High School "Friends" - or more?

[SampsonK]

Hi everyone,

I am a 19 year old guy, and went to high school with a guy who is currently 18. We were very close during those years, and often joked (along with a couple other male friends) that we were gay. As fate would have it, I have feelings for him. He's the only guy I've ever had feelings for... I'll just make a list of my involvement with him:



Hold hands a ton (whether in movies, at parties, etc)
Laid between each others' legs during class
Feel each others' bodies a ton (massages, back rubs, head scratching, even fake kissing)
Extensive phone conversations (2+ hours, listening to him play piano, falling asleep on the line)
Toss around things like "I love you." - got a random text from him one evening this summer that read nothing besides "I like you." and that's all he texted me that day. didn't reply after that.
Went out to breakfast, he paid for my food. I've bought him movie and event tickets. He's paid for our things too.
Every now and then he looks at me and his eyes seem to be screaming, almost in pain.
One night on a late bus ride home, he fell asleep with my arms wrapped around him.
He wants me to transfer to his school.
This has been going on for years. A lot of it continues even though we are hours apart.
But he also goes on for hours about girls he finds attractive, and how 'women are his weakness.'


There is so much more I could write, but it hurts. Basically, he doesn't reject any of these advances. I want to find out for sure what the extent of our relationship is.

Thank you all in advance for your help - it is difficult to deal with these thoughts.

[zigzig]

From the looks of the signs he has probably some feelings, because a person can't act as if he's ,,in love'' for that long if it's fake. Maybe he is scared of the fact that he might like guys as well? I accepted my bisexuality only in my early 20's.

[Realist]

This happened to me:

Once, I was in almost your same situation. For about 6 years I had a friend who grew to be my best friend. I developed a severe feeling of attraction for him, after we were buds for some time. When I could stand it no longer, I told him how I felt. All of a sudden, he told me he felt the same. We agreed that we were both bisexual and we were about as compatible as two guys could be. Our relationship didn't last forever (ten years) but what we had was a wonderful, loving, and extremely sensual time.

There comes a time when one of you will have to reveal your true feelings. There's no guarantee that your relationship will turn out as good as ours did, but if you don't tell him your feelings, you may explode!

[tenni]

Well, it looks a bit difficult to bring this to an "honest" discussion since you two have been "playing" same sex lovers for so long.

What you haven't done is discuss guys having sex with each other and what his view is about that.

What do you want this friendship to evolve into? Think about that carefully before crossing the line to discuss guys having sex with each other. ie Would you ever let another guy give you a blow job? to "I've been thinking lately that it might be kewl for us to sleep together sometime".(leave that vague) Stuff that takes it beyond the "playing gay" which is what I think you two have been doing as a joke ...no longer a joke to you.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[darkeyes]

Laid between each others' legs during class .

Not quite sure wot ya mean by this babes.. but I catch ne of my pupils doin' that in class they wud b in deep poo no matter their gender:eek2:.... *laffs*

[welickit]

He gave you a perfect opening. He wants you to transfer to his school. Why not tell him you want to come look it over. Ask if he can put you up over night and tell him you don't need special accommodations and you could even sleep with him for the night. If he goes for that idea then go with the flow. If he rejects the idea without a good reason then walk softly. Keep us posted. Take my word, having to sleep over with a friend can turn into a fun filled sleepless night.

[Gearbox]

Kiss him! Smack on the lips, one big long real deliberate kiss!
You'll know for sure how things will go between you within seconds.

You may crash&burn, but at least you'll know, and it's better to get that sorted as soon as you can. You already have feelings for him, so don't wait around!

[SampsonK]

This happened to me:

Once, I was in almost your same situation. For about 6 years I had a friend who grew to be my best friend. I developed a severe feeling of attraction for him, after we were buds for some time. When I could stand it no longer, I told him how I felt. All of a sudden, he told me he felt the same. We agreed that we were both bisexual and we were about as compatible as two guys could be. Our relationship didn't last forever (ten years) but what we had was a wonderful, loving, and extremely sensual time.

There comes a time when one of you will have to reveal your true feelings. There's no guarantee that your relationship will turn out as good as ours did, but if you don't tell him your feelings, you may explode!

That sounds wonderful. If it isn't too much to ask (you could even PM me your answer if you'd like) - what ended up breaking the relationship? I am curious because I feel like we are - as you said - as compatible as two guys could be. Perhaps there are aspects I am not considering, but I could easily spend my life with him... I already have!


Well, it looks a bit difficult to bring this to an "honest" discussion since you two have been "playing" same sex lovers for so long.

What you haven't done is discuss guys having sex with each other and what his view is about that.

What do you want this friendship to evolve into? Think about that carefully before crossing the line to discuss guys having sex with each other. ie Would you ever let another guy give you a blow job? to "I've been thinking lately that it might be kewl for us to sleep together sometime".(leave that vague) Stuff that takes it beyond the "playing gay" which is what I think you two have been doing as a joke ...no longer a joke to you.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

The whole honesty thing is my biggest issue. I can easily make these advances, but get intimidated when it begins to move beyond jest. The few brief occasions it has been serious between us have been heart-melting. While I'd like to be intimate, I'm not sure as to what extent sex would play in our relationship. It isn't a deal breaker for me because I feel like we are an old married couple - that doesn't mean I would be opposed to it!


Not quite sure wot ya mean by this babes.. but I catch ne of my pupils doin' that in class they wud b in deep poo no matter their gender:eek2:.... *laffs*

Haha! Well this occurred in a choir room where our class sat on risers. We always got funny looks from the director, but it was worth it 1000% of the time.


He gave you a perfect opening. He wants you to transfer to his school. Why not tell him you want to come look it over. Ask if he can put you up over night and tell him you don't need special accommodations and you could even sleep with him for the night. If he goes for that idea then go with the flow. If he rejects the idea without a good reason then walk softly. Keep us posted. Take my word, having to sleep over with a friend can turn into a fun filled sleepless night.

The whole school transfer thing worries me. First off, his current roommate is a good mutual friend of ours - staying the night would be unlikely to produce anything significant. I can't be sure if he wants me to go to school with him as his friend, or be with him and live together. My decision to transfer will have to wait until I figure out what the extent of our relationship is.


Kiss him! Smack on the lips, one big long real deliberate kiss!
You'll know for sure how things will go between you within seconds.

You may crash&burn, but at least you'll know, and it's better to get that sorted as soon as you can. You already have feelings for him, so don't wait around!

This would be the easiest way to figure it out, but the hardest to to man-up to actually do. I have had countless opportunities to make this move, but I've never been able to.


Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Even though these thoughts have been building up in the back of my head for years, this is the first time I have sought opinions from others. The general consensus (based on every place I have asked) seems to be that there is something more between us, but it just seems like a totally far-fetched idea. If he is suppressing these feelings, he has done an impeccable job.

[NEPHX]

It seems that there are two distinct camps about being bisexual male (at least - can't speak of females directly). Bisexual is the only orientation that has the word "sex" in it - just an observation). Being gay, str8, bi or whatever is not JUST about sex. It's about intimacy, attractions, etc. So, often, I think, some guys who enjoy sex with a guy are not necessarily feeling or able to feel romantically and emotionally connected to a guy (same-sex just using guy since, well, I am one). Then, there are guys that can be married to a guy or a gal and it's the same thing.

I have observed and read how women can be so much more intimate in their friendships but never get strictly "sexual." It's very common, non-threatening as with guys. At what point that line is crossed could be a personal observation but I would say "sexual arousal" would be it. Understanding that teen males (heck 20s too) get aroused even if the trash truck comes down the street (ie for no reason).

Guys don't seem to form the same kind of bonds (generational and much more common I think in USA these days than in say 70s and 80s). Just, again my observation from working with high school students. They don't seem to have the same social constraints that people might think them less of a man if they show intimate friendships (or are bi or gay).

I have always had deep friendships with other guys that were also cabable in having those kinds of friendships long before I considered being sexual with males. Heck, at first I wasn't sure what being sexual with a guy would mean. I just enjoyed the intimacy. Actually, the first few times I actually met and dated guys that were gay/bi, it scared me to death to think of what would come next sexually. Eventually, I progressed to identifying as bisexual but the "sexual" part was very secondary to the friendship and intimacy part for "me." It's still often difficult for me to find those kinds of guys. Always lots of guys available who want to have sex though..... I think this is a male thing ;).

What you describe is a wonderful and deep friendship. I don't read that you have sexually feelings for him specifically. You say you have feelings for him. It certainly seems that they are something you share in common. He says he loves girls.... You don't mention it about yourself. (I have the same feelings about women so I can relate).

I would tell you that you should do what some have suggested. Either talk to him about it directly or, maybe wait until you are both in that intimacy space and either carefully kiss him and tell him how you feel or ask him if you could kiss him because, that's what you'd like to do. I prefer the second option.

If you wait and do nothing, you could have regrets... if you do express your feelings, the two of you appear so close that I wouldn't expect it to do harm to your friendship. Only you know best. He might need the nudge or, maybe he's posting the same kind of post somewhere or asking for the same advise... and you need him to nudge you. Either way, it would seem a very natural progression.

I think every person and situation is different. You'll never know the outcome until you just do what feel "best" for YOU. I will tell you I regret missing out on so many potentially incredible relationship opportunities in earlier years because I was so worried about reactions. If I had do-overs, I would have probably been happier with the outcomes. That includes men/boys and women/girls. But, I was very different at 21/22 than I was 16-18.... very different.

Go for it.... you too sound awesome. If it just goes a bit further, you gave it a shot. Any guy would be lucky to have you as a friend.