Azrael
Jul 4, 2006, 3:44 PM
I'm finding myself asking a lot of the same questions as I did when I ended my last relationship. My last relationship was open, but only sexually rather than emotionally. I was with a women who I deeply loved- almost married even. Things started falling apart pretty much when the relationship was open. Also I started having some serious mental issues from a combination of the relationship going sour and being seriously overworked and drug problems to boot. I was told I could have all the fun I wanted, just don't get emotionally attached. This killed me, because it was the affection of another man I missed, rather than the sex. Don't get me wrong, I had fun, but in a rather sterile teasing sort of way. I don't blame her for wanting me to herself, I mean, we were engaged. I eventually ended us out of not wanting to hurt either of us anymore. I remember wondering why I couldn't have a boyfriend and a girlfriend and why it was so wrong for me to want that. It's been a few months since. Now I'm becoming involved with a bi male 6 years my senior. We're very into one another. He's very into monogamy, though, and I feel like I'm setting myself up for more disappointment and hurt. I have no problem with being committed, but I'm at the same inverse point of self awareness as previously, that I may feel like I prefer men but don't want to spend my days idly fantasizing about women. This is all very troubling to me, and I don't know what to do. I suppose maybe I'm doing it to myself. I don't know that I'll ever get married regardless of the gender involved. I'm just so sick of this "if you're with me you're mine" mentality. I am noone's. I as well as my heart are mine to give to whomever I choose. But this boy is so sweet and I don't want to hurt him. Is this fucked up of me? I honestly don't know. My whole family thinks I'm nuts already, and most of my friends are all about monogamy. As I said, I'm very into this guy, but I can't say when I'll start longing for feminine affection again and he flat out does not share his man. I don't know how to begin to approach this one. I mean, I'll be honest like I always am, but how to word it without sounding like I'm some kind of ho-bag?
It feels right now, but I can already tell this is going to be a problem in the future. We're taking it slow but it's already getting pretty intense between us. I just don't think I'm a one lover person. I mean, I'm not ashamed of it in the least bit, it just makes day to day existence kind of confusing. I'm pretty much a split down the middle bisexual. At times I prefer one gender over the other but it's in constant fluidity and I have no idea how I'll feel five years down the line. That's all, a cigarette or two is in order :(
It feels right now, but I can already tell this is going to be a problem in the future. We're taking it slow but it's already getting pretty intense between us. I just don't think I'm a one lover person. I mean, I'm not ashamed of it in the least bit, it just makes day to day existence kind of confusing. I'm pretty much a split down the middle bisexual. At times I prefer one gender over the other but it's in constant fluidity and I have no idea how I'll feel five years down the line. That's all, a cigarette or two is in order :(