got bored since Ive never been that into games, it seemed the more I wanted to plan something for us, the more his ingame battles came "FIRST" ugh
I did ask him one important question which was "well, what if I fell and got seriously hurt and called for you... would I be first or would I have to wait till your battle is over?" he said "gotta wait"
(oh ya, by then it would be too late I bet!!)
He has said he trusted NO ONE.... not even his wife. Also I wnated to have more converstations but he was never into it yet, he would talk on voice chat to memebers in the game for hours.... when I tried to tell him to talk less to them and more to me, he accussed me of being unfair.
He was pretty selfish in the money department to. (had no reason to be.. we were fine in the money department.) He was a very hard person to talk to and actually admitted I wasn't the first to say that hehe

Oh well, at least HES done with... I know what I want in a relationship now. Someone to talk to, do things with, show me love that he never did.

This time Im just taking it slow...making friends first and then if something more should happen (Love) Im ready :-) Just gonna let things happen when they happen as some of you said :-)
Although I still think finding friends online first is better lol I don't know, it just seems easier for me :-)

Tasha

[Haemoglobin]

youre actually considering going back to that guy ?
i dont get that right i hope . if thats the case you maybe first think about it , i mean this guy didnt treat you right obviously . i mean , no gäääää

[deletetacount123]

NO WAY
I hated the way he treated me, I meant the next relationship Im in, Im taking it slow and not rushing into things which was my mistake the first time around.
The first year just seemed fine, then my ex changed.... so maybe that was the problem... I didn't know him well enough.

I will never get back with someone that treated me bad... that wasn't how I was raised. (and I have a mother who would kill anyone that mistreated us klds, if she was allowed hehe)

Sorry for the misunderstanding :-) Meant I was taking it slow with the next relationship, knowing what to look for in likes and dislikes and so on. I don't even talk to my ex anymore... moved on... bye bye ex.
I want someone that treats me kindly, caring and kind... someone that will show me his/her love to me equally as I do to them. Someone that enjoys talking to me and likes my ideas of decorating and such. Someone that would treat me a whole lot better.

Tasha