Wife came out a year ago and dealing with some problems. Help appreciated

[CadianTrooper]

Hello to all! I'm brand new here. I've been searching for a community I could safely share my experiences with.

I've been married to a gorgeous and wonderful woman for about 3 years now. She came out to me as bi a little more than a year ago. Since then, she has dated, slept with, and broken up with four women.

It has been over a year now since we have had intercourse. It's not from her coming out, but from some health problems that have made intercourse difficult and painful for her. But as far as other sexual intimacy goes, I can count the times I've had with her this past year on one hand. On the other hand, she seems to have no hesitation about being intimate with whatever girl she's dating.

While I've gone without, and am still going without, she is again on the lookout for a new girlfriend. I've never been so sexually frustrated in my whole life as I am now. I wanted her to express herself freely, and now I'm left alone. She says I'd also be free to have a same sex partner if I want to, but I'm straight so I'm not interested in that. Am I selfish and unjustified in feeling that it's unfair that she gets to have an additional sexual outlet and I don't?

Sorry if this comes across as a rant. I'm just trying to make sense of the whole thing and get some outside opinions. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so very much.

[Young pussy and dope]

Is she sure she's bisexual? She sounds more like a lesbian woman who is married to a man (you) and just occasionally putting out a few times a year to appease her husband. You wrote about how she won't have sex with you does this include oral sex; but how she'll gladly have sex with women. Have you told her how since you're heterosexual you should be able to have sex with other women since she does? Or why not ask her to have a MFF 3 way with her and a woman she's involved with?

[CadianTrooper]

We haven't had oral sex in a long time now either. We mentioned a possible MFF threesome a while ago, but since then she's changed her mind and says she definitely doesn't want to do that.

When I've remotely mentioned other relationships for me, she gets angry and hurt and says that her relationships with women aren't the same as mine, and that her having a bi GF is "different" than me having one.

We used to have a very active and vibrant sex life, and I do know that she still loves me. But the frustration and deprivation is driving me crazy. :-/

[justcurious4me]

WOW!!! This soulds like a close reiteration of the marriage that I'm in; however, my wife is completely done with sex due to medical considerations. I can truly understand the frustrations that can be encountered when you just need to be in physical contact with someone sexually and its impossible to fulfill that need. My wife and I haven't had any real sex in almost 3 to 4 years. It makes it extremely hard to get through at times... However, the difference in this situation is obviously the other girlfriend that your wife is seeing.

Fundamentally speaking, if 1.) she is completely ignoring your needs to be with her, 2.) her having a girlfriend on the side, and 3.) her getting angry and hurt at the fact that you may want someone on the side as well... That tells me that she wants to have her cake and eat it too (figuatively speaking)... I hate to say it, and please take my opinion lightly as I am very shy on the history and details of your relationship, but your relationship seems to be on very volatile ground... I would confront her on her intentions and if you believe them to be true to you, then get some marital counseling to help, if you believe it's worth it...

[elian]

You can't have sex due to medical complications? Is there anything you can do that gives you pleasure? Toys? You mentioned oral sex not being very prevalent. I can understand how she might think some of those things but at the same time it ignores your needs as well and a relationship involves two (or more) people. If I really needed sex to be happy in a relationship I would be very unhappy under those circumstances.

The idea of a MFF relationship isn't something she is comfortable with? Wow. Is she jealous much?

I don't know if you can communicate your frustrations in an honest way, I wouldn't necessarily complain about her - I would just say, "I need to be more intimate with you." and see what she says.. If you can't reach a compromise either you can live together without the sex or part ways. Don't know if any children involved or not - that would be another deciding factor.

[onewhocares]

Hi,

I do think that you are not being treated equally in this relationship. I do understand medical issues arise, but pardon my ignorance, unless you are incredibly well endowed, why is it that she can have sex with a woman and not with you? That being said, there are so many other ways in which you both can share intimacy other than vaginal intercourse. I think there may be more issues at stake than what meets the eye.

While she offered you a same sex partner, how would she feel about you opening up your side of the marriage and finding a female lover of your own? Would her consent still apply?

Just a couple thoughts....

Belle in Boston

[DuckiesDarling]

You are definitely not being treated fairly and need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your wife. The problem is it's not her bisexuality that is causing issues it's her selfish nature. Sex with you is painful sex with them isn't so instead of trying to find a way to meet your needs or allowing you to have an outside partner.... The same advice I've given to a lot if you can't compromise then you need to decide if it's worth it to stay in the relationship. You only talked about the intimacy side of things, other than that is she actually a good partner? Is there anything there for you if there is no sex?

[drawingboard3]

I hope this isn't the case, but from you've said, it sounds like she is completely taking you for granted and does not care about your needs and/or feelings. It also sounds like - while she comes across as someone who usually wants things her way in any situation - you are someone who is generally a cool, easy-going guy who likes to go with the flow.... and you care more about whether or not your partner is happy in most situations. I wonder if she just assumed that getting another person on the side would just be another thing that you'd go along with and be totally cool and accepting of? If that is the case, then I think you need to take a bold stand and let your true feelings be known - that you're not okay with it and you're tired of your needs/feelings not being met. I apologize if I jumped to any conclusions - I only mean well!

[hasty1]

Straight partner of a bi guy here. It seems to me that you have been accepting and understanding to a fault, and that she is being incredibly selfish. One of the things that has helped my parter and myself navigate what can be difficult times is that we both have a deep sense of fairness, coupled with love for each other. We agreed some time ago that whatever one did, either of us were able to do. Even though he's pushed that slightly in saying that I could cam with other guys (because his masturbation habit left me high and dry sometimes) it's something I've not done yet, mainly because our larger agreement is that we don't sexually interact with other people until we're ready to explore threesomes with bi men. My sense of fairness gets in the way of being able to enjoy the experience he's offering me. I also sense that he's not completely comfortable with it so I don't go there. There doesn't seem to be much of this sort of interaction in your marriage on your wife's part. She's being completely unreasonable and is not giving your needs any thought whatsoever. What you do about that is a different thing altogether, I think I'd be inclined to offer an ultimatum at this stage, either whatever is ok for one of you to do (meet their sexual needs outside of the marriage irrespective of the gender of sexual partners) then it should be the same for both of you, if not then both of you should meet your needs within the marriage. This isn't a situation that can continue and she's playing with fire if she doesn't imagine that it won't eventually drive a wedge between you that can't be overcome, no matter how much you love each other.
I really hope things sort themselves out, I can't imagine how you're coping emotionally with the situation, masturbation is okay but isn't any kind of substitute for the warmth and presence of someone, especially someone you love.

[Gearbox]

So far your marriage is custom designed to meet all HER sexual needs and none of yours. That is NOT a marriage!
In her head it's ok for her to have sex with women coz she's probably not emotionally interested in them. It's not ok for you though coz you are!
That kicks off her jealousy, and like an overgrown child she doesn't want to deal with it. She'd much prefer you suffer and deal with her neglection, or turn bi.

Get looking for a gf with your wife, and make it an EQUAL open marriage IMO.

[darkeyes]

Young Pussy for 1ce may have hit the nail on the head... it may be that her sexuality has moved on...it can and does in many of us. She may no longer be bisexual but as yet has not realised it or admitted it to herself It took me a couple of years to realise I was no longer bisexual but although I poo-poohed it when it was first suggested, that suggestion began the process of coming to terms with the change. Selfish? Sure, she is being selfish.. but there may be forces at work within her which are beyond her ability to realise it as yet.. and if she has moved on sexually, then, if I may comment of something Gear has said, there is no way any man is going to meet her sexual needs however deeply she may care for him.

[CadianTrooper]

Thank you so much to everyone for your input and help! It's very appreciated.


Other than the problems with sex, my wife is a wonderful spouse. She supports me in everything from my career endeavors to my hobbies, and she is a caring and compassionate person that has helped me through many tough times.She is a truly beautiful person inside and out.

I think Gearbox has hit the nail on the head when talking about the emotional interest. She says the emotional interest she has in women "isn't the same" as the one she has in me, and can't be compared. She says that she'd consider it cheating if either of us were involved with a member of the opposite sex, but not the same. The problem is, I can't have a same sex relationship like she does. I can't change my orientation anymore than she can change hers.

Concerning she may have moved on sexually, I've confronted the issue more than a few times. Every time she denies it. But whenever I try to make plans for us to have some intimate time, some reason not to comes up (she's too tired, too depressed, too stressed and the timeless classic headache). Either she's in real denial or I have the worst luck and timing ever.

I'm going to sit down and talk with her again about all this tonight. It's really important to get it sorted out soon. I'm in the military, and I'm getting ready to leave on an overseas assignment for the next several months. I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure here, not having any sex for over a year and about to become a geographical bachelor for an extended period. Meanwhile, I know for a fact she'll stay on the lookout for a new GF while I'm gone.

Other bits of info: We don't have any kids, so that's not an issue. Regarding her lack of interest in a MFF threesome, she's openly admitted she won't do it because she'd get jealous. But the last couple girls she has dated weren't interested in men anyway,

Thanks again for all the help, everyone. :)

[darkeyes]

Sweetheart.. I am not the kind of lesbian who thinks all bi girls are gay.. or that they shud b... cos quite simply they aren't. Peeps shud b what they r and it isn't always easy for us to come to know what we are or to terms with it or what it means.... and I hope for ur sake any suspicion of mine or ne 1 else on that score is wrong. I want everyone happy and to live their lives content and at peace fully aware as far as they can be of the kind of person they are.. and I want it for u.. and she. I wish u gud luck and every happiness and truly hope that u work it out so that every 1 is happy, content and at peace. I hate misery and despair.. Ive had and been through the mill with it. I would be a bitch and a hard person indeed if I wished that on anyone:).

[Mr. Suck]

I agree with the posts or comments that it sounds as though she is finally realizing that she's lesbian, or is lesbian but does not want to accept it. This is not to say that people both men and women cannot be bisexual as my husband and I both are bisexual but in order to be bisexual you have to be actually sexually attracted to both genders and it sounds as though your wife is not sexually attracted to men or you at all since she won't have sex with you or will maybe once or a few times a year, but will willingly have sex with a woman. My partner and I have met gay men who were once married to women and they described their relationship and sex life while married to a woman the way you do with your wife-sex maybe once or a few times a year just to make their spouse happy, and lots of excuses why they didn't want to have sex all while they would go out and freely have sex with the same gender with no problem at all.

[bityme]

Other than the problems with sex, my wife is a wonderful spouse. She supports me in everything from my career endeavors to my hobbies, and she is a caring and compassionate person that has helped me through many tough times.She is a truly beautiful person inside and out.

I'm going to sit down and talk with her again about all this tonight. It's really important to get it sorted out soon. I'm in the military, and I'm getting ready to leave on an overseas assignment for the next several months. I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure here, not having any sex for over a year and about to become a geographical bachelor for an extended period. Meanwhile, I know for a fact she'll stay on the lookout for a new GF while I'm gone.


You may have more of a problem than you are aware of.

No matter how good a wife she is in all other areas, the lack of a sexual relationship will cause more and more problems as time goes on. Unless you are willing to live a priestly life, your best option, and probably the only safe one, is a divorce and the sooner the better.

Being in the military, you are subject to military law. Even if you come to an agreement that you can have a girl friend on the side, you would only make yourself vulnerable to her changes in mood and demands. Any sex for you outside marriage (with a male or a female) is a courts martial offense. If she gets upset, all she has to d is contact your superiors and your goose is cooked. Even claiming that you had an agreement means nothing because the military doesn't recognize such agreements. Of course, she is free to do as she pleases because she is not subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Check with one of the legal officers on base about this problem. You don't have to mention her bisexuality, just say there is a lack of sex due to the health problems and you want to know what your liabilities would be if you got some on the side.

The longer your marriage lasts, the more interest she will build in your pension benefits, etc.

[Bishyguy1958]

I'm in the reverse situation. I'm the bi one, and despite the fact I've never cheated on her, she doesn't want to have sex with me. Lean on us if you need to. You're not alone.

[CadianTrooper]

Thank you all for the input and advice!

I've spoken more with my wife about the issue and she told me more about her recent gf relationships that she hadn't mentioned before. Many of the times she was with her gf she says they weren't able to do much sexually. She says that not just intercourse, but mere arousal causes severe pain. (Health issue is lichen sclerosis) So all those times she slept in the other bedroom with her gf there wasn't much hankypanky, and especially no sex to merely spite me.

We had a long talk, held each other and cried more than a little. There was a lot of misunderstandings on both our parts and a lot of presuppositions by me. I truly think things will get better between us now.

Thanks again for all who have showed me concern and support. :-)

[Young pussy and dope]

Look into getting a divorce and consult an excellent lawyer. It sounds as though your wife is actually a lesbian and she's not bisexual and never has been at all. Think about yourself first.