Learning to adjust - advice needed...

[GeorgiaCouple]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have two children. Both of us work...we go to church...pretty "ordinary" marriage to the outside world. But we are both bisexual. My wife shared this with me before we got married – unfortunately I thought my "experiments" prior to getting married were just that, but they ended up being more than "experiments", which led to issues in our marriage early on. BUT we worked through things and moved forward. We tried the swinging things a few times...it was fun at times, but the lifestyle just didn't fit us all that well. We've had a lot of trials over the years (and many were very recently) that have brought us to a place where we are closer now than we have been in our entire marriage.

Recently my wife has been visiting a lesbian friend of hers from high school who has cancer. At first it was just her showing support for a friend and eventually it turned into something more. Which brings me to where I'm at today and why I'm posting.

My wife tells me that she loves me very much and that I'll always be her true love, but I can't help but feel like there is a little piece of me (and our relationship) that is being eaten away every time she sees her girlfriend. Or I know she called her on her way to work or on her lunch break instead of me. Or she texts her 100s of times a day. I don't want to make it sound like my wife isn't there for me, because she is...but I always wanted to be the one person who could fulfill her. And now I've come to the realization that I'm not ever going to be that.

I'm trying really hard to be supportive because I love my wife and want her to be happy, but this is extremely difficult. I could use some advice on how to deal and cope with this. Again, this isn't a polyamorous relationship where we all live together...there will be no menage a tois...her girlfriend really doesn't even want to meet me. What can I do to come to grips with this and not loose my mind or my wife in the process?

[Long Duck Dong]

part of being a *perfect * partner, is being aware that there are times that you can not be everything they need at a point in time.... and your wife is being an aspect of the friends life for how ever long that time may be, ... but she returns to you every night....

you do the same in a way with your friends, tho you may not do it in a intimate way... you became an aspect of their lives in the same way that they become an aspect of your life, in a way that your partner isn't.... and to try to be the *be all to end all* can mean that a person can become possessive without realising it.....

my partner and I are the same, we have a understanding that the other person has the freedom to move in many directions as we feel guided to do, and help people in need.... and we respect the fact that we are each others partner, lover and companion but there are others that may need our company and support at times.... and its not about sex or sexual relief, its about the times that we can make so much of a difference in another persons life.. so there is a vast amount of love, trust and understanding in the relationship and a lot of honesty and talking between us both.....

your wife can be going thru a difficult time herself and may have got herself in a lil too deep for her liking, but may be allowing things to flow as they are as she may understand that one day it may all end and that is when you will become the person that she needs to be more than a husband and lover, you will also need to be a compassionate, caring, understanding and sensitive person because the way you handle the situation, could do so much good or so much harm to the marriage.....

there is no perfect partner and no perfect marriage, only those partners and marriages where people totally love, understand and respect the other partner... and allow their partners to be the * angels * that other people may need in their lives for a brief or long time.... and you become that partner from heaven, when you stand strong for your partner, ready to hug them when they need a hug, wipe away the tears, share the laughter and never forget that one day, you may be the partner that becomes the angel to a person that needs one

[Realist]

GC, as a person who was also born and raised in the conservative south, also bisexual, I can attest to the pressures you're probably dealing with. Welcome to the site and I applaud your honesty, as well as your wife's.

What LDD wrote above is pretty much what I would have written.

I, too, was happily married to a lady who was bisexual, but I was never invited to participate with her, or her lovers. Her female lovers were a part of a separate life for her. Just as in your situation, that life did not interfere with our married life. The difference is, I accepted it; you are dealing with other emotions than I did. I rarely felt that anyone took precedence over me; she just needed and got satisfaction from her lover, that I, as a man, could not give her. I'm not a jealous person, understood her needs, and occupied myself with other endeavors, when she was gone.

However, I understand that you feel less than elated that she is spending time with her friend. Not sure if I'd call it jealousy, but you are not pleased with her time away from you. As a bisexual, yourself, I would think that you would understand her desire to be there for her friend. You didn't say it, but I suspect that you feel they are also intimate, as well as your wife caring for her in her illness.

I would suggest that you look at the big picture and realize that you could possibly damage your relationship, more, by confronting your wife (regarding her time away). If you make her choose, between her lover and you, it's possible that she could be offended enough to leave. You're on tender ground, in my view. Her friend's cancer will make it doubly more difficult to stop seeing her.

From what I've read, you actually have an excellent relationship with your wife. However, if you can't resolve your issues with your wife's time away, there may be a change in your future. As I see it, there's two possible results......she will cease spending time with her friend, or our relationships may get worse, or even end.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do!

[sumerfield]

My wife and I are both bisexual and accept that we cannot meet the need for same sex companionship and intimacy. It makes us both a little uneasy each time one or the other of us away is with someone else. The knowledge that we are in love enough to recognize the need and make room for it in our relationship has made the bond between us stronger. It can be much more difficult for me when I feel that her emotions and love are getting out of bounds. We have been able to recognize that it sometimes does and we are able to bring it back into perspective. It seems to work best for her and for me when she is involved with someone else in a similar situation. Namely a bisexual married woman. The pull to have an exclusive relationship with the other woman is less since they both are bi number one and in love with their respective husbands. My bisexual encounters seem to be more sexual and not too emotional so I havn't had to deal with any runaway emotions. It seems to work for us. I hope you and your wife find a place that can work for both of you. It sounds like you both love each other and that is the most important aspect. Keep communications open at all costs.

[GeorgiaCouple]

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to put it into action. I think tonight is going to be the first time that my wife is going to be intimate with her girlfriend. I have been supportive...and actually suggested meeting her tonight (normally Wednesday isn't a good night for that kind of thing...family stuff) since her girlfriend may start chemo tomorrow.

[GeorgiaCouple]

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to put it into action. I think tonight is going to be the first time that my wife is going to be intimate with her girlfriend. I have been supportive...and actually suggested meeting her tonight (normally Wednesday isn't a good night for that kind of thing...family stuff) since her girlfriend may start chemo tomorrow.

OH...I re-read this and part of it didn't make sense. I suggested that MY WIFE meet with her tonight and have their first "intimate time" together.

[bisexualman1980]

I think you just need to be honest with her about your feelings. That's kind of the first step in making any kind of poly arrangement work (cause you are in a poly arrangement, even though you aren't in a pod where you live together). Work on ground rules. Tell her that you want this arrangement to work for all of you, and discuss your concerns. It's okay to ask her not to text her girlfriend when she's spending time with you. It's okay to tell her that you want to set up a schedule to ensure that you all (her girlfriend included) have your needs met. I know it isn't the most romantic thing in the world, but it is so important to make sure that you don't get steam-rolled in this process. Remind her that it is easy to get swept up in a new lover, and that you understand her excitement, but that you don't want to get left behind. Emphasize that you aren't trying to make her feel badly about her actions or relationship with her girlfriend, but that you need to make sure that your relationship stays intact.

That said, if she is making time for you and spending time with you and her new lover fairly (whatever that looks like for you three), then you do need to try and figure out where your jealousy is coming from. If you are just adjusting to being in a poly relationship, then it just might be a matter of time until you manage to get over the idea of monogamy and all the stuff we're taught to believe about realtionships in our culture. It is okay to talk with her about that too, as long as you make it clear that it is your issue and not hers. Maybe she can help ease some of your fears. Just don't ever frame it as "Honey, everything you are doing makes me jealous." Nobody can make you jealous but you, so it isn't her fault if you are. Don't try to put that on her.

I recommend the book opening up for ideas on how to manage these styles of relationships. Here's the link for it if you are at all interested. http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1354383425&sr=8-5&keywords=open.

This is an idea I can't help asking, but have you considered experimenting with a guy again? Since you have those inclinations anyway, maybe you would feel less jealous if you were getting a little something on the side too. Couldn't hurt to ask if you have any interest. Good luck!

[GeorgiaCouple]

Thanks all. Well, I'm in a lot better place than I was when I first posted this thread. Here are some of the things that have helped (in case anyone else is going through the same thing).

1. I asked my wife to change the password on our online phone account. There was just too much temptation there for me to go online and see the number of texts, when they were coming, phone calls, etc. and start over-analyzing things. Yes, I should have enough self-control not to look, but the temptation was just too much. I feel much better not having that starting me in the face.

2. My wife and I have started working out schedules. I'm not going to say that we've got it down to a science or that I don't miss her when she is gone, but at least I can schedule some "me" time in there and things are more amicable.

3. My wife and I talk through things incessantly. I don't think we've communicated this well our entire marriage.

4. I came to understand that some of those problems in our marriage over the years were probably just from my wife trying to fight the feelings for having a same-sex relationship.

5. I wrote a letter to her girlfriend to let her know that I was onboard with the relationship and that she wasn't a "homewrecker" as she seemed to feel like. I went on to explain reasons why I thought we should not only talk, but also actually meet. I sealed the letter in an envelope and had my wife deliver it to her girlfriend the next time she saw her. Her girlfriend wrote a letter back, sealed it up and sent it back with my wife. My wife didn't get to read either letter before her girlfriend or I did. The letter was very nice and it opened the door to more conversations. Since then, we've text several times and I just got off of the phone (we talked for about 30 minutes). It was a good conversation!

6. I confronted some things with myself and came to the realization that I could see myself in a similar relationship somewhere down the road. With guys, I've never had that kind of attraction to what anything more than just a sex partner, but as I see the happiness that it is bringing my wife (not to mention the fact that I'm a few years older...and hopefully more mature), I'd be open to considering that type of relationship. I have talked to my wife about it and she seems to be agreeable.

Again, thanks everyone for the thought-out responses that I received.

[bisexualman1980]

That's awesome! I'm glad to hear things are going so well! Congratulations on successfully navigating those tricky waters!