Dealing With My Family and My New Boyfriend

[Romalotti]

Ok, I'm 31 years old and I'm divorced (I used to be married to a woman) with two kids, ages 9 & 12. I've been bisexual all of my life, obviously. My parents found out I was dating guys back when I was a teenager and still lived at home. I attempted to be honest with them about who I was dating, whether it was a girl or a guy, but they made it painfully obvious that they did not approve of me dating guys. They're not hardcore Catholics or anything, they're just simple rural-type people and they couldn't seem to conceive of their son as being bi or gay. In fact, my father made quite a few anti-gay comments while I was growing up (not knowing about me yet), including my favorite 'I'd rather have my son be an alcoholic than a queer, because at least he'd still be a real man' (he said this at a Sunday dinner with my grandfather present -- he's just that kind of guy).

Fast forward to the present. I have a boyfriend who I'm very much in love with, and he feels the same way about me. He's going to be a big part of my future, and I don't know how to tell my family about this. Since my divorce, I've dated both men and women, but I really haven't told my parents much about my dating life, we're not exactly close. They knew that I was briefly engaged to a woman a year and a half ago. I figured that I'd only tell them about the important stuff. Well, this current guy is important to me and if I had it my way, I wouldn't involve my ignorant parents (especially my father) in my life at all, but they are the grandparents of my children and have a close relationship with them. So I'm sort of forced to interact with them on some level.

My mom is insisting that I show up for Easter dinner on Sunday. My brother and his girlfriend will be there, as well as my kids. I already have plans with my boyfriend, who my parents know nothing about. If I bring him to Easter dinner, it'll be a total disaster. If I tell my mom that I'm not coming for ANY reason, she is going to be upset and harass me about it for a long time. I'm damned no matter what I do. And the worst part is, I don't feel like I should have to 'come out' to my parents again. They've known I liked guys since I was a teenager. It was THEY who didn't want to talk about it, forcing me to just stop communicating with them about the subject. So they have just assumed that my interest in guys as a teen was a 'passing fad' or something, and now I'm left with having to deal with this all over again.

So what should I do? Any advice would be welcome because I really need it.

[chicagom]

Call and ask them if they want you if you bring him, just so they can prepare if they say yes. Not something you want to surprise them with, like a hidden Easter egg. If they are having the problem, let them decide if they want you there on YOUR terms.

[Neonaught]

If you feel that they just *have* to be told then I would not confront the issue at a family gathering and cause a bunch of drama. Better to choose a setting more private when you can speak to them at length without an audience. Personally, I think it's noone's business who I sleep with unless they're going to be in the bed with us but family can be another matter. Perhaps it would be better to discuss this after Easter with your mom (perhaps by phone) and then let her be the one who wises dad up as to the current situation> What ever happens I wish you good luck.

M

[Romalotti]

I don't feel like they have to be told, but they make it difficult because it seems like they want me to be part of the family, but only on their terms. I barely speak to my father at all, the thought of 'sitting down' and having a real conversation with him about anything is laughable. I'm also afraid that if I tell them about my relationship, I will get some moralizing argument about how I'm negatively affecting my children, which will cause me to go off the handle and turn my family into a war zone. Thinking about it now, I'm probably better off just making an excuse to get out of Easter dinner and having things continue the way they are now. I don't see much of a point in bringing all of this drama to my family when I don't even want to spend time with them anyway, and the only real link I have to them now is through my children.

[chicagom]

Sounds like your mind was made up already.....although the feelings of your kids is something you might want to take into consideration.

[OverNeath]

I hear the flu is going around.

[Gearbox]

IMO the only thing you need to worry about is the effect your parents may have on your children. If they are a bad influence on them, tell them so! Explain that you, your children and your partner need to be ok with your situation and that you will not tolerate ANY negative interference from them.
So call and inform them that the four of you are a group and they can either accept you ALL or not at all, if you go ahead with your visit.
If ANY drama breaks out around your children, don't add to it! Put your coats on and leave!

[zigzig]

Be strong! Your parents can be stingy in their beliefs, and can take time to adjust.

[elian]

Do you have custody of your children or do your parents? Adults can deal with a situation like this on their own but your children shouldn't feel as though they have to suffer or "take sides" in order to be able to spend time with you/partner or your parents. Otherwise I would tell your mom, "Thank you but I already had other plans"

Either that or go alone this one time until you can explain the situation to her later on in as calm and rational manner as you can muster.

- or do what the other poster suggested, call or Email to ask if he can be invited. Knowing Pennsylvania, probably not on a religious feast day - but you never know.

I had a mother that I lived in fear of alienating for a long time. When the opportunity was right I finally leveled with her and she said "I just want you to be happy" .. as far as my stepdad goes - a gay couple finally bought the house next to his that was on the market for a year. When he started to mention some reservations I said to him, "Well you like me and I'm bi?"

I think I was fortunate because he was not my biological father and he is a teacher so he is sort of trained to deal with students who come to him with potential surprising problems. Besides, a few months before a young gay boy had his friend pull over in a park and ride next to the highway, he told his friend that he didn't want to live any more, got out of the car and stepped out into the middle of the highway.

I think that young man's life sort of convinced people that being gay is something you take seriously, rather than deny.

You could always send them a copy of "For the Bible Tells Me So" - the director is actually from Central PA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBR0dq0XXk

[onewhocares]

Hi,

I guess I too am concerned for your children. You mentioned that "they" would be be there at your parents. Well I guess my question would be, wouldn't you be the one to be bringing them. Perhaps I missed the part about who has custody. If your children are going to be there, then is your ex wife attending? Since they are too young to drive, a parent (unless they live with your parents) will bring them.

I too know your angst. My mother as well as my mother in law live with my gay husband, our 18 year old daughter and I. She can't wrap her head around me being married to a gay man who has a boyfriend, a man we share, as well as me having sex with him. I have given up hopes of her trying to see my point.

I wish you all the best....and if the FLU had not gotten the best of you, perhaps when you go out on Saturday night, you may have tainted seafood and need to stay home.

Belle in Boston

[Romalotti]

I have custody of my kids, sorry for not clarifying that. My children are, however, spending the weekend at my parents' house so they'll already be there when Easter comes around. It would be very easy for me to just not show up. I am convinced that my mother knows I've been dating a guy. For instance, I was out of town visiting him for a few days last week (he lives three hours away) and she knew I was out-of-state, but didn't ask me anything about where I went or why. It seems like one of those 'don't ask, don't tell' situations, and I hate it. It's like she doesn't want to know, and the whole thing just frustrates me to no end.

[Lisa (va)]

Ask yourself, would your children appreciate you spending Easter with them? If so, they should be the main focus of your life, being adults I'm sure you and your boyfreind could make alternate plans with each other (before or after). just my 2cents.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[elian]

So your children know about you and the partner? That is good. ..and your parents want to spend time at Easter with their grandchildren? That is good too. I know here in PA at least tons of people LOVE Easter and that is a typical thing for children to do.

Either go alone, or tactfully mention the fact that you've been seeing someone and see if she would be willing to have him there.. I agree with Lisa too, if the children would benefit from having you there it may be worth it but if it's just going to cause a big problem maybe don't go, but bring her a flower after their meal when you go to pick up the kids.

Perhaps you could level wit her - say "I'd like to come but I don't know how you would react to my new date..."

Then again, you said you already have plans.

If you/partner both WANT to spend time together as the WHOLE family, including your partner then it is worth the effort to try to work it out. If they will not accept him then that is on them. I always approach talking about LGBT relationships from the perspective of love. I mean, I can have sex with anybody or nobody - but if I'm talking about going through the trouble of making the person a part of my life to the extent that I want to introduce him to the family then it MUST be love.

They will probably go crazy when you say it, but I'll only say that it's very hard to "choose" who you fall in love with vs. who you sleep with.

Wish I could be more help, sorry.

John

[jem_is_bi]

Personally, I like don't ask/don't tell with parents and even everyone else about sex, politics and religion.
But sometimes, somethings need to be known. Easter is not when that should happen.

[elian]

So how did it go?

[_Joe_]

Ya, I like follow ups as well.