Angry with my parents.

[dseven]

Hi everyone, so tonight I'm not being able to sleep. I felt sad and angry and I realized that the reason why I'm so angry is that I'm angry with my parents.
The thing is that I accepted myself, my close friends accept me, my regular friends accept me and even aquaintances accept me, and even if they don't, I'm getting closer and closer to not caring (for example the other day I was kinda bullied by an outraged gay guy who couldn't accept that bisexuality exists, yep a gay guy, isn't it ironic??).

But, now the problem is with my parents. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine made me cry like a little baby because he made me uncover a truth that I was covering because I didn't want to deal with it. The fact that my parents do not accept my bisexuality. I don't know if they know, but if they do, the "don't ask don't tell" thing also annoys me.
When I told my parents I was bisexual, I was 17 years old, it was in very harsh circumstances; first I told my mother, who denied it, told me it was just a phase, the whole crappy deal. Then I started going out to gay clubs, to explore my new found sexuality, she thought I would go and have sex with anybody and I would get a disease, probably hiv, so she started getting into her own head and her own stupidity, weakness and her closed mind eventually wore her down, when she told my dad.

My dad, well for starters he cried (first time I saw him cry), he told me I was doing it out of spite to them, that I was rebelling and that I was being selfish and wanted to hurt them. He also told me some other delightful things, like whilist crying he said "I already have a retarded daughter and now I have a bi son, I wanna kill myself" (My older sister has down's syndrome).

The problem is that from time to time, I get the urge to scream at him, punch him in the face, as an ex rugby player and judoka, I could deal quite a lot of damage. But somehow I always calm myself down because I know that I couldn't live with myself if I did that and stuff would get complicated.
I also wanna scream at my mother, things like "homosexuality hasn't been a recognized mental ilness for 40 fucking years", cos she thinks that's the case, even being a fucking elementary teacher and having done courses on psychology, development, acceptance, anti-bullying and all that shit. But my parents tend to think that they know more than scientists and specialists.

As you have probably figured out, I'm pretty fucking angry, I'm sweating and I feel my heart pumping hate.

I want my parents to know (not think, not guess, not infere) that I'm bisexual and proud, that my girlfriend and I have shared a guy and we were really happy about it, that I'm happy that way and the only thing that's standing between me and me being fully happy, is them. But I also live with them, I have to see them all the time, and I really don't wanna come home from work or college and have to deal with them.
I think that arguing with them constantly about this would drain my energy, stress me and prevent me from doing the things that I love the way that I love. I'm also still far away from being able to move out from home without seriously crippling my economy.

I need advice people, please.
Thanks.
Hugs
Dseven/Alex.

[elian]

I am very sorry that your parents cannot give you the unconditional love that you are seeking right now. In time they may be able to accept it - of course it is your own life, but while you were growing up your parents had hopes, dreams and ideas about who you might become. Very suddenly those ideas changed..it's almost like going through a grieving process. In the United States we have an organization called PFLAG that is a support group for parents who are coming to terms with having an LGBT child. I am not sure if there is anything similar to PFLAG in your country?

I hope that although you are all going through a tremendous amount of stress that in reality you still all love each other, that is a start. I also hope they realize that you aren't all-the-sudden going to be someone completely different from who you have been for years.

Parents fears about your health, fears about discrimination and what other people may think are all very normal. Parents thinking they have failed in some way is also very normal but sexual orientation is like skin color or gender - you don't ask to be born "different". They need to realize that your sexuality is only one part of who you are as a whole person. It's not about sex,to me it really is about who you choose to love...and any person regardless of gender or sexual preference can get an STD or HIV.

IF your parents accepted you, would that be enough? If they couldn't accept your preference, but still loved you, would that be enough?

I can imagine it's not easy, you are doing the right thing by exercising your discipline, even if it hurts. Some words spoken and actions taken, once done - can never be taken back.

Either way you already know that you are not alone, eventually you will reach a point in your life where your personal self image won't be defined by what other people expect. Hopefully with enough time, patience and love things will heal.

http://www.familiaresdegays.org
http://www.familiaresdegays.org/conocenos

For anything meaningful to happen they have to want to change, even if it's just to get rid of those "bad feelings". It is hard for me to believe that parents don't love their children on at least some level. Parents who have raised a respectful, bright, loving child should be proud of their accomplishments, not ashamed. As painful as it can seem, being bisexual really is a gift, this world is full of hurting people who need love.

If for some reason they just cannot overcome their fears or prejudices then the best I can tell you is to find a nice man or woman who you can be happy with. Find someone who loves you very much, where you can both support each other as equal partners and let that be the start of your family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeLDsBPSzYg

I will keep all of you in my thoughts.

[Annika L]

Hi Alex. I feel your pain, friend, and I am sorry for it. I'm sorry there is bigotry and ignorance in the world, and I'm sorry that you have to experience it with people as close to you as your parents.

Advice? Well, on how to proceed, I would have to know much more about your situation, your family, your city, and probably your culture. It sounds like you are still quite dependent on them, and so while you're there you need to find a way to live with them.

But two things I can offer, in addition to general compassion. One is the perspective that your parents do love you...they may be ignorant, but if they are expressing fear or anger, it's out of love and concern for you. They want the best for you, and don't realize that this needn't ruin your life. I know that's cold comfort, especially right now...but love can be worked with...hatred much less so. So maybe rather than punching them or screaming at them, consider finding ways to educate them. The second is the perspective that although no end with them may currently be in sight, you are really young, and the time will come soon enough when you are financially independent of them. It sounds like you're in college...so I would think on the other side of that...give it all you've got in the meantime, to make sure it leads to a career that can support you. So there will be an end to this time, and before too too long, this will seem like a distant memory. I think you're wise to recognize that violence or serious conflict now will only make things worse.

Your parents may or may not change their mind in time. My partner's parents were/are similarly bigoted, and have not relented...they seem uneducable. Right now they see her once a year if *she* initiates a contact...they will not contact us/her (and when they do get together, if I am mentioned, they get very upset with her...they will not be in a room with me). Personally, I cannot think of any parent who would turn their back on their own child as a real parent. It sounds to me as if your parents are not quite at that level...on the other hand, we achieved financial independence from my partner's parents about 20 years ago...on yet another hand that was when we were 26ish. So as I say, you're young...life is long...times do change. People may or may not...but they don't have to in order for you to be happy.

They are in control of how they feel about you. But you are in control of your happiness, your outlook. Don't pump hate. Frustration certainly, but not hate. The dark side of the Force is powerful in its own way, but dangerous, and ultimately self-destructive. Recognize their love for you, and your love for them, and try to work from there. I still have love and compassion for my partner's parents...I sign their birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc. with a clear and open heart. And (like Scrooge with his nephew) they are welcome here, if they can ever bear to bring themselves here. I'm frustrated with them, certainly. But I will not let their hate defeat my love. As a result, my partner and I share a deep love and are quite happy.

I feel like I'm expressing myself poorly here...possibly because I know how much you're hurting, and I have so little concrete to offer. So I'll stop here, and just wish you well. *hugs*

[dseven]

@Elian, I've accepted myself, I'm happy with the fact that I'm bisexual, I no longer consider it a deadly cancer like I used to think, thanks to my parents, now I consider it as you said, like a gift. Now I'm 22, almost 5 years have passed since that fatidic time. The truth is that at some point, I was so tired of everything that I just said that "it passed" what I actually said to my parents was "I'm choosing to be straight", that was the worst betrayal of all, the one to myself and they forced me to do so. There's no choice here, I like both guys and girls, I can't choose to change my sexual orientation, I knew that then and I know that now, so it was a big betrayal from me to me, forced by my parents. I understand that they might have had aspirations towards what I could become, but they are old enough to understand that idealizations are just fantasies, I've known that for a few years and I'm more than half their age. Am I just really emotionally developed, are they just emotionally undeveloped or maybe a mixture of both?? At least they haven't spoke about it for the last 5 years, but the "don't ask don't tell really hurts too.

@Annika: I understand what you say, and I agree, I know that they did what they did because they loved me and where afraid, but that's no excuse. If I love someone, I must be able to change for that person, or at least give it a serious try, hear them out, listen their point of view, not automatically say "He's a teenager, he has no voice in this" and assume one is right. Once I've established my financial independence, I will tell them, but that seems a long time from that, and patience is not one of my virtues. But, I guess I'll have to wait. After that, if they don't want to talk to me, I'll destroy them. I'll put so much guilt and troubles into them that they'll come crawling back to me. Love the star wars analogy by the way, and I now that the dark side will consume you; I'm all about being happy and enjoying life; I don't like feeling hate. As a singer, each time I go on stage I have to express happiness and euforia, and that's what I usually achieve, that's why I made it my life's objective to be happy.

The problem is that I'm sick of compassion, I'm sick of understanding people's weakness, I'm sick of always being the strong one. I hate having to be the strong one, being strong makes you shield other people's emotions and I hate that, I like being empathic and receptive to what other people feel, that's the way I live. I can't have compassion for people who have betrayed me. People who should've loved me no matter what, but when I stepped outside of the norm, they tried to stomp it in any way they could (being bi is not the only weird thing I have). But what I most hate is the hypocrisy, my mother for example said "we accept you no matter what", old and textbook, but the truth is that she didn't accept squat.
Anyways, I have to go to work, which will help me clear my head.
Thanks!
Hugs
Dseven/Alex.

[elian]

I am sorry that your parents made you feel worse than adequate, and it is true that it takes a lot of energy to always deflect people's bad attitudes. I can see a little more of the problem since they have an excuse to pretend you are straight.

Annika is right, you cannot control how your parents react, you can only control your own self.

I used to resent my parents too, they were very young when they had me and they liked to party a lot . There were some times as a 12 year old boy that I thought I was more of a parent to them than they were to me. For most of my teen years I grew up in anger and spite, listed to loud music, alternative rock was popular then, a little metal. I was a very angry boy and all of it was situational anger (thank God).

Eventually I got my own place, and it took quite a while to figure it all out and make peace.

I wanted more than anything to be loved unconditionally by my parents, but it seemed like we were worlds apart. I was so angry because no matter what I did it seemed like I could never be good enough. I was so sure that one day I would turn around to both of them like a five year old and say, "Look what I can DO!" and they would FINALLY be proud of me. It took my dad passing away very suddenly for me to realize that there are better ways to be motivated in life than by anger and spite.

Trauma is real and for that I am sorry -hugs- Get angry if you want, anger is a natural emotion but be angry at behavior, be angry at circumstances - don't be angry at the people themselves who are fumbling through life the best they can.

Forgiveness is for yourself, not for anyone else. PAIN that we have held in so long often comes out as anger. If you sing, write a song - keep a journal - talk to us, find a meaningful and creative outlet for that energy but please, please don't destroy the life of someone else..there has been too much already. (http://smallsphere.wordpress.com/2012/12/06/tired-of-the-darkness - I could not know that a week later the Newtown CT shooting would take place -sighs- )

Keep working at becoming independent and self-sufficient, you can find a lover and friends who will support you and love you just for who you are. Once you feel that support, then confront your parents if you feel you must but understand that you are ALREADY good enough.

Irrelevant Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FV_MMC7frw

I know that it seems you are suffering but if you remember nothing else, remember that you already ARE the love that you seek. You already ARE worthy. Not a single human being on this planet is absolutely perfect, TRUTH is you have nothing to prove to anyone except yourself. The "great mother" Earth does not abandon her children, ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLF-TQtEEnU

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” - Hafez

[Annika L]

@Annika: I understand what you say, and I agree, I know that they did what they did because they loved me and where afraid, but that's no excuse. If I love someone, I must be able to change for that person, or at least give it a serious try, hear them out, listen their point of view, not automatically say "He's a teenager, he has no voice in this" and assume one is right. Once I've established my financial independence, I will tell them, but that seems a long time from that, and patience is not one of my virtues. But, I guess I'll have to wait. After that, if they don't want to talk to me, I'll destroy them. I'll put so much guilt and troubles into them that they'll come crawling back to me. Love the star wars analogy by the way, and I now that the dark side will consume you; I'm all about being happy and enjoying life; I don't like feeling hate. As a singer, each time I go on stage I have to express happiness and euforia, and that's what I usually achieve, that's why I made it my life's objective to be happy.

The problem is that I'm sick of compassion, I'm sick of understanding people's weakness, I'm sick of always being the strong one. I hate having to be the strong one, being strong makes you shield other people's emotions and I hate that, I like being empathic and receptive to what other people feel, that's the way I live. I can't have compassion for people who have betrayed me. People who should've loved me no matter what, but when I stepped outside of the norm, they tried to stomp it in any way they could (being bi is not the only weird thing I have). But what I most hate is the hypocrisy, my mother for example said "we accept you no matter what", old and textbook, but the truth is that she didn't accept squat.
Anyways, I have to go to work, which will help me clear my head.
Thanks!
Hugs
Dseven/Alex.

I didn't offer my perspective about their love to *excuse* them, hon. I offered it in an attempt to help you, to let you see what this is about so you have a better shot at changing the outcome.

I strongly disagree that if you love someone you must be able to change for them. Love is about accepting another as they are, and vice versa. Being a reasonable person is about hearing another's viewpoint and trying to understand it...that's completely different from love.

Your profile says you're 22...so if that's correct and your parents are still dismissing you as a teenager, someone needs to give them an arithmetic lesson.

If they won't talk to you, you'll destroy them?? Now *that's* hardly mature, is it? That's like letting their hatred and bigotry win. Why on Earth would you want them crawling back, if they're so worthless? No, friend, I'd stay with your happiness and life-enjoying philosophy. A life that's all about control and destruction isn't worth living.

I also disagree that being strong requires you to shield the emotions of others. It's the other way around...shielding the emotions of others requires strength. But it isn't necessary. The emotions of others need to be put to the test sometimes...like muscle, they grow by being stretched, not by being protected.

Now your stuff about unconditional love...I get that, completely. Yes, parents should love their children, as they are. And yes, society does make a much bigger deal about being yourself than it is able to sustain. "You're beautiful just the way you are! Um, unless you're gay...or bi...or too smart...or too stupid...or too fat...or into kinks...or poly...or...." But sick of compassion? What if compassion was being directed toward you? Would you be sick of it then? No...it's what you're saying you are lacking. But if you cannot show compassion and love toward people, then you cannot expect it from them.

Clearly your current issue is that you need time and distance from these people before you can make progress. The question is what can you right now to get that distance? And what can you do to make the time as short as possible? Again, I can't answer these, knowing as little as I do about your situation...but I think answering them is the right direction for you to put your thoughts.

[FinkDoodle]

Hell, I haven't talked to my parents for over 20 years and I've never been happier. What I do with my body is my business and nobody else's . .

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Alex, move out, find your own way in the world and quit letting this fester at you like a sliver under the skin. Its Your life, and you cant live it being under their roof and having to conform to Their decrees. You shouldnt have to validate yourself to Anyone, especially you sex life. That's Your business.
Get your own place and get yourself some peace of mind. Its that easy.
Cat

[tenni]

Cat has a good point for people living in North America. I am not sure but I sense that the society that you live in favours children remaining at home until they marry? It may be more difficult to leave a family home under those circumstances. I didn't think that Argentina was as restrictive but I know that even some Canadian families with first generation Italian backgrounds hold this value about adult children living at home. Cat's point may still be valid for you even if your background holds the concept that adult children remain at home you may need to break away from your family. Move to another city may be the escape if family tradition dictates you staying at home until marriage.

[dseven]

Annika, when I say "shielding emotions" I just mean from them, so that they don't see that I'm angry at them (or at least they see it less) and they don't ask why, if they don't ask I don't have to tell.
I'll wait until my economy can support me living alone (or at least not at home) and then I'll tell them, if they want to speak, we'll do it in a neutral ground, and if they don't want to speak with me anymore, then I'll be angry, because I'm a pretty awesome person and I'm their son, they shouldn't care about little things like with whom I sleep or fall in love. If they can't see it, they deserve to be punished until they realize their mistake. I'll give them a fair chance to understand what I feel and who I am, I'm not a child or a teenager anymore I have a serious job, multiple projects, a career and a future.

What do you guys and gals think??

[Annika L]

Annika, when I say "shielding emotions" I just mean from them, so that they don't see that I'm angry at them (or at least they see it less) and they don't ask why, if they don't ask I don't have to tell.
I'll wait until my economy can support me living alone (or at least not at home) and then I'll tell them, if they want to speak, we'll do it in a neutral ground, and if they don't want to speak with me anymore, then I'll be angry, because I'm a pretty awesome person and I'm their son, they shouldn't care about little things like with whom I sleep or fall in love. If they can't see it, they deserve to be punished until they realize their mistake. I'll give them a fair chance to understand what I feel and who I am, I'm not a child or a teenager anymore I have a serious job, multiple projects, a career and a future.

What do you guys and gals think??

Everything you say here makes sense to me...if your parents don't want to have anything to do with you, I agree they "deserve to be punished"...but I disagree that it should be you doing the punishing...that only diminishes you. If their bigotry causes them to lose a relationship with their child, that will be incredibly punishing to them (as my partner's parents are being punished)...and the longer it goes, the more punishing it will be. You just living your life and being happy will be a punishment for them. But if you specifically lash out in anger, then you are tainted for that, and will be punished for it in turn. Just be happy, dear. And leave judgment and punishment in the right hands.

[rodman2005]

Alex, I would quit talking about your sex life. When you talk about friends talk about both male ones and female ones. Keep some privacy! Shut up and live at home as long as you can!

[elian]

I guess I did the same thing with my parents growing up. They knew I was unhappy but I never would come out and tell them why..eventually I could get my own place and things felt much better. I never really hated them, because my being gay wasn't anyone's fault..they just didn't understand.

If you knew that you could confide in them without starting all the drama then it would make sense to let them help you but this time I think you might be better off getting support from friends instead.