New here - Am I bi? gay? straight?

[Musician]

Hey everyone!

I'm 27 years old - male. I grew up completely masturbating to women my whole life. Loved women. Adored them. I got addicted to porn, and since I've quit, I've had HOCD - supposedly. But I feel some weird attraction to guys - namely gay guys only, because they seem more feminine to me. I even sometimes get arousal. But it doesn't quite feel like the same love and arousal I had for women. But I've felt that my love and arousal for women isn't the same as it was when I was younger, even a few years ago. It's really kinda depressing me. It's really grown over time, but on some days I feel more straight than others. This is a new experience to me - it's been happening only for the past year, which is kinda late for this to be occurring, I guess?

Sometimes, when I watch movies I saw when I was a kid, I remember all those great feelings I had for women, and nothing for the men, which makes me feel more like what I'm used to. But I've always felt some kind of anxiety around gay guys, but now I'm wondering if it was some kind of attraction. Has anybody else gone through this? Does this mean I'm really hiding my gayness? Am I really a repressed homosexual? I'm just concerned because I have a girlfriend whom I live with and I love her, but I don't want to marry her if I'm really going to discover I'm gay, or if I'm a Kinsey-4 or above. I don't want my sexuality to ruin my relationship.

I sucked some dick when I was younger, but it wasn't fully grown and I fantasized about women while doing it. I tried it with the same boy when he was older, and when it felt like a real man cock, I immediately took it out because I didn't like it. Also, kissing a guy really doesn't do it for me, but I could be in denial, I guess.

So I'm wondering, what's with the anxiety around gay guys? Am I really gay? Does my relationship with my girlfriend have a shot? Have you guys been in a similar situation?

Thanks for the help.

Cheers,
Musician

[Tulsatomcat]

Gee Dude, sounds like your human. Guess you'll just have to live with it like the rest of us!

[Long Duck Dong]

hi and welcome to the site......

lol HOCD, I hear that term and I laugh.... cos its a pseudo psych term.... or in simple terms, a non defined term that is used to refer to a person that has anxieties or concerns that are real to them but fall outside of any true form of anxiety disorder..... so giving it a term, makes people feel better about themselves and they start to believe that what is going on, is actual something that they can not control.....

a simple answer for you, is that you find gay males interesting and it can be for a number of reasons....but its no different to women that you find attractive.... you enjoy the company of women but you are not attracted to all women, young and old, of different cultures and races.... there are defining levels of attraction and interest....and it can be the same with gay males......

the fact that you felt arousal, can be confusing as we are taught that arousal equals sexual interest, it doesn't always mean that, we can have a arousal response to the way a person makes us feel, without having a interest in sex with that person.....

so take a few deep breaths and rather than worry about what you may or may not be, the best thing you can to, is take the time to learn about yourself and the gay people and what it is that makes them interesting to you.... what do you think about when you are around them, do you feel sexually aroused, aroused, turned on, sexually interested etc.....

your feelings towards and about women, change over time, as we age and life presents us with different challenges and situations, we change as people and so do our feelings, thoughts and understandings.....and its very possible that you are changing from a person that has enjoyed the GF type love and its becoming more of a partner type love.... again its something that you know the answers to, and only you can say for sure how you actually feel inside, about your partner.....

so take some time, sit down and think about things, your feelings and thoughts, try and get them into some semblance of sense for yourself, then come back and share them with us, as sometimes when you do that, and then reread what you have posted, you can answer many of your own questions...... cos that is what you have a lot of, its the answers inside yourself that you are not seeing....

[gen11]

MUSICIAN: First of all, remember that you are affected by social conditioning, which is still heavily homophobic, though there is greatly more tolorance and acceptance for bisexuality and homosexuality nowadays than when I was going through adolensence and young adulthood (up to 30) in the 50s, 60s, and 70s. That is going to intensify your ambivilence and anxiety about the question that faces you. And realize that social attitudes about homosexuality have changed back and forth over time. I'm now reading essays by Plato, who writes about his teacher Socrates, and makes it very clear that Socrates and his contemporary adults were not only homosexuals (or bisexuals, I suppose), but chickenhawks (old men who seek sex with very young men). Alexander the Great had a male lover -- not sex partner, but a man he loved -- whom he took on campaign with him; his whole army knew it and would have thought him odd if he didn't have such a person. Lastly, regards your social conditioning and the still-perponderant contempt society in general has for homosexual behavior, realize that in working to accept any homosexual tendencies you may have, which may be true to you and your nature, you'll be swimming against a strong current.

Secondly: Please don't be too concerned about labels. Simply seek what is true to you. Experiment if you need to (and you probably do), but until you are sure which way you want to go, left, right, or somewhere in between, be COMPLETELY discreet and VERY careful about medical issues and the possibility of physical danger. There are Neanderthals out there who get their kicks by mugging "queers" and they will lure you. Always meet first in public.

Third: As a married man in whom bisexuality literally burst out overnight a decade into a very good marriage to a woman who would be destroyed if she learned about it, I can tell you that it is damned awkward and emotionally dangerous to be a closeet bi in a relationship with a woman; it also becomes exceedingly financially dangerous to be so in a marriage. Consider this, in your circumstances. On the other hand, men whose women know and approve are the second-luckiest men on earth, behind only those whose women know, approve, and participate. These women, I think, are rare; ladies who do are exceedingly rare.

My suggestion is that you follow natural tendencies for awhile, in complete secrecy, and reflect deeply and carefully about your EMOTIONAL reactions AFTER the lust is spent and the euphoric emotion gone. Then follow what seems to truly be you.

And good luck -- you're going to sail through some turbulent waters before reaching a safe port, no matter how you address the issue.

[elian]

There is more than one type of love, It is possible to be platonically attracted, romantically attracted and sexually attracted to people with different genders. Your experience of confusion is very normal. We have been told from a very young age that you either are or you aren't. Until I found this site it never even occurred to me that someone could like BOTH (or more) as a serious option. Most guys my age are looking at marriage by now. I used to get so frustrated because I felt that I had to prove to myself whether I could be happier gay or straight and married.

Thinking back on it, I have always wanted to love - when I was young I really didn't care about the gender, in my younger years circumstances conspired to make me want to seek love and affection from guys more..I haven't really given women a chance although there are a few I find very attractive.

I used to get so frustrated because I would think about guys all the time, so sure I was gay and then see a video of a woman pleasuring herself and feel just as aroused.. By participating on this site I have learned that there is a whole spectrum of desire and attraction. There are very few things in nature that are truly black OR white - most things are shades of gray. we humans have a hard time admitting that sometimes.

Accept and love yourself for who you are, you were made to be exactly who you are and there is not a thing wrong with that other than society not really understanding that at times it's more about who you love instead of who you sleep with.

Regardless of who you love you are still worthy of love and respect. Love yourself first, then you will know what it means to love other people in a healthy way. You are not alone.

[Realist]

Welcome to the site, Musician!

You've come to the right place and have already received some excellent advice; there are many bright and helpful folks here, who can assist you on your journey. Each of us have differences and, what may excite one person, may turn another one off. You, apparently, have found a particular type of male who interests you more than others.

I can only add that the "Pendulum of desire" is something that has been discussed here before. There may be times when you will have almost no interest in being with a guy, then, during other times (some say the moon affects us) you may feel stronger urges.

Your concern about what your GF might say, or do, upon learning of your desires is valid. I agree with those above, who suggest that you should get to know yourself first, before sharing your thoughts with anyone. Only you can make the decision regarding coming out, or staying in the closet. I have hidden my bisexuality for most of my life, but now am completely open and honest with my GF and a very few very close friends. However, I am in a much safer place in my life, right now, than you are.

Take your time, get to know yourself and what desires you determine are mandatory for your happiness, then make informed decisions as to what is right for you to do.

Good luck!

[NakedInSeattle]

Musician, this (above) is the best advice you could possibly receive. The Frank Sinatra song (I Gotta Be Me) comes to my mind - "I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me." Thank heaven I'm what gen11 would call one of the "most luckiest" men in the world. It sure was an anxious and scary moment when I said those can-never-take-back words. And it's been fantastic ever since. Good luck.

[fredtyg]

Only you can make the decision regarding coming out, or staying in the closet. I have hidden my bisexuality for most of my life, but now am completely open and honest with my GF and a very few very close friends. However, I am in a much safer place in my life, right now, than you are.
!

I'll disagree, at least in part. I don't know that he'd be "coming out" by expressing to the GF what he has to us here. He'd simply be saying he's unsure of his sexuality. I suppose in a way that is coming out, but I'd just say it's being open to someone about what's going on in your head.

I've written here before that I am one who doesn't feel anybody should feel an obligation to come out to anyone unless there's a compelling reason to do so. I stand by that. I'd suggest that- while this isn't quite the same as coming out, imo- it is important to share such important thoughts with a housemate who might be a potential life mate.

Let's say he keeps it hidden. Then, after some time, decides he is bi or homosexual? Might he have let it gone on too long as we've heard from so many before?

We've heard from so many guys here that early on in their relationships thought their homosexual activities were just a fluke and they were going to go on the straight and narrow once they entered a long term hetero relationship. Then decades later that homosexual urge becomes a large part of them but they've been in their hetero relationship too long and don't feel they can let their other half know.

In this case it wouldn't really be declaring one's homosexuality. It's just being open about what he might feel. If the GF couldn't even handle a potential bisexual and decides to leave, wouldn't it be better to get that over now rather than after years pass by?

[Musician]

We've heard from so many guys here that early on in their relationships thought their homosexual activities were just a fluke and they were going to go on the straight and narrow once they entered a long term hetero relationship. Then decades later that homosexual urge becomes a large part of them but they've been in their hetero relationship too long and don't feel they can let their other half know.

In this case it wouldn't really be declaring one's homosexuality. It's just being open about what he might feel. If the GF couldn't even handle a potential bisexual and decides to leave, wouldn't it be better to get that over now rather than after years pass by?


Ok, you guys have a wide variety of really insightful opinions. Thanks all!

I have been very open about this with family and my girlfriend. Actually, they can't listen to me talk about this anymore. But I realize it's important to be open with people who truly love you, because they are on your side. At least I believe they are on my side. They've offered me support and love, that they will love me no matter what orientation I am. I find no shame in a sexual orientation, at least with ones you love. With others, they may or may not take it well, so that's a line that needs to be tread lightly, but that goes with any other conversational point which may or may not upset people.

What I'm most concerned about is that the homosexual stuff really isn't a fluke, like in the above quote. I've always been in hetero relationships. They haven't always worked out. Either I got too much anxiety and backed away, or in most cases, the girl wasn't that into me. With this one, I've been with her for almost 3 years now. We really love each other. Not always physically. But that comes and goes. I check out a lot of other girls and really get excited by them. I'm just concerned that liking girls might be temporary with my new checking out of guys. But I've never even really given it mind until last year. I never liked the guy as opposed to girls. All my buddies were guys, and I never even thought of sexual things. I wanted to bang every girl though. Just their softness and sexuality really was nice.

It's weird - some days I'll feel nothing around gay people and total erections to women, like today. So it's shifting. Maybe it's just a state of mind looking for another fix since I quit porn. Or there's something else to it. I don't know. The hardest part for me is if I'd have to lose my identity of liking women, whether I'm straight or bi. I understand new discoveries are great, but when you've made women a priority in your life because it was something you truly loved, then it becomes a loss - one where you can't have the family you dreamed about and one where your fantasies of pussy don't come true anymore because your tastes have changed.

It's just really that one concern - what if my new-found fantasies about guys reveal that I'm really on the gay side without previously knowing it, and how can I handle a relationship from there? Or in your experience, you don't really turn gay, but are bi and can be in a straight relationship? From what I understand, if you were into girls, you don't really lose that? And if you were bi, you would have probably been into both sexes from adolescence? Or am I off-base here?

Also, in response to a previous quote - I am slightly considering experimenting with or without her - she's given me license but I haven't had the desire yet to actually act on it. I actually have wanted to get her in a threesome with another girl, haha, but she hasn't budged on that. Partly to see (and I'm scared of this) if I'm still into chicks (likely am just from checking girls out, but scared it won't happen in person), and partly to fulfill a bold item on my bucket list.

Anyway, you guys are quite helpful. Thanks.

[Jobelorocks]

Okay, I am a bisexual woman and I think that my experience may help you out. It is very common among bisexuals for our attractions to be different for each gender, different kinds of attraction for the genders, and for our attractions to change over time. I am attracted to men sexually and romantically, while I am only attracted to women sexually. Also sometimes I am more attracted to women and sometimes I am more attracted to men. That is very common. I go through "phases" all the time where I want a particular gender or sometimes I want both equally.

You may be gay, you may be straight, you may be bisexual. No one can know for sure but you. From what I read though, it sounds to me like you are a bisexual. It sounds like you are attracted to both genders like me, but you are attracted to them in different ways and at different levels. I could be wrong. These things take time and patience to figure out.

[fredtyg]

Also sometimes I am more attracted to women and sometimes I am more attracted to men. That is very common. I go through "phases" all the time where I want a particular gender or sometimes I want both equally.
From what I read though, it sounds to me like you are a bisexual. It sounds like you are attracted to both genders like me, but you are attracted to them in different ways and at different levels.

Exactly. You'll find some guys- as a recent thread here indicated- are just interested in cocks. Nothing about the guy other than that. Others are into any number of different aspects of m2m relationships. Some are emotional. Many are not. And those feeling towards either sex often change over time. We go through phases.

As for me, a few years ago I considered myself pretty much homosexual since my sexual interests were pretty much entirely in men. But even during that phase I found very few men sexually attractive. I've always found many, if not most, women sexually attractive in some way.

Most of my male friends I haven't been interested in at all sexually. Even if a female was just someone I'd see on occasion I could always find something sexually attractive about her. Also, face to face, I nearly always prefer to talk to women as opposed to guys (Never understood that).

Everybody's different. Whether you really need to use a word to define your sexual interests is up to you. I find it fun discussing such issues as we are now, but the bottom line is there's so many aspects to one's sexual attraction(s) you can drive yourself nuts trying to define it.

Maybe we should just satisfy ourselves with that old '60s saying: If it feels good, do it, and not worry about why we're doing it?

[elian]

Whether you ask an obviously straight man to suck a cock, a gay man to sleep with a woman or a lesbian to sleep with a man they would all tell you that they are not interested, at least not sexually.

You have stated several times that you find women attractive and it is obvious you love your girlfriend and she loves you. New things can be exciting and a little scary but there is a very good chance that you aren't all of the sudden going to "turn" gay and leave. You love both and it is okay. I am glad that you have the support of your gf and your family - it makes a huge difference in being able to see yourself in a healthy way. What role your sexuality is going to play in your relationship will be a discussion you can have with your girl once you know yourself a little better.

As a single man I may not really know much but when married wives ask this question ("Am I good enough to satisfy him, what if he leaves me?") I tell them, "He loves YOU, he comes home to YOU.."

I also used to remind myself that you can't be in bed ALL the time - you should choose a mate based on how compatible you are with each other in all things - whether you have good communication and can offer each other love, support and encouragement in the right ways when and where it matters. Your sexuality is only one part of who you are as a whole person.

[Musician]

So, knowing that since it's likely I won't turn gay, and that I still get really nice and hard and loving for a girl, that sounds pretty good to me. I have no problem doing stuff with guys if need be, and I don't think I always desire that, but the relationship is really the most important aspect for me. I'd love to keep working on the relationship, because she's really the best girl one can ask for.

I'm particularly happy that I'm putting the thought into my relationship and thinking about her, because I have heard so many stories of guys who were really gay jumping into relationships with women and having it tragically end. I'd ideally love to spend my life with a woman, and she's a damn good one.
I am also wondering a little whether if it's just because it's the novelty of a new sex - that I've never really had a cock before, and that can be exciting. In my heart, somehow I still feel I need a girl, because that's soulful to me. So maybe that's something I'll have to grapple with. But damn, I love that pussy anyway, so I hope that would be my hook to remain in the relationship. That and having a really good relationship :-)