HELP!!!!

[cupcakes]

so I am bi. I am a married female who just came to terms with it. I have been with women before, but it was with my husband there and involved. it all came to a big blow up when i fell hard for a girl who i thought would be fun to have as an extra in our bedroom. Turns out my husband was really into her too. So into her, in fact, that they decided to have a session alone, as in with out me, with out my knowledge, in my house, in my bed. That is, they both cheated on me. so now, here I am, a bisexual woman who cannot have a relationship with another woman without my husband because that would be cheating and im not willing to stoop down to that level. I cant have another woman with HIM because I dont trust him. I cant have HER because she says she feels like she screwed everything up. yea im messed up, i still want her. i know its horrible. I just dont know what to do. Do I just say forget it and fight the urges, do I talk to my husband and explain to him I want this but I dont want him involved or there or there but not touching, which is not fair at all to him. I am just so confused on what to do. please dont judge me. Ive been put though the ringer enough with this whole situation. i dont have the best self esteem. and for this to happen just makes me spiral deeper. so any advice would be welcomed. Thanks.

[Plumhead2]

Look, I know that there will be some very good advice coming from members of this community. However, in addition, I would strongly urge you and your husband to get some professional help from a competent counselor who has experience with bisexual issues. You and your husband need to talk and you need to have it monitored and the discussions supervised by a counselor who can help both of you understand what is going on and how to move forward. There is nothing wrong with you. You both are in a situation in which emotions and psyches have been tipped one way and you need to have someone help both of you get back into balance. Please take my advice and please let us in this community know how things work out.

[cupcakes]

I have tried to get him to go to a counselor with me, he refuses. says it wont do any good. I appreciate your advice, and i thank you for it. He is very persistent that counseling will not do any good. he can handle anything and he wont do it again and it will be different......but i just think he's totally full of BS.....

[tenni]

Hi

If your husband won't go with you to counselling, why not go on your own? I agree make sure that it is with a counsellor who is bisexual positive in their approach. It seems to me that the boundaries were broken and your husband is trying to hold all the cards away from you. There seems to be some control issues involved.

[Swirl]

I like what tenni said about going yourself for counsel. You are calling for help at this time. Keep calling and you'll get it.

What Plumhead said, who suggested the counseling originally, that you're in deep emotional and psychic territory could not be more true.

Nothing wrong at all with how you feel -there rarely is, it's just how you feel. Now, how you act is a whole nuther story.

My understanding of opening up relationships is that a common mistake is that folk don't talk enough in advance and lay down rules. I'll never forget my Dad and stepmother having the exact experience as yours. I actually witnessed the shoe fly by that she hurled at him with enough force that it broke his finger:yikes2:. Deep emotional and psychic territory indeed.

I'm sorry you must go through this. You're doing the right thing by calling out. You'll be ok.

[CuriousTexxxan]

Husband's tend to use the excuse that it will not help just to avoid the embarrassment of having to go to a stranger and talk about a sex life that most counselors will have a hard time understanding. Not to mention he is bound to be run through the ringer by the Counselor for cheating in the first place and I'm sure he knows it.

Your friend is probably honestly regretful, but that doesn't excuse her for betraying your friendship. Your husband though, as most guys do, is more than likely hoping it will all just go away. Us guys tend to stick to the theory that if we ignore a bad situation long enough it will get better. Take it from me, this particular strategy doesn't always work.

Basically your husband has really screwed up. He had the best of both worlds and gave that up for a one nighter.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[cupcakes]

Husband's tend to use the excuse that it will not help just to avoid the embarrassment of having to go to a stranger and talk about a sex life that most counselors will have a hard time understanding. Not to mention he is bound to be run through the ringer by the Counselor for cheating in the first place and I'm sure he knows it.

Your friend is probably honestly regretful, but that doesn't excuse her for betraying your friendship. Your husband though, as most guys do, is more than likely hoping it will all just go away. Us guys tend to stick to the theory that if we ignore a bad situation long enough it will get better. Take it from me, this particular strategy doesn't always work.

Basically your husband has really screwed up. He had the best of both worlds and gave that up for a one nighter.

Good luck and keep us updated.

Do all guys think this way? cause I swear this is EXACTLY the way he thinks! i mean exact.

I have called a counselor that specializes in bisexual relationships. Im going to go myself. hopefully eventually i can get hubs to go, but i dont know. I guess we will see.

As far as rules...there were rules set. rules HE made. biggest one he made was we NEVER play alone. NEVER. He broke his own rule. Thats what hurts the most. its ok for him....

[bi4asplay]

I hate to agree with Texxxan, but he is dead on. We men do have a habit of egnore and it will go away. It never goes away and most often festers.Glad that you are going to seek help. Good for you. Hopefullu you are strong enough for the both of you.He seems a little weak. in the ethics dept..

[CuriousTexxxan]

Do all guys think this way? cause I swear this is EXACTLY the way he thinks! i mean exact.

I have called a counselor that specializes in bisexual relationships. Im going to go myself. hopefully eventually i can get hubs to go, but i dont know. I guess we will see.

As far as rules...there were rules set. rules HE made. biggest one he made was we NEVER play alone. NEVER. He broke his own rule. Thats what hurts the most. its ok for him....

I guess there are always exceptions to the rule, but most guys would rather ignore the situation. Really is not that we wouldn't like to fix it, but sometimes life gets so screwed up that we're just at a loss of what to do in order to straighten it out.

I went through a similar situation with my wife and best friend at the time. My wife and I often talked about having a threesome while having sex, and would regularly become very specific in our fantasy by actually naming mutual friends of ours in the discussions. This particular foreplay activity finally faded away over time, but several years later my wife brought it back up and got very specific in regards to focusing her fantasy on just my best friend.

I agreed that we would pursue it and actually spoke to him about it. Our sex life during this time had never been better and we were screwing like teenagers again. About 3 weeks transpired and I become suspicious that she had been texting him nude pictures of herself. When I confronted her about it she denied everything. I found out shortly thereafter that she had lied and that's when I told her that I no longer wanted to pursue the threesome with him. She immediately stopped discussing the situation and just clammed up. It wasn't till several months later that I found out she had indeed went ahead and had an affair with him anyways. This was almost more than I could handle at the time.

Like your husband, she had often told me to my face that she would never cheat on me. Ever!! And I truly believed her. We did go to counseling once but found that to be a waste of our time. I'm not telling you not to go to counseling because everyone's situation is different, but it just didn't work for us.

The only thing that saved our marriage was when we finally sat down one night and talked openly to one another about what had happened over a beer. That discussion is what opened the door to us being able to communicate honestly to each other. We have now come to understand each other better and our sex life has never been better.

I'm not sure if any of this helps or not, but hopefully it will let you know that even situations that seem hopeless can have a bright side.

[cupcakes]

I hate to agree with Texxxan, but he is dead on. We men do have a habit of egnore and it will go away. It never goes away and most often festers.Glad that you are going to seek help. Good for you. Hopefullu you are strong enough for the both of you.He seems a little weak. in the ethics dept..

And fester it has! he just makes me so mad. I asked again if he would go with me and he said no. reason: I dont want to. then asked me why I dont like tomatoes to which he wanted an answer of I just dont. but what he got was a detailed answer of why i dont like tomatoes. then I asked again, why? I got I dont want to. I think im just gonna go and talk to this dr and see what she has to say. Im not strong. Not at all. thats what scares me. we've been together for 18 years and I was the strongest person ever before we were married, independent and took care of me. Ive gotten use to being a stay home mom for the past 10 years and now i dont know how to go about doing things. He left me for a few weeks, saying he couldnt handle my reactions to him cheating on me. and a few weeks later, when i told him i was tired of this whole mess that if he wanted to come home he'd better ask soon because the longer he was away the easier it was getting for me to move on. He didnt like that. I could tell. he said he was going to ask that night if he could come back home. my kids see the tension and i know its not good for them. I dont want them to see the fighting, i dont want them to see the sexual "playing" either. I want them to grow up and make up their own minds. does any of this make sense? Im just so confused. i dont understand why hubs doesnt want to help me with this.

[CuriousTexxxan]

And fester it has! he just makes me so mad. I asked again if he would go with me and he said no. reason: I dont want to. then asked me why I dont like tomatoes to which he wanted an answer of I just dont. but what he got was a detailed answer of why i dont like tomatoes. then I asked again, why? I got I dont want to. I think im just gonna go and talk to this dr and see what she has to say. Im not strong. Not at all. thats what scares me. we've been together for 18 years and I was the strongest person ever before we were married, independent and took care of me. Ive gotten use to being a stay home mom for the past 10 years and now i dont know how to go about doing things. He left me for a few weeks, saying he couldnt handle my reactions to him cheating on me. and a few weeks later, when i told him i was tired of this whole mess that if he wanted to come home he'd better ask soon because the longer he was away the easier it was getting for me to move on. He didnt like that. I could tell. he said he was going to ask that night if he could come back home. my kids see the tension and i know its not good for them. I dont want them to see the fighting, i dont want them to see the sexual "playing" either. I want them to grow up and make up their own minds. does any of this make sense? Im just so confused. i dont understand why hubs doesnt want to help me with this.


I know it's none of my business, but are you SURE the affair is actually over with? The whole moving out because he doesn't like your reaction sounds a little suspicious from my stand point. I'm not saying this is the case, but just don't be too nieve the second go around.

I really hate to air to much out publicly, but would be happy to discuss it in a PM.

[Annika L]

Wow, this is a rarity, but I think I agree with everything that's been said so far.

Cupcakes, I'm so sorry you had this experience (I always hate to see cake of any kind in distress *smile*).

You totally need counseling from someone who specializes in LGBT issues...particularly bi and poly issues in this case. But your husband's refusal to participate in therapy sounds like utter BS...he fucked up, but won't take responsibility or doesn't care enough about your marriage to try to work things out.

But all of your concerns make perfect sense. So does the fact that even though this girl hurt you, your heart still wants her...but you need to be strong with yourself on that. She is responsible for what she did, and that means she cannot be trusted. I agree with Texan that your husband also may not be trustworthy...he certainly isn't acting respectfully toward you.

Very best wishes!

[Young pussy and dope]

Do all guys think this way? cause I swear this is EXACTLY the way he thinks! i mean exact. I have called a counselor that specializes in bisexual relationships. Im going to go myself. hopefully eventually i can get hubs to go, but i dont know. I guess we will see. As far as rules...there were rules set. rules HE made. biggest one he made was we NEVER play alone. NEVER. He broke his own rule. Thats what hurts the most. its ok for him.... There are women who also think this way. When people think of sex with other people as "Play" this is what happens. What you are describing with having an open relationship or swinging and then one person or even both cheat on each other and lie about it is VERY common and I have never met a couple that was in an open relationship where this did not happen on some level or happen at least once. Go to a counselor and/or therapist since you and your husband have problems.

[Cheryl P]

Terrible situation, sorry to hear about it. My advice is to not forget about the kids. They almost certainly are aware of more than their parents think they are. Counselling for you can at least help you to help them get through this situation, and hopefully resolve it fast.

It seems that you got married quite young. Is your husband the same age? I don't mean to be negative, but given his resistance to working things out and how quickly he moved out, is it possible that this is his way of trying to end the marriage? It's cowardly for sure but it happens.

[cupcakes]

I am very sure the affair is not going on anymore. I have a "spy" for lack of a better word....reporting everything. both sides. him and her. could be sneaky on my part but quite frankly i dont care.

Annika L. I agree with you. He fucked up. shouldnt he have the balls to fix the problem? He says he loves me and never wanted to hurt me, (BS, he knew he was hurting me he just thought he wouldnt get caught). ive tried everything i know to fix it. constant lying, cheating, ive gotten to the point I dont even know this man. and it was like the more i find out the more i dont like, but the more i am with him the more i feel like this is all an act. cause i can still see the man i married in there quite a bit. even if he tries to hide it most of the time.

My kids!!! Oh my babies are so precious to me. I try to protect them from this. We never had her spend the night while they were here, we never done sexual things while they were around. We have hugged and kissed but it was like a peck good bye, and only me and her, hubs never did around the kids. they just think mommy and daddy are having some problems getting along and they dont really understand it, but they know there is something going on. Especially when my son draws pics of three stick people and says Me, Mommy, Sis. Dad isnt in the pic cause he dont live with us anymore. breaks my heart....but he is back in the home and he is trying to make up his time missed with the kids. he was gone at least a month. so he missed out on a month of my kids lives. thats something they will never forget. Something that cannot be made up. and something that will eventually be brought back up in hubs face. Hubs cant see that now, but he will. they will always look at him different for hurting mommy like he did.

we got married when I was 20 and he was 21. He doesnt take the blame for anything. he doesnt like to think he does anything wrong. His apology to me was "It happened, im sorry, get over it". then he had a month to think about what he said to me and gave me a better apology, but he blamed me for it. My fault. I didnt even want this to start with. Honestly, Hes the reason that I found my sexuality. he asked me about 3 years ago to swing. I thought he was crazy. that he wanted to cheat on me with my permission. he set the rules, never playing alone, never if both didnt agree to it, so on....so we tried it and I enjoyed a girl. and now i am. then he pulls this shit. really pisses me off.

so when i see the counselor, im gonna try to work on how to let go of my anger and my hate and learn to like myself, cause like most women who are cheated on i got the whole Im not good enough, im not pretty enough, im not sexy enough....etc... maybe i can learn to love me. I do think i deserve better. but it dont make it easy.

Am i nuts to stay friends with the girl? because we have talked and she has told me she loves me and cant live without me but thinks it best if we just stay friends for now and see where the future leads us.....UGH...can you feel the breakup? I dont want to lose her, so I agreed. am i just asking for heartache? is it any different than loving hubs and staying with him? i know i cant have her and him together. and I know i cant have her alone. so i guess friendship is what i have to settle with. I just have a feeling that if I found someone else she would get very jealous. and there is one girl that would absolutely kill her with jealousy...and i do have a chance with her....i just dont want that. i just dont know what to do.

[tenni]

I suspect that this is not on your thoughts but I thought that I would ask. If he had come to you and asked to spend time with her alone, would you have accepted it?

In some respects, I wonder if you might both be willing to spend time with her on your own without each other? There is probably too much pain to go down that road though.

I don't think that your are nuts to try to stay friends with her. If you still have feelings for her, work through those feelings with the counsellor and maybe her. Just based on what you have written, I think that most of your pain and discomfort is coming from your relationship with him.

[cupcakes]

If he would have come to me and said I would like to spend time alone with her, I would have sit down and discussed it with him seeing if he would be ok with me being alone with her. He said he didnt want to be alone with her, he always wanted me to be with him, which we know to be a lie now, but thats what he said. I had plenty of opportunities to fool around with her because we were alone quite a bit. but its not what my husband and I agreed upon so I didnt do it. had I known he'd say fuck the rules, then maybe i would have too, but he asked me not to so I didnt. I respected his wishes. and it really pisses me off that he could do that to me. and you are completely right, my problem is with him, not her. the reason, we didnt discuss the rules with her. HE knew them, HE should have stuck to them, HE chose to ignore them....and now HE wont help me through this. I have been dealing with this on my own for so long....i have gotten to the point that i just dont expect anything from him anymore.

[Mr. Suck]

I don't think you should stay friends with that woman or have anything to do with her. Don't get with the other woman you posted about simply to make the other woman who your husband cheated on you with jealous or angry. Instead just stay single or get over your relationship with both your husband and the other woman.

[cupcakes]

Mr Suck....i agree. Im not the kind of person to "show off" so to speak. I dont know if I can stay away from her though....she holds a piece of my heart...

[Gearbox]

Did your husband know about your feelings for this woman before he had 1-1 with her? Did you know the woman before you started the 3somes?

These 3somes don't sound very much like your typical 'just sexy fun' arrangements where the 3rd is mainly a fuckbud who keeps her social & love life apart from yours. It sounds more like polyamory where all involved get emotionally intimate as well as sexually. As far as I can tell, the 'No 1-1!' rule is set to quash any chance of an intimacy between either two partners and the 3rd happening. But that ship sailed before your hubby 'cheated'.
You spent a lot of time alone with her and even though you didn't have 1-1 sex with her, I doubt your hubby didn't view that as a threat to your feelings for him. He may even view that as 'cheating'? He could also have assumed that the two of you were not able to keep your hands off each other?

He went and had 1-1 sex with her despite his own rule, maybe because in his mind you had broken the rule first? (Am NOT putting blame on you! Just pondering the why's of it!)
He knew it would hurt you because he was hurt too? He knew it would mess things up, and that's what he intended to do?

Your hubby isn't very good at talking about his emotions, and he's prob not very good at dealing with them either. The last thing he'd want to do is express his fears and guilt to a councilor. He couldn't even express them to you when he obviously should have. It could have saved you all this mess.
What you could do is try to talk with (not at) him about how he viewed the relationship, pointing out each stage along the way and ask how HE felt about it. Things like, "How did you feel about Lady X coming over for coffee when you wasn't here?". Be honest and tell him how you felt about each stage too! If your aiming to fix your marriage, drop all notions of 'guilty partner' and put them aside for a while. You both need to know what went on in each others heads. You know what happened already, so you just want the why's. Focus on that!;)

[hasty1]

Hi, I've tried to avoid posting, as a straight woman here my thoughts are not always welcome but I'm wondering if there may be a possibility for a poly relationship? To be clear, it's not my preference for my relationship, unless it happens organically we find a guy we both feel the same way about. I'm no avodcate of poly relationships, but you both seem to have fallen for her and it seems as though the feeling is mutual. Perhaps there might be something worth discussing in this, and of course counselling should help too, annd don't forget how healing time can be. It's just a thought, but as no one else was mentioning it I thought I would.

[cupcakes]

Did your husband know about your feelings for this woman before he had 1-1 with her? Did you know the woman before you started the 3somes?

These 3somes don't sound very much like your typical 'just sexy fun' arrangements where the 3rd is mainly a fuckbud who keeps her social & love life apart from yours. It sounds more like polyamory where all involved get emotionally intimate as well as sexually. As far as I can tell, the 'No 1-1!' rule is set to quash any chance of an intimacy between either two partners and the 3rd happening. But that ship sailed before your hubby 'cheated'.
You spent a lot of time alone with her and even though you didn't have 1-1 sex with her, I doubt your hubby didn't view that as a threat to your feelings for him. He may even view that as 'cheating'? He could also have assumed that the two of you were not able to keep your hands off each other?

He went and had 1-1 sex with her despite his own rule, maybe because in his mind you had broken the rule first? (Am NOT putting blame on you! Just pondering the why's of it!)
He knew it would hurt you because he was hurt too? He knew it would mess things up, and that's what he intended to do?

Your hubby isn't very good at talking about his emotions, and he's prob not very good at dealing with them either. The last thing he'd want to do is express his fears and guilt to a councilor. He couldn't even express them to you when he obviously should have. It could have saved you all this mess.
What you could do is try to talk with (not at) him about how he viewed the relationship, pointing out each stage along the way and ask how HE felt about it. Things like, "How did you feel about Lady X coming over for coffee when you wasn't here?". Be honest and tell him how you felt about each stage too! If your aiming to fix your marriage, drop all notions of 'guilty partner' and put them aside for a while. You both need to know what went on in each others heads. You know what happened already, so you just want the why's. Focus on that!;)

Actually, no he didn't know the extent, as I didnt either until all this happened. Yes we knew her before the 3some started. She was my best friend. He encouraged me to spend a lot of time with her in hopes I would allow a 3some. The farthest we ever went was me and her with him watching, and that only happened once. he never touched her more than kissing her and rubbing her. While I was around there was no "fingering" but he did play with her breasts. but thats all that ever happened when I was there. I wanted to go slow with her and make sure its something that we both could enjoy together. As far as us keeping our hands off each other we did spend a lot of time alone, maybe he did feel a little left out. maybe he thought it would be ok for him to do this. but then why not just say I wanna take it to the next level instead of hiding it from me? i was there when hubs told her he was not leaving me for her ever, so the part that he wanted to do it to hurt the marriage dont make sense to me, but then again its just words.

I kept telling him when we started this whole thing that he had to communicate with me about every aspect of it. EVERYTHING he felt. or it wouldnt work. I told him that so many times. either he decided to say fuck it im not talking to her about anything, or he is just unable to communicate about feelings or anything else for that matter. Ive tried to talk to him (not at) but he clams up. i do believe his guilt gets to him and he cant do it. IDK, i am gonna see the counselor and see if I cant figure this whole mess out. with or without him. Thank you for this, its made me think a little.


Hi, I've tried to avoid posting, as a straight woman here my thoughts are not always welcome but I'm wondering if there may be a possibility for a poly relationship? To be clear, it's not my preference for my relationship, unless it happens organically we find a guy we both feel the same way about. I'm no avodcate of poly relationships, but you both seem to have fallen for her and it seems as though the feeling is mutual. Perhaps there might be something worth discussing in this, and of course counselling should help too, annd don't forget how healing time can be. It's just a thought, but as no one else was mentioning it I thought I would.

I would have loved a poly relationship with her. again thats why i wanted to go slow. not just jump in full force with something i didnt know if I was comfortable with. I already feel hubs wanted her more and he got what he wanted. just how he talked to her and how he constantly mentioned her and how when she was around he constantly had to be sitting with her or touching her or something. and Im sure she loved the attention too. I did bring it to attention telling him i was not comfortable with it and we needed to back off a little. but he wouldnt listen. I told him many times i felt that he would go behind my back and do it and he kept saying no never, he wanted me there....words....gah. I dont think i can ever have a poly relationsip with anyone. hell i dont even know if I can ever have a fling with someone because like i said before I dont want HIM in on it and i dont want want him left out. my confusion just hit a new level......

[darkeyes]

I agree in part with Gear.. but it seems to me the genie had been let out of the bottle but he wanted 2 get his oar in first.. he may not have gone out to get her or even thought of it maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect the seed was placed in his little mind when u showed a sexual interest.. it may even have been jealousy which made him decide to do so... but relationships, if we r talking poly, it isn't always about 3 people always have sex as a group and serpently shouldn't be for just the guy to get his end away alone with the women in the group.. it should be no big deal.. u all fancy each other and all want a little of each other, and therefore there should be no problem about having it as a group or each having it with each individually.. unfortunately there is.. who is to responsible for that I suspect all of u bear some for one reason or t'otha... talkie time is essential.. counselling? Have nev had the greatest of faith in counselling but if u feel it worth while then go ahead... if he wont talk and be up front then u have trouble and I'm not sure u have 2 much of a future..

Tell u wot me m8 did in a very similar situation 2 u.. against her better judgement she took the bit between the teeth and said lets just have an open marriage... he hummed and hawed... but eventually agreed... however, each time she came home from a date which wasnt often he wos in a foul mood.. never wos when he came home which wos much more often.. and he expected her to put off her previously arranged dates for his newly arranged cos of the children and got rite nowty if she didn't......seems wot wos sauce for the gender wosn't sauce for the goose... he didn't mind 'er playing as long as 'e wos there having his fun an' all and in the end they broke up and he had cheek 2 try and persuade 'er 2 agree to that... wich she didn't and walked away... there was just no future in it......

I am not saying poly can't work cos it can and does... but each person involved has 2 have the maturity, security, confidence and mind set to live with it... the slightest jealousy and ther is trouble.. and all 2 often it is the guys who can't handle it... the same can b sed of open relationships...just a word of caution for ya 2 mull over in ur mind...

[zigzig]

I got married recently so haven't experienced this type of situation. I can agree that the jealousy can be to blame. It's like you both wanted her, and had a fight for her heart. That's why I hope to be very opened, when me & my hubby will start to have 3somes or open relationships, because you need to be able to communicate with him openly. He can't just stay quiet and hope that your emotions & pain will go away.

[Young pussy and dope]

Your husband and the other woman you both were with do not sound as though they are mature enough or actual able to do the work required for a relationship. Find someone better than both of them and not the other chick you posted about either, be with someone because you and they want to be together not because you want them as a trophy wife/partner or to make an ex jealous.

[cupcakes]

Your husband and the other woman you both were with do not sound as though they are mature enough or actual able to do the work required for a relationship. Find someone better than both of them and not the other chick you posted about either, be with someone because you and they want to be together not because you want them as a trophy wife/partner or to make an ex jealous.

Im not trying to make anyone jealous. I just mentioned I could. its not who I am. and telling me to find someone better after 18 years with my husband is a little far fetched. I love my husband and if I had to pick between being in a bi relationship with a girl or being with my husband, i will pick my husband. I know he has hurt me, but in the long run I have been able to focus on me and what I think and my likes, needs, and wants. I have learned a lot about ME. Im not afraid I cannot live with out him or support myself and my children financially, Ive done it. I dont want to live with out him. I dont want a trophy. I want a partner who will treat me with the respect and love i deserve.

[cupcakes]

Finally got my appointment with the counselor set up for monday!! Im really nervous. any advice????

[zigzig]

Just be calm. The counselor might give you a good advise! After the session you will not feel so stressed.
Good Luck!:)

[hasty1]

I've experienced counselling before, I'd say don't go with the expectation that you'll be given advice. This is how I perceived counselling before I went, but it's more subtle than that. The counsellor will explore with you the reasons for the way you're feeling and question your assumptions about various things meaning that, in essence, they facilitate you understanding yourself better. This is turn leads to more confidence in your thought processes. I experienced a life changing event when going through counselling some years ago. I was clinically depressed due to my ex husband being a complete control freak. He had got control of my time and my thought processes, because if I didn't do what he wanted, despite him not always expressing it (but I always found out afterwards!) then something 'bad' would happen. I was describing the latest incident in his control freakery to the counsellor, I was late home from a leisure activity and he was angry, and he decided to 'punish' me and our children by insisting that we all sat with him in a room, on a stiflingly hot day, watching tv that only he was interested in. My counsellor asked me what was I afraid would happen if I chose to ignore the 'punishment' This was a lightbulb moment, she asked a simple question but I realised that he actually had no real power over me, he'd put the idea in my head, or I'd allowed it, either way it was imaginary. This realisation eventually freed me from this abusive relationship, and it's something I still regularly ask myself. Changed my life, the understanding had to come from me, but the counsellor gave me the key to that understanding. Good luck with your counselling, just go and prepare to be honest and work on yourself, which may give you the tools to deal with this situation. I know that's exactly what happened to me. x

[tenni]

I agree with hasty and zigzip to a great extent. My personal experience has been that if it is a very serious safety factor (physical or emotional), the therapist will tell you point blank honestly their opinion at that particular moment of understanding you, your personality and how the relationship with the therapist is at that point of the process. The goal as hasty said is self discovery and self awareness. Some therapist tend to prefer certain theories but most customize the process for you and your issues.

[Bishyguy1958]

I've been to a councilor with my wife. It worked fairly well. Now I'm looking for a councilor near Syracuse, NY that knows how to council bisexuals.

[cupcakes]

the session went well. I have to go back again next week. She wants hubs to go. but he wont. I asked. she says without open communication a normal lifestyle wouldnt work, much less an open relationship. she was really nice. just getting a feel of the situation. she did ask some questions that I couldnt think of a single thing to say but I have NO CLUE....most of my answers consisted of "because it made him happy" or "to make him happy" and she asked me what about MY happiness....I just told her I hadnt though of myself in so long im not sure I know how. she said we will get you back. you seem to have lost yourself and you need to find you again. so hopefully we will do that....my diagnosis? anxiety panic disorder....nice....

[cupcakes]

I've been to a councilor with my wife. It worked fairly well. Now I'm looking for a councilor near Syracuse, NY that knows how to council bisexuals.

I looked for this exact thing when I looked for a counselor. The one I found deals with bisexuals, homosexuals, open marriages, and other things to this extent. she seems to know a lot about it, so i think she will be good for me.

[hasty1]

Thanks for posting about how the counselling went, glad you found it a positive experience. x