hi

[loulou1978]

hi,

I hope you dont mind me joining your community. i have just found out after being married 2 years that my husband is bisexual. I am a bit confussed as to what to say or how to support him. I am a bit confussed that i'm not sure if my marriage is over or not. I dont know how to feel at the moment. can a marriage survive with one party being bi? please if anyone has any advice for me i would gratefully recieve it. if i have offended anyone by coming on this site please tell me, i am looking to support my husband but am not sure how.

thank you for your time

LouLou.

[arana]

Hello loulou and welcome to the site. Please, you did not offend anyone by coming here and you will find that there are a LOT of straight spouses here that come to learn and support each other. I think you will find that many of the woman here who have bi husbands and have kept their marriages happily in tact will be more than helpful in their knowledge and advice. crsakate, gina42, onewhocares, and Mrs F, just to name a few. They have each had their own unique experiences and can share a wealth of knowledge.

Good luck to you!

[JrzGuy3]

Loulou,

Welcome to the site.

It's good to hear that you want to support your husband, even if you feel somewhat lost. Bisexuality really has a different dynamic than homosexuality (certainly, finding out your husband is homosexual would be a far different case) in that your husband is fully capable of loving you in every way you love him, except that that ability extends to men as well.

If your husband is telling you (it sounds to me that you may very well be the only person he's outed himself to) that he's bi, then it's something he's confiding in you. It shows you that he wants to be open and honest and candid with you about who he is. The best way to support him in this is to be open- communicate with him. Talk to him. Ask him any questions you may have. As for whether your marriage is over, it will only be over if that is what one or both of you want. I'm sure if it's what he wants, then he would have told you when he came out. I don't think it's what you want, by the fact that you're coming here looking for advice as how to support him. Being bisexual certainly doesn't preclude one from having a straight significant other, provided they are of the opposite gender. In fact, we had a thread on this topic recently; though many of those of us here are involved with other bisexuals, many of us are involved with straight partners and significant others as well.

Ultimately, I think that him coming out to you displays many things that I'd consider cornerstones of a good marriage; trust, love and devotion. Talk to him, be open to who he is and make sure that the dialogue goes both ways.

Feel free to post here with any questions, comments or feelings you have. There is a wealth of information and experience here to benefit from!

*~Marty

[Rhuth]

LouLou, you are so welcome to be here! *hugs*

We know when we marry our men that the marriage is not going to prevent them from having their heads turned by other women. Wheather or not they act on such distractions without discussing it with us first, is where it can start to cause maritial problems.

You just found out your husband is twice as distracted as you expected him to be. It does not mean he loves you less. Having the information you now have can only help your relationship, because now he can discuss his feelings freely with you.

It is okay to put your foot down if you are uncomfotable with certain sexual actions outside your marriage. If he feels he has strong needs that you are uncomfortable with, there are comprimises you can discuss that are less satisfying to him, but would make you feel slightly more comfortable. The important thing is to discuss them. You don't have to figure it out right away, you just have to start discussing things.

You need to talk to glantern! He has the most amazing supportive wife!
glantern's post (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1271&highlight=time+speaking+publicly)

Good luck to you!
*hugs*

[loulou1978]

thank you both for your replies.

thank you for making me feel welcome.

i'm feeling 'lost' at the moment, dont know how i feel. my husband told me he had a fantasy that he wanted to dress up in womens clothes. i accepted this but now he is telling me he wants to sleep with another man and that he is bisexual. (oh how the plot thickens!!)

i just dont know how to deal with this. do women let their husbands sleep with men to fulfill thier fantasy? i just dont know hwta to do for the best.

HELP!!!

LouLou

[JrzGuy3]

I don't think you should look at this so much in terms of "what am I supposed to do" and "what am I supposed to let him do." There is no universal answer nor is there a solution that works for everyone. All marriages are as unique as the people in them.

How you should look at this is more in terms of, what will make you and your husband happy, both as individuals and as a couple. While he may have sexual fantasies and psychological needs and still otherwise emotions, don't forget that you do as well. Talk to him sometime (soon, if possible). Before you can make decisions small or regarding your (that's a collective "your) future and what it holds, you need to et to know better both him and this part of him. Ask him questions, how does he know this, what is it like, how long has he known, so on and so forth The other regulars here can probably contribute a few more things to ask about ... guys?

[Rhuth]

do women let their husbands sleep with men to fulfill thier fantasy?

Okay, my husband is straight, but I have let him sleep with other women to fulfill a fantasy. Lol I hear I am weird for that though, and it does not mean you should! I did because I was excited by it. You should never just agree to something, sexual or not, because he wants it if it makes you uncomfortable.

You don't have to shut the door entirely either. You can say no for now, and things might change in the future. Are you comfortable with him having just phone sex with other men? Just cybering? Just porn? Lol Just give you a minute before he gets anything so you can try and keep your head from spinning?

He just gave you the news, and you need time to readjust your life. The reality of your life just got shifted on you, and it takes time to readjust how you see yourself and your relationship with him. He has had this reality in his head all along, and you have had the rug pulled out from under you. He is excited that you now share his reality, but ask him to give you time to adjust to it. Don't make any decisions on what actions to take until you have adjusted to your new reality and can actually figure out what you feel comfortable with.

[Mrs.F]

HI LouLou, :)

You have come to the right place...You will by no means offend anyone here by being straight. Most on here will congratulate you for standing by your husband and that your willing to UNDERSTAND his feelings. That right there is a HUGE step!

As arana has already told you...I am straight and have a bi husband. I went throught the shock, betrayal, scared to death that my marriage was over and worst of all the FEAR that I was not satisfying him. After all, if he wanted a man...how could I as a woman satisfy him??? I joined this site because he was already a member and he had told several on here that I had found out and was not taking it well. When I came aboard...I was welcomed with opened arms from not only the straight wives on here but EVERYONE! It took me awhile but I talked to everyone, read everything and met some of the sweetest people in the world. I'm glad you joined and am so happy you are atleast willing to understand.

It will take time but you and your husband will figure this all out. It by no means is going to happen overnight or in a couple of weeks. It took me months to finally realize my husbands feelings and desires and NOT panic over them. But in that process I learned alot about MYSELF and you will also. Time, love and tons and tons of communicating!

And yes, our marriage is still going. Infact it's stronger then it has ever been. I have discovered that my husband is still my husband and that he is the most loving, caring man I have ever met. The only thing that changed in our marriage is that he wants to have sex with men. And now that I have the time and communication I needed to get through this....I am OK with that!

If you need anything...don't hesitate to ask. Anyone here is willing to help you. And I am here for you anytime. ;)

HUGS to you LouLou!!

[gina42]

thank you both for your replies.

thank you for making me feel welcome.

i'm feeling 'lost' at the moment, dont know how i feel. my husband told me he had a fantasy that he wanted to dress up in womens clothes. i accepted this but now he is telling me he wants to sleep with another man and that he is bisexual. (oh how the plot thickens!!)

i just dont know how to deal with this. do women let their husbands sleep with men to fulfill thier fantasy? i just dont know hwta to do for the best.

HELP!!!

LouLou


loulou ~~
you are very much welcome here and i know that if you ever have any questions or just need to talk hon,there are a whole lot of folks here including myself that would be more than willing to talk with you~esp me..
many folks know here that i am married to a very loving man who is a bi crossdresser and i love him with all my heart....
i know that you must be very confused and lost in thought loulou but i am here if you would like to talk,and plz if you dont see me online you can send a pvt message anytime to me or any other member...take care,gina42

[jedinudist]

hi,

I hope you dont mind me joining your community. i have just found out after being married 2 years that my husband is bisexual. I am a bit confussed as to what to say or how to support him. I am a bit confussed that i'm not sure if my marriage is over or not. I dont know how to feel at the moment. can a marriage survive with one party being bi? please if anyone has any advice for me i would gratefully recieve it. if i have offended anyone by coming on this site please tell me, i am looking to support my husband but am not sure how.

thank you for your time

LouLou.

A marriage can not only survive when one of it's members is bisexual, it can grow ever stronger, as evidenced not only by my own marriage (to the most wonderful woman on Earth), but by others like Flounder and Mrs. F as well as countless others.

You have not only NOT offended anyone here, you have found the RIGHT PLACE! There are many here in a similar situation as yours; i.e.- learning after they are married that their spouse is bisexual. Sometimes, both spouses are members here, and you will learn that there are many wonderful people here who are ready and willing to lend an ear as well as some sage advice.

My wife knew about my sexuality before we ever got close to marrying, however, there are many happy marriages where a spouse came out after the vows.

The key things to a successful marriage are always: Love, commitment, Love, understanding, Love, patience, and Love; no matter what the orientations of the two spouses are.

Welcome to the site. I We wish you and your husband peace and love on your journey

Blessed Be~

[Brian]

hi,

I hope you dont mind me joining your community. i have just found out after being married 2 years that my husband is bisexual. I am a bit confussed as to what to say or how to support him. I am a bit confussed that i'm not sure if my marriage is over or not. I dont know how to feel at the moment. can a marriage survive with one party being bi? please if anyone has any advice for me i would gratefully recieve it. if i have offended anyone by coming on this site please tell me, i am looking to support my husband but am not sure how.

thank you for your time

LouLou. You are very, very welcome here LouLou! It must be a difficult time for you, and I congratulate you for seeking out information. I am sure our members can help you.

For starters, I think you may find this link very helpful, it is a great organization: Straight Spouse Support Network (http://www.ssnetwk.org/) They have many support groups, and can hook you up with real live people to talk to who have been through what you are going through.

You ask "can a marriage survive with one party being bi?"

As the replies thus far show, you will find many, many stories on this site that prove that the answer is "YES!", marriage and bisexuality are NOT incongruous. I am not married so I cannot speak to it directly, but perhaps those of you who are in a marriage can share even more of your stories. What makes a marriage, where one partner is bi, work?

- Drew :paw:

[Manatee]

Loulou, I am just a few days into the same thing. We will have been married four years in October. I just heard from the Straight Spouse Network (SSN) Drew mentioned, I'll be talking to a professional counselor, and my husband (MikeW) and I have talked... and talked... and talked... I know I'm asking him some difficult questions, and he's answering them all.

We know that we won't have any easy answers. We are committed to honesty and love, wherever they lead us. It may lead us in separate directions, or not. It is scary as hell... but at least I know I'm not alone, and I am hopeful we can figure out a lifestyle that will make us both happy. I hope to get ideas for that from here, the SSN, and the counsellor.

The fact that your husband told you about his desires means a lot. That willingness to be honest despite the risk of you rejecting him took courage and commitment. Our counsellor pointed out that, although that attraction to same-sex is similar to opposite-sex desires, he can go home and satisfy the one with his wife, but the body parts just aren't there to satisfy the other. So it is different from wanting an affair. Other than a few such truths, I am still confused too.

Best of luck to you on your journey. We may share the path at times - please give me a shout when you see me elsewhere or here, any time you feel like it.

Y'all who replied, thanks from me as well. I have been unsure of my reception here too. Seems like a good bunch. Bless you.

Tee

[KatieBi]

Hello and welcome, LouLou! Not being married, I can't give much advice/help in that department, but I do want to say that you are very much welcome here and I know there are lots of great people here who can support and share their own experience with you. (((HUG!)))

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs ya loulou

welcome to bisexual.com...lol

ok... ya hubbys bisexual and dresses like a lady and admitted it to you...... lucky you.... a lot of hubbies would have never admitted to that....

loulou... bisexual doesn't mean he has to sleep with guys.... it means he chooses to..... and yeah i know some bisexuals will disagree with that remark lol
I am bisexual... but i also choose if i have sex with another person outside of a relationship or marriage lol.....the risk being, that I risk the trust and safety of my partners arms and their health, on my desire to have sex outside of the two of us

as manatee said.... oftens its not a case of having a affair.... its a need for a desire to be furfilled that can go beyond the sexual and into the mental and emotional.....that is often the case with a * true * bisexual.....
a * true * bisexual is a step beyond a hermaphodite....we have just the one sexual part not both.... but we have the needs, wants and desires of both sexes...and as you may understand... straight people often have the needs, wants and desires of the opposite gender, gays and lesbians have the needs wants and desires of the same sex.... true bisexuals have the needs, wants and desires of both sexes.... but it DOESN'T mean we have to have sex with both sexes to meet those wants, needs and desires

if you look at your partners crossdressing...thats a strong outward sign of his strong feminine side showing.....thats not a bad thing.... its a bloody good thing, in that, hes both male and female, mentally....and thats normally found in feminine gays..... if you read up on feminine gays, you find that ladies often say they are easier to talk with, and relate to, than 100% masculine straight or gay males.....you are a very lucky lady, in that your partner have almost the best of all the possible worlds in him and you can benefit from that if you so desire

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hi Loulou,

Oh hunny I know you are going through a difficult time right now. But you have come to a wonderful warm safe place.. There are many straight spouses here. If you go through the message boards and read some of the posts from men who just came out to their wives or are still pondering it. You will see that they are completely in love with their wives. Drew gave you the link to an excellant resource. Me and my husband are both bi, he knew about me from the beginning, I didn't find out about him until 4 months into the marriage and we have been married 6 years since. Very much in love and have spoken in great detail to each other on what we get emotionally/physically out of being with the same sex. And we have both found that It doesn't take anything away from the marriage. In fact, Just like one of the other members stated, It made it stronger and more enjoyable.

I applaud your courage and determination to understand. But more importantly so will your husband. Welcome aboard Loulou.

[guycurious]

I am a man who recently (1 week ago) confessed my bi-seuxal side to my wife. She said, "I already knew and it's no big deal."

The fact that your husband had the courage to confess his sexual desires demonstrates his faith in your relationship. That means a lot.

To me, sex is something that makes people feel good. Now, I don't advocate running around humping everthing in sight. I can recall having bi thoughts all the way back to my childhood. I tried to repress, make them go away so I could be 'normal' but the feelings just came back with a vengeance.

For my situation, I told my wife that I couldn't do anything (sexually) that didn't involve her. Now, she is somewhat conservative so I'm not sure how out first sexual situation that has another male involved will go. We have talked about it and both understand that if either starts to feel uncomfortable that it ends, period.

To me, having a threesome with my wife and another woman is no different than having a threesome with my wife and another man.

My wife knows whole-heartedly that I will love her until the end of time. I am still greatly attracted to her. Our sex life is great.

So, I'm not sure if my message has helped but I hope so. If you have questions for your husband, then ask. Don't keep them inside

[Azrael]

Yes, your husband definetly gets a gold star for being honest, which I find to be the critical element in any relationship. It's not going to be easy to figure out everything at once, but it's not all that difficult. It's just going to take some patience on the part of both of you. I'm not the best person for relationship advice as mine of 2 1/2 years ended a few months ago, but we were both bi and that was not the problem. We just came to realize we weren't what either of us needed. That being because we stopped being honest with ourselves. If you have a problem, openly discuss it, rather than hoping it'll go away. I wish you both the best of luck with one another.

[FalconAngel]

Welcome to the community.
What we will say will probably just mirror what so many others have said, but here goes anyway.

I am the Bisexual male half of a mixed orientation m/f couple. My wife is straight.
Honesty, as you know, is crucial in any good relationship. Your husband seems to have been very honest with you about his sexuality and feelings; maybe too honest for you to handle right away, but it's now out there for you and him to deal with TOGETHER. :bigrin: I came out to my wife early on when we were first dating. It was quite a shock to her, which I was more than happy to help her understand. As in our case, honesty on my part about how I felt about her and about my sexuality helped our relationship survive. If the two of you work together and are both honest about your feelings and interests, yours will survive as well.

At first it does seem to to be you alone dealing with this "new" development, but it is, in fact, the two of you together that must work out this issue to find an acceptable middle ground that the two of you can work with.
In our case, the solution that we have involves finding male partners to play with together. Some send spouses their partners out to play alone and still others turn a blind eye to it and pretend that they don't know what is going on.
In the end, what you choose to do together is completely up to you both. Not every solution is for everyone.

You mentioned that your husband has expressed an interest in crossdressing; Are you comfortable with that idea? Sit down and talk it over with him. Talk over everything. Be as supportive and honest with him as he seems to be with you and work out a comfortable level between you.

In a very real way, having a bisexual partner is a lot like being swingers. Honesty is critical, it adds an extra dimension to your sex lives (if it's been healthy before, it will be real interesting now) ;) , and it can be very liberating for both of you.

As we said, be honest with each other about all of this and you will be able to find a middle ground that works for the both of you.

[gina42]

Welcome to the community.
What we will say will probably just mirror what so many others have said, but here goes anyway.

I am the Bisexual male half of a mixed orientation m/f couple. My wife is straight.
Honesty, as you know, is crucial in any good relationship. Your husband seems to have been very honest with you about his sexuality and feelings; maybe too honest for you to handle right away, but it's now out there for you and him to deal with TOGETHER. :bigrin: I came out to my wife early on when we were first dating. It was quite a shock to her, which I was more than happy to help her understand. As in our case, honesty on my part about how I felt about her and about my sexuality helped our relationship survive. If the two of you work together and are both honest about your feelings and interests, yours will survive as well.

At first it does seem to to be you alone dealing with this "new" development, but it is, in fact, the two of you together that must work out this issue to find an acceptable middle ground that the two of you can work with.
In our case, the solution that we have involves finding male partners to play with together. Some send spouses their partners out to play alone and still others turn a blind eye to it and pretend that they don't know what is going on.
In the end, what you choose to do together is completely up to you both. Not every solution is for everyone.

You mentioned that your husband has expressed an interest in crossdressing; Are you comfortable with that idea? Sit down and talk it over with him. Talk over everything. Be as supportive and honest with him as he seems to be with you and work out a comfortable level between you.

In a very real way, having a bisexual partner is a lot like being swingers. Honesty is critical, it adds an extra dimension to your sex lives (if it's been healthy before, it will be real interesting now) ;) , and it can be very liberating for both of you.

As we said, be honest with each other about all of this and you will be able to find a middle ground that works for the both of you.


FalconAngel,
well put my friend and my hubby told me eairly on in our relationship as well~and yes it is alot like swinging but the key is to always talk and be honest with one another....

Loulou,
ive sent you a few off line messages so please feel free to call or email my friend,take care gina42

[Nara_lovely]

Honesty. Talk. Ask. Listen. Think. Converse.

All the qualities needed for any strong relationship.

(I'm sure there are more that can be added)

I think you are on the right track, both of you! *HUGS*

[loulou1978]

i cant believe the responses i've had from you all, thank you so much. between all of you i fell like super woman and that i can conquer the whole world!! i am feeling really positive. you guys are amazing. i never expected to be welcomed so well, i thought i'd have messages telling me that i was intruding on your space and to buzz off ( to put it politely!!)

i have spoken to my husband and told him to join up here too coz i'm not the only person who needs support, it mush be extremely difficult telling a partner that you are bisexual.

i am hoping that with a bit of time i will be able to help and suggest ways to help fulfill my husbands disires. i know its going to take time but we have a whole life time together and we WILL make it, especially after all the encouraging words of wisdom from you all. just knowing that i am not the only one going through this and that many many people before me have gone through it and can look back and say they have got through it and are extremely happy and stronger because of what has happened.

thank you thank you thank you!

i love you all and think you are all amazing wonderful people.

love

Louise.xxxxxxxxx

[biandu]

Hi loulou-

great to see you here. welcome. sending you and your husband all the best communication vibes the universe has to offer.

i really don't have that much to say as far as what to do, or any profound advice.. but i think you are a special person and brave to even want to explore outside your comfort zone. your husband is lucky to have you in his life. again, welcome.

biandu.

[mistymockingbird]

Welcome loulou. There are some amazing people here and I hope you (and your husband) find this site beneficial.

Others have said this much already, but I have to echo the sentiment. Orientation and fidelity are two completely seperate issues. The fact that your hubby feels like he can share everything about himself with you is a wonderful thing. No relationship, regardless of its nature, can survive with out open communication.

Best of luck to you.

[BI BOYTOY]

hi,

I hope you dont mind me joining your community. i have just found out after being married 2 years that my husband is bisexual. I am a bit confussed as to what to say or how to support him. I am a bit confussed that i'm not sure if my marriage is over or not. I dont know how to feel at the moment. can a marriage survive with one party being bi? please if anyone has any advice for me i would gratefully recieve it. if i have offended anyone by coming on this site please tell me, i am looking to support my husband but am not sure how.

thank you for your time

LouLou.
hey loulou wecolme to the site. you are welcolme here,you are not offending anyone. quite the opposite,it is good you came to this site.their are alot of people that will help in understanding your husband.and just because he has come out to you does not mean your marrage is over.he is being honest with you witch is important in a marrage.im also married. so i know alittle :eek: anyway i just wanted to tell you to try and be patient with him.and if anybody tells you he cant be true to you just because he is bisexual they are wrong. hope to see you in chat wishing you althe best :bigrin: :bigrin: :bigrin: :bibounce:

[Avocado]

First of all welcome to the forum :bibounce:

I'm a male bisexual engaged to a straight woman, she was shocked when I told her but she was ok about it after a couple of days. I'm going to answer 2 questions seperately. The 1st is, can a bisexual be faithful to one person? The answer is yes. The 2nd is, what to do about him wanting to do stuff? Well that's completely up to you as there's certainly no easy answer. My fiancee would be equally shocked if I told her I wanted to do stuff with another man or a woman, and her attitude certainly wouldn't be bravo for being honest with her about it and I can sympathise with that. Still it's better for him to be honest with you about it than cheat behind your back. This is really a decision for you I'm afraid. Best of luck whatever you do. :2cents:

[Qetesh]

Hi LouLou
I found out my hubby was bi back in january. I've known him for 10 years and had no clue, so it was a HUGE shock. I didnt experience the reaction that most women in our shoes do apparently (so i've been told). The first couple of weeks was spent helping my hubby come to terms with it as he'd been in denial for soooooooooo long. It was simple thing like asking him what his 'ideal' man would be like (that felt a bit strange, having that conversation) and bringing him to this site, just things to get him to think about it as he was so used to just denying those feelings. I personally have given hubby permission to be with a man when he feels ready. Its something I cant provide so I have no issues with him going else where, its not an insult just a fact of nature. But I've always been pretty open minded in that way :) . I've heard of a lot of women leaving straight away so I applaud you for trying to work through this. As for how to deal with it, talk to him A LOT, and look on the bright side, the whole new kinky sex life you'll enjoy (if you want to :bigrin: )
Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.
Take care
Claire