What's wrong with me?

[airborneinfantryman]

I guess I am Bisexual because I like to look at gay and Bi porn.

I have had a few M2M encounters, however when I do it I don't feel any pleasure like I do with a woman.

I think about sucking cock but when I do it it is very mechanical, I wont kiss a guy because I think it is too "gay" but sucking and fucking are not??? and afterward I feel like hell. Guilty and ashamed feelings come over me. I hate myself for doing it.

Do i do it because I like it, or because i don't like myself and do it so i can feel rotten afterwards.

I guess I am not getting my thoughts across well but that is how I feel.

Anyone else think this way of have any ideas?

[Realist]

Well, Airborne, Welcome! Here's some thoughts from an old man, who has been down this road:

I had a period of time when I felt like you do. I had impulses and urges that I tried to quell....I HATED them, tried to ignore them, I didn't want to be bisexual! But, those desires kept coming back! I thought I was the only one who felt that way.......... It got pretty depressing, for a while.

Then, I realized I was feeling bad because of others' morals, that they'd tried to instill in me. Trying to follow rules, made by those, who had no idea what it was like to be bisexual, I was doomed to fail.

My desires could not be ignored;they were a part of me. I liked both genders, I loved both genders, and I needed both!

Finally, I understood that I couldn't change who I was. I was ME and I was going to have to live in a way that I was born to be!

Few, on the outside of my brain, could see how I changed........I was still a gentleman, still respectful and courteous, paid my bills, went to work, earned a living...............but inside, I had accepted that I was bisexual and that was not going to change.

I doubt if anyone can specifically tell YOU what to do. I had to figure it out on my own, with a little help with a mental health professional. But, basically, I did it on my own.

There's some really sharp folks here, who are a lot smarter than me. Hang around a while, ask questions, reveal your feelings....you are anonymous, here. We will know you only by your moniker.

Many here have been through exactly the same things you're dealing with and maybe someone can open some doors of acceptance and peace for you.

I hope you will find what you need; don't be too hard on yourself, OK?

Good luck and thank you for your service.

[BiDaveDtown]

You're homophobic/biphobic and have internalised homophobia or biphobia about your own sexuality. In short you are not comfortable with your sexual orientation or yourself.

[MtnMan]

Airborne, kinda harsh from BiDaveDtown, but pretty accurate. It's a head game you're involved with with yourself. Being in the military and in a very aggressive unit, you're probably use to the intensity of most all of your activities. Sex fits right into that. See if you can have your next few sexual adventures in a more relaxed way--whether with a female or male. If you can do that, great, and if not, try and figure out why it has to be so intense throughout. I think if you understand the relaxing part, you can start moving toward enjoying all sex more.

[Brian]

You're homophobic/biphobic and have internalised homophobia or biphobia about your own sexuality. In short you are not comfortable with your sexual orientation or yourself.

Personally, I think the first part of what you said is overstating it. The words "homophobic" and "biphobic" have specific meanings with some strong connotations that I am not sure fit with the information the OP provided. I have a different opinion for the OP.

Airborneinfantryman, first, welcome to the site.

You are obviously getting something out of your same-sex encounters. On some level you like it. But clearly, on another level well, just as you said, you "feel like hell." So you have some conflicting values, perhaps even seriously conflicting values. One way or another you are going to have to reconcile the conflict because it clearly bothers you deeply. Some thoughts to that end:

One, is don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself some time for things to become more clear. Reading between the lines I am guessing you are a man who takes his integrity seriously. And you feel you should not be having conflicting values. I look at myself the same way. But I think we all go through times in our lives when we are in a state of flux and introspection, where our behaviour doesn't match some of our values, but I am not sure it is a bad thing. Sure we may feel like a hypocrite during this time. But it just means we are human and we are changing and growing and have high standards for ourselves as far as our behaviour matching our values. So, I am thinking, don't be too hard on yourself, and give yourself time to work it all out. It may be that you just need time.

When I was a teenager I had feelings like yourself, although perhaps not as intensely. Eventually I worked them out. It does feel very good to be a consistent person again.

Two, you should congratulate yourself that the root of your crummy feelings at this time is that you have high standards for yourself and your own integrity. Not everyone has that kind of integrity - I am thinking of some famous scandals involving people who said one thing but did another - these people do not have your integrity because they were never as conflicted as you are now.

Three, if your feelings are really intense you should seriously consider professional counseling. I mention that just in case your feelings are really very intense. If the conflict is really bad with you there are people who can coach you through resolving it faster than you might be able to work it out on your own and thus save you a lot of pain.

I hope that info helps.

Best regards to you,

- Drew :paw:

[Coastocoast]

The first time I had a male male encounter it was unplanned, I had never really thought about men sexually, I was dead sober and made a split second decision to allow a guy to go down on me when he tried because I was horny. Unlike some who had long time attraction to men, this was a decision I made when a guy I knew was bi got his hand on me up the leg of my shorts while I was dropping him off and I thought what the hell? This can happen many different ways but while it is occurring and when it is over it can be rough on some. I asked myself who am I and how did I allow this to happen? It was like a movie afterwards... got home tried to scrub my skin off in the shower and was mortified. I felt guilty and was asking myself what have you done like I had killed someone. It took me time to resolve my feelings and conflict over the one event. Eventually I came to terms with it and I was comfortable enough with it to take the opportunity to have another encounter. I felt similar conflict with the second encounter and guilt although but not as deep as the first time and it was more brief. I took me several years and regular encounters with one individual to resolve it. I am not judgmental with others, but certainly was with myself. I think part of my feelings were because I did not want to be bisexual. At first I tried to pass it off to myself as an experiment and not a fact or state of my own sexuality. Eventually I was able to look at myself in the mirror and admit to myself I was bisexual and more importantly with me, to allow myself the ability to say it was OK for me to be. This for some in natural and instantaneous but for me and many others it was not. I had old tapes in my head from growing up telling me it was wrong for me to be even if it was ok for others. Only you can decide what you are OK with and if you are attracted to men sexually but you may be torn with it, many of us were. Don't do anything you are not comfortable with but cut yourself the slack you cut others. No you are not the only one and Bisexual.com is a place where you can find that you are not alone and many of us have been through it. Your feelings are not unique. Hang in there.

[Swirl]

Airborne go easy troop. I can definitely relate to what you're going through. I would get all steamed up 'thinking' about it, do it and one second after I came, revulsion. Blew me away that I could go from so steamed to hating myself in that instant.

You'll find your way. It's just sex. Societal pressure makes this hard, but try to take it a little less seriously after all you're a soldier, and know, like few do, what is really serious.

[jamieknyc]

There is another possibility too, that the fantasy was greater than the reality, and that when he tried it, it didn't live up to his expectations.

[elian]

Some people think that it's easy to choose not to be gay. I think it's easy to choose who you have sex with, but not so easy to choose who you love.

Drew talked about values and I guess that was a big part of my life too. When I was little all I ever wanted to do was love, then I learned from my folks that "nice" boys don't get ahead. I wanted the love and acceptance of my mentors and peers so badly that I would have done anything to change. I used to be very unhappy about my desire to be with men and I used to feel guilty about having sex. When I was a teen I used to beg God, "Why did you make me this way?" The reply I got ranged from silence, to "I'm sorry" to "I had to so you would understand."

I now know that I was given the gift of an open mind, if I hadn't had to question my sexuality there is a good chance I would be a pretty uptight guy. I now know a little of what it feels like to be "on the outside looking in" at what is "normal" .. but the story doesn't really end there.

I met the first man in my life who I knew was genuine, that loved me for who I was, not just a one night stand - and things began to change.. for the first time in my life I stopped looking for approval from everyone else; the fact that we cared about each other was enough. We saw each other a few more times and I realized that when I was in his arms I was happy, being with men made me happy.

I started to realize just how much I was depending on other people's perceptions of me to define my own self worth and self image. I figured that I could either be miserable trying to live up to the expectations of what everyone else thought life should be like or I could be happy and simply be me.

People don't understand same sex love and attraction and what we don't understand we fear and hate but I don't think I'm any less moral simply because I love men. There are examples of very honorable LGBT people all throughout history.

Every once in a while I still get depressed, I once confided in God how disappointed he must be that I didn't get married, have a wife. The message I got back was simply, "I just want you to be happy." I eventually worked up enough courage to tell my immediate family and they were supportive, which was great - it was the same week when the President said that "after careful consideration" he was changing his stance on gay marriage. I still haven't told any of the folks where I work (although they can probably guess) - frankly who I choose to love has no bearing on my job performance.

This book (http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X) is a little simple, but it gave me the "training wheels" I needed to break the cycle of self-loathing that I kept beating myself up with.

Love yourself. Love others. People think that love is weak, yet I know no more powerful force in the universe. We spend trillions of dollars on national defense but it is incredibly difficult to stop one single, determined individual.

I wish we had videos like this when I was growing up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9woWAs2i5Ps

The only other thing I will say is that regardless of our sexual orientation I think it is natural for people to seek out others like them when they are hurting or in confusion. I know that there are some truly evil people out there but predominately we help each other, that is what being human is all about.

This is also a good sermon about failure, although you are NOT a failure simply for liking men. You are as worthy of love and respect as any other part of creation. Your sexuality is only one small part of who you are as a whole, healthy person.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f07d9Ss8Va4

[airborneinfantryman]

Thanks for all the informative responses. It has been like this for a long time actually. I wish I could be more ok with it.

As it is now it is like I want to but don't want to.

[elian]

Well, it took me the better part of 25 years to get THIS far and I'm still not sure I'm 100% "okay" with it, I *know* there are people in my community who are not but at least I stopped hating myself. It helps that LGBT folks seem to be accepted now more than ever in history.

Knights in shining armor are great, they can be (and often are) good people, wonderful heroes, but at some point even knights have to take off their armor and there are usually scars underneath. The important thing to know is that no matter what else happens to you in life, you are loved and you are worthy.

Thank you for your service.

[pepperjack]

Wow, can I ever relate to you and your ambivalent torment! Was asking myself the very same question this past week. Had a very hot encounter with a much younger man last week-end; it was in many ways a fantasy fulfilled. He was as I said, young, nice looking, clean, edifying, courteous, respectful then finally, grateful for the pleasure I had given him. The next day I was riddled with despair & anxiety.The following day, I mentally relived the incident, got really hot & bothered & relieved myself, after which later I found myself asking your question. I appreciate all the replies here as well; they've been insightful, therapeutic & liberating.

[Gearbox]

The difference between m-m sex and m-f sex is that the whole world approves of m-f but not the other.
Same with females and males having sex too. Females are not approved in the way males are. So heterosexual males have no 'moral'/social conflicts to deal with when they have sex. The ONLY thing they have to worry about is notching up the numbers of those 'dirty whores','sluts' etc etc to feel aproved by others.
It's bolox! ALL bolox! But that's what we got, and have to deal with sadly.

As a pre-teen experimenting with sex amongst m&f friends, there were NO conflicts. Just the fact that it was enjoyable. That's all that mattered!
When I learned that m-m sex was not aproved of, and being different was 'wrong', suddenly the fact that it was enjoyable was NOT all that mattered. Then came many years of trying to 'fall in line' with aproved behaviour, and the self denial that came with it. It's a hard habit to break free of, and doesn't often come without some level of psychological turmoil.
Truth is I got it right as a child:- The fact that it is enjoyable is all that matters.:) All the the other social stuff is bolox!

What you need to do now (IMO) is allow yourself to enjoy m-m sex and reject the guilt n shame! Examine it and ask yourself where it comes from. Who are you trying to be aproved by? Who is telling you that it is wrong? Should you realy give a shit?
IMO you can enjoy m-f sex better because there's no fear involved. It's ok! But m-m sex is not ok! And as long as you have that idea in your head, you'll have that 'gay sex' = guilt&shame cycle going on.
IMO it isn't 'gay sex'. Nothing to do with 'gay' at all. It's just sex, plain and simple. So try to keep it simple if you can.:)

[elian]

In your profile it says you are married so I guess that complicates things - I know if I was married I'd want to do right by my wife too. Some of the folks who are in a married relationship might be able to offer better advice than I can about that.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sigh. Way to be supportive BiDave. Good job. *Rolling eyes*
Airbourne, what you are feeling is natural to some folks. You are undecisive and unsure. Its is mentally so wrong, but physically soo right. Thats where your dilemma lies. You have to decide where a happy medium can come into play. Its perfectly fine to love the company of men and women alike, and have a good healthy sexual relationship with Both. Its ok, Honey. Just relax and dont feel so guilty or loathing. Its ok to be safe enough in your sexual arena to be comfortable having relations with a man. :} Just relax and enjoy yourself.
Hugs and Welcome to the site.
Cat, everybody's feline.

[void()]

I met the first man in my life who I knew was genuine, that loved me for who I was, not just a one night stand - and things began to change.. for the first time in my life I stopped looking for approval from everyone else; the fact that we cared about each other was enough. We saw each other a few more times and I realized that when I was in his arms I was happy, being with men made me happy.


Yes, I love you for you. I love you as a whole person with all of my heart. I love my
wife the same way. Love her as the whole person she is and with all of my heart.

Yes, I know that may sound contradictory. Some would say you may only have
one such love. I strongly disagree with such a train of thought. Let me illustrate
why with a simple question.

Do you know anyone that is perfect? I do not.

And as no one is perfect it is a fact that no one person can fully satisfy another person.

A person can satisfy themselves. It is nice having company doing that. Nicer still when
one realizes that a single other person may not meet every need. And that is fine if they
don't. It is also fine to love one or two others, at least in my opinion.

Honestly, it is not a bad thing one person may not meet another's every need. And that
person trying to meet another person's needs, does not need to feel insecure. That's
where open and honest, mature communication falls in.

I do not cheat on elian or my wife. They are both aware of one another. They may not
be bosom chums, they are at least friendly with one another. Oddly as much as I expect
them to, they do not compare notes regarding me. I can feel safe in confidence with either.
I trust them, love them. And I would never betray that.

Sometimes I stumble and forget I'm worth loving. Then one or both of my lovers will
make posts, or gestures in other formats as elian did above. From these I draw memory
and slate my doubts of worth.

* gives elian a smooch *

[ExSailor]

Some people think that it's easy to choose not to be gay. I think it's easy to choose who you have sex with, but not so easy to choose who you love. Drew talked about values and I guess that was a big part of my life too. When I was little all I ever wanted to do was love, then I learned from my folks that "nice" boys don't get ahead. I wanted the love and acceptance of my mentors and peers so badly that I would have done anything to change. I used to be very unhappy about my desire to be with men and I used to feel guilty about having sex. When I was a teen I used to beg God, "Why did you make me this way?" The reply I got ranged from silence, to "I'm sorry" to "I had to so you would understand." I now know that I was given the gift of an open mind, if I hadn't had to question my sexuality there is a good chance I would be a pretty uptight guy. I now know a little of what it feels like to be "on the outside looking in" at what is "normal" .. but the story doesn't really end there. I met the first man in my life who I knew was genuine, that loved me for who I was, not just a one night stand - and things began to change.. for the first time in my life I stopped looking for approval from everyone else; the fact that we cared about each other was enough. We saw each other a few more times and I realized that when I was in his arms I was happy, being with men made me happy. I started to realize just how much I was depending on other people's perceptions of me to define my own self worth and self image. I figured that I could either be miserable trying to live up to the expectations of what everyone else thought life should be like or I could be happy and simply be me. People don't understand same sex love and attraction and what we don't understand we fear and hate but I don't think I'm any less moral simply because I love men. There are examples of very honorable LGBT people all throughout history. Every once in a while I still get depressed, I once confided in God how disappointed he must be that I didn't get married, have a wife. The message I got back was simply, "I just want you to be happy." I eventually worked up enough courage to tell my immediate family and they were supportive, which was great - it was the same week when the President said that "after careful consideration" he was changing his stance on gay marriage. I still haven't told any of the folks where I work (although they can probably guess) - frankly who I choose to love has no bearing on my job performance. This book (http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X) is a little simple, but it gave me the "training wheels" I needed to break the cycle of self-loathing that I kept beating myself up with. Love yourself. Love others. People think that love is weak, yet I know no more powerful force in the universe. We spend trillions of dollars on national defense but it is incredibly difficult to stop one single, determined individual. I wish we had videos like this when I was growing up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9woWAs2i5Ps The only other thing I will say is that regardless of our sexual orientation I think it is natural for people to seek out others like them when they are hurting or in confusion. I know that there are some truly evil people out there but predominately we help each other, that is what being human is all about. This is also a good sermon about failure, although you are NOT a failure simply for liking men. You are as worthy of love and respect as any other part of creation. Your sexuality is only one small part of who you are as a whole, healthy person. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f07d9Ss8Va4 Excellent post. :)