Three-way relationship? advice, please

[seattle9876]

My boyfriend and I have had NSA threesomes since the beginning of our relationship (we've been dating years). He's asked me in the past if I'd be open to a three-way relationship (dating, sex, the works) and I said no. A week ago he brought home someone he knows well but I know marginally, who I've known has liked him for some time, under the implication that it would be three-way NSA sex, probably repeated. After we all got marginally intimate and she left, he told me he cares for her and would like to see this be a three-way relationship. He shared this general idea with her a couple weeks before he told me he had feelings for her. I feel a little betrayed because he shared this with her first, though I brushed off the idea of it being an offense because this is new territory for us. However, it still bugs me that he presented it to me as NSA when that's not what he or she appear to want. My questions are:
Am I being unreasonable by feeling uncomfortable by this?
Would I be unreasonable to ask to read any texts they've passed over the year they've known each other?
Do you have any advice?

[Bisexual Explorer]

My answers:
Only you can decide whether you are unreasonably uncomfortable. In the same situation, I think I'd feel the same way. But that's speaking only for myself.
Absolutely do not ask for text messages, emails, or any other correspondence between them. Do not play detective. Your boyfriend has already told you that he has told the other woman he cares for her - a positive. Though not enough to offset the big negative of not telling you first.
Now for the really tough part, the advice. Your boyfriend sounds like a guy who wants to eat his cake and have it too. (OK, another bad pun.) You've made it clear that you're OK with NSA relationships. (A huge majority of men on this site wish their women partners felt this way. That's a different topic.) And you've made it clear that you're not OK with a 3-way relationship. You've set the rules now enforce them.
Bisexual Explorer

[hotgirl98123]

Dear, playing with body and playing with emotion is completely deffrent. tell him clearly........your behave will effect our relation.

[tenni]

I see this as a chicken and egg issue. Who should be approached first? Your lover/partner or the new person?


Am I being unreasonable by feeling uncomfortable by this?
Absolutely not! If most of us put ourself into your position, many probably would feel slighted and hurt. I think that by him approaching her first that he has added to your insecurity issues. He has not placed you as number 1. Then again, he has not really placed you as number 2..but it would feel that way to you...or most of us if in your position.


Would I be unreasonable to ask to read any texts they've passed over the year they've known each other?
Yes I think that it is unreasonable to ask to read any texts they’ve passed back and forth without her permission. Do you want him to share any emails, texts between you and him for the past year?

Deal with the real issues which seems to be a violation of trust, insecurity that you may be pushed out the door and more.


Do you have any advice?
Sit down with him and begin honest dialogue. He needs to understand that his behaviour of seeking her out first has hurt you and threatened you in the relationship with him....let alone bringing this woman into the mix. I sense that you want to know his priorities. He may want both of you. The issue for you is if you feel secure enough to enter such a relationship. (suspect that you are not secure enough). Ask him what he thinks that he can do to rebuild the trust that is shaken and make you feel secure in your present relationship...yet alone a triad relationship.

[Gearbox]

Refusing to make the relationship a 3way won't erase the OW. Your bf won't have feelings for you only! That's gone!
So what you really should think about is if you can handle that.

If you sure you can't, then leave him. If your sure you can, then stay. If your not sure, then give it a chance.
It's not about how your bf feels, it's about you!

[BiDaveDtown]

Don't get into an open relationship it sounds like it's not for you. You're getting very jealous that your BF just talked to some other woman and not you. Imagine how you'll feel when he fucks the shit out of some woman when you're not there and he's probably done this already with this chick you wrote about. Also if you didn't want an open relationship why did you allow him to bring home someone to have a 3 way with?

[cbb83]

My honest advice to the OP is to run - screaming. These things sound good on paper and may be fun for a while but from my experience and the accumulated experience of others I have known, they simply do not end well except in the most extraordinary circumstances for very lucky people.

[Jason0012]

But when they do work are quite worth all the effort.

[Herculoid Poirot]

I think you're feelings are completely understandable. You and your BF are looking for different things and that is going to cause friction.

I don't think it's reasonable to ask to see his personal communication. It's personal.

I think the answer is there already, but, if you're interested, I recommend the book Opening Up. It's a very honest, step-by-step process to creating open relationships of different kinds, from NSA situations to full partnerships.

[magic669]

Does she turn you on? Do you want to be intimate with the two of them? If yes, enjoy. If no, say, NO. If he can't handle that, that's his problem.

[zigzig]

Probably you are concern about the emotional bond between your boyfriend. Honestly I think that your boyfriend acted egoistically, because he should have asked you first, before bringing another woman into your relationship. It's not good to have forced things in a relationship. You have to tell him how you feel, because he probably doesn't have any idea about your emotional status.