Marrying a bisexual women.

[norwood067]

I have been dating a women for 6 monthsnow who is bisexual & I plan to marry her in the next year or so.We are in a LDR well 8 hours away she works two jobs at the moment &my hours are just strange but we still make time to see each other. Ihave dated bisexual women in the past but nothing has ever came of itbefore, not because they were bi but life & other things got inthe way of getting serious.
I am straight & I've always had &still have friends of every sexual preference. So that isn't theproblem. She told me about this when we started getting more serious& I told her I was ok with it. She said if it bothered me shewould stop. But to me being bisexual is like being gay or straight,etc you can't help it. She used to be in a lesbian relationship for 8years after her marriage went into the crapper.
She has always like men & women butfor her women are play toys & for her men are more intimate whenit comes to sex. The type of women she likes are butch so more thenlikely I won't get to watch which I am OK with to be honest. I likehearing about the sex she has with these women & we both get offon it. Now here is the tricky part of me. She can't just have sexwith anyone it has to be someone she knows for a while she cant justgo out & have a quickie with a stranger. She wants to get toknow them first. Let me say again I am crazy head over hills in loveher & she is with me as well. However part of me is scared thatit is more possible for her to develop feelings for someone whiletaking the time to get to know them. I have read that 99.9% ofbisexual women end up marrying a man. She has 3 beautiful childrenfrom another marriage. Neither one of us wants anymore children. Sofar I feel that she has been honest with me about everything but whenI asked her if she is sure about not falling for a women she saidthat IF she wanted to be with a women then she wouldn't be with me.She once said that the only time she gets the urge to have sex withanother women she when she is getting hit on by one other then thatit doesn't really affect her. She once said she feels like a freak ofsorts because she wishes she didn't feel that way towards women. PLEASE give me some advice I do not want to lose her because ofthis!! Like I said I love her & she is my little Goddess. Any advice would be great too. I can answer any questions if I need too.
Just for the record she is not into being with other men & she doesn't want to share me with a women which for me I am OK with I don't want anyone but her.

Thanks in advance!

[Annika L]

Hi Norwood. First, you sound wonderful for each other. It really sounds to me like you're both ok with the arrangement you've made...and that is a fabulous beginning. When I saw the thread title, I was sure I would have to explain about how monogamy would likely become much more difficult for her as time went on (not necessarily impossibly so, but...), etc. ...but you're way ahead of me on that, which is refreshing.

From what you say, your only concern is about whether she would fall in love with another woman and possibly leave you at some point? Ok, first, you are right that she is *more* likely to develop strong feelings for someone she gets to know (as opposed to having one-time sex). So given that fact, the question is whether that is a serious risk. Two things make me think it isn't. One is the phenomenal honesty you two seem to share with one another (another refreshing thing). Not only is honesty good in itself for building a strong relationship, it is also a sign of respect and caring...and that kind of respect and caring between two people isn't likely to just be discarded lightly. The other thing that makes me think your risk is minimal is her stated attitude toward women...she's probably not all that apt to run off with a plaything, abandoning a man with whom she shares such a strong respect.

Forget statistics...this isn't a randomly selected woman you're talking about. It sounds like she wants to be with you. It sounds like she doesn't tend to develop strong feelings for women...but also it sounds like in the unlikely event that she would, she would *talk* to you about it...not as a prelude to leaving, but as a concern to be shared. I mean come on, she can't *know* she won't fall for another woman...she also can't *know* she won't fall for another man...*you* can't say either with certainty either. But you have about as much certainty as anybody has. And it sounds like you do have respect, communication, and honesty. In my book (Annika's Silly Book of Relationship Advice, now available on Kindle), you really can't ask for more than that.

So unless there's more about your concerns that you're not telling us about, I'm afraid I don't have advice, exactly. But hopefully you can make some use of my lack of advice.

Best wishes to you both!

[Gearbox]

I don't get how she could be in a f-f relationship for 8 years when she considers women as 'play things'. Also why she'd need to get to know them before having sex if she views them that way.
It sounds more like she's trying to play her attraction for women down for your benifit. I can understand that, as I've had to do similar with male gay partners who thought that THEY were 2nd best gender. It's like speaking a different language. But putting it plain and simply: If it's YOU she wants to be with emotionally, then your 2nd best to no other on THAT front. And if she does ever yearn for f-f sex, that would be all she wants from a female. That's prob why she uses the term 'play things' and claims she can stop being bi, so you might understand that she won't just dump you for some butch woman she sees in the street at 2mins notice.:)

[Realist]

Norwood,

It seems to me that you love her enough to let her be herself. As you obviously understand, smothering someone is the best way to alienate them.....which you are not doing. It's great that you have accepted her bisexuality and realize it's a part of her that shouldn't affect your relationship at all. She seems to love you just as strongly and is honest enough to share her most intimate desires. Let her be herself and you should be yourself, too.

Personally, I think you have a recipe for a happy life together. As a life-long bisexual, myself, I have had straight partners who were not involved. Once they accepted my bisexuality, most of those relationships were fairly trouble-free.

There are several bisexual women, here, who feel the same as your fiancee, so I know it's not a fluke...sex with friends can lead to long term interactions, that are more platonic, than romantic. Her needs for an intimacy you cannot provide, does not mean she cares less for you! You will also provide an intimacy that a female lover can't.

Good luck and welcome.

[norwood067]

Thank you all for responding. The 8 year realtionship was very abusive she spent 4 years trying to get out of it. She said she could count on one hand how many times she had sex. She had met one women she had known for a couple of months & got to know her she lives 3 hours away from her & only came to down once a month for work. That I could handle easy enough in the 4 or 5 months & only had sex once during that time. I guess I'm scared by her getting to know some one on a personal level that it is more possbible then just hooking up with them for a night. We did talk about this one women who she used to have sex with for 2 years but nothing came of it other then sex. She saw her the other day & with this it worries me is her history with her. Not to mention she is right down the street from her. As far has her craving goes as she calls it then only time she really gets it is when the women has her hand down her pants other then that she looks & moves on. Yes monogamy would come into play if I tried to tell her that I don't want her to be with anyone but me. I won't stifle her being bi thats not love. Nor would I ask her to stop being her. The last time she had sex with a women was almost a year ago before she hooked up with her friend from out of town... maybe I am rambling her I'm assuming that it would be easier for me if she did have a one night stand from time to time instead of having a friend who she has a connection with.. thats realy my only problem with this whole thing & she knows it but can't bring herself to do that.

[darkeyes]

It doesn't matter our gender, or our sexuality, whether or not we are in a closed or open relationship, and whether at the outset, we love our partner to distraction and never think of or dream of another... it is always possible, even some would say likely that at some stage our emotions, or our partner's emotions will become invested to some degree in another person... they.. or we shall love another..fall in love with another. We can expect our partner and ourselves to be monogamous in part as a defence against such an event, but we know that it is not a perfect defence and in fact is as fallible as a more open form of relationship.. arguably more so... we can open up the relationship for fun purposes, but where two people of any gender begin to play in the wider world with others or another.. whether as a couple or individually with separate people it is always very likely that some form of emotional bond will occur somewhere.. it may be just affection or be or develop into love or falling in love.. it is possible also that somewhere, one partner.. maybe even both shall develop more negative emotions.. dislike, hate, jealousy... and such is the complexity of human emotion in the context of relationships that there are no guarantees..

We don't own the people with whom we are partnered or married, who we love or are in love with. We do not have a right to their love forever and a day. no matter whether or not we open or close a relationship there are dangers which we have to accept as existing. By not owning, we do not possess and it is this, backed up by centuries of religious and societal indoctrination which substantially reinforces our possessiveness and creates within us the jealousies which we feel when we see those we love being friendly or affectionate or falling for or having sex with another.. we give our love because it is what our heart and mind tells us we should do when we love... and our partner gives it willingly and we accept it gladly with open arms.. but we do not own partner's mind or body and certainly not her love... Societal history imprints in us so much of how we are and this is reinforced by our family upbringing and the extant attitudes of what we find around us in modern society. It is our own insecurities and our determination to keep those we love to ourselves which is the problem.. for some it works.. for some not.

In the end it should not matter whether our partner keeps herself to herself alone or just for us.. or sleeps around with all and sundry. We should allow our partner the freedom to be herself, and she allow us to be ourself and to live our life with and sleep with whomsoever we please.. but many of us concede ground because of our love for our partner and live monogamously or otherwise as she wishes because of that love and a desire to hold on to the person we care for most in the world... I am one such and my partner knows how I feel and what I wish for us but there can be no compromise because of what she believes, in my opinion quite in error, but for her it is right..it is also her right to believe that however much I dislike it... and there are sufficient other areas of intimate friendship, acquaintance, and eve less than intimate, call it what u will where love is likely to blossom between 2 people whether or not we are monogamous.. stifling desire to be with her others sexually is as likely to drive a wedge and end love as sleeping with other people.. there are those who say it is only sex, and it is only sex, but sex is one of the most initiate things human beings can do with one another.. but it is not the only intimate way human beings interact and not the only reason human beings fall in love... we do not know why we love who we do, not really.. just that we do.. generally, whatever we do and however we act, and on whatever basis our relationship exists with the one we love no more makes it likely that love will persist than any other.. and neither does it ensure that we do not fall for another...

..and many people, most even are likely to love or fall in love with more than just their partner and have that love returned irrespective of the nature of their relationship and that does not mean we love any the less our partner it means we have accepted into our heart another..it is all too possible to love more than one person or be in love with more than one person simultaneously. Do we really have the right to stifle such love? Even simply the desire to be with another and have sex? I long ago answered that question for myself but my partner who I love more than any other person on this earth has come to a different conclusion.. in a sense it is a blackmail whichever one of us accepts the way of the other.. but there can be no compromise. It is a form of possessiveness which I do not share and she knows how I feel but how do u compromise when there is such a gulf on such an issue? I am not afraid of losing her should we open up our sexual life except that it is not something which is natural to her. If she conceded it is arguably more likely she would love another because of a suppressed resentment towards me for doing my thing and having her accept that as the way we live. I do not have any resentment in part because my life has been a ball but mainly because of our history as a relationship and our depth of feeling as a couple.. I concede because like no other she is my world and what we have built is strong and it will endure.. of that I am sure.. were we to go down my preferred route, I am much less sure of that because she just is not the same kind of person as me. And in relationships when coming to conclusions and deciding how to be we must always take into account the feelings and nature of the person we claim to love.

But as a couple, it is our differences as much as our similarities which make us strong and we compliment and support each other each other in so many other ways which give us that strength... It is a complex issue.. in human beings, love, sex and sexuality are complex issues and we do not and never will have all the answers to any of them.. no matter what we do or how we live, we are as likely to fall for another person and/or our partner is and people should accept that.. human interaction does not make that inevitable but it does make it all too possible.

Each couple must decide for themselves what they will and will not do in and with their lives.. through communication and friendship, and through love and understanding of each other and why they are as they are. Relationships are not easy to maintain neither should they be... and they will change as time passes and often roles will reverse as attitudes change. Nothing is cast in stone and we have no automatic right to love or be loved, or to retain love and we certainly have no right to deny the person we love love if it comes from or is given to other than ourselves... and whether or not we are monogamous it is as likely as not that it will occur. By suppression of the needs of another on one hand, or by ignoring the wishes of our partner we risk simmering resentment which in time will end love or which will, because of the conditions we create in the mind of our partner, increase the likelihood that they will find it elsewhere.

All these things and more partners should consider, but in the end no matter what we do it is kismet which will be the deciding factor for none of us can be sure of anything in love, sex and relationships and human relationships, sex and sexuality are far too complex for us never to put a foot wrong and we will make mistakes no matter what we do because there is more than just one person in a relationship and no matter how carefully we tread and relate to and consider the one we love, we will make mistakes and wrong judgements which inevitably throws everything up into the air..

[Apleasureseeker]

For me, I don't think the bisexuality element is important, but open relationships always seem to be problematic, both in my own experiences and those of friends. The difficulty is that there are so many variables. I used to think they were a great idea (in my early 20s), but I would really think twice today.

Jealousy is a big issue. Even if the hookups are casual, one partner will always get more of them than the other, or want more than the other, and that can create friction. Sex with the others can cut into sex time and quality with your partner. And it becomes a good idea to use protection with your partner all the time if either of you is having adventures elsewhere, and that can become an issue, too.

It becomes even trickier if the hookups are not just hookups, but emotional connections as well. A long-term partner offers comfort and familiarity, but will that measure up to the excitement of a new romance? And will your partner be considerate of your feelings if she's suddenly smitten by a hot, new stranger? Will you be comfortable in an empty home when she's sleeping out someplace else (or vice-versa)?

Even in very traditional marriages, it's not uncommon for one partner to become more of a parent to another than a marriage partner. And in this situation, you don't want to be a beard either.

On top of all of that, even if you both have the best of intentions, you don't know what's in the heart of your girlfriend's other romantic partners (or yours, if you chose to indulge). There are people out there who get off on breaking up relationships. There are guys and lesbians who love banging married women, and once they've broken up the couple, they lose interest.

Now I don't know if any of this applies to you and your girlfriend. It's great if you guys are able to work all this out in a way than leaves you both totally happy and not wanting in any way. At the same time, a committed relationship is also about giving up things for the sake of a permanent connection, and that usually starts with sex with others.

At the very least I'd be sure that she's as cool with you having other girlfriends too. If she's not, it's a red flag.

In any case, good luck, and I hope it works out for you.

[cbb83]

In almost every single post like this one... one partner always wants sexual freedom while restricting the sexual freedom of their partner. That is SO freaking WRONG. Inequitable relationships are doomed to failure, IMO. You're supposed to be partners, not captives, not pets, not toys.

That said, if you're ok with her impositions, more power to you. If you're not - then you need to talk to her and see how dead set on things she is. If she refuses to reach a fair compromise with you, move on is my advice.

[ExSailor]

My wife/female partner and I are both bisexual. We have an open marriage and had an open relationship before we were married. I have a male partner who I am with, she and I have MMF 3 ways and 4 ways with other m/f couples, sometimes I will get with other men without her, and sometimes she will be with a woman without me. This is what works for us.