LOOKING FOR ANSWERS!! FLIP FLPPING (male)

[B-don]

Hey Everyone,

I'm not so confused anymore about my desires. I'm very high on the heterosexuality end of the spectrum, but this really bothers me.

When my libido is high and I feel strong and vital, I lust after women. I still have some male fantasies, but predominately female.

When I'm stressed or feel LOW SELF ESTEEM (?) I suddenly stop lusting for women, and I'll fantasize about receprical anal sex with a
man's body. (Though almost never is the guy's face involved)
A lot of the time, when i watch hetero porn, I fantasize about being THE WOMAN in the videos! And in lesbian videos, same deal.

I know it's not smart to get hung up on how a male "should feel," but still... it just bothers me.
Mainly because there is this girl who I like a lot who has had MUCH more experience than me, and I'm nervous if down the road I won't
be able to get it up, or be a big disappointment. And right now I just CAN'T fantasize about her, or anyone. Cept maybe a penis lol.

It's just a sucky feeling to me. And I'm sure it's not very unique.

Anyone with an answers?? Thank you!

[Meliss]

Rightly or wrongly I think sex is very tied to out level of self assurance. When I am on the top of the world in peak top physical shape and also totally confident it seems that people are drawn to me and actively seek me or spend more time with me to allow things to happen.

When I am sad, sick, weak, or weary they avoid me as much as I avoid them.

I would sugguest that you may feel more dominant when you are mentally strong and when you have lesser self assurdness you go for what you think of as easier targets.
If the whole alpha male beta male thing really works, the alpha male gets the breeding and the beta males wrestle around with each other to strenthen themselves for some future grasp at the silver ring of life's merry go round.

I am sure there are a whole lot of different ways for viewing this and explaining this. Maybe your same sex occurences just happened when you were down at one time in your life and now when you get down you get a hankering for a stiff one.

[bityme]

I think Meliss has some good thoughts, but your situation may also be looked at from a different perspective.

Our society is geared toward certain traditional roles, each automatically attached to different expected conduct and desires. The In-Charge, Confident, Hunter-Provider mates with the softer, subservient, home-maker. Unfortunately, none of us act or feel those particular roles all of the time, creating inner turmoil for ourselves and varying degrees of conflict in our relationships.

I think that it is entirely normal for each of us to desire acting out varied aspects of the primary role society does not normally view us in. The extent to which those secondary tendencies are acted on vary considerably. For men it may be as little as allowing our mate to mother us when we are sick of feeling low, periods of role reversal, or as extreme as BDSM or infantilism. For women it can be seen as instances of being assertive, periods of role reversal, or acting as the Bitch Dominatrix. Of course, those are just a few examples. As bisexuals, we do have many more options than if we were straight.

You speak of different desires when you feel strong and vital as opposed to being stressed or having feelings of low self esteem. I will assume that strong and vital is your normal state and you place yourself high on the heterosexuality side of the scale. On the other side of the coin, we all experience periods of stress. I would inquire, however, about the low self esteem. Do you experience the low self esteem only during stressful periods, or is it unassociated with the stress? It is not uncommon for someone experiencing stress because things aren't going right at work or other areas of our lives to experience lowered self esteem because we feel we should be accomplishing more or doing the job better. Alternatively, there is that possibility of low self esteem being associated with periods of greater desire to engage in same-sex activities which creates the inner turmoil because of the departure from the expected primary role.

It is common for individuals in stressful occupations to desire, at time, to escape from their burdensome responsibilities as allow others to take charge. Dominatrix activity is extremely high in areas of high numbers of people exercising power, i.e., politicians. Those in positions of high visibility who are expected to always maintain their primary role are sometimes caught in their instances of escape (ministers with hookers, senators foot-tapping in airport restrooms, etc.). In your case, you speak about fantasizing being the woman in the porn video and the absence of the other man's face in your thoughts of reciprocal oral activities.

You stated: "I know it's not smart to get hung up on how a male "should feel," but still... it just bothers me." It's interesting that you do not make any mention of actually departing from you traditional role and engaging in activities with other men. If that is the case, your inner turmoil could stem from trying to resolve those feelings that mainstream society says you should not have. This turmoil could also be the source of your concern that you might experience periods of inability to perform with your lady.

All I can tell you is that it is not uncommon for men to experience some instances of inability to perform. This is true whether or not your are engaging your heterosexual side or your Bi side. We just aren't wired to be up and ready every time we have the opportunity. no matter how much we would like to be. Just use those instances to concentrate on pleasing your partner in other ways. Most partners are understanding of us sometimes being stressed out if we let them know and then proceed to drive them crazy to the best of our ability.

If you are grappling with misgivings about your bisexuality versus your heterosexuality, don't. Let yourself go and just enjoy the sensations you are experiencing at the time regardless of who you are with. The more you indulge your desires, the more comfortable you will be with the experiences and any departure you feel you are making from your traditional role.

Personally, I have been bisexual for over 40 years, but it took more than a few of those years for me to become comfortable with the fact that I derived great pleasure from sexual activities with both men and women and even greater pleasure when being with both at the same time.

Relax and enjoy life,

Pappy

[B-don]

Wow, that was very detailed, and intracite. Much appreciated.

I probably sounded at bit more dramatic there haha: Low self esteem is definitely not the word, but stress for sure. As a music student, this can be tough to keep up, and I don't feel that powerful masculine sexual energy bubbling up in these times (ore when I'm being a total lazy pile lol).

Currently, I don't feel compelled to try anything with men--though I'd like to before I die haha.

I think you're right, it's mostly stemming from tight schedule stress, and fearing I won't be able to perform. Which is scary being a virgin with a girl who's WAY beyond me there.

You've given me lots to think about, thank you, Bityme!