Bisexual anxiety need help

[Marine]

Hello I'm new to these forums and lately I've been having alot of anxiety about my sexuality. Now, I've fully accepted my self as being bisexual and have come out of the closet to people. But my anxiety and panic attacks are solely based on what people think of me. No matter how much i tell myself, I still deep down care what people think of me.

And Im not sure if this is normal for even gay man nevermind bi but I like giving blowjobs to my best friend (who is no longer my friend). I've actually had quite a history it is very weird because i was molested when i was younger by an 18 year old but i like it? I was only 5 too and he showed me a porno magazine for oral sex. Another time when I was 13 i met a gay kid and he always joked about kissing me, etc. Well he asked if he could blow me one time and i let him and it was the most amazing thing i've ever experienced. I asked if i could blow him too and i actually ended up loving it. It felt very natural and not weird at all.

Well one day when I was 16 I had my first cold sore and my friends were joking around saying i sucked a dick... alll of a sudden this is where my panic attacks started kicking it and I lost ALL my friends, everyone in school called me a cocksucker, my cousins from another town found out, my girlfriend found out and broke up with me. I had a mental break down for a year. I'm now 18 and It got very worst.

If I was in a room in school and someone said the word gay I would have an instant panic attack even though I already accepted my sexuality, i haven't accepted what other people think of me. And it's starting again at work.. The simple word "blowjob" gives me an instant flash back and panic attack from what happened over 2 years ago. I'm on edge, they prescribed me ativan, i haven't gone to counseling. How the hell am i going to tell a counseler that i gave a blowjob? That's soo humiliating. Anyways, I want to join the Marine Corps and I come to a realization that I can't have all this anxiety so i stopped taking my medicine. I've been doing alot better dealing with my anxiety about it but it's still BAD and i want to get rid of it.

I'm sorry if i typed too long of an 'essay' but i needed to get this off my chest and really need some help.

[Long Duck Dong]

the way it works in you, is that its like walking along a path and your acceptance of yourself creates solid ground to walk on, but the word blowjob becomes a bottomless pit and you *fall * into that pit.... so finding and fixing the root cause of the issue, creates a solid footing in the middle of the pit for you to step on and that helps stop the downward plunge into a anxiety attack

it comes across to me, that you may have trouble relating to how others think, a area inside yourself that is like a empty space and when somebody says the word blowjob, you have nothing inside of yourself that you can *touch * and use as a buffer *....and many people create a * I don't give a shit * buffer when it comes to others thoughts and opinions, however that is not the safest thing to do, as the * I do not give a shit * approach often results in people developing a * its my choice, my life and others need to give over it * including partners.... and that can close the door on communication with partners around your bisexual and the possibility of open relationships.....

a good counsellor doesn't have to be a LGBT counsellor, a good counsellor will put aside their own personal opinions and provide a professional and unbiased opinion that is in the best interests of their client.... tho in your case, going to a counsellor would be a good idea as treating the issue is not as good as treating the root cause and the root cause can be the cause of other issues that you may not be aware of because they are *masked * by the anxiety attack triggers

[elian]

Wow hon,

Well number one, being molested can do things to your psyche that are not nice and just because you like men does not justify someone in a position of authority taking something that does not belong to them. No child should be forced to use their own body as ransom for love, and then be also shamed into silence because of it.

I was molested at a very young age as well, I also "liked" it because I came from a divorced family and it was the first time a man ever held me in his arms like he truly loved me. I was also bullied, I don't think people really -knew- I liked men but they could tell something was "different" about me and that's all it takes kids in school sometimes. My natural inclination is to be affectionate, not physically aggressive so high school for me was hell. The role models I looked up to, the ones that were supposed to protect me instead let me know that I was worthless. This was all without them even knowing I was gay..(because at that time I never even considered the idea that you could love both genders).

It took me years to understand that there is a difference between love and sex (and I still like to blur the line too much). With the encouragement of good friends and family and believe it or not, spiritual help I was able to understand my own sense of self worth and learn to begin to trust people again. For me, being bisexual is more than -just- the sex, it means that I am capable of loving either gender deeply and in a meaningful way. There are a lot of hurting people in this world that could use love. It is a shame that more people in society do not see it that way but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you - you were made as you were intended to be and you are loved more deeply and broadly than any of one us could ever show you with our physical bodies. People are a blessing and a gift from the divine..each one of us is a part of creation that is worthy of love and respect..believe it, because it is true.

Forgive me if I have it wrong but you sound young. When you leave home you will be able to make new friends who will not know your past and they will judge you on the content of your character and your actions - there certainly are LGBT members of the armed forces and they are just as honorable and dedicated as any other solider. Frankly your sexual preference should have nothing to do with the performance of your job. The one thing that sexual preference has going for it over other forms of minority discrimination is that you can usually hide your preference. I believe that ALL people have potential, please do not listen to the people around you who are speaking of out of anger, ignorance, fear or prejudice - they don't know the courage it takes to turn toward your fear and smile at it - accept it as a part of you - be patient with yourself and know that although you haven't always been treated kindly you are worthy of love and respect.

I can't possibly post all of the references to youtube videos and other things that I have used to learn to find peace with myself so I'll post this blog address instead:

http://smallsphere.wordpress.com

..and this link to a book that although it is by no means perfect, gave me the "training wheels" to learn to break a cycle of self loathing. I loathed myself because other people had so throughly convinced me that I was not worthy and also because I loved to be with men.

http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X

Being with men makes me happy at this point in my life and quite frankly as an adult, I have learned that there are some things you just aren't going to get everyone to accept and agree on. Until they actually walk in your shoes they just don't know what you've experienced. I can either be happy and loving and accept myself as I am or miserable to please other people. I can be scared and miserable in looking and dwelling on the past, or accept myself where I am, for who I am and hope for a better future..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BsLd4Y060Q

[Marine]

The root cause that causes my panic attacks are from guilt and what my friends found out and told the whole school. Basically i can't think of anything else unmasking because i've told every thing needed to know. I do understand your analogy and it makes very much sense. Maybe I am blinded by anxiety to see what's really causing it but in my heart and my gut is telling me it's what happens when I was 16.

[elian]

I can only imagine what it must've been like to be outed in such a harsh way. People can be very cruel sometimes but you WILL find friends who will like you for who you are. A lot of people will try to tell you what you feel is wrong - try to forgive them because they really don't understand. It is a lot easier to be ignorant and cruel (all the while deflecting attention from their own self-image problems). What I found out years later, after high school? The kids who picked on me most were the ones who got BEAT when they got home, picking on me was the only place in their lives where they could feel any sense of control at all. I do not like what they did, it took me years to work through it - but I can understand why they did it, I can empathize and most important of all - I forgive them for it. The forgiveness is for myself, not for them..I don't even have a clue where half of those people are right now.

[void()]

I can understand your situation as I live in a similar one. Elian is my bf, has met with my wife. I've told them, my mom knows and wife's dad knows due to reading something unrelated regarding me. These are the folks I care to know. Not really anyone else's concern.

I do mention it for health care providers. I'm disease free and strive to remain so. However, it'd be unethical to have medical health folks work with me, without them having knowledge to take adequate safety precautions. And I suspect if it ever occurred they contracted something and I'd not have said, even being clean, it'd be seen as illegal on my part.

You say you accept yourself. Then do. Relax. Keep friends and family close. You don't need the world, just those you love.

[Marine]

Thanks your posts have helped me. But It's the overwhelming feeling that feels like i can't escape. Everyday out in public feels like a battleground for me and my anxiety. My anxiety is controlling me and making it miserable for me. Though at this point i feel very confused about everything before it was only the male body parts I like, now maybe because im open-minded I could probably kiss and have a boyfriend but it's still a weird phase i'm going through. I know what it takes to be a Marine although i am physically fit, Marines don't have anxiety. If i can't handle being a civilian i can't handle a Marine's life.

[elian]

I can empathize with what you are saying but a HUGE problem in the armed forces right now is that service members think that it is weak to seek help. It is NOT weak to seek help, it takes a hell of a lot of courage to admit you are struggling whether the help is from your buddies or from a trained professional who can help you work through your pain.

I am very frustrated with this latest shooting because it takes real courage to live your life. That shooter was a coward in my mind. Not only did he give up, but he also decided to blast up the place out of anger, destroying the lives of innocent people in the process.

Our culture sucks so much when it comes to people who need healing. We are all fighting a hard battle to understand just who we are and what our place in the world can be. You do not have to do it alone..there are people who can relate to you and we love you very much. Maybe we can only be your brothers and sisters but at least then you will know that you are not alone.

Human beings fail, as a matter of fact that is often what we do best - but we are not DEFINED by our failures.. We are defined by our thoughts, our dreams, our actions.. We are beings of great potential and life is about pushing you to accomplish more than you have ever thought possible, sometimes that is a scary thought and sometimes it just doesn't seem fair but no matter what happens you are loved very much, other people will walk with you.

By the way, being "gay" is NOT a failure, it is simply another aspect of a person's life, such as their height, their hair color, the color of their skin or their physical sex..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9woWAs2i5Ps

[elian]

I also think that regardless of our true sex or sexual preference we tend to seek out people with shared experience when we are injured. It should not matter if you are gay, straight, bi, lesbian, transgendered, male, female, white, black, latino, asian, rich, poor, young, old, etc. - a person in need of love and healing is something we can all understand. It should not matter, but often times it does.

This time of year is about being reborn. People are afraid but fears pass. If we could only recognize each other for who we really are then we would not be afraid but instead love one another. Yes, you really are strong enough. Even under the best of circumstances it takes courage, patience, faith and determination to live your life, it takes courage to ask for help. It takes empathy, strength, patience and compassion to care for others.

None of us can do it all alone, we NEED the support of the whole Earth - soil, water, air, fire, plants, animals, other people in order to survive and thrive. I really hope if people don't understand that by now then they realize it very, very soon.

[Realist]

Elian, you amaze me!

You are definitely one of my favorite members; your intelligence and compassion are boundless!

I'm serious, I love reading your replies and posts!

[elian]

Marine's post struck a nerve...one part of my life was very unhappy but a lot of help and support from others who genuinely seemed to care helped me grow. Some who published books, quotes, poems, music, video clips will never even know me, but even by simply being who they are and sharing their passion in life they helped inspire me :)

The only other thing I would say is to remember that your sexuality is only one part of a whole person..you have a lot more to offer the world than only what is between your legs.

Guys, especially young guys like to trash talk about sex a lot, and they will and do tease each other but as you go through your training you are forming some bonds, the kind of camaraderie that will mean that even in the worst of times those other guys will protect you and you will protect them. I hope that I am right in saying that bond will mean more than any teasing or cruel words ever will.

I hope that I speak for many people here when I say that we are proud of you for trying to overcome your fear, eventually you will succeed.

[Herculoid Poirot]

First let me say that you are not alone! Many of us have been where you are.

I've dealt with issues of anxiety and sexuality for most of my life. I was involved in a terrible relationship with an older boy when i was about 11. I had no love for him but he gave me the attention I craved. It was a bad scene. Later on I fooled around with my friends and learned that I loved to suck cock as much as I loved to lick pussy. But when word got out about my sexuality I was harassed and even attacked. I was always an anxious kid, but after people started finding out about my sexuality my anxiety got very bad, and only got worse as time went on. Medication is what finally made my life liveable. It's not easy, you have to find the right meds and even then there will be side effects and eventually they will stop working. But it's better than living your entire life on the edge of a panic attack, trust me.

I never got much out of counselling but is has helped so many people. Don't worry about being embarrassed, they've heard EVERYTHING! A good therapist won't make you feel embarrassed or say more than youre willing to say at any one time.

You CAN overcome your anxiety, or at least manage it. I'm actually off all prescription meds right now for the first time in a loooooong time. (that's another story entirely)

P.S. Until you feel more solid mentally, I think it's best to hold off on applying for the Marine Corps, that's gonna be a tough ride.

[Gearbox]

I felt a lot more comfortable with being bi, when I found out how common it is to be bi. When somebody mentioned 'gay' or 'gay sex' in my teens I'd automaticaly get a pinch of guilt for the things I did pre-teen. But you learn that your realy just one of the crowd, in any crowd when it comes to sex and sexuality.
We may not all anounce our acts/desires and not want to, but rest assured that the term 'cocksucker' is not a refrence to you. Not you alone anyway!

Next time you hear those buzwords, just think how much company you have. That might help you divert those feelings of exposure anxiety away from you alone.
Your NEVER alone!;)

[gen11]

Marine, this is suggested gently and only with the intent to help, not as an insult (too bad you can't see my face or hear my tone of voice): Panic attacks as a reaction to anything, other than a roaring gorilla in your closet or the appearance of my second wife, are a psychological abberation suggesting the need of professional help. I have had to deal with panic attacks connected with depressive illness. I will contend with the illness the rest of my life but I've escaped the panic attacks with professional help and, in my case, medication. Being the recipient of scorn and ridicule is intensely miserable. My heart goes out to you, but the suggestion of professional help is made only with respect to your extreme reaction to it -- the panic attacks. A change of venue, a change of acquaintances, may help the other.

Perhaps irrelevant: The Christmas I was 16 I had a new girlfriend who was a kissing fool. I broke out with oral herpes so badly that all I could get through my lips was a hospital straw; I lived for three days on nothing but home-made egg nog (real eggs, milk, etc.) No oral sex, with male or female; only a lot of powerful smooching with her. That cold sore was probably just a cold sore.

Good luck.

[mike1]

Hello I'm new to these forums and lately I've been having alot of anxiety about my sexuality. Now, I've fully accepted my self as being bisexual and have come out of the closet to people. But my anxiety and panic attacks are solely based on what people think of me. No matter how much i tell myself, I still deep down care what people think of me.

And Im not sure if this is normal for even gay man nevermind bi but I like giving blowjobs to my best friend (who is no longer my friend). I've actually had quite a history it is very weird because i was molested when i was younger by an 18 year old but i like it? I was only 5 too and he showed me a porno magazine for oral sex. Another time when I was 13 i met a gay kid and he always joked about kissing me, etc. Well he asked if he could blow me one time and i let him and it was the most amazing thing i've ever experienced. I asked if i could blow him too and i actually ended up loving it. It felt very natural and not weird at all.

Well one day when I was 16 I had my first cold sore and my friends were joking around saying i sucked a dick... alll of a sudden this is where my panic attacks started kicking it and I lost ALL my friends, everyone in school called me a cocksucker, my cousins from another town found out, my girlfriend found out and broke up with me. I had a mental break down for a year. I'm now 18 and It got very worst.

If I was in a room in school and someone said the word gay I would have an instant panic attack even though I already accepted my sexuality, i haven't accepted what other people think of me. And it's starting again at work.. The simple word "blowjob" gives me an instant flash back and panic attack from what happened over 2 years ago. I'm on edge, they prescribed me ativan, i haven't gone to counseling. How the hell am i going to tell a counseler that i gave a blowjob? That's soo humiliating. Anyways, I want to join the Marine Corps and I come to a realization that I can't have all this anxiety so i stopped taking my medicine. I've been doing alot better dealing with my anxiety about it but it's still BAD and i want to get rid of it.

I'm sorry if i typed too long of an 'essay' but i needed to get this off my chest and really need some help.


If it helps, I've been in psychotherapy for a long time and my therapist has always responded in a very professional, understanding, accepting and helpful way to things I've told her that had tormented me the way you describe. Hang in there. Rome wasn't built in a day.