Itsjustme14
Jun 29, 2006, 3:52 PM
Okay, I posted this on another website, and figured what the heck, maybe some of you would enjoy it as well. Hope you like it!
“The Heart Beats Faster”
A Spoof and Homage
By Itsjustme14
Based on Characters Created for
“THE AVANTE GARAGE”
By Itsjustme14
ACT ONE
Episode #1
(The elegant home of Celeste and Parker Truehart.
As the lights rise we hear the Announcer’s voice….)
ANNOUNCER.
It’s now time for everybody’s favorite daytime drama—The Heart Beats Faster. We now join Parker and Celeste Truehart, Brentwood’s first couple, as they prepare for a small but tasteful party to celebrate Celeste’s recent release from prison.
(LIGHTS TO FULL. Celeste is pacing the room is a black and white striped evening gown. PARKER ENTERS the room and pours himself a drink.)
PARKER.
Celeste, darling, you seem…nervous.
CELESTE.
I can’t help it, dear. I haven’t seen any of our friends since…well, you know.
PARKER.
Don’t be silly, everyone knows you didn’t see Margot Treadmill…now.
CELESTE.
The world knows what goes on in prisons. It’s more than just riots and hostage situations. People can see through that kind of glamour.
PARKER.
But we’re your friends. We…love you.
CELESTE.
I thought so Parker. Until last night.
PARKER.
I explained that. It’s been a long time.
CELESTE.
And I’ve changed. I’m afraid my thirteen weeks as Prisoner 54387D have scarred me forever.
PARKER.
Just relax. Give it time, Celeste. Things will be the way they used to be.
(DOORBELL)
PARKER.
I’ll get that.
CELESTE.
Thank you Parker. I’m not ready to face anyone yet. I think I’ll check my makeup and change dresses.
(CELESTE MAKE A SWEEPING EXITS and Parker answers the door. ENTER FELECIA MONTAGUE, professional home wrecker.)
PARKER.
Felecia.
FELECIA.
Parker.
(They lock in a passionate embrace.)
PARKER.
I’ve missed you. My bed is so empty without you.
FELECIA.
Even with that jailbird in it?
PARKER.
She is my wife.
FELECIA.
And I am your lover!
PARKER.
Shhh! She’ll hear you!
FELECIA.
I want her to hear. I can’t stand the thought of that slimy scum sharing your bed, your heart and your bank account.
PARKER.
Celeste is not slimy scum. They found her innocent—finally.
FELECIA.
But are we innocent, Parker. All those hot steamy nights we spent devouring each other’s bodies while she at stale bread and drank warm water in that hell pit with an open toilet.
PARKER.
Are you telling me it’s over?
FELECIA.
No. I just always wanted to say that.
(ENTER CELESTE.)
FELECIA.
Celeste! Darling! You look wonderful! Solitary confinement obviously agrees with you.
CELESTE.
You’re just saying that.
FELECIA.
I see I’m the first.
CELESTE.
I doubt it.
PARKER.
The others should arrive shortly.
CELESTE.
I’m so excited. I hope someone I really like shows up. I’ve been calling all my friends and telling their maids that I’m home.
PARKER.
Just relax, everyone will be here.
CELESTE.
I have to admit, it’s seems like forever since I participated in a group event that didn’t end in a stabbing and everyone showering together. I think I got in touch with everyone, although I had a little trouble finding Wynette. I do hope she got my message.
FELECIA.
Wynette?
CELESTE.
Yes. Wynette Fargo, my oldest and dearest friend. I have seen her since the concert she gave for the other cons and I at the Randolph Farmer Memorial Prison. She always knew just how to make a girl feel right at home.
FELECIA.
Don’t count on her, honey.
CELESTE.
Why not?
PARKER.
Felecia!
FELECIA.
She should know.
PARKER.
Not now! It’s too soon.
CELESTE.
What’s wrong Parker?
PARKER.
Nothing, dearest, nothing at all.
FELECIA.
Chicken.
CELESTE.
Something is wrong Parker. What is it? Did something happen to Wynette? Tell me. I want to know. I need to know. I can handle it. If this tragedy in my life, our life, has done anything, it’s proven to me that I’m strong. I’m a survivor. I’ve seen the gates of hell and eaten from a metal tray and it wasn’t pretty. I can handle anything. So tell me Parker, tell me now! I am not the weak, breakable Celeste Abbot Bauer Horton Hughes Quartermaine Ryan Tyler Truehart I was thirteen weeks ago. Oh no! I am a rock! (Grabbing Parker) Tell about Wynette. Please! I beg of you!
PARKER.
I can’t.
CELESTE.
You can.
PARKER.
No.
CELESTE.
Yes.
PARKER.
No.
CELESTE.
Please.
PARKER.
Sorry.
FELECIA.
I’ll do it.
PARKER.
Okay.
FELECIA.
Sit down.
(Felecia and Celeste prepare for a heart to heart on the sofa.)
PARKER.
Be gentle.
FELECIA.
(To Parker) Of course. (To Celeste) Wynette’s a fruitcake.
CELESTE.
What?
FELECIA.
Wynette was devastated by the events that led up to your conviction.
CELESTE.
Well, of course. Having her oldest and dearest friend take the wrap for bumping off the town tramp must have torn her apart. I wasn’t too thrilled about it myself.
FELECIA.
Quite frankly, dear, it was something else that drove her over the edge.
CELESTE.
Her flamingo pink Cadillac with the rhinestone snow tires?
PARKER.
Her guilty conscious.
CELESTE.
What?
FELECIA.
You see, your oldest and dearest friend thought that she had killed Margot Treadmill, but she couldn’t confess to the crime. She had gotten drunk at the Country Music Awards banquet and totally blacked out. All she could remember was that she had purchased the platinum and ostrich feather arrows that Margot was murdered with. She had planned to use them in her new “Wynette Does Opryland” video. She woke up the next day; the arrows were gone and turned up stapling Margot to her new flat screen TV.
CELESTE.
But Wynette didn’t kill Margot. It was Junebug Fleenor, the truck driver she was teaching to read until she discovered he was an undercover mafia kingpin.
PARKER.
But we…and Wynette, didn’t know that until it was all too late.
FELECIA.
Wynette is no longer the chic Country music superstar we’ve grown to tolerate and ignore. She’s a broken woman, living as a bag lady in Centennial Park.
CELESTE.
Oh, no!
PARKER.
She does have a nice bench, though.
FELECIA.
Near the duck pond.
PARKER.
Be strong my darling.
CELESTE.
Oh shut up, Parker. I can’t believe it…I…I…
(Celeste grabs her head in pain.)
PARKER.
Celeste. What’s wrong?
CELESTE.
Nothing. I just suddenly have a terrible headache. Like the one you had last night, only this one’s real.
(DOORBELL)
CELESTE.
That must be the other guests. I can’t face them like this. I must go lie down.
(CELESTE MAKES THE NEXT IN WHAT IS TO BECOME HER TRADEMARK GRAND EXIT.)
PARKER.
I’m worried about her.
FELECIA.
My heart is just breaks for her.
(They rush together in a hot, steamy [literally would be nice] kiss.)
(DOORBELL)
PARKER.
I guess I should answer that.
FELECIA.
Go ahead. I’m a patient woman.
(Parker opens the door. ENTER TIMMY TRUEHART, angry young stud.)
PARKER.
Timmy.
TIMMY.
You seemed surprised.
PARKER.
I must say I am.
TIMMY.
In spite of everything, she is my mother.
PARKER.
But…
TIMMY.
I know I thought she killed my wife Margot and planted evidence against her to make her look guilty. I said some disgusting and nasty things about her on the witness stand, one or two which I regret. But that ordeal is over. It’s time to forget all that pain and heartache, well most of it, and move on to a new storyline.
FELECIA.
I’m touched.
TIMMY.
I know. Wash your hands before dinner.
PARKER.
Your mother will be very happy.
TIMMY.
Despite it all, I need her Parker. She’s all I have now. Everything else has been destroyed. I don’t even know where I live.
FELECIA.
That’s awful.
TIMMY.
Tell me about it, what am I going to do with my wardrobe? I know my mother and I have had our differences. I still can’t justify her giving me to that band of gypsies when I was a baby.
PARKER.
Oh, Timmy. Celeste was so young when you were born, and that two month pregnancy was a bitch. She was afraid and confused. She didn’t think she could give you the sort of life you deserved, and she thought those gypsies were good people at the time. She had no idea they were Soviet based guerillas.
FELECIA.
Consider yourself lucky, Timmy. Most children are born, have a life threatening disease that reveals their true parentage and then are put in an upstairs closet until they’re old enough to cause family problems.
PARKER.
And you’ve been winning fan polls and getting neighborhood girls pregnant since your Uncle Grandma rescued you from those guerillas and returned you to us a full grown young man.
TIMMY.
It was a turbulent thirteen weeks, that’s for sure. But those days are all behind me now, and the days ahead of me look so bleak and lonely. My Margot, my love, my life is gone.
FELECIA.
The fourth marriage is always the hardest to get over.
PARKER.
Let me tell you from experience, there will be others. Love will survive.
TIMMY.
I’ll never get over Margot. My heart is just and empty space and I’ll never love again.
(IN BURSTS COLLETTE McGHEE, town bitch, dripping in blonde hair, fur and mystery.)
TIMMY.
I’m in love!
FELECIA.
Collette McGhee! I thought we’d rid ourselves of you once and for all!
COLLETTE.
(With an evil laugh) This town will never be rid of me. It needs me!
PARKER.
You heartless bitch! Hare dare you show up here uninvited!
COLLETTE.
I invited myself, and if you’re real nice, I’ll let you engrave my invitation.
TIMMY.
Who is this vision of ecstasy I see before me?
FELECIA.
Vision of lust is more like it.
PARKER.
Collette McGhee, my stepson, Timmy Waxman.
TIMMY.
That’s Timmy Truehart. You adopted me when I was in that coma after the governor had my gummy bears poisoned.
PARKER.
Sorry, I always forget my moments of weakness. It’s a mental thing. Collette McGhee, my stepson, Timmy Truehart.
TIMMY.
Where have you been all my life?
COLLETTE.
I give up. Where have I been?
PARKER.
Timmy, stay away from her. She’s a no good temptress out to use your body and steal your soul.
TIMMY.
But I love those qualities in a woman.
PARKER.
You and I are a lot alike.
COLLETTE.
Don’t worry, Parker. I won’t hurt your precious stepson.
TIMMY.
Adopted son.
COLLETTE/PARKER.
Whatever.
COLLETTE.
I think I’ll just toy with him a while, get him to do my bidding and then flick him out of my life like a dried up booger.
PARKER.
Oh, well. That’s okay.
TIMMY.
Thanks, Dad.
PARKER.
Don’t ever call me that again!
TIMMY.
I think I love you.
PARKER/COLLETTE/FELECIA.
Oh, gross!
TIMMY.
Not you, Parker! Her! (Getting on his knees and taking Collette’s hand.) I think I love you.
COLLETTE.
You don’t know what love is.
TIMMY.
Teach me.
COLLETTE.
Shall I use visual aids>
TIMMY.
Will you make me the happiest man on the show for the next thirteen weeks and marry me?
COLLETTE.
Of course not.
TIMMY.
Why not?
COLLETTE.
No, I just don’t want to.
TIMMY.
Yes you do.
COLLETTE.
No I don’t.
TIMMY.
Yes you do.
COLLETTE.
No.
TIMMY.
Yes.
COLLETTE.
Uh-uh.
TIMMY.
Uh-huh.
FELECIA.
Oh grow up.
COLLETTE.
I have to go.
TIMMY.
Stay. I won’t pressure you, just stay.
COLLETTE.
I can’t, I must go.
TIMMY.
But why?
COLLETTE.
I don’t know. I just have this tremendous headache.
FELECIA.
That seems to be going around.
TIMMY.
Please. When will I see you again?
COLLETTE.
When destiny…and the writers…call.
(COLLETTE VAINSHES)
TIMMY.
I’m shattered! The only woman I have ever loved is gone!
PARKER.
What about Margot?
TIMMY.
Who?
FELECIA.
Don’t worry Timmy. Collette McGhee is just like one of those “Elm Street” movies. Just when you think it’s finally over, they make another stupid sequel.
(ENTER CELESTE.)
CELESTE.
Timmy!
TIMMY.
Mother!
PARKER.
Felecia!
FELECIA.
Parker!
CELESTE.
I thought I’d never see you again.
TIMMY.
I heard. I’m so glad it was only hysterical blindness.
PARKER.
Felecia, you’re crying.
FELECIA.
I always cry at reunions and Seventh Day Adventist commercials. It’s my fatal flaw.
CELESTE.
Come to your mother’s bosoms, son!
TIMMY.
Mommie Dearest, I’ve missed you!
(Timmy and Celeste rush into each other’s arms. WYNETTE FARGO BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, wearing layers of sequined rags.)
CELESTE.
Wynette Fargo! My oldest and dearest friend!
WYNETTE.
Welcome home, Celeste!
(Wynette whips a machine gun from her shopping bag and fires on everyone. There are silent screams as the cast falls to the floor in slow motion to the tune of “That’s What Friends Are For”.)
WYNETTE.
Got any dip?
(BLACK OUT)
Episode #2
(St. Geniuses Hospital. Timmy’s hospital room. TIMMY is stretched out on the bed. CELESTE, lying on top of him, is weeping.)
CELESTE.
Timmy, speak to me. Please, say something…anything…yell at me…call me a fool…I don’t care! Just mumble something audible! Damn, you never would listen to your mother!
(ENTER STETSON WAVERLY, PhD, a product of Mattel and nuclear waste. He is shirtless, wearing a doctor’s coat, a stethoscope and skin tight jeans.)
STETSON.
It’s no use. He can’t hear you.
CELESTE.
Who are you?
STETSON.
Stetson Waverly, PhD. I’m surgeon who removed the bullet from your son’s body.
CELESTE.
Will my son be alright, doctor?
STETSON.
Call me…Stetson.
CELESTE.
Stetson…will he be alright.
STETSON.
In a matter of speaking, he will continue to lead a happy, normal life as long as he doesn’t walk, talk or fail to renew his contract.
CELESTE.
What do you mean?
STETSON.
You see, the bullet is lodged dangerously close to his spinal column.
CELESTE.
The bullet? I thought you said you removed it.
STETSON.
I lied. It’s very possible that Timmy will be paralyzed for the rest of his natural life.
(MIRANDA TATE, token bimbo nurse from the wrong side of the tracks, ENTERS UNNOTICED.)
CELESTE.
Oh, no! Not my little Timmy!
MIRANDA.
He’s not so little. I just gave him a sponge bath.
STETSON.
You cheap little…
MIRANDA.
You should know. I am your ex-wife.
STETSON.
What are you doing here?
MIRANDA.
I work here.
STETSON.
No, in this room.
MIRANDA.
I came to tell you there’s a code blue down the hall.
STETSON.
You certainly took your sweet time telling me.
MIRANDA.
It’s your mother, and we still don’t get along.
STETSON.
And it’s my coffee break, too. She never let’s me do anything!
MIRANDA.
Better hurry, you know how temperamental she gets if you don’t drop everything and run when she whines.
STETSON.
Mrs. Truehart…
CELESTE.
Call me Celeste.
STETSON.
Celeste…will you excuse me while I go do something macho and sensitive?
CELESTE.
Why of course.
STETSON.
It won’t take a sec.
CELESTE.
I’ll wait right here.
STETSON.
Such a kind, compassionate woman.
CELESTE.
Such a handsome, inoffensive man.
STETSON.
You are much too kind.
MIRANDA.
And you are such a mama’s boy, better run before she grounds you again.
STETSON.
She’s just doing this to get attention, anyway.
(STETSON EXITS.)
MIRANDA.
Don’t worry; your son will pull through.
CELESTE.
What?
MIRANDA.
I said, your son will pull through.
CELESTE.
Who?
(Miranda points to Timmy.)
CELESTE.
Oh, yes. I forgot. Now what was his name again?
MIRANDA.
He’s your son.
CELESTE.
Only by birth. I meant that handsome doctor.
MIRANDA.
Stetson. Stetson Waverly.
CELESTE.
Stetson. Such a wonderful name. You can almost smell it in the air.
MIRANDA.
May I give you a little piece of advice? Stay away from Stetson. He’s a notorious playboy. He uses woman like toys. I should know. I was one of his first playthings.
CELESTE.
Jealousy makes you bitter.
MIRANDA.
Of course I’m bitter. I was used and betrayed as a sweet, innocent candy striper. I’m telling you from experience, stay away from Stetson or you, too, will become a hollow shell of a woman.
CELESTE.
But he seems like such a nice guy!
(ENTER STETSON.)
MIRANDA.
He is. If you can overlook the alcoholism, the drug abuse and the law suits for sexual abuse by his female patients.
STETSON.
Miranda! You hollow shell of a woman! How dare you!
MIRANDA.
It’s all true!
STETSON.
It is not! Only two of those lawsuits are from female patients!
CELESTE.
Okay, so you’re not perfect. Who is?
STETSON.
You seem to be.
CELESTE.
Oh. No! I have a small mole on my….
MIRANDA.
You ought to have that removed.
CELESTE.
Don’t be silly, it’s too much fun to look for.
MIRANDA.
Look we just got a shipment of bedpans, and I need to put them away before they get warm. Stand warned Celeste Truehart.
(MIRANDA EXITS.)
STETSON.
I’ve missed you.
CELESTE.
Don’t say that.
STETSON.
Why not? It’s true.
CELESTE.
But, I’m married.
STETSON.
Details. Let’s not let little things stand in the way.
CELESTE.
I admit it, Dr. Waverly. I find you attractive, but we could never mean anything to each other. Parker may be a no good philanderer. He may just have married me for my money. I don’t really care that he hates my son and kicks the maid. I can overlook the fact that he won’t make love to me anymore. After all, he is my husband. I’ve made a commitment, Stetson and I, Celeste Abbott Bauer Horton Hughes Quartermaine Ryan Tyler Truehart will stand by it.
(Stetson tries to kiss Celeste.)
CELESTE.
Don’t.
STETSON.
I have to.
CELESTE.
Alright. But I won’t enjoy it.
(They kiss passionately. CELESTE grabs her head in pain.)
STETSON.
What’s wrong? Shall I call a doctor?
CELESTE.
No. I just suddenly have a terrible headache. I must go lie down somewhere.
STETSON.
There’s a waterbed in my office. Go there. I’ll check in on you as soon as I’ve cancelled that transplant scheduled for this afternoon.
CELESTE.
Should you do that?
STETSON.
Anything for you.
(CELESTE MAKES A GRAND EXIT. Stetson takes Timmy’s pulse. MIRANDA ENTERS.)
MIRANDA.
Sorry about your mother.
STETSON.
It takes on every now and then.
MIRANDA.
Pulmonary embolism?
STETSON.
New head writer.
MIRANDA.
What about Celeste?
STETSON.
What about her?
MIRANDA.
Did you tell her?
STETSON.
I couldn’t. How do you tell a sweet, wonderful hottie that her son’s a bunch of broccoli?
MIRANDA.
Easy. Just suggest she stock lots of hollandaise in the house.
STETSON.
Miranda, that was crass and unfunny!
MIRANDA.
Sorry.
(ENTER COLLETTE McGHEE with an evil laugh.)
STETSON.
Collette McGhee! What are you doing here?
COLLETTE.
I heard there was party. I came as a favor.
MIRANDA.
This hospital has enough problems without you being here. I heard you left town when they brought back witch hunting.
COLLETTE.
Miranda Tate, I haven’t seen you since last summer, just before the rest of the rabbits went into hibernation.
MIRANDA.
I should have pushed you off that ledge into the toxic waste tank when I had the chance.
COLLETTE.
But you couldn’t do it, could you. And do you know why? Because you’re not woman enough. You can’t even keep a real man satisfied.
STETSON.
Oh, yes she can. Miranda and I were lovers once. And we were married too, weren’t we?
COLLETTE.
I said a real man, Stetson, not a cheap Marlon Brando imitation.
STETSON.
Get out!
COLLETTE.
No! I came to see Timmy.
STETSON.
You know Timmy Truehart?
COLLETTE.
Yes.
MIRANDA.
Isn’t he a little young?
COLLETTE.
Get your mind out of the gutter, you registered trash. It hasn’t gone that far!
STETSON.
And it never will!
COLLETTE.
Are you threatening me, Dr. Bimbo?
STETSON.
No, but am telling you that he’s paralyzed from the neck down!
COLLETTE.
You’re sort of a doctor—cure him!
STETSON.
It’s not that simple!
MIRANDA.
He’s been in a coma too long…
STETSON.
Stay out of this, Miranda! He’s been in a coma too long. He may never come out of it.
COLLETTE.
No!
STETSON.
Yes!
COLLETTE.
No!
STETSON.
Yes!
COLLETTE.
Liar.
STETSON.
Am not!
COLLETTE.
Are too!
STETSON.
Am not!
MIRANDA.
Are too!
STETSON.
Sometimes! But not this time.
COLLETTE.
I’ve got to go.
MIRANDA.
I thought you came to see your precious Timmy.
COLLETTE.
I came. I saw. I conquered. Besides I have a terrible headache.
(COLLETTE makes a sweeping EXIT.)
STETSON.
That reminds me, I must check on Celeste Truehart. She’s still lying down in my office, and it’s time to make some waves.
MIRANDA.
Wait a moment. There’s something you should know.
STETSON.
Alright, but hurry, before she gets away.
MIRANDA.
I was working in the hospital when Timmy was born. I was carrying your child at the time. Celeste Truehart and I delivered on the same day.
STETSON.
But our baby was…stillborn.
MIRANDA,
Sort of…you were hooked on Pop Rocks and having an affair with the cast of “The View” at the time, and I didn’t know what to do.
STETSON.
You mean you were the one who told Barbara Walters I thought she was too girlie?
MIRANDA
No, I told Meredeth Vieira you said she was flat…and it was Celeste’s baby that was stillborn. So, I made a switch. Timmy Truehart is our son.
(STETSON passes out.
BLACKOUT.)
“The Heart Beats Faster”
A Spoof and Homage
By Itsjustme14
Based on Characters Created for
“THE AVANTE GARAGE”
By Itsjustme14
ACT ONE
Episode #1
(The elegant home of Celeste and Parker Truehart.
As the lights rise we hear the Announcer’s voice….)
ANNOUNCER.
It’s now time for everybody’s favorite daytime drama—The Heart Beats Faster. We now join Parker and Celeste Truehart, Brentwood’s first couple, as they prepare for a small but tasteful party to celebrate Celeste’s recent release from prison.
(LIGHTS TO FULL. Celeste is pacing the room is a black and white striped evening gown. PARKER ENTERS the room and pours himself a drink.)
PARKER.
Celeste, darling, you seem…nervous.
CELESTE.
I can’t help it, dear. I haven’t seen any of our friends since…well, you know.
PARKER.
Don’t be silly, everyone knows you didn’t see Margot Treadmill…now.
CELESTE.
The world knows what goes on in prisons. It’s more than just riots and hostage situations. People can see through that kind of glamour.
PARKER.
But we’re your friends. We…love you.
CELESTE.
I thought so Parker. Until last night.
PARKER.
I explained that. It’s been a long time.
CELESTE.
And I’ve changed. I’m afraid my thirteen weeks as Prisoner 54387D have scarred me forever.
PARKER.
Just relax. Give it time, Celeste. Things will be the way they used to be.
(DOORBELL)
PARKER.
I’ll get that.
CELESTE.
Thank you Parker. I’m not ready to face anyone yet. I think I’ll check my makeup and change dresses.
(CELESTE MAKE A SWEEPING EXITS and Parker answers the door. ENTER FELECIA MONTAGUE, professional home wrecker.)
PARKER.
Felecia.
FELECIA.
Parker.
(They lock in a passionate embrace.)
PARKER.
I’ve missed you. My bed is so empty without you.
FELECIA.
Even with that jailbird in it?
PARKER.
She is my wife.
FELECIA.
And I am your lover!
PARKER.
Shhh! She’ll hear you!
FELECIA.
I want her to hear. I can’t stand the thought of that slimy scum sharing your bed, your heart and your bank account.
PARKER.
Celeste is not slimy scum. They found her innocent—finally.
FELECIA.
But are we innocent, Parker. All those hot steamy nights we spent devouring each other’s bodies while she at stale bread and drank warm water in that hell pit with an open toilet.
PARKER.
Are you telling me it’s over?
FELECIA.
No. I just always wanted to say that.
(ENTER CELESTE.)
FELECIA.
Celeste! Darling! You look wonderful! Solitary confinement obviously agrees with you.
CELESTE.
You’re just saying that.
FELECIA.
I see I’m the first.
CELESTE.
I doubt it.
PARKER.
The others should arrive shortly.
CELESTE.
I’m so excited. I hope someone I really like shows up. I’ve been calling all my friends and telling their maids that I’m home.
PARKER.
Just relax, everyone will be here.
CELESTE.
I have to admit, it’s seems like forever since I participated in a group event that didn’t end in a stabbing and everyone showering together. I think I got in touch with everyone, although I had a little trouble finding Wynette. I do hope she got my message.
FELECIA.
Wynette?
CELESTE.
Yes. Wynette Fargo, my oldest and dearest friend. I have seen her since the concert she gave for the other cons and I at the Randolph Farmer Memorial Prison. She always knew just how to make a girl feel right at home.
FELECIA.
Don’t count on her, honey.
CELESTE.
Why not?
PARKER.
Felecia!
FELECIA.
She should know.
PARKER.
Not now! It’s too soon.
CELESTE.
What’s wrong Parker?
PARKER.
Nothing, dearest, nothing at all.
FELECIA.
Chicken.
CELESTE.
Something is wrong Parker. What is it? Did something happen to Wynette? Tell me. I want to know. I need to know. I can handle it. If this tragedy in my life, our life, has done anything, it’s proven to me that I’m strong. I’m a survivor. I’ve seen the gates of hell and eaten from a metal tray and it wasn’t pretty. I can handle anything. So tell me Parker, tell me now! I am not the weak, breakable Celeste Abbot Bauer Horton Hughes Quartermaine Ryan Tyler Truehart I was thirteen weeks ago. Oh no! I am a rock! (Grabbing Parker) Tell about Wynette. Please! I beg of you!
PARKER.
I can’t.
CELESTE.
You can.
PARKER.
No.
CELESTE.
Yes.
PARKER.
No.
CELESTE.
Please.
PARKER.
Sorry.
FELECIA.
I’ll do it.
PARKER.
Okay.
FELECIA.
Sit down.
(Felecia and Celeste prepare for a heart to heart on the sofa.)
PARKER.
Be gentle.
FELECIA.
(To Parker) Of course. (To Celeste) Wynette’s a fruitcake.
CELESTE.
What?
FELECIA.
Wynette was devastated by the events that led up to your conviction.
CELESTE.
Well, of course. Having her oldest and dearest friend take the wrap for bumping off the town tramp must have torn her apart. I wasn’t too thrilled about it myself.
FELECIA.
Quite frankly, dear, it was something else that drove her over the edge.
CELESTE.
Her flamingo pink Cadillac with the rhinestone snow tires?
PARKER.
Her guilty conscious.
CELESTE.
What?
FELECIA.
You see, your oldest and dearest friend thought that she had killed Margot Treadmill, but she couldn’t confess to the crime. She had gotten drunk at the Country Music Awards banquet and totally blacked out. All she could remember was that she had purchased the platinum and ostrich feather arrows that Margot was murdered with. She had planned to use them in her new “Wynette Does Opryland” video. She woke up the next day; the arrows were gone and turned up stapling Margot to her new flat screen TV.
CELESTE.
But Wynette didn’t kill Margot. It was Junebug Fleenor, the truck driver she was teaching to read until she discovered he was an undercover mafia kingpin.
PARKER.
But we…and Wynette, didn’t know that until it was all too late.
FELECIA.
Wynette is no longer the chic Country music superstar we’ve grown to tolerate and ignore. She’s a broken woman, living as a bag lady in Centennial Park.
CELESTE.
Oh, no!
PARKER.
She does have a nice bench, though.
FELECIA.
Near the duck pond.
PARKER.
Be strong my darling.
CELESTE.
Oh shut up, Parker. I can’t believe it…I…I…
(Celeste grabs her head in pain.)
PARKER.
Celeste. What’s wrong?
CELESTE.
Nothing. I just suddenly have a terrible headache. Like the one you had last night, only this one’s real.
(DOORBELL)
CELESTE.
That must be the other guests. I can’t face them like this. I must go lie down.
(CELESTE MAKES THE NEXT IN WHAT IS TO BECOME HER TRADEMARK GRAND EXIT.)
PARKER.
I’m worried about her.
FELECIA.
My heart is just breaks for her.
(They rush together in a hot, steamy [literally would be nice] kiss.)
(DOORBELL)
PARKER.
I guess I should answer that.
FELECIA.
Go ahead. I’m a patient woman.
(Parker opens the door. ENTER TIMMY TRUEHART, angry young stud.)
PARKER.
Timmy.
TIMMY.
You seemed surprised.
PARKER.
I must say I am.
TIMMY.
In spite of everything, she is my mother.
PARKER.
But…
TIMMY.
I know I thought she killed my wife Margot and planted evidence against her to make her look guilty. I said some disgusting and nasty things about her on the witness stand, one or two which I regret. But that ordeal is over. It’s time to forget all that pain and heartache, well most of it, and move on to a new storyline.
FELECIA.
I’m touched.
TIMMY.
I know. Wash your hands before dinner.
PARKER.
Your mother will be very happy.
TIMMY.
Despite it all, I need her Parker. She’s all I have now. Everything else has been destroyed. I don’t even know where I live.
FELECIA.
That’s awful.
TIMMY.
Tell me about it, what am I going to do with my wardrobe? I know my mother and I have had our differences. I still can’t justify her giving me to that band of gypsies when I was a baby.
PARKER.
Oh, Timmy. Celeste was so young when you were born, and that two month pregnancy was a bitch. She was afraid and confused. She didn’t think she could give you the sort of life you deserved, and she thought those gypsies were good people at the time. She had no idea they were Soviet based guerillas.
FELECIA.
Consider yourself lucky, Timmy. Most children are born, have a life threatening disease that reveals their true parentage and then are put in an upstairs closet until they’re old enough to cause family problems.
PARKER.
And you’ve been winning fan polls and getting neighborhood girls pregnant since your Uncle Grandma rescued you from those guerillas and returned you to us a full grown young man.
TIMMY.
It was a turbulent thirteen weeks, that’s for sure. But those days are all behind me now, and the days ahead of me look so bleak and lonely. My Margot, my love, my life is gone.
FELECIA.
The fourth marriage is always the hardest to get over.
PARKER.
Let me tell you from experience, there will be others. Love will survive.
TIMMY.
I’ll never get over Margot. My heart is just and empty space and I’ll never love again.
(IN BURSTS COLLETTE McGHEE, town bitch, dripping in blonde hair, fur and mystery.)
TIMMY.
I’m in love!
FELECIA.
Collette McGhee! I thought we’d rid ourselves of you once and for all!
COLLETTE.
(With an evil laugh) This town will never be rid of me. It needs me!
PARKER.
You heartless bitch! Hare dare you show up here uninvited!
COLLETTE.
I invited myself, and if you’re real nice, I’ll let you engrave my invitation.
TIMMY.
Who is this vision of ecstasy I see before me?
FELECIA.
Vision of lust is more like it.
PARKER.
Collette McGhee, my stepson, Timmy Waxman.
TIMMY.
That’s Timmy Truehart. You adopted me when I was in that coma after the governor had my gummy bears poisoned.
PARKER.
Sorry, I always forget my moments of weakness. It’s a mental thing. Collette McGhee, my stepson, Timmy Truehart.
TIMMY.
Where have you been all my life?
COLLETTE.
I give up. Where have I been?
PARKER.
Timmy, stay away from her. She’s a no good temptress out to use your body and steal your soul.
TIMMY.
But I love those qualities in a woman.
PARKER.
You and I are a lot alike.
COLLETTE.
Don’t worry, Parker. I won’t hurt your precious stepson.
TIMMY.
Adopted son.
COLLETTE/PARKER.
Whatever.
COLLETTE.
I think I’ll just toy with him a while, get him to do my bidding and then flick him out of my life like a dried up booger.
PARKER.
Oh, well. That’s okay.
TIMMY.
Thanks, Dad.
PARKER.
Don’t ever call me that again!
TIMMY.
I think I love you.
PARKER/COLLETTE/FELECIA.
Oh, gross!
TIMMY.
Not you, Parker! Her! (Getting on his knees and taking Collette’s hand.) I think I love you.
COLLETTE.
You don’t know what love is.
TIMMY.
Teach me.
COLLETTE.
Shall I use visual aids>
TIMMY.
Will you make me the happiest man on the show for the next thirteen weeks and marry me?
COLLETTE.
Of course not.
TIMMY.
Why not?
COLLETTE.
No, I just don’t want to.
TIMMY.
Yes you do.
COLLETTE.
No I don’t.
TIMMY.
Yes you do.
COLLETTE.
No.
TIMMY.
Yes.
COLLETTE.
Uh-uh.
TIMMY.
Uh-huh.
FELECIA.
Oh grow up.
COLLETTE.
I have to go.
TIMMY.
Stay. I won’t pressure you, just stay.
COLLETTE.
I can’t, I must go.
TIMMY.
But why?
COLLETTE.
I don’t know. I just have this tremendous headache.
FELECIA.
That seems to be going around.
TIMMY.
Please. When will I see you again?
COLLETTE.
When destiny…and the writers…call.
(COLLETTE VAINSHES)
TIMMY.
I’m shattered! The only woman I have ever loved is gone!
PARKER.
What about Margot?
TIMMY.
Who?
FELECIA.
Don’t worry Timmy. Collette McGhee is just like one of those “Elm Street” movies. Just when you think it’s finally over, they make another stupid sequel.
(ENTER CELESTE.)
CELESTE.
Timmy!
TIMMY.
Mother!
PARKER.
Felecia!
FELECIA.
Parker!
CELESTE.
I thought I’d never see you again.
TIMMY.
I heard. I’m so glad it was only hysterical blindness.
PARKER.
Felecia, you’re crying.
FELECIA.
I always cry at reunions and Seventh Day Adventist commercials. It’s my fatal flaw.
CELESTE.
Come to your mother’s bosoms, son!
TIMMY.
Mommie Dearest, I’ve missed you!
(Timmy and Celeste rush into each other’s arms. WYNETTE FARGO BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, wearing layers of sequined rags.)
CELESTE.
Wynette Fargo! My oldest and dearest friend!
WYNETTE.
Welcome home, Celeste!
(Wynette whips a machine gun from her shopping bag and fires on everyone. There are silent screams as the cast falls to the floor in slow motion to the tune of “That’s What Friends Are For”.)
WYNETTE.
Got any dip?
(BLACK OUT)
Episode #2
(St. Geniuses Hospital. Timmy’s hospital room. TIMMY is stretched out on the bed. CELESTE, lying on top of him, is weeping.)
CELESTE.
Timmy, speak to me. Please, say something…anything…yell at me…call me a fool…I don’t care! Just mumble something audible! Damn, you never would listen to your mother!
(ENTER STETSON WAVERLY, PhD, a product of Mattel and nuclear waste. He is shirtless, wearing a doctor’s coat, a stethoscope and skin tight jeans.)
STETSON.
It’s no use. He can’t hear you.
CELESTE.
Who are you?
STETSON.
Stetson Waverly, PhD. I’m surgeon who removed the bullet from your son’s body.
CELESTE.
Will my son be alright, doctor?
STETSON.
Call me…Stetson.
CELESTE.
Stetson…will he be alright.
STETSON.
In a matter of speaking, he will continue to lead a happy, normal life as long as he doesn’t walk, talk or fail to renew his contract.
CELESTE.
What do you mean?
STETSON.
You see, the bullet is lodged dangerously close to his spinal column.
CELESTE.
The bullet? I thought you said you removed it.
STETSON.
I lied. It’s very possible that Timmy will be paralyzed for the rest of his natural life.
(MIRANDA TATE, token bimbo nurse from the wrong side of the tracks, ENTERS UNNOTICED.)
CELESTE.
Oh, no! Not my little Timmy!
MIRANDA.
He’s not so little. I just gave him a sponge bath.
STETSON.
You cheap little…
MIRANDA.
You should know. I am your ex-wife.
STETSON.
What are you doing here?
MIRANDA.
I work here.
STETSON.
No, in this room.
MIRANDA.
I came to tell you there’s a code blue down the hall.
STETSON.
You certainly took your sweet time telling me.
MIRANDA.
It’s your mother, and we still don’t get along.
STETSON.
And it’s my coffee break, too. She never let’s me do anything!
MIRANDA.
Better hurry, you know how temperamental she gets if you don’t drop everything and run when she whines.
STETSON.
Mrs. Truehart…
CELESTE.
Call me Celeste.
STETSON.
Celeste…will you excuse me while I go do something macho and sensitive?
CELESTE.
Why of course.
STETSON.
It won’t take a sec.
CELESTE.
I’ll wait right here.
STETSON.
Such a kind, compassionate woman.
CELESTE.
Such a handsome, inoffensive man.
STETSON.
You are much too kind.
MIRANDA.
And you are such a mama’s boy, better run before she grounds you again.
STETSON.
She’s just doing this to get attention, anyway.
(STETSON EXITS.)
MIRANDA.
Don’t worry; your son will pull through.
CELESTE.
What?
MIRANDA.
I said, your son will pull through.
CELESTE.
Who?
(Miranda points to Timmy.)
CELESTE.
Oh, yes. I forgot. Now what was his name again?
MIRANDA.
He’s your son.
CELESTE.
Only by birth. I meant that handsome doctor.
MIRANDA.
Stetson. Stetson Waverly.
CELESTE.
Stetson. Such a wonderful name. You can almost smell it in the air.
MIRANDA.
May I give you a little piece of advice? Stay away from Stetson. He’s a notorious playboy. He uses woman like toys. I should know. I was one of his first playthings.
CELESTE.
Jealousy makes you bitter.
MIRANDA.
Of course I’m bitter. I was used and betrayed as a sweet, innocent candy striper. I’m telling you from experience, stay away from Stetson or you, too, will become a hollow shell of a woman.
CELESTE.
But he seems like such a nice guy!
(ENTER STETSON.)
MIRANDA.
He is. If you can overlook the alcoholism, the drug abuse and the law suits for sexual abuse by his female patients.
STETSON.
Miranda! You hollow shell of a woman! How dare you!
MIRANDA.
It’s all true!
STETSON.
It is not! Only two of those lawsuits are from female patients!
CELESTE.
Okay, so you’re not perfect. Who is?
STETSON.
You seem to be.
CELESTE.
Oh. No! I have a small mole on my….
MIRANDA.
You ought to have that removed.
CELESTE.
Don’t be silly, it’s too much fun to look for.
MIRANDA.
Look we just got a shipment of bedpans, and I need to put them away before they get warm. Stand warned Celeste Truehart.
(MIRANDA EXITS.)
STETSON.
I’ve missed you.
CELESTE.
Don’t say that.
STETSON.
Why not? It’s true.
CELESTE.
But, I’m married.
STETSON.
Details. Let’s not let little things stand in the way.
CELESTE.
I admit it, Dr. Waverly. I find you attractive, but we could never mean anything to each other. Parker may be a no good philanderer. He may just have married me for my money. I don’t really care that he hates my son and kicks the maid. I can overlook the fact that he won’t make love to me anymore. After all, he is my husband. I’ve made a commitment, Stetson and I, Celeste Abbott Bauer Horton Hughes Quartermaine Ryan Tyler Truehart will stand by it.
(Stetson tries to kiss Celeste.)
CELESTE.
Don’t.
STETSON.
I have to.
CELESTE.
Alright. But I won’t enjoy it.
(They kiss passionately. CELESTE grabs her head in pain.)
STETSON.
What’s wrong? Shall I call a doctor?
CELESTE.
No. I just suddenly have a terrible headache. I must go lie down somewhere.
STETSON.
There’s a waterbed in my office. Go there. I’ll check in on you as soon as I’ve cancelled that transplant scheduled for this afternoon.
CELESTE.
Should you do that?
STETSON.
Anything for you.
(CELESTE MAKES A GRAND EXIT. Stetson takes Timmy’s pulse. MIRANDA ENTERS.)
MIRANDA.
Sorry about your mother.
STETSON.
It takes on every now and then.
MIRANDA.
Pulmonary embolism?
STETSON.
New head writer.
MIRANDA.
What about Celeste?
STETSON.
What about her?
MIRANDA.
Did you tell her?
STETSON.
I couldn’t. How do you tell a sweet, wonderful hottie that her son’s a bunch of broccoli?
MIRANDA.
Easy. Just suggest she stock lots of hollandaise in the house.
STETSON.
Miranda, that was crass and unfunny!
MIRANDA.
Sorry.
(ENTER COLLETTE McGHEE with an evil laugh.)
STETSON.
Collette McGhee! What are you doing here?
COLLETTE.
I heard there was party. I came as a favor.
MIRANDA.
This hospital has enough problems without you being here. I heard you left town when they brought back witch hunting.
COLLETTE.
Miranda Tate, I haven’t seen you since last summer, just before the rest of the rabbits went into hibernation.
MIRANDA.
I should have pushed you off that ledge into the toxic waste tank when I had the chance.
COLLETTE.
But you couldn’t do it, could you. And do you know why? Because you’re not woman enough. You can’t even keep a real man satisfied.
STETSON.
Oh, yes she can. Miranda and I were lovers once. And we were married too, weren’t we?
COLLETTE.
I said a real man, Stetson, not a cheap Marlon Brando imitation.
STETSON.
Get out!
COLLETTE.
No! I came to see Timmy.
STETSON.
You know Timmy Truehart?
COLLETTE.
Yes.
MIRANDA.
Isn’t he a little young?
COLLETTE.
Get your mind out of the gutter, you registered trash. It hasn’t gone that far!
STETSON.
And it never will!
COLLETTE.
Are you threatening me, Dr. Bimbo?
STETSON.
No, but am telling you that he’s paralyzed from the neck down!
COLLETTE.
You’re sort of a doctor—cure him!
STETSON.
It’s not that simple!
MIRANDA.
He’s been in a coma too long…
STETSON.
Stay out of this, Miranda! He’s been in a coma too long. He may never come out of it.
COLLETTE.
No!
STETSON.
Yes!
COLLETTE.
No!
STETSON.
Yes!
COLLETTE.
Liar.
STETSON.
Am not!
COLLETTE.
Are too!
STETSON.
Am not!
MIRANDA.
Are too!
STETSON.
Sometimes! But not this time.
COLLETTE.
I’ve got to go.
MIRANDA.
I thought you came to see your precious Timmy.
COLLETTE.
I came. I saw. I conquered. Besides I have a terrible headache.
(COLLETTE makes a sweeping EXIT.)
STETSON.
That reminds me, I must check on Celeste Truehart. She’s still lying down in my office, and it’s time to make some waves.
MIRANDA.
Wait a moment. There’s something you should know.
STETSON.
Alright, but hurry, before she gets away.
MIRANDA.
I was working in the hospital when Timmy was born. I was carrying your child at the time. Celeste Truehart and I delivered on the same day.
STETSON.
But our baby was…stillborn.
MIRANDA,
Sort of…you were hooked on Pop Rocks and having an affair with the cast of “The View” at the time, and I didn’t know what to do.
STETSON.
You mean you were the one who told Barbara Walters I thought she was too girlie?
MIRANDA
No, I told Meredeth Vieira you said she was flat…and it was Celeste’s baby that was stillborn. So, I made a switch. Timmy Truehart is our son.
(STETSON passes out.
BLACKOUT.)