My sexual needs - any girls out there who can help?

[maggie1974]

I am recently out as bi following my divorce after a an affair with a female friend. My ex and I have remained good friends and are still close (we were married for twelve years). He was very accepting of my emerging bisexuality and despite an obviously great deal of hurt and feelings of rejection on my part he remained objective and supportiv throughout (one key point he reiterated when I went through guilt and upset was that it was imperative that I remained true to myself and that if I needed a woman rather then him or any other man then it was what was meant to be - although he has said he would have cetainly felt very differently had I left for another man). OK so that's the background. To cut to where we are now just over a year further on, I have been going for a drink with him on a monthly basis ever since we split, just friendly chat nothing more. Last night we were out as I had arranged to finish work early, when we left the pub (bar) and got back into his car (he always drives) I had this overwhelming urge to want to sleep with him, so I asked hi if we could go somewhere and have sex. He refused very courteously, on the basis that a) I had been drinking and b) he felt that I had "not been myself" when we were out and he thought that it would only leead to confusion and possible upset. He was very nice about it. I then, due to having drunk too much, offering to give him oral sex in the car, but again he refused really nicely and suggested that instead he drove me backt o mine, where being the perfect gentleman he took me in and made me hot chocolate beofre leaving. I feel really confused as I really wanting him in bed with me and he was so decent but woldn't let it happen. There were no cross words, or upset from him just wholly polite suggestions and action. I know he has dated a woman from his work a couple of times although he says it is probably not going enywhere and I know that I left him for a woman and I know that he would have rather I stayed.

So why do I feel hurt and rejected this morning?

[topper99florida]

Dear Maggie, although it's understandable you would feel hurt, you might think of it also as a wonderful compliment: your ex-husband obviously considers you a wonderful person. That's rare, and if I were in your shoes, I'd give him a big hug and thank him for being a gentleman, and a friend.

As an ex-husband (long ago, and far away), it happened to me, but my ex and I were not on nearly as good terms. Alcohol was part of the picture, and probably a lot of pent-up desire and longing for what we may have had. But, also because I was seeing someone else at the time, I declined, which in hindsight, was still the better option.

My humble advise, if I can say it, is to enjoy the friendship you have with your ex. Over time, as sex declines in importance and friendships mean more, you may come to really appreciate his actions that night :)

[Annika L]

Because love and desire are not rational.

It's great that you can identify the rational reasons he refused. You might dig deep a bit and figure out whether, now that you're sober and in a better place, you still want to have sex with him. If the answer is yes, you might find a way to (politely and gently) share that with him...but recognize and accept too that sleeping with you, after having been rejected, might be too painful for him to contemplate.

But it's perfectly normal to feel hurt and rejected after being rejected.

[bityme]

Maggie,

I think you gave your own answer. You feel hurt and rejected because he rejected your advances, not once but twice!

You say that you just recently came out as Bi. Your story, however, does give the impression that your affair may have been a period when you thought of yourself as lesbian. If it was just a bi venture, considering your ex-husband's attitudes, it is sup rising that you got a divorce in the first place. Is it possible that you are now going through a period of feeling regret over the divorce? Your ex-husband does sound like the type who could adjust to your bisexuality and allow you to satisfy your urges while married. It certainly is worth some consideration.

[Meliss]

You have to examine your own feelings. When I read this my thoughts were.
1. you may not be worthy of his trust or physical affection any longer.
2. you may be jealous that he has found someone who could take your place relatively easily. It can be hard to be replaced when you are the one left alone.
3. he may no longer feel anything for you and is being kind. I have had that special feeling for someone die when they disrespected me by their actions.
4. he may still love you and be forbiding himself from being hurt further by you.
None of the above may be true, and it may not be worded the nicest ways.

[voltaire]

Maggie,
ther
Peraps you still have strong feelings for him and he probably has very strong feelings for you....but he does not want to subject himself to the pain of sex with you and then you leave him again. I would suggest that you talk to him again when you are sober and if you still are attracted to him that you discuss that issue. I would guess that even if the two of you are never together again that that probably will always love you in some way, even if it is not a sexual love. In any event , take comfort in the fact that there is someone who loves you in an unconditional way in this rather sad and tired old world.

Voltaire

[maggie1974]

Thank you guys - you are all totally right. I was hurt that he rejected but having rejected him and (at the time) come out as lesbian I also (albeit unwittingly) challenged his manhood etc, and I guess of course he doesn't want tog et dragged through my affections and rejections all over again, why should he? He is a damned good bloke and if I hadn't got caught up in a g//g affair we'd still be together.

I've pulled my self together a bit and just rung him before he went off to work. I apologised for pressuriding him over it. He says it's fine and not any problem for him and (reasonable as ever) he is concerned for how I'm feeling. (sometimes I wish he would be unreasonable so I could blame him for my poor behaviour through everything - a shrink would have a field day with that :rolleyes:).

Part of me still loves him and I do have sexual needs, which of course I know he can reach. I left thinking I was a lesbian who had repressed my "true self" but very quickly realised I was bi - or certainly still in sexual love with m/f sex aswell.

Thank you again for your kind words Mx

[Realist]

Maggie,

Most bisexuals I've known have an emotional pendulum that swings from one extreme to another. At times, I have felt mostly gay, while at other times more heterosexual. You seem to have moved toward a more homosexual period, but have now swung back into a more bisexual era. Your mood, at a particular time, may dictate your appetites.

I think you're normal and will just have to accept that you can, and probably will, change from time to time.

Enjoy the ride!

[maggie1974]

Maggie,

Most bisexuals I've known have an emotional pendulum that swings from one extreme to another. At times, I have felt mostly gay, while at other times more heterosexual. You seem to have moved toward a more homosexual period, but have now swung back into a more bisexual era. Your mood, at a particular time, may dictate your appetites.

I think you're normal and will just have to accept that you can, and probably will, change from time to time.

Enjoy the ride!

Thank you, am going to have a good try. Mx

[Curiousdude47]

True friends are very hard to find, consider yourself lucky, not rejected.
Your ex sounds like he is very concerned about you, offer again when you have not been drinking.
His advice is solid, stay true to you. Good luck, hope your dreams come true.
Drunk sex is often not the best anyway:bigrin:

[Annika L]

I left thinking I was a lesbian who had repressed my "true self" but very quickly realised I was bi - or certainly still in sexual love with m/f sex aswell.

Maggie, this sounds like an important realization for you...is *he* aware of this? I hate to see what sounds like a great relationship completely destroyed by what sounds like, effectively, a misunderstanding (you misunderstanding yourself and your needs).

[maggie1974]

Maggie, this sounds like an important realization for you...is *he* aware of this? I hate to see what sounds like a great relationship completely destroyed by what sounds like, effectively, a misunderstanding (you misunderstanding yourself and your needs).

He is since I rang him and apologised for being a drunken harlot, yes. We had a very good and clear talk about things. Basically, he said it would have been innappropriate to have slept with me as I was drunk and in the morning he would have felt that he'd used me for sex and I too would have felt used by him to some degree. I have to say in sobriety I agree.

He also told me that his feelings for me still run very deep and he would have found it very difficult to deal with. He told me that it was hard enough letting me go and at the same time accepting my change, but it would be harder still if I came (in his words) "flitting back whenever I needed a f***". He also said that if I really had grounds for regret we could maybe talk in the future about getting back together but only after I have found my true self. He said he would accept me being bi but not coming and going - which is perfectly reasonable really. He also told me that he'd slept with the other woman he's been dating since we divorced, it can't say I was thrilled to hear that, which is more a statement on my remaining feelings for him manifested as jealousy. Ho hum, early days yet :) Thanks Mx

[maggie1974]

True friends are very hard to find, consider yourself lucky, not rejected.
Your ex sounds like he is very concerned about you, offer again when you have not been drinking.
His advice is solid, stay true to you. Good luck, hope your dreams come true.
Drunk sex is often not the best anyway:bigrin:

Thaks Curiousdude47, my post above to Annika kind of covers my response, so rather than repeat it.. but thank you Mx