Life, Death, Hellos, Tea & Rice

[ddbmma]

Often we are each asked how we fare. It is a question I
no longer feel compelled to answer. Days for me have
become a gray blurred repeating blob.

I have a great wife, very thankful of that. We love one
another dearly. Her advice though equates to, "go get
the shovel."

Allow me to explain. I see no point to continue the
course life has granted. However, I've no recourse to
altering that chart.

Sure, I may do things a bit different each day, but it
all stays fairly much the same. We're living below
federal poverty standards. There are no longer careers,
unless you want to join the military.

Bad experience there, too. Apparently in 1996 they had
standards as to what it took to weld ship hauls
together, physically. Obviously, I'm not pulling the 20
+ years I had dreamed of since the age of four.

Why does a four old dream of careers in the military?
My dad, who left me when I was two, was a Marine,
grandfather, uncle were Army Infantry. I wanted to be
mom's man and protect her. It was also a 'good living'.

Without careers, people improvise and do the best they
can. I for example write. So far writing has been a
joke. I have great stories, write well enough. They
just aren't "what we're looking to publish from a new
author."

My wife provides me some bit of inspiration. When
Hallmark sent me a package asking me to choose, writer
or editor, she laughed. "You see the sheer crap they
expect you to submit or edit? No baby, you can't do
that."

As I've been submitting to a easrtwhile and reputable
literary journal, she laughs when reading a sample copy
of their publication. "No wonder you can't give them
what they want, you don't write slop." Meanwhile, I
lose the handsome cash they pay.

This in no way says I value cash. It helps pay bills,
that's all. Our basic ideology of money here is simple.
"Don't worry if we got it, don't worry if we don't have
it."

I've told Christy, my loving wife, "Money grows on
trees. All I need to do is write my best and hope
someone wants it. Then, we'll plant money trees." If
I'm able to sell a manuscript, yes money then in fact
is grown on trees.

That is much like men and I, though. I don't see myself
finding a man to love, or to be loved by. Don't see a
manuscript selling, either.

"Hey Ben, you're wallowing in self pity." No, actually
I gave up pity about five years ago, after reading
Carlos Castanada. I am merely being pragmatic and
honest with myself. That hurts, but I keep going.

"So why are you posting this?" Well I am going to
explain a few things. We cannot move to better 'jobs'
because moving requires, 1. money, 2. another home. I
could possibly find a job whilst writing, though I
loathe giving up 15 hr days of writing. And, presently
there really aren't many 'jobs' open, anyway.

Christy needs a surgery. It is nothing life
threatening, unless you consider her not getting it
causing her to possibly wreck a car, life threatening.
She needs her eyes fixed, that costs my left testicle.

I'm not much of one to say much. If this offends,
apologies. Less I speak when seeing that chatting about
life causes no changes. Sure, people may offer good
advice, once in a blue moon. I do usually listen to
good advice, too. But, there's a point when even if the
advice is followed nothing changes.

So, now you may understand why I don't talk much. No
point ruining everyone's fun in the room. Everyone has
their own problems, not for me to unload on others,
apologies for even this much. Excuse me now.

[arana]

While Life scares me more then death these days, I do enjoy a good bowl of tea gohan and the hello's of friends and strangers I meet along the way.......

Speaking in chat is not mandatory Ben, everyone comes here for their own reasons. It's not all just hook ups and sex. I hope not anyway. Chat can be an escape from the real world. A place to forget your troubles for at least a little while. Be it bantering or just watching the dialog, finding out about yourself or sexual....whatever helps you make it through another day is what's important. I hope we at least help in that respect. I know the site has done wonders for me some days.

I hope things start looking up for you soon. I will send out all the fairy dust I can to help.

((((( Ben ))))))

[DiamondDog]

good luck Ben.

[twodelta]

[QUOTE=ddbmma]

I'm not much of one to say much. If this offends,
apologies. Less I speak when seeing that chatting about
life causes no changes. Sure, people may offer good
advice, once in a blue moon. I do usually listen to
good advice, too. But, there's a point when even if the
advice is followed nothing changes.


Hey ddbmma - First, let me say, thank You for the background, it makes it easier to respond to Your concerns.

Now, as far as responding, let me say that this may sound harsh, but it is given with loving intentions and not as critisism. It is also not said to be boastful, but to show You what can be accomplished with extreme conviction. I was once where You are now. Maybe, even in a deeper funk than You are currently in. However, after several years of diehard conviction to changing my plight, I'm now living a life that I never dreamed possible. Is it easy to change Your situation? Not only NO, but HELL NO!! Nothing ever came easy, but when it did come, it was appreciated all the more. I won't go into detail in this forum as to my own story, if You want more details You can e-mail me and I will provide privately.

What I want to do here, is leave You with a piece of sage advice that was given to me when I was up to my eyeballs in debt and seriously considering suicide. "If You keep doing what You've always been doing - You'll keep getting what You've always been getting". In other words, if You want change in Your life, You have to change the way You are living! And, unfortunately, You are the only one that has the answers. You have to dig deep inside and formulate a plan on how to get where You want to be. No one else can do that for You. Again, is it easy? NO, but I can tell You from experience, that it is definately worth it.

I truely hope for You the best of luck, and I hope that You will keep us aprised of Your situation. It could help someone else that is where You are now - Dave

[ddbmma]

twodelta,

Allow me to assure you, it did not sound harsh. In fact I understand shooting from the hip. Nice running aim you've got there, too. Much what I've said to others on that side of the issue. Now, on to my reply.

Is it easy to change Your situation? Not only NO, but HELL NO!! Nothing ever came easy, but when it did come, it was appreciated all the more.

I'm not expecting it to be easy. Everything has came hard for me all my life.
I do appreciate everything I have more so because of it. Living is hard, I accept that. (See reply to arana about acceptence, thanks.)

"If You keep doing what You've always been doing - You'll keep getting what You've always been getting". In other words, if You want change in Your life, You have to change the way You are living! And, unfortunately, You are the only one that has the answers. You have to dig deep inside and formulate a plan on how to get where You want to be. No one else can do that for You.

Thanks for the psychogy 101. I apologize, let me be fair.

I am NOT suicidal.

I have cleaned my mother up after suicide attempts, kept her from 'slipping away'. Become real good at being a rock after thirteen or so such attempts. You learn psychology 101, and then some, on the run as it were.

I appreciate your concern & advice. My apologies, it does not apply to the situation. I know nothing else to change, nor have resources to change anything. I could get buried in writing, but excuse me for being human.

Although with Christy constantly at work, I'm having my doubts on how much I retain as human. Alone with cats all day sort of causes really strange thoughts. :) "Must have tuna dinner in a can, me eeeeeeat now!" Ops, sorry got possessed by my kitten (son) Boomer.

What I have left is me returning to Virginia where I know people, locating work, then sending for her. We both agree this is not something we feel apt to do. I could divorce her, but damn why I get married? Oh wait I love her, that's right. Sorry, that'll remain, so no divorce.

As for locating a man, I could possibly travel forty miles away, go to a bar and pay to enter. Sit, get hit on by guys who'd screw anything with a pulse, at least for one night. Pardon me for not caring much for that route of living, not only would the trip be costly, but I'd find no joy.

Back to writing a saleable manuscript. It could be done, I suppose. In fact I know it shall be done, no doubts on my end. Meanwhile, it gets frustrating merely living, not knowing when the next pile of feces is going to hit the fan.

Again, thank you for your advice. I am lost, and if this appears as me lashing out, apologies. Merely relaying a bit more of the bigger picture from my end. If I thought something could be changed to better things, I'd not be here. I would be making the changes without hesitation.

"Ben, do I detect a bit of psychosis in that last statement?" You may and frankly I do not care how you percieve that. Again, my apologies for even bothering everyone, I know talking often does not help.

Arana,

Chat can be an escape from the real world. A place to forget your troubles for at least a little while. Be it bantering or just watching the dialog, finding out about yourself or sexual....whatever helps you make it through another day is what's important. I hope we at least help in that respect.

Well, Carson served a purpose. I actually have to recall my troubles when in chat. No one needs to 'watch' what they say or anything. I'll just remain silent, blankly stare.

Poverty would be an improvement here. I watch others talk of things I once took forgranted, Christy once did too. Those people ought to be proud, to be thankful. I'm not saying they shouldn't be, I would be. But, seeing it in chat makes for feeling of being outside looking inward.

Does it help? No, but it doesn't hurt either. That's just how life is, always will be. I can accept it, doesn't mean I need like it. I do enjoy seeing hope within the room. That is perhaps the greatest gift you all give.

It honors and humbles me to be in the company of such great people. Thank you.

DiamondDog,

Thanks.

[Haemoglobin]

something about this whole topic and this whole thread seemed so weird to me , cannot even explain what , but maybe this is about feelings and lifes i have no idea of . . possibly , but i read every line and i really got no response that makes any sense . one thing i do recognize is that you , ddbmma , have a good sense of self . . . anyways , im the one from the chat, i think we had the "was i flirting or not - problem" . . i wasnt . . :tongue:

[Avocado]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You're not bothering anyone. Your post is what life is about. Life is aload of shit, you struggle, you get nothing, and the only things you can do about it, you do, and that's still not enough. Don't ever feel you're not aload to talk about it. I'll see if you're in next time I'm in chat, I would love to talk to you in there. I've got a fiancee and her department's getting shut down in 2 years. I've got aspergers, am struggling to get a job, and 88% of us don't have full time work! People are not judged in this world over whether they can do a job or not, or whether or not they're a good person. We're both posting on the net yet you need the net to find a job! Just remember that whatever happens us and our wives will struggle together. Don't give up the fight.

[ddbmma]

Haemoglobin,

one thing i do recognize is that you , ddbmma , have a good sense of self

That is something gained by lots of hard work, displacing ego. Yes I have an ego, but it is small. There is really no need being arogant. I can be proud of what I accomplish, yes, but that doesn't give over keys to all kingdoms.

One thing within life which has remained constant with me, "know thyself, for in knowing thyself you know everyone." I'll damned if I can recall which author suggested studying self, possibly Nietzsche, to learn about others. I know the oracle of Delphi said as much, too. It is something found highly useful here.

Although, borrowing from Richard Bach, I refuse knowing fully. If I knew all limits within, then no surprises would be forthcoming. That would make life too dull. So, yes I know myself well, but not too well.

anyways , im the one from the chat, i think we had the "was i flirting or not - problem" . . i wasnt . .

Well honestly I do not care if you were or not. You may if you want, but please understand, currently I'm not interested in becoming involved with a woman. Good clean honest flirting and joking around is great, I love it. But I do know the limits.

Apologies if I mistook your assertive nature as crossing over some invisible line in this pea brain here. I'm sure arana can tell you all about the debauchary foisted by me at times. We often 'cut up' a bit in the room.

Avocado,

Your post is what life is about. Life is aload of shit, you struggle, you get nothing, and the only things you can do about it, you do, and that's still not enough.

Exactly, and there are moments you step aside into a secure alcove, and wonder about the worth of it all. Perhaps, I am realizing how fortunate it is to have friends on this site. Oh no, I may even relax and confess to being the sixth man on the grassy knoll. (Special message to Alphabet types, the last line was a joke.)


Don't ever feel you're not aload to talk about it. I'll see if you're in next time I'm in chat, I would love to talk to you in there. I've got a fiancee and her department's getting shut down in 2 years. I've got aspergers, am struggling to get a job, and 88% of us don't have full time work!

It isn't a matter of feeling disallowed by others. More aptly it is something within me, which growls primally when I 'open up' to others. "Do not talk of the darkness!" And honestly when talking doesn't help, is there a point to continue discussing it?

Right now, I am starting fifteen hour days of writing. I must get at least 250 words per hour into a novel draft. Last week I got roughly 3,000 words, so if I fudge today it is made up. This is me moving forward at the best pace I can do. "hooyah hey, just another running day!" I used to get 3-4,000 words a day, was a real beast for hammering keyboards into ill repair.

Seriously, I had one keyboard smoking from shorting out, as I hunt and pecked on it with a speed of a gazelle in heat. I ought to learn to type I know, but it hurts my hands severely to hold fast to home row, bend the wrists to ergo form and all that jive. Besides, under the hunt & peck method it's memory of the keys which saves me.

I didn't have aspergers, but understand a special need. They drilled communication into me during school. It was seen as a way to temper out the mettle of the cold rage within. If I get pissed off, I black out and forget everything, have been known to put people in I.C.U.. That is no good for me because it takes away responsibility.

"He's not responsible for beating the guy nearly to death, he was pissed off." Sorry, that's an excuse and the easy way. Much better to talk things out with someone. "Look bud, you're being a jerk. Chill alright?" Of course there are a few types of people I want no part of words together. I strongly dislike abusers, hence my rationale for the growling, "do not talk of darkness!"

I do not want to become the monster faced as a child. I shall not! So, I comprehend the disadvantage. And you're correct, it ultimately isn't about the 'work', the title, but the person. And right you are about sometimes a person's best not being enough. Which is probably the pill I'm having difficulty swallowing. No, it isn't out of pride. It's out of "oh my what more can I do to move forward?"

Acceptence is the real bitch behind life, I think. She comes without a gel cap version. And now I'll close, hope to see you in the room, too. If I don't speak much, please be understanding. I'm a quiet person normally, only saying what I find a need to be said, after thinking twice, unless of course I'm cutting up with friends. :) Then I'm plain out cheeky.

[Haemoglobin]

now i added another opinion about you to my brain , whatever i think youre maybe smth like an excentric writer . . i think their problem always is the same , but you look like you could be the next nietzsche , a nihilistic crazy man with weird opinions about life . its good to read his books , its bad to really believe in him . . maybe smth is wrong with the translation , in my language , his too , it makes no sense at all . latest when i read "der wille zur macht" i just thought , he somehow really needed a doctor :tong:
but i understand that nietzsche is one of the most mentioned writers when it comes to a lot of things depressive people start doing . . beeing nihilistic , suicidal , sarcastic , depression itself .

dont you people have your own autors to quote ? i guess not . . :tongue:

no offense taken , dont be mad hah ? :rolleyes: its just not what i wanna discuss anyways , wierd threat .

[Azrael]

My grandmother went on some tangent trying to convince me that nihilism is a counterpart to terrorism because it's been the philosophy of choice of a revolutionary movement or two. Things like this are why I am a total context whore :cool:

[Nara_lovely]

As a fellow writer....it is hard to be yourself and create when your mind, heart, and soul is so heavy.

I was asked once: Can you live without writing? My answer was no.

The kick up the butt was "Well stop complaining and just keep at it. Trust it will be there when you need it".

...never give up! Never, never, never, never.

[Azrael]

Or it can put you in your creative peak at times, from my experiences hither and yon. It all depends on the individual. Writing is part creative process and huge part catharsis for me. A way of organizing my own head into something workable.

[ddbmma]

Nihilism!?

Oh my farking gawds that I don't worship. Sorry, not into nihilism. I find it a self refuting and therefore non-existing school of thought. A nihilist needs to believe in nothing, but that nothing is in fact something, because it has been labeled.

Perhaps, it best I merely say there is another view not quite so distruaght as you people are keen to present. I'm doing the best to get by for myself and those I love. If I manage living to the most high truth I can, then great!

"We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The
amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castenada

And presently I've grown tired of being miserable. Part of the reason for that misery I find is lacking social input. That's something of choice for me, being INTP does not help matters.

Going into chat here also seems counterproductive. So, I'm trying a few different things, as was suggested earlier. That means I'm not visiting chat so much, keeping busy with scheduled writing. Fifteen hour days are great, after you get past the psychotic episodes caused by cats telling you that you must move as they do. :)

Our current weather http://tinyurl.com/3p6fg should indicate how we're moving. Well, better scoot, need do another hourly blitz of writing. And for any wanting to know what the problem is, let me make it simple.

Fairy tale knights are a rare breed, rarer still one who'll share a guy with the guy's wife. That is not entirely sexual, nor entirely not sexual. And life's general grinding of the psyche, but everyone faces that. So, in summary I'm tired of working myself to misery for no solutions, going to keep busy with mindless writing.

Not writing for publication, either, screw that. They don't want good work, as is evidenced from a few top sellers currently. I'll write to live and please myself. At least I may have a knight is some erotic tale, ha! Who needs a real guy or a dildo?

Eccentric, me? "What clued you in?" :)

P.S. I don't worship Nietzsche, merely find him quite consise on some points of life. Then so too is Lucius Annaeus Seneca, in the end it truly doesn't matter the school of thought, we're all one heart and mind. If that offends you there are no apologies.

[Azrael]

Not a nihilist either, I just find the fear of a basic philosophical perspective amusing.