Bi Fiance wants open relationship..confused.

[changeforbetter]

Okay so I am new to this site and really have no one in my life to talk to about this subject so here I am.. A little bit about me.. I am a 23 year old straight female and I am engaged to a 24 year old bisexual male. He came out to me as bi last year but I have known for the last 5 years. He proposed 6 months ago and we have been really happy..or so I thought. We had a conversation over the weekend that brought up the topic of open relationships and initially I was interested in the idea. I have no interest in sleeping with other people, but I know that he wants sex with men and that is obviously something I cannot give him. He told me last night it will always be me and he loves me but there is a part of him that wants that single life to sleep with men. He said 'he's too young to be tied down' yet he proposed to me. Now I don't know what to feel. I feel kind of broken and definitely confused so I would like to know how others have dealt with their bisexual boyfriends/husbands wanting an open relationship. I really could use some advice...

[itsnormy]

First his line of being "too young to be tied down," shows me he's not ready for marriage either...My wife and I lived 53+ years in an open marriage, tho not as swingers, but rather she had her friends, I had mine, and eventually some of her friends grew trustworthy and close enough that eventually she became sexually active outside the marriage too. I had a boyfriend for 30 years who drank himself to death. The secret to our success was the "OPEN" part, no lies, no sneaking, very openly shared our trust and love with each other and those in our lives. We learned that a "piece of ass," will not destroy a marriage as quit as doing it and then LYING....but back to the beginning...wanting the single life to be able to sleep with men, and being tied down, really would not be serving you well, open marriage or not. I can almost guarantee your resentment of being "cut out" of his life in some respects would destroy everything you married for...just my thoughts, but whatever you, remember, " YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, NOT HIS."

[Erotinaughty]

"Too young to be tied down" means "too immature to maintain an adult marriage." In this case, I would consider the bisexual aspect to be largely irrelevant. How would you feel if he wanted to date other women, post-marriage, because they can give him something you cannot? An open marriage requires a particularly strong bond and must be a mutually agreed-upon choice. It is preferable to risk the marriage now than to risk a divorce later. I think the wise decision would be to pursue per-marital counseling with a reputable psychologist.

[Gearbox]

There is nothing immature about a 24yo who realizes that a supposedly lifelong monogamous commitment is a bad idea for him at this point. In fact, the divorce courts have a steady stream of immature, ill advised, ill-prepared adults who thought they were doing the 'adult thing' when they clearly wasn't.
Be thankful that he expressed his doubts before you get married. Many try to suppress things and it rarely ends well.

What he offers you is emotional monogamy, but not sexual monogamy. The two are worlds apart. It's really up to you whether you're ok with that though.

[bityme]

Okay so I am new to this site and really have no one in my life to talk to about this subject so here I am.. A little bit about me.. I am a 23 year old straight female and I am engaged to a 24 year old bisexual male. He came out to me as bi last year but I have known for the last 5 years. He proposed 6 months ago and we have been really happy..or so I thought. We had a conversation over the weekend that brought up the topic of open relationships and initially I was interested in the idea. I have no interest in sleeping with other people, but I know that he wants sex with men and that is obviously something I cannot give him. He told me last night it will always be me and he loves me but there is a part of him that wants that single life to sleep with men. He said 'he's too young to be tied down' yet he proposed to me. Now I don't know what to feel. I feel kind of broken and definitely confused so I would like to know how others have dealt with their bisexual boyfriends/husbands wanting an open relationship. I really could use some advice...

It is interesting that even though he only came out to you a year ago you have known about his bisexuality for 5 years. Presumably, you have been aware of his outside activities for some time, but it does not appear that it became an issue until the possibility of marriage entered the picture.

During the last 5 years, did either of you ask for or expect the other to remain monogamous? Or did you just overlook his outside activities, thinking that since you didn't have a ring on your finger that making it an issue might spoil your otherwise satisfactory relationship?

For your sake and his, if you don't know for sure that you can accept and live with an open relationship, don't get married.


There is nothing immature about a 24yo who realizes that a supposedly lifelong monogamous commitment is a bad idea for him at this point. In fact, the divorce courts have a steady stream of immature, ill advised, ill-prepared adults who thought they were doing the 'adult thing' when they clearly wasn't.
Be thankful that he expressed his doubts before you get married. Many try to suppress things and it rarely ends well.

What he offers you is emotional monogamy, but not sexual monogamy. The two are worlds apart. It's really up to you whether you're ok with that though.

Gearbox is absolutely right. Conventionally, there is an expectation of emotional and sexual monogamy. For most bisexuals, it doesn't work. Yes, there are those for whom it does, but expecting someone to change their basic nature is usually unworkable. Neither love nor the desire to have sexual experiences are inseparable. You can have one without the other. You recognize that you cannot fulfill his desire to have sex with men. That is a first step. The second is determining whether or not you believe he can remain emotionally true to you. Is that a possibility? Absolutely!! Will it work for you? Only time can tell. As itsnormy indicates, it requires openness and honesty with each other every step of the way.

I can't agree with Erotinaughty about counseling. If you are looking at it to change either of you, it's a waste of money. The key is your coming to a agreement about what lifestyle you will lead together to satisfy your needs. If sexual monogamy is one of theses needs, counseling won't help. Eventually, the need will be great enough to have an effect on the relationship.

Try the open relationship without the marriage. See if it works and you are happy with it. If it's successful, then consider marriage, if it's not, don't buy the wedding dress and reserve the church.

[changeforbetter]

Thank you all for your advice. I have known about him for a long time but he has never once cheated on me or had outside relationships while he has been with me. We would have gone on this way probably forever if I hadn't pushed him to tell me his true feelings. I think I can get on board with an open relationship with some time. After all he just wants sex with men...not a relationship...at least that is what he has told me. and he has been brutally honest thus far. He even said he doesn't want to have an open relationship forever just now while he's young and unmarried but I am the one he wants for the rest of his life.

[Young pussy and dope]

Ok, there's been some decent advice, but let's look at this from your perspective: I still don't have a really solid relationship, one that weathers every storm, how can I go into this with an open relationship? You can't. Unless you were raised in a poly household, which you weren't or you'd have said so, then poly relationships are difficult to work. It's nice that you consider it, but you both need time to develop on your own and develop rules for each other without the encumbrance of another lover in the works. We've been married 21 yrs. Only now are we both free to seek outside relationships after my coming out and now my wife's own. (Yes, she finally came out as bisexual herself. What a great thing!) We date other bisexual couples and that's difficult in and of itself because of the "what if you like him and I can't stand her or vice versa"? Makes it difficult but at the moment, we've hated the couples we've dated and both thought they were dreck. It's funny now that we do it together. We prefer social meetups to meet with other bisexual couples and that takes pressure off, but still, when push comes to shove, the clothes come off and you have to feel good about your relationship to your spouse to allow them to have sex with someone else. We see sex as play. Our time to get naked and play with each other or with another partner. You have to be really secure in your relationship to allow that to happen and you aren't. His actions are self serving. They aren't putting the two of you first and he should. The "too young to be tied down" comment is laughable. Then why did he propose? Was he worried about you flying away on a white horse with some other man? I love my wife and look forward to walking hand in hand with her on a beach when we're 70 (with my other hand held by my boyfriend or husband or whatever else I have then). She's the one woman for me. I don't think he can say the same of you right now because he's very virile and wanting you and his boyfriends, but committing to neither. People can always change. Why are you assuming that the OP and her BF will not like an open relationship? They have not tried one yet. Actually JP1986 what you are describing is not actual polyamory or a true Ménage Ã* trois but it's just slutting around. You can call it "dating" all you want but it's not dating at all just casual sex, recreational sex, or commonly known as swinging. Your "relationship" with your wife is not going to last for decades and no man or other woman is going to actually want to be with either of you, and I doubt your wife and you will stay married.

[elian]

I am glad you are discussing this BEFORE you get married. I think there has already been a lot of good advice given. I am sorry that your expectations aren't being met but it is best to work through what both of you really want out of a committed relationship before you move forward.

[Young pussy and dope]

Serious Go Fuck Yourself What I described? Are you fucking insane or just an asshole. I am leaning toward the latter. We are working on a solution which we like. We aren't "slutting around" as you put it nor were we looking for a menage situation. My point, which your low IQ brain had difficulty comprehending was to work out your relationship for awhile unencumbered with the added prospects of his bisexual play. My analysis from her statements was that she wasn't comfortable with it and hence, my suggestion was to slow down, talk more and work on their relationship. I didn't think now and don't think he's committing to anything other than making himself the center of it all. I love how you doubt we'll stay married. Perhaps you are on the wrong board: FamilyResearchCounsel.org is just waiting for you. Again, have a wonderful day and Go Fuck Yourself:banghead: LOL this is coming from a hypocritical Conservative like yourself. :rolleyes: Yeah you and your fat fugly wife are just slutting around Joe. Sorry I don't get fucked, you're the insatiable bottom, so go buy a dildo the length and width of a telephone pole for your sloppy ass. Sorry you can't accept the truth that you and your wife probably will not stay married. Sometimes people want to avoid the truth or hide from it in your case. In your case you should not be telling the OP that an open relationship can't or simply will not work for her at all, even if you are just projecting your own failure of a marriage and open relationship that is eventually going to fail and end in divorce and you'll wind up all alone...since let's be honest here who would want you or your wife?

[bimale2013]

itsnomy
I keep my bisexuality secret before and all during longmarriage; wife came out few years ago but seems more Bi-C and really doenst pratice- oh shes hasd a few flings with men- but I owe her those and perhaps a trist with a GF but not sure . Ive strongly hinted at my desires for men on many occassions- always met with dinial, laugh it off , "what u turning gay?" Ifeel im too late to live in truth. Have any suggestions?

[Spiro]

changeforbetter

i did not read anyone say, let me say it, thanks for coming to this site. We all learn from questions such as yours.

Sam

[bi4asplay]

Young you are the most negative person on here. Among the most I have ever heard. You sound more like a hater than any thing else. After reading a few of your posts I now skip over any I see, from you. I made the mistake of reading this one. what charge do you get from your childish remarks on here? Have you never heard the old saying that if you can not say something nice keep your stupid fucking mouth closed?

[BGoins]

I am also engaged to a man who is only orally bi-sexual. This is not something he wants to do on a regular basis but enjoys giving oral to another guy. I'm straight also and like you.. I can't give him the rest of what he desires. We have been together for 3 yrs and he says he's not acted on this and will not if it will hurt us. I know if this is something he desires, it'll happen sooner or later behind my back which I will not tolerate. Is this something he wants to do without you present or does he want you to know when or even be there? I have no desire to be with anyone else either however my fiancé wants me to be present or take part... or whatever I am comfortable with. I am also confused and worried that when and if this happens .. how I will feel. He had an open relationship with his ex but he says it was easy because he wasn't really in love with her. I understand how you feel... Have you discussed how this will take place or the rules that must be laid down? He has to also consider being safe. Will it be with random partners? I'm more than willing to discuss this and see how we can get through this together.

[elian]

I am a single male so my opinion may not be worth much on this issue - If I knew he wasn't sleeping around with EVERYONE, but maybe only people that I've met and agree with I could live with it. I would get tested on some routine basis unless you all knew and trusted each other very well. The activities that each person can engage in obviously have different levels of risk and benefits for physical, mental and spiritual health.

Some bisexual men can be happy in a monogamous relationship, some will be happy with one of each (gender), and some want a truly open relationship. What I say is that at the end of the day they are coming home to YOU, and as long as they show love and affection, caring for you..?

In any event a relationship is a two way street, so you need to BOTH figure out what you can commit to openly and honestly - for some people bisexuality can work, it may make others very unhappy.. it is much better to try to figure it out ahead of time if you can and it may require some experimentation unless you are that averse to it.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, ignore the immature remarks of small minded folks, and try and glean what advise that would help you understand your particular situation the best..:}
You do what You feel is right for You and the relationship, but the best advise I can possibly give is Communicate. Talk seriously, openly, honestly and find out what Both of you wants. Face it, your Honey is going to have3 needs. If you want to see these needs met in a safe, clean way, thenMeet the men he would like to play with. Help him pick out play partners, and maybe once in a while you might find one that You too would like to team up on With your man. :} Its fun and very exciting, believe me!
You take care, and I wish the best for ya'll. ;}
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I dont know Young, or JP, but dayum, Ya'll. Get a grip.
Cat

[zigzig]

I still crave women even though I'm married to a man, who satisfies my ,, heterosexual side". Accept his desires and try to adapt to it!