Monogamy and Bisexuality

[alex6102]

Hello,

My name is Alex and I'm 25 year old bisexual male. I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. I told her that I was bisexual in the beginning of our relationship to find out that she had had a relationship with a woman in her past. How lucky was I right? Things have been rocky as of lately however. I separated with my girlfriend about a month ago to explore my bisexuality. I have never been with another man sexually and it was something that I had always wanted to try, so I thought that I had to leave our relationship to do so. That whole process was earth shattering. We both were devastated because our relationship meant and still means so much to the both of us. During that time away she sent me an email explaining that she wasn't sure if she would be able to wait for me. After reading this email I decided that I didn't want to lose her; she is too important to me to lose her to my "exploration". Therefore, I came back to the relationship not exploring what had originally set out to explore and thinking that we would be able to experience it together. Herein lies the problem. She wants a monogamous relationship. She does not want to share me with anyone else. I have never acted on these feelings and desires that I have therefore it's hard for me to decide if I can or should never act on them. She feels as if I am being selfish to ask for that in our relationship. I understand what she is saying but that doesn't change that fact that I love her and want to marry her but want to include men in our sex life. For now we have decided to stay together and she has given me permission to be with a man for the sake of understanding how my bisexuality will fit into my life. From there I must decide if I want to be with the woman I love and the relationship I cherish or be a single, free, and unhappy man.

The question I pose is complex and multi-layered. Are there any bisexual men who have gone through something similar and succeeded in finding a balance between their desire to be with another man and their commitment and monogamy to their wife? If so, what do you do to find that balance? Any and all support is greatly appreciated. I am really lost here and don't if I'm just young and naive or if this is truly a hopeless situation.

Thanks,

Alex

[tenni]

This is difficult. I think that you need to ask yourself some questions.

Do you believe that your curiousity will disappear because of your love for this woman? (if you are bisexual probably not but it may grow over the years and cause discomfort to you and her)

Are you looking for a relationship with a man or physical sexual release with another man? (if release what prevented you from exploring over the past month?)

She wants a monogamous relationship. You do not think that you do. If you enter a monogamous relationship with this woman you will probably eventually cheat or at least be unhappy. There probably is no balance if she insists on monogamy. She says that she had a relationship with another woman. Does she see herself as bisexual? Her understanding of her bisexuality may not align with your own.

Are you being selfish or is she being controlling? If she loves you, does she not want you to be happy?

[alex6102]

Thanks for the response tenni. I'm not sure if this curiosity will disappear but I believe if experience it now I will at least no with more surety as to how it fits in my life (hopefully...). I don't and never want a relationship with a man, for me its purely sexual. She says that she is bisexual but I think that you are right when you said our views about bisexuality differ. She was in a relationship with a woman because she felt an emotional connection to her and the sex was an after-thought. I, on the other hand, don't want an emotional connection, such as a relationship with a man, only to be physical. I can't decide if our differing views speak to the male/female plight on sex or if it's just specifically how we differ.

I think in some regards I am being selfish and she doesn't want to budge. I want to be with her but I can't seem to find the right answer.

Thanks again for you advice.

[Young pussy and dope]

Have you tried talking to her? Bisexuals can be monogamous and it's just like any other sexual orientation in that people of other orientations can also be monogamous if they want to be. Why don't you want a romantic or emotional connection to a man and instead you just want sex? Your profile says you are a Kinsey 3 and if you're a Kinsey 3 you should be able to fall in love and want relationships with both genders.

[tenni]

Alex
I think that YPD and I can partially agree. At this point you are more likely a Kinsey 1 or 2 but that can change and it is more important what you want to explore than a number. I think that it is possible to be equally sexually attracted to both men and women (3) and have only emotionally attachment to one gender(either).

There are lots of bimen who are only interested in the physical sexual release with another man and have only emotional relationships with women. For them it is all about the cock. This may be something that your g/f does not understand. Try to explain that to her that this is a possible difference in how you and her see bisexuality. Like some biguys, some biwomen on this site are only interested in the physical sex act with another woman. Your g/f seems not to be one of them. Maybe, she is unaware that bisexuality is not a narrow sexuality but a very broad spectrum. She may be more open to some ground rules on you being physically sexually involved with men if she understands that you are only emotionally attracted (in love with) and no man does that for you.

Men are generally visually sexualized and just as some guys go ga ga for tits, some biguys go for cock as well or for period only cock and not tits..then switch over. These men don't give a flying fucking monkey for the rest of the man as far as attraction is concerned. That can evolve as you mature where the actual man becomes more important . Perhaps not like a m/f relationship but a friendship with benefits scenario. Right now and possible forever, you seem only interested in the physical sex aspect. That is ok. Don't try to repress it until you explore it a bit.

If she is unwilling to give you another month or so, to explore this, do not get with her but take the time to explore. If she is there when you decide if you can be monogamous or not, re introduce yourself. The chances of you cheating in the future is fairly high is you do not explore your sexuality before deciding on monogamy imo.

[Bellonya]

Hi Alex, I read your post and maybe you could find usefull my story.
I'm a heterosexual girl, but my boyfriend (whom you share names with, btw xD) is bisexual. He has been with men before me, but could never truly experience and explore his bisexuality. Due to some problems with himself he is now starting to fully accept himself as bisexual.
Although he has the certanity that he cannot fall in love with a boy (he tried but failed), he still feels the need to be with a man. Maybe you can understand this "two libido" thing, that although your girlfriend is able to satisfy you in a 90%, you still need something... more, something onyl men can give you.
In order to deal with this "need", he has permission (so to speak) to have sex with a boy, provided that I know before hand and I give my "consent". However, this is not every month, main reason why I'm able to say yes.
Still, I can understand your gf, since I am too a monogamous person, and do not wish to include a third integrant (although I do want to have a threesome experience :P) The way I could deal with having my boyfriend sleeping with another person is by knowing that, if he doesn't satisfy this need of his, he will get worse, he will suffer every time he sees a boy and fantasy on a daily basis. Also, he won't be able to be truly happy since he feels like he's missing something.
Have you tried explaining this to her? Give her some time to realize this things but do not end the relationship. It took some time for me to finally understand and even now it still hurts a bit when I see him go, but I know that it's the only way for us to be happy. If she loves you at least she'll try to understand, explain this to her, that you need to explore but that does not mean that you love her less or will fall for another boy.
I wish you luck and hope this was helpful :)

[Gearbox]

Yes bi's can and do have no probs with a monogamous relationship. I've had a few monog relationships with women and coped well.
But that was because I wasn't ready to explore my bi side. That makes a huge difference!
If you have the urge to explore men, I'd advise against monogamy with your gf. That's obviously not what you want, and you'd do no good to pretend it is for her sake.

Go explore IMO!

[dseven]

Hi guys! Well Bellonya (My beautiful, amazing girlfriend) pretty much summed up everything, but I'm going to add a few things:

1) Your girlfriend is not evil because she won't let you be with another guy, she's just concerned that you would leave her for a guy and also she might be sad because she feels that she's not good enough for you. It's a deep feeling that upsets her no matter how much she tries to fight it. She loves you and she (of course) is afraid of losing you.

2) On the other hand, you are the only one who knows if and how much longer he can withstand not being with guys, not exploring that fantasy, not seeing what the fuzz is all about. I'm a person who loves experiencing life, loves doing new things, the tought of getting old without having experienced enough, scares the crap out of me. You don't want to be an old man regreting what he didn't do in the past, because if you get to be that man, you will most likely end up resenting her. Just ask yourself, are you sure you can go the rest of your life (asuming you're planning to stay with her, which I think you are) without experiencing that part of you??

3) A semi-open relationship, like the one Bellonya and I have, is not something impossible. You have a set of rules, for instance, you can't be with the person more than twice, it can't be anyone from work, school or any place in which you go often and of course you must practice safe sex. And finnaly the other person must be noticed before the act and can choose to refuse. You should talk to your girlfriend and try to see if you can get to an agreement.

4) But there's also the possibility that you want more than just a sexual release, you want to experience a relationship, see if you can fall in love as you fell in love with your girlfriend. In that case, unless your girlfriend is open to that, which I don't see happening (altough you are welcome to try), you won't have any other choice but to break up with her.

It sucks, but the truth is that regardless of everything, it's not easy being bi, people (even open minded people) have a hard time accepting and/or understanding it. You get the usual homophobia from most straight people (who just put any non-straight person into the "gay" box) and of course the famous biphobia that I've gotten numerous times from gay people (yep, isn't that fucking ironic). The truth is that you are like that, we are like that and the only thing we can do is to accept it, to learn to live with it and even make it our strength, our motto.

Just think about what do you want to be in your life, what do you want to feel each time you go to bed and what will you want to feel the last time you go to bed.

Hugs,
Dseven/Alex.

[ghost_of_bluebiyou]

...The question I pose is complex and multi-layered. Are there any bisexual men who have gone through something similar and succeeded in finding a balance between their desire to be with another man and their commitment and monogamy to their wife? If so, what do you do to find that balance? ... I am really lost here and don't if I'm just young and naive or if this is truly a hopeless situation.

Thanks,

Alex

My dearest Alex
I understand your feelings. I can understand your gf feelings.
From my position of (extreme) maturity I can safely say...
The very fact you've become a member of bisexual.com and have extolled your feelings is a strong indicator that you are sexual.
Sexuality is often a very important and motivating force in your life. Not so for those who don't have strong sexual feelings.
You're probably bisexual.
Your bisexuality is probably unique (no one here shares the exact same mix of male/female emotional/sexual needs as you).
It sounds as if you are close to where I am (even though I'm ancient).
I'm more than half homosexual in regards to pure sex (probably 75%-90%). Porn without a male fails to give me an erection. Gay porn gives instant erection. Lesbian porn still appeals to what straight feelings I have, and I get excited at first, then erection.
Yet emotionally, I'm nearly entirely straight. I've had a gay relationship (live in for a year) and while the sex was fantastic, the camaraderie was good, I still craved a woman's company constantly; and desperately wanted to eat some pussy by the years end.
This means, I have to be with a woman on a day to day basis. Sex is wonderful (when she needs it or when I feel the rush of emotional closeness). I don't have a problem getting it up for her at all. I love her.
I cannot go a year without being with a man. Else I go through all the traditional phases of being alone (up to self destructiveness).
I need both and neither has anything to do with the other.
I came out to my (now wife) many years ago before we married. She doesn't like it, doesn't want to know the details, but is fine entertaining all my gay friends. She's gone to gay bars with me many times (the lesbians LOVE her and the gay men love to talk with her).
She loves me and accepts me.
If your girlfriend does not accept your homosexual part of you, she does not accept you as you are.
I know that no man can "take me away" from my wife; and she's come round to understanding that.
I recommend that you:
Stand your ground. You are what you are and if she doesn't love you as such... then she doesn't love you. Loving a modified version of you (in her mind - what you should be) is NOT loving you.
Reassure her. Let her know your 'gay component' is not a threat to your relationship and go ahead and promise her that she is the only woman for you.
Remain honest!!!! Above all "to thine own self be true".
Remain firm. Don't wimp out to threats, emotional blackmail, etc.
(here comes the important part)
Love is a free will exchange. When it is coerced, or used as a manipulative tool... it is no longer love. She may believe that you are the handsome prince; that she's done her part and you must act a certain way for the rest of your life (entrapment).
You are young and there will be many other opportunities if she parts ways. You can and will love deeper... if you believe in love itself.
The biggest mistake is to deny some of your fundamental feelings.

or

get a form of lobotomy that would kill your sexuality (you can always procreate, if you wish, with hypodermic needle/syringe).

Epilog
Being bisexual is not really different than any other form of being in love. If you truly love someone, you accept them for exactly what they are, not what you need them to be.
Stated in a general all gender application:
If you love someone and (s)he loves you and there is total unconditional loving acceptance... wow... there is heaven; there is true love.
Best wishes Alex

[alex6102]

Thank you Everyone! Your comments and advice have all been very heartfelt, honest, eye-opening, and reassuring. I appreciate that. I felt as if there was no one in my life that I could speak to about what we were going through. Parents sometimes don't understand, friends sometimes judge, and counselors were unhelpful. It wasn't until I laid it all out here that I felt some sense of relief and camaraderie. Being bisexual is difficult at times especially were you are in a serious relationship. It bucks the grain in terms of what is traditional and makes you re-think your ideas on love and relationships. However, I feel that when you love someone you make-up your own rules as to what you want your relationship to be.

I am here to say that reading my original post and the following comments (especially Bellonya's comments!) to my girlfriend has changed her mind about her views on monogamy and bisexual relationships. I can not be more ecstatic!!!! This is all very new to the both of us but we are forging on and making sense of things. We have decided to follow Bellonya and Dseven's advice and see if that works for us.

Thank you again Everyone for you encouraging words of wisdom!! And I hope that someday I am able to impact someones life the way that you all have done so for me!!

Best,
Alex :bigrin:

ps Feel free to keep the thread going with more advice/comments on how bisexual couples deal with monogamy in their relationships.