Do you consider me bi?

[wifeandibi]

No, I don't think it's a terribly silly question because I've been wandering the net trying to answer the question myself and depending on where I go, I get different answers. Just to clear things up a bit, I do know what I like and what I don't, and in the "black and white" definition of bi, I AM bi because I can have sex with men and women and enjoy both (I am the male in the couple).

The line blurs when it comes to my preferences of sex with another man. Thats just it, I like the sex. Outside of the bedroom I have no desire for the hand holding, kissing or general "tokens of affection" stuff that I enjoy with my wife. In fact I don't enjoy kissing a man in or out of the bedroom. I very much enjoy oral and anal sex with a man (both giving and receiving), but once its over, I'm pretty much done . . . let's go have a beer and hang out or whatever, but I'm not a snuggler.

Now please, I'm not here to incur any kind of wrath from anyone, I'm simply asking for what you kind folks think. My wife and I both enjoy sex with same sex partners (although she is more open to the affectionate aspects), and we have been in threesome situations where all partners enjoyed all partners equally, both FMF and MFM. We have also participated in FF and MM on our own as well. We have been together for a little over 8 years, but we did not reveal this side of ourselves to each other until a couple of years ago, and we feel that we've become closer and stronger as a couple as a result of having done so.

In response to this question that I have asked quite sincerely in several places, I have been told that:

1) I'm really gay and I just can't come to terms with it
2) I can't possibly be bi OR gay because of my unwillingness to be "romantic" with a man
3) That I'm just a whore because I just want what feels good to me without regard for anyone elses feelings (furthest thing from the truth)
4) (This comment came from an individual - a rather angry one) That I was a complete pig because I had stooped to "acting bi" just so I could get my wife to participate in a FMF threesome

The fact of the matter is, I sincerely enjoy sex with another man, and if asked to make a choice between a MFM or a FMF threesome, I'd probably go with the MFM.

Now before it gets too far out of hand, I don't mean to sound as though we are rutting animals. Our threesome and "outside" experiences are minimal and the majority of our sex life is only with each other, but we do try to find time to continue to pursue this part of our characters.

Having browsed through the site and the forum a bit, we've enjoyed seeing the realistic and honest viewpoints expressed here, and simply ask for your realistic and honest opinion here.

Thank you . . . oh, and Hi! First post ever!

EJ

[DiamondDog]

EJ,
you are just "sexual" with men, and sexual and romantic with women.
That's all. I am just going by what you wrote.

Anyway,
there are many different types of bisexuals:

you like men AND women sexually AND romantically
you like men sexually only; you like women sexually and romantically
you like women sexually only; you like men sexually and romantically

or some people (such as myself) kinda eschew labels altogther or just see "bi" as a social/political label. Or a fair ammount identify as "queer" or being outside the traditional definitions of sexuality and gender.

welcome to the boards, we're a friendly bunch here.

[tom_uk]

No, I don't think it's a terribly silly question

1) I'm really gay and I just can't come to terms with it
2) I can't possibly be bi OR gay because of my unwillingness to be "romantic" with a man
3) That I'm just a whore because I just want what feels good to me without regard for anyone elses feelings (furthest thing from the truth)
4) (This comment came from an individual - a rather angry one) That I was a complete pig because I had stooped to "acting bi" just so I could get my wife to participate in a FMF threesome



First ever post - good one.....

oh if life was so simple; dont think there is a simple answer, i never know if i'm qaf (queer as fuck), bi or whatever.

now when i'm aksed or ask myself, it just say "i've no idea" - i dont thing anyone really knows but I tell myself "its ok not to know"

so my answer is 1,2,3, and 4 and a few others - but hey thats ok

tom_uk

[wifeandibi]

Thanks for the welcome and the polite answers! I was kinda holding my breath there.

[Long Duck Dong]

simple and bluntly,.... you are bisexual....you have sexual contact with males and females

now your job is to define the middle line and further define yourself

using the black / white arguement ( this is NOT about skin colour ), you can ask if you are black or white
some people may say you are black
some may say you are white
some may say you are black with white tendencies
some will say that you are a closet white in a black life

now you can be black, white or grey... its up to you...personally, I am bi, I sleep with males and females but can't develop a emotional bond with either..... and in my eyes, I am grey... I fill a area of both black and white, but not enuf of each to clearly say I am black or white

[ambi53mm]

Hi EJ,

I remember asking a similar question a few years back. It was a question that for my own personal satisfaction and curiosity that needed an answer. One website out of many I visited in my quest posed the question like this:

Am I bisexual?

(A) Do you find pictures of naked men erotic?

(B) Do you find pictures of naked women erotic?

(C) Do you find both pictures of naked men and women erotic?

I chose (C) which led me to another page that simply stated:

YOU ARE BISEXUAL!

It made sense to me. I found both erotic....but for the hell of it I went back and answered the question again , this time changeing my answer to (A)

Again it led me to the page that stated:

YOU ARE BISEXUAL!

It aroused my curiosity enough to back a third time and choose answer (B) and once again it stated:

YOU ARE BISEXUAL !

I left that site and continued on to many others before arriving here. Did a lot of reading and soul searching to a question that I guess at a deeper level I already knew what the answer would be.

I think back on occasion to that website and it's simplistic question and answer. It dawned on me one day that the answer to my question as to whether or not I was bi...was in my asking the question in the first place.

Based on the question you pose....and the old "takes one to know one" recognition LOL, my answer would have to be:

YOU ARE BISEXUAL! :bigrin:

Ambi :)

[glantern954]

It sounds like you know what you are. We all hear most of the same stuff you are mentioning. Bisexuality can be a difficult concept for some people to wrap their minds around. Try and be confident in the facts you know about yourself and don't feel like you have to explain yourself to every idiot who questions you. Sometimes you just have to say, "I'm sorry but I dont have the energy to make you understand it."

They could say these same things about your wife too.



1) I'm really gay and I just can't come to terms with it
2) I can't possibly be bi OR gay because of my unwillingness to be "romantic" with a man
3) That I'm just a whore because I just want what feels good to me without regard for anyone elses feelings (furthest thing from the truth)
4) (This comment came from an individual - a rather angry one) That I was a complete pig because I had stooped to "acting bi" just so I could get my wife to participate in a FMF threesome
EJ

[smokey]

The line blurs when it comes to my preferences of sex with another man. Thats just it, I like the sex. Outside of the bedroom I have no desire for the hand holding, kissing or general "tokens of affection" stuff that I enjoy with my wife. In fact I don't enjoy kissing a man in or out of the bedroom. I very much enjoy oral and anal sex with a man (both giving and receiving), but once its over, I'm pretty much done . . . let's go have a beer and hang out or whatever, but I'm not a snuggler.


I am the exact same way and I am very Bi, no if's ands or butts. though as I have aged (50 now) I find that I can actually consider a longterm relationship with another man instead of just sex, but he would have to be really special.

[jedinudist]

Only you can determine this. Don't apply the definitions of others to yourself. You are the only person qualified to say if you are or are not any given orientation.

I wish you luck on your journey :)

[Nara_lovely]

Similar to what Jedi wrote.... be comfortable being who you are, not the label.

Is the deeper question more like, "Will the Bi's in here accept me for being me? Even if I am not sure of myself?" Pretty damn sure the answer is YES!

So...welcome!

[littlerayofsunshine]

Bi has many levels and it's own meaning to each person that claims the label of bi.
The only thing black and white about it is it's name bi-sexual, both sexes. Now how it applies to you, is up to you. It's just the way you are. I have learned of the many ways people are bi, And I think its terrific. And the people here are so accepting and understanding. You are in a wonderful place, and I'm glad to have you here. So welcome!! :bigrin:


p.s. Me and hubby are both bi. We both have different aspects of being bi that make us who we are. I am the emotional/physical one, and he is just physical. So I totally understand.

[Azrael]

Meh- gay, straight, bi- they're all just titles we use to deconstruct human sexuality to being something less complex than it actually is. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I'm involved with another bi guy I really like, but he's established that ours must be a monogamous pairing. I will, of course respect his wishes, as I have never cheated and never will. I don't see myself getting bored with him anytime soon, but I know at some point I'm going to start to miss being with women. I'm almost afraid to get attached because I don't want to hurt this beautiful man. I intend to be honest about my apprehensions so they don't eat away at me. I've never cared for the "if you're with me you're mine" mentality, but that's me. Hmm, where am I going with this? Oh yeah, you are a bisexual, and that will give you as many questions as answers. Remember, the answers lie within oneself. Find that quiet thoughtful space and all should be well.

[tink1978]

EJ,

I personally think you are BI why? because you would not be asking the question. Just because you are not romantic with men does not mean that you are any less BI than I am or anyone else on this site. If you enjoy the company of men and women in the bed room you are BI. The only people that I have encountered that say that you are really gay and just in the closet are gay's. I think the bigger question is are you monogamous or polygamous (the ability to love more than one person at the same time). But all of these question have answers that live inside of you. Again if you feel or think you are BI then you are.

Tink

Being a BI woman I have come across straight men who are not romantic, so that does not mean anything.
:bibounce: :2cents:

[billy_campbell]

My best friend of 32 years is a bisexual female. I am a bisexual male. She was the first person to ever tell me that while she loves sex with another woman she could never and has never been romantically involved with a woman. I am the same way about men. I love the sex but have no desired to have a romantic relationship with another man. One of our best friends is a bisexual lady and we have both had sex with her and she also feels the same way.

[Herbwoman39]

Oh sweetie...I know what it's like to be where you are. You are not who you sleep with. But you are who YOU choose to label yourself as.

Remember that sex is not intimacy, nor is intimacy sex. If you choose not to be intimate with some of your partners during or after sex, there is nothing wrong with that. It is simply your preference. That's one of the many wonderful things about being human. We're all individuals.

And yes, you're Bi. :)

[mistymockingbird]

It sounds like you know what you are. We all hear most of the same stuff you are mentioning. Bisexuality can be a difficult concept for some people to wrap their minds around. Try and be confident in the facts you know about yourself and don't feel like you have to explain yourself to every idiot who questions you. Sometimes you just have to say, "I'm sorry but I dont have the energy to make you understand it."

Amen to that. Darlin, you sound like you know exactly what you're all about. So just be comfortable in that. Don't let anyone else put you in a box. Labels are simply a way for people to make snap judgements without getting to know a person or attempting to understand a situation.

And for the record, I'm the same way. I love sex with women, but am not interested in a relationship with a woman, never have been. All of my relationships have been with men. I think its great that you and your wife are able to be open with each other about your desires. Congrats on that and welcome to the community.

[wifeandibi]

Thanks all, for all the great comments! No, the question wasn't really designed to answer a question for me. I'm bi, no two ways (no pun intended, but thats just funny) about it. I'm just a bi guy with his own set of preferences. I mostly just wanted to see what you all thought about it and your responses have been great, so thanks again!

[orpheus_lost]

I'd say that you're bi, but it really doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks. What matters is that you and your wife enjoy yourselves and are happy at the end of the day. I'm not going to say the labels don't mean anything because they do. We have them so that our minds can catagorize different aspects of people and things in ways that make them easier to recall.

Personally, I would just choose the label that you feel most comfortable with. You'll still be the same person.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet."

[Polybear]

As many have already mentioned in their own ways, it certainly looks like the way you approach and define your sexuality is a perfectly valid way.

There is a visual that I sometimes mention among friends, that I take from being inside a meeting of the local bisexual discussion group in Toronto. If there is a group for a meeting of, say, 20 people, it's likely that the group of people define their own sexuality and relationship structures in possibly over a dozen ways. Every single one is right for them, as my own is right for me.

To look at it in a more personal sense, I have had relationships and sex with women, and sex with men, with only one man and I on a path to a relationship, in the last 25 years. I'm probably something like a 2.5 on the Klein scale. Some friends of mine have wondered if I would still play with other men, to which my reply would be something like "hell yeah". Recently at Pride I noticed a lot of appetizing male eye candy, of all shapes and ethnicities. My same-sex attractions are still there.

A label is perfectly fine, one that is self-defined, for you. You may wish not to label yourself, as I know some local friends of mine have decided.

Welcome to the site! :-)

[nyabn_webmaster]

If YOU consider yourself bisexual we'd tend to take YOUR word for it. :)

[Rhuth]

If YOU consider yourself bisexual we'd tend to take YOUR word for it. :)

Conversely if you were to consider yourself a bi-friendly straight guy, we would respect you as such too. You can pick your own labels and definitions as you see fit. We will respect your boundaries, and we look forward to your insights and input. Welcome!

*hugs*
Rhuth

[JrzGuy3]

This is interesting, as for a long time I felt the same way about me. Can I ask some questions?

Are you out as bisexual? In what arenae? Ie, friends- family, work, etc.
How long has it been since you came to terms with being attracted, at the very least physically, to men?
Do you think that you'd be comfortable going into (say) a bar and picking up a man as you would a woman?

Anyway, now more to the point. When I was first identifying as bisexual (early high school... some 5ish years ago) I was well aware that I was physically attracted to both men and women, though I felt only emotionally drawn to women. In retrospect, I think for me it was much more a degree of readiness. Let's look at a few points. For the record, I now feel that in a vacuum I could probably sustain a relationship with a man as well as with Jen.

First of all, we live in a society where it's far easier (as a guy) to be attracted to/involved with women. Bisexuality, by nature, is far easier to hide than homosexuality; you are ~50% free to love and be with openly whom you wish. I think that many of us, in our questioning phase, learn to favor our "straight side" (to compartmentalize bisexuality). This causes (some of) us to develop a deeply internalized subconcious distaste for homosexuality. Admittidely, I'm still getting over mine. But I think that many men whom say "I can have sex with men but I can't love them" would fall into this category.

How do you get past this? Well keep in mind that I said I'd personally be equally able to hold a relationship with a man as with my girlfriend in a vacuum. This overlooks several key factors:

-I have portions of my family I'm still closetted to, and will remain that way for the forseeable future.

-My parents, particularly my Mom, would have an incredibly hard time dealing with me having a boyfriend, and I have no desire to go back to the relationship strain we had just after I came out.

-I like having access to a full complimentary set of sexual organs/features for fun and reproductive purposes.

So how do you get past internalized homophobia? Well, you come out to everyone you know, friends, family. Talk about being bi like straight people make heteronormative comments (all the fucking time). Celebrate your attraction for men. And do this ALL for a prolonged period of time to acclimate to it.

If you've got family you wouldn't be able to share a relationship with a man with, if you wouldn't be comfortable making comments such as "my boyfriend" at work, if you have a STRONG desire to pass on your genes, I doubt you'll never get away from the status quo.

[wifeandibi]

WOW . . .thats all I have to say. I'd never expected such insightful and intelligent responses as I have received in this ONE post. I suppose I had conditioned myself to the ignorant and hateful responses I had received in so many others, so let me begin by saying THANK YOU!!!

You people are wonderful!


Wow, to "define" me, well, that would be hard (again, no pun intended). I have come "out" to my wife and to one or two select friends. Our activities in the swinger lifestyle alone, let alone express that I participate in MM behaviour, have left me loathe to express anything further to anyone.

I have long been an advocate of same sex coupling, either male or female, while still maintaining an "air" of heterosexuality. I've never downed anyone for their feelings and sure as hell not going to start now. In fact my best friend in the world (and first MM partner) is publicly and completely gay.

I suppose most of it comes from upbringing and that kinda crap. I'm 37 years old, and I ought to be over it, but quite frankly, never started exploring it until about 3 years ago. The urges have always been there, and the curiosities as well, but I was never truly moved until a man came in my mouth (sorry if that was a bit over the top) . . .but that just turned me on to no end. I'd had no idea of the pleasures of anal sex before and my friend mentioned above introduced me to that as well.

I am like any man, and enjoy seeing my wife with another woman and being with both of them as well, but I think that I cannot go wrong with enjoying the company of whomever is in the room, be they male or female . . ..and I do, I truly do.

I just want to thank you all for you most important imput, and I cannot wait to continue to participate in this board.

Great job you folks!!

EJ

[hillwalker54]

WOW . . .thats all I have to say. I'd never expected such insightful and intelligent responses as I have received in this ONE post. I suppose I had conditioned myself to the ignorant and hateful responses I had received in so many others, so let me begin by saying THANK YOU!!!

You people are wonderful!


Wow, to "define" me, well, that would be hard (again, no pun intended). I have come "out" to my wife and to one or two select friends. Our activities in the swinger lifestyle alone, let alone express that I participate in MM behaviour, have left me loathe to express anything further to anyone.

I have long been an advocate of same sex coupling, either male or female, while still maintaining an "air" of heterosexuality. I've never downed anyone for their feelings and sure as hell not going to start now. In fact my best friend in the world (and first MM partner) is publicly and completely gay.

I suppose most of it comes from upbringing and that kinda crap. I'm 37 years old, and I ought to be over it, but quite frankly, never started exploring it until about 3 years ago. The urges have always been there, and the curiosities as well, but I was never truly moved until a man came in my mouth (sorry if that was a bit over the top) . . .but that just turned me on to no end. I'd had no idea of the pleasures of anal sex before and my friend mentioned above introduced me to that as well.

I am like any man, and enjoy seeing my wife with another woman and being with both of them as well, but I think that I cannot go wrong with enjoying the company of whomever is in the room, be they male or female . . ..and I do, I truly do.

I just want to thank you all for you most important imput, and I cannot wait to continue to participate in this board.

Great job you folks!!

EJ


I'm new here and so glad i read this post EJ!!

My desires and limits are the same as yours. Huge desires to sensually/sexually be with a male but no romantic interests. Just folks together giving and receiving pleasure to one another, what could be better!

HW

[OralBiGuy]

Wifeandibi: I'm so glad you created this post. I've been having a struggle in my head about what/who I am for decades. The thing that I found most helpful is simply putting it out there, asking questions, sharing my thoughts and feelings; like you did. I had to fish around for awhile, but was lucky to discover people who expressed similar feelings. Thus, they've encouraged me to 'go4it'. ;)

The replies here have been very helpful to me too!

Am I bi? I think so, even though 95% of my sexual contacts over the last 20+ years has been same sex (M/M) - I've fantasized endlessly about M/F sexual contact; looked at straight porn/bi-porn; here I am very determined to LIVE and experience what has existed inside of me for so long.

I'm new here, so getting my feet wet and hoping to obtain useful information and suggestions from those of you whom have been living comfortably as bisexual men and women.

Believe me, I'm very, very happy to have discovered this forum. Thanks to a search on Tom Robinson's (bothways.com) for lyrics and such, I found a link to here. Awesome!!

[Azrael]

Never too late to know yourself. Best of luck on your endeauvor.

[FalconAngel]

I've heard all of those about bisexuals at some point or another in my life. And I've been bi my whole life. I'm the Bi half of a M/O couple; my wife is straight.

I've had both gay and straight guys (as well as a few ladies - gay and straight) say that Bisexuals don't really exist; they are just confused gays or they are just experimenting or discovering that they are really gay. I've been told that by a few of my friends in the past that have known that I'm Bi.

I had one friend, who didn't know that I was Bi, say that only women can be Bi (is that a load of crap or what?) and any guy that claims he is bi is actually gay. Of course, that guy was an ex cop with an Andrew Dice Clay attitude towards everyone.

As a Bisexual, I personally love to kiss and cuddle both men and women. In the past, when I was with a man in a M/M couple situation, I treat the encounter just the same as when I am with a woman. I know that I have the capacity to be somewhat romantically involved with men, but I do not seek that kind of thing. I much prefer to be emotionally attached to women.

As others have said; there are varying degrees of bisexuality and I have met up with most of them. My first male lover thought he was straight, till he discovered that I was Bi and began asking questions about it. After we graduated high school, he came out of the closet as Gay. In my journeys, I have had lovers that were both gay and every variation of Bi and it has been a great trip.

So revel in your bisexuality, no matter what type bisexual you are, and don't let anyone put any labels on you that you are not comfortable with.

Chris
(Chris and Eleanor)

[abc1234]

i was initially in the opposite boat as u WIFEANDI, it was ok for me to be emotionally involved with guys, but i had a HUGE problem with being at the receiving end of anal sex. and i hated giving blowjobs. but as i have matured and by partners have matured i have become more comfortable with both things. i used to consider "taking it up the ass as something only for gays and women", i thought i was straight as long as i dint do those two things. i have seen that i was stupid and wrong to think that way. but as most bi and gay guys don’t like to be on top anyway i get to be in the position i like more most of the times :tongue: