Loss of drive due to confusion?

[macphisto]

Heya all,

I'm new here, have been reading a few posts and you all seem like pretty nice. So, I'd love to put my personal situation to you guys and see what you think.

I'll ask the question first and you can read the details after. Has confusion ever diminished sex drive? Can you go from 90% straight to 0% straight attraction in a few months? Is straight to bisexual to gay a one-way street?

Well, I'm a young(ish) guy, 25, going through alot of stuff at the moment. I was alway aware of an "inkling" towards a bisexual side of me, and was pretty okay with it. I've never done anything but fantasize, but never tried anything, never really felt the urge. I also have never revealed myself for what I am, it's not that I was uncomfortable, it's just that it would make others uncomfortable around me and that would be unfortunate. I'm a pretty social guy and like a straight life, I just do. I was in a pretty fulfilling, loving relationship. Didn't want to ruin it by cheating. Cheating was a big no-no for me - I felt it was the worst thing in the world......

However, things never remain the same :) The worst thing in the world for me - cheating on my partner - didn't actually happen, but it might as well have - she thought I did.

So, I said hey, I'm free - let's explore. I did, but not very much. I was too scared, didn't really like the whole idea of being actively gay, so I said, screw it, find a girl instead.

I did, and she's great. I am falling in love, and she definitely is in love with me. Wahoo!, right?

Only one thing. It ain't happening much for me in the bedroom department at the moment. Twas never a factor before, I had a great sex life, but now it is. And, to be frank, it is mostly worry. I've gotten over much of that now, but the fear of being gay has overtaken my life, to the point of depression. My biggest fear is getting way down the road with the girl and turning around and saying - sorry hon, I'm actually gay, Goodbye. Because I wouldn't want to hurt her, she is wonderful. When things go right, I feel on top of the world. But then, when I'm on my own, there is a feeling that maybe it won't always be and I will hurt her and end up alone :(

Now, I barely even look at girls. But I don't look at guys either. I'm rarely in the mood. Once I get down to kissing and caressing, I'm usually good to go, but the "couldn't look at a girl without imagining sex with her" is gone, however the occasional gay fantasy is still there, but I don't really derive any emotional pleasure from it, just raw sexual, and it ain't that great anyway.

Anyone ever experience this? Is this me turning? Or just idle questioning? How much do people see-saw? Is it pretty late in the day for me to be doing this at 25? Could me questions be any more annoying? :)

Anyway, thanks for listening. And if you reply with sound advice, you're making my day!

[Haemoglobin]

im a bisexual woman so i might not know about gay guys that much , but i think you might be right and you are turning ?
i mean maybe you feel the inner urge to explore your sexlife with guys ? it seems you at least got the fantasy to once have a guy and the sexlife with your woman isnt that good either .

maybe you should give yourself the chance to realize by yourself what you need and want . maybe a relationship right now isnt what you need . in my career as bisexual women i had to "hurt" people as well , but everyone cant be as people expect and would have it . . i mean you gotta care for yourself in the first place . . . if shes a nice and understanding woman , the one you got . . tell her what you feel or you hurt not her but both of you guys ..

thats only my opinion . . but i think you gotta take a break and think about what you wanna do . . and no , its never too late to become bisexual or gay . .though i went through this in puperty . :tong: doesnt really matter , feelings are feelings , , acceptance is a big word , you gotta accept yourself first then you can love someone . . . sounds old fashioned but is may true .. :)

[Rhuth]

I have my own opinions and words of advice, but you really need to talk to Jazzer. Here is a post he put up earlier I think you will find encouraging.

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=123&

Most girls I know get just as turned on at the idea of two guys as most men get turned on by the idea of two women. Not all do. And I have no idea how you would figure out which of us do without asking.

The confusion and panic of trying to figure out how to define yourself does kill any idea of actually having sex for me. Hubby was cheering, doing backflips and imagining two women in his bed, and I just had my head in my hands trying to figure out what I was... and if I was... then what?!? When I finally did figure it all out, there was nothing but enjoyment though. :bigrin:

Good luck!
/Rhuth

[anne27]

I don't thihnk you are 'turning gay', just going through the up and down waves of gender specific passion that a lot of us bisexuals feel. Fear is the biggest buzz kill in the world, so if you are worrying all the time, it makes sense that you are not enjoying your life and your sex life will suffer along with that.

I'm a bi woman, so this is only my thoughts on your problems. BTW, I was 38 when I figured out I was bi, so you're hardly too old to start questioning at 25 *grins*.

Best of luck to you, hon!

[glantern954]

I know guys that have gone "gay" and then back to bi. It sounds like you need more time to find out what is going to make you happy before making a "permanent" commitment.

[arana]

If you are letting this confusion get to you too much and always thinking/wondering about yourself you could be subconsciously sabotaging yourself in the bedroom by it. You shouldn't worry too much about it and just let yourself be you and see where you end up.
I don't think anyone stays 100% the same throughout their life. Things change your points of view, you change, people come and go into your life that cause change...it's a natural progression. So what you feel now may not be what you feel in months or even years from now.

[macphisto]

First of all, you guys are great for replying. I feel very alone in this situation, and the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life is a huge fear for me.

Any time I seem to make some sort of decision, it all flips over for me. If I say, okay, I'm not going to be with a girl any more, I won't have sex tonight, and I put no pressure on myself, then I can easily, I have a great time, and I lie there afterwards with a feeling of real satisifaction, and yes, love. Then, if I start planning on how things are going, saying hmmm maybe a longterm relationship is possible here, I freeze and lose drive - not just for girls mind, for both sexes - any sexual stuff is very far from my mind.

I guess in most things in my life, I view things as black and white. So having this type of sexuality is a curse for me.

Also, I'm not really up for empty sex. I don't think I could go out there and get my rocks off with a guy just to see how it goes. And I've never felt emotionally close enough to a guy to get into that situation.

My present girlfriend is pretty straight-laced. Is telling all this a good idea? If I could get through and process this in my own head without involving her, I would be most happy, but is it possible?

[orpheus_lost]

I can understand how you feel because I went throught the exact same thing when I was around 25. Unfortunately, I was already married by that point and it made things difficult for awhile.

No one here can tell you whether you'll swing back to bi, or straight, or stay only attracted to men - only time will tell you that. I find myself swinging back and forth between mostly straight and mostly gay ever half year or so it seems. It was hard to adjust for quite some time, but now, 13 years later, I quite enjoy the changes and hope they always continue.

I'm no psychologist, but I'd guess that your lack of drive is mostly caused by your discomfort with the recent swing. On the other hand, I wouldn't rule out other causes, either. Maybe getting a checkup wouldn't be a bad idea.

The point is that we're all different and that really is a cool thing. Try to let yourself grow into your new skin and see if you like it. I've met several people who fantasized about same sex encounters to the point of obsession only to find they didn't like the actual event - you might be one. Nothing will make you realize what you really think better than a mouthload of cum. :)

Good luck and if I can be of any help, let me know.

[intuit2]

despite the fact that i've been on this site for a year, this is the first time posting here...I guess i saw a lot of what you're going through in myself (a long time ago). I was attracted to guys since college, but never acted on it until i was 38 (and married). It was not until i told my wife about my attractions to guys that i realized how trapped i have been all my life by myself. I finally broke down and acted on my attractions. While i had been cheating on her, my sex drive for her plummeted...i don't think so much because i wasn't into her...but because i was doing something i felt bad about and it was always on my mind. Once i told her.....it was like a spring had sprung. Only by first acknowledgeing my same sex attractions (that i was bi) and then revealing this to the person who was closest to me, did I realize not only had i been repressing/suppressing my same-sex drives, but at the same time repressing my opposite-sex drives as well. Sex with my wife has been better than ever...I feel so much more free as a sexual being. That nagging question of "am i gay or not," which was always in the back of my mind when i didn't acknowledge my feelings has dissapated...(btw, now i catch myself checking out good looking women as well as good looking men). Who would have figured? I'm not sure what the best thing for you to do would be...but you can't repress one side and expect the other side to be healthy as well. My only regret is that i didn't figure this out when i was 25, like you...but it took me until i was 39. Good luck

[little clown]

Hi

Orpheus_lost is absolutely right. A loss of sex drive can be attributed to many different things. E.g. Fatigue, medication, depression, and yes, constant worrying.

I can understand you're scared, accepting big changes takes time.
But even if it doesn't feel that way right now, you have time!
You're only 25.
There's no need to worry about being alone for the rest of your life.
Barring diseases and accidents, you're likely to have many years ahead of you in which you can get to know yourself, learn to accept yourself and find people to love.

There are lot's of people who are in a relationship who worry about , their ability to remain faithful.
You're on the brink of falling in love with a wonderful girl who loves you back.
It's impossible to look in to the future.
Why worry about what might never happen?
If one day you fall for someone else (woman or man, sexually or otherwise), you'll have to deal with that then.

Right now it makes sense to focus on what's happening in your life at this moment.

Perhaps, it's a good idea not to tell your girlfriend anything until you've figured out where you stand on all this.
When you tell her about your feelings toward men, she's likely to ask you several questions about this.
Obviously, it's difficult to answer those questions when you're not so sure of the answers yourself.

Remember, no one is making you have empty sex.
You are in control of this!

Best wishes,
Dani

[KatieBi]

Hej Mac,

I don't really have a lot of helpful advice one this one, but can say that I've gone through exactly the same kinds of anxiety and loss of drive at the beginnings of some of my relationships. I guess the only thing I've learned is that I definitely experience "bi cycles" where I'm more strongly attracted to one sex or the other, and now that I'm aware of them as pretty "dependable" in their coming and going, I don't worry that I'm really "straight on the (one-way) road to gay" or vice versa. But that took many years of self-observation (only came to the realization that I could be bi when I was around your age).

I definitely agree with Orpheus (I think it was) who said that finally telling my partner, who accepted me as I was, got rid of 95% of this problem (and I, being female, can probably attribute the other 5% to PMS and fear of committment, lol!) - but I realize that this isn't the answer for every relationship/life. It might be a better option to first talk with your partner about your fear in entering a more serious relationship after being hurt so badly by your last one. For me, sometimes just agreeing to "take it slow" is enough to ease the anxiety and performance pressure.

As an old boyfriend told me, none of us can see into the future. Even if you were "100% straight or 100% gay" and madly in love, you could never say today with full certainty that you will feel the same way about your partner in 1, 10, or 100 years. All you can do is be honest about what you feel for your new love right now. And try to relax :) Best of luck!

PS. You know yourself best (and I do think your theory that it's mostly worry is likely correct), but since I have a sister who's a doctor, I feel ethically obliged to also mention at this point that there are lots of medical conditions and medicinces we take for other things that can also affect a person's sex drive.

[jedinudist]

Don't let your fear and worries rule you. They will carry you down a dark path from which some do not return.

It's much easier said than done, however do try to just "let go". Self-discovery will happen at it's own pace. Not ours, not our partners. Attempting to rush or delay it creates incredible amounts of stress, and no matter what your orientation is, and no matter how incredibly attractive the other person in bed with you at the moment is, that stress can put the brakes on your body's desire and/or ability to have sex.

The only advice I can offer to you based on my own experiences, the ones of the people around me, and the information you provided is this:

Relax. Yeah, it can be damned near impossible to do, but it will really, really help. Accept the unknown in so much as you may not be fully aware of your orientation at the moment, you may or may not be straight, bisexual, or gay. No matter what your orientation is or may be, you are still you. And life has too much to enjoy and experience to allow a question that will answer itself to torment you.

Relax :D

We wish you good health and peace.

Blessed Be~

[macphisto]

Thanks folks,

I think a lot of very wise things have been said there. If you have anymore comments, please add them, they are very calming to know.

A big worry is that I'm hurting or going to hurt my girlfriend. When we made love last night, I felt great, though I wasn't initially in the mood. Now I'm worried again that I won't perform or that someday an urge might take me away from her. Maybe I am confusing sexual function problems with sexuality problems - they are difficult to separate though! Would be nice to hear a little from and monogamous people out there?

Funny, I recalled a song I had heard a while ago. It's about Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf, but I guess it's also about messing with forces you don't quite understand, and about what you really want out of life. Has a mixed lesson:



Mother said,
"Straight ahead,"
Not to delay
or be misled.
I should have heeded
Her advice...
But he seemed so nice.

And he showed me things
Many beautiful things,
That I hadn't thought to explore.
They were off my path,
So I never had dared.
I had been so careful,
I never had cared.
And he made me feel excited-
Well, excited and scared.

When he said, "Come in!"
With that sickening grin,
How could I know what was in store?
Once his teeth were bared,
Though, I really got scared-
Well, excited and scared-
But he drew me close
And he swallowed me down,
Down a dark slimy path
Where lie secrets that I never want to know,
And when everything familiar
Seemed to disappear forever,
At the end of the path
Was Granny once again.

So we wait in the dark
Until someone sets us free,
And we're brought into the light,
And we're back at the start.

And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before:
Do not put your faith
In a cape and a hood,
They will not protect you
The way that they should.
And take extra care with starngers,
Even flowers have their dangers.
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.

Now I know:
Don't be scared.
Granny is right,
Just be prepared.

Isn't it nice to know a lot!
And a little bit not...

[Chaia]

I love "Into the Woods", which is what that song is from! I frequently quote the "well, excited and scared" part, because that is how life is much of the time, isn't it? If something is exciting, it may be a little scary, and if something is scary, it is also a little bit exciting. I have been married for 11 years and with the same person for 14. In that time, like others have said, I have experienced swings in who I am more attracted to--women or men. I have found it very confusing, wondering if I am gay, but if I am, why do I like men...you all know how that can be. And in the confusion, my sex drive was often very diminished. So, yes, I know what you mean. My husband knew that I was attracted to women before we got married, but I didn't actually start using the "B" word until more recently. I found that talking with my husband about being bi, finding this website and hearing that other people feel the same way, and talking to a couple of friends who know I am bi has helped me figure out how I feel and who I am and want to be. Everyone is different, so only you know what will help you, but I found that I couldn't figure it all out in my head. I needed to talk things out. There has been advice both ways and only you know your girlfriend, but my advice is to talk to her about this. If she is okay with your bisexuality, then it may help you feel more comfortable with it. And if she is not okay with it, then she may not be the one you need to be with.

[NightHawk]

In a relationship it is a very good thing to both respect the one you love and for the one you love to respect you. If you are bisexual, then it is probably wise to expect the one you love to respect you, which means to respect you sexuality as a central part of you. If your present girlfriend is unable to talk with you about your sexuality, this is a pretty serious shortcoming.

Perhaps you are someone who can love only one person at a time. Many people are this way. Perhaps you can love someone and yet recognize that every woman you might love is not a suitable wife for you.

I still love almost every woman I ever loved and yet few of those women would have been good wives for me. It is important to love the woman you would make your wife, but it is not necessarily sufficient to be in love with a woman to make her your wife. I can understand loving a woman who would be uncomfortable with my being bisexual, but she may not be a good choice for a wife. Of course, this is only something to consider. Your life is too complex for anyone to make such a decision but you. And you are the only one who has to live with the consequences.

I would doubt that you are gay from what you have said. Bisexual or simply straight with an imagination sounds more likely. Just keep thinking about it and give it some time. You are a complex person and many things will become clearer with time, provided that you keep thinking about yourself. The issues of your sexuality are very important, but understanding yourself is a good thing. But part of your confusion may be due to the fact that your sexuality is developing and changing fast enough that it is hard to follow the changes. Our sexuality is not a constant in our lives. Like most aspects of our character, it changes and it develops. This is largely a good thing. Among other things, it helps to keep life interesting.

Your sexuality is a long drink of water. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[DiamondDog]

Don't think of yourself as "gay", "straight", or "bi". Just focus on being yourself and the only label you should use is that you're human.

[citystyleguy]

Heya all,

I'm new here, have been reading a few posts and you all seem like pretty nice. So, I'd love to put my personal situation to you guys and see what you think.

I'll ask the question first and you can read the details after. Has confusion ever diminished sex drive? Can you go from 90% straight to 0% straight attraction in a few months? Is straight to bisexual to gay a one-way street?

hi, to you too; yes, you are traveling a long, difficult, and hard road, but you are young, the world is laid out at your feet, and you have time to come to terms with your questions and wonderlust.

so first off, hell yeah confusion can diminish anything, and as the brain is no. 1 for erotic central, sex is going to file out the door the moment it gets a tad bit cloudy. as to this straight, bi, gay, you are one or the other, and bi-ism (is there such a word?) is its own animal; number one on the confusion scale is this "...if i am with a man, i am gay, and if i am with a women i am straight..." (a women just needs to flip the genders for the same situation). what a load of crap!!! when you like both, search out both, turn your head for both (dependent on the attraction factor) you are BI, not gay! not straight! as to the one way question, i refer you back to the above; hell, bisexual is a two way street, filled with one hell of lot of traffic going both ways 24/7!

Well, I'm a young(ish) guy, 25, going through alot of stuff at the moment. I was alway aware of an "inkling" towards a bisexual side of me, and was pretty okay with it. I've never done anything but fantasize, but never tried anything, never really felt the urge. I also have never revealed myself for what I am, it's not that I was uncomfortable, it's just that it would make others uncomfortable around me and that would be unfortunate. I'm a pretty social guy and like a straight life, I just do. I was in a pretty fulfilling, loving relationship. Didn't want to ruin it by cheating. Cheating was a big no-no for me - I felt it was the worst thing in the world......

However, things never remain the same :) The worst thing in the world for me - cheating on my partner - didn't actually happen, but it might as well have - she thought I did.

one thing for certain, if in any relationship, you must be honest to yourself and your partner, or it aint going to work; if you want to settle this bisexual question, then you will have to do a little exploring, so anyone that you are going to share your life with, must know, must accept (&/or participate, if so inclined), or keep them in the friendship arena.

So, I said hey, I'm free - let's explore. I did, but not very much. I was too scared, didn't really like the whole idea of being actively gay, so I said, screw it, find a girl instead.

you've got to get over this gay thing; look out for other bi-guys not gay-guys, if for nothing else then to be honest to yourself and the other intended partner.

I did, and she's great. I am falling in love, and she definitely is in love with me. Wahoo!, right?

whoa! hold up here, refer to the second response, repeat as many times as necessary, until you come to terms with the context!!!!

Only one thing. It ain't happening much for me in the bedroom department at the moment. Twas never a factor before, I had a great sex life, but now it is. And, to be frank, it is mostly worry. I've gotten over much of that now, but the fear of being gay has overtaken my life, to the point of depression.

WAY TOO MUCH THINKING going on here! STOP! take a breather, a step back and let things cool down.

My biggest fear is getting way down the road with the girl and turning around and saying - sorry hon, I'm actually gay, Goodbye. Because I wouldn't want to hurt her, she is wonderful. When things go right, I feel on top of the world. But then, when I'm on my own, there is a feeling that maybe it won't always be and I will hurt her and end up alone :(

STOP setting yourself up to fail! you have the young mans earnest desire for things to happen NOW; things WILL happen in its time, and not a moment sooner. take things slow, find out where those who are like you hang out, and join in with the fun.

Now, I barely even look at girls. But I don't look at guys either.

WHY THE HELL NOT???!!!

I'm rarely in the mood. Once I get down to kissing and caressing, I'm usually good to go, but the "couldn't look at a girl without imagining sex with her" is gone, however the occasional gay fantasy is still there, but I don't really derive any emotional pleasure from it, just raw sexual, and it ain't that great anyway.

GET OUT, MOVE AROUND, JOIN IN WHERE THOSE LIKE YOU HANG OUT, SHARE GOOD TIMES WITH OTHERS!!!! :three:

Anyone ever experience this? Is this me turning? Or just idle questioning? How much do people see-saw? Is it pretty late in the day for me to be doing this at 25? Could me questions be any more annoying? :)

anyone else thinking these things? see-sawing? hell, just the whole planet! so, you are in good company!!! 25 pretty late in the day!? :rolleyes: you are at the best of times to be experiencing these quandry's; just ask the people at this site should anything be confusing you!

Anyway, thanks for listening. And if you reply with sound advice, you're making my day!

Hope this helps!

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

Im might not be of much help because I am new to the whole bisexual thing myself but I wish you the best of luck in the near future and welcome to the boards!

Livvy

[jazzer]

Hi Mac To thine own self be true. You are bisexual from what you say and and any "performance anxiety" and loss of libido is probably due to the fear that you feel you may be gay.
One thing I wouldn't suggest you do is run around and tell your friends how you feel. It may not be well received. Some people feel threatened by bisexuals.
Just relax, enjoy how you feel about men and women and try and seek out people who share your views. Once you accept your sexuality a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
I lived a very heterosexual lifestyle for 33 years with my wife and loved every minute of it (who knows you may marry and do the same). Sadly it was only after I retired and turned 59 that I started to deal with my feelings I had toward men. Although my wife is very straight she has been very supportive in allowing me to find my way sexually and it has deepened my love for her. :)

[macphisto]

Thanks Jazzer,

I have a big fear of ending up without the life I want, as in a wife and kids. The whole sexual urge to be with a guy never really exists when I am in a satisfying relationship. I maybe thought about it a few times when I was with my last girlfriend, fantasized about it while I was on my own, not with her. Now, I don't really have the urge to be with anyone sexually, as my confidence is a little low. But I do like to express my love for my new girlfiend, and so it becomes difficult for me.

Even looking at any type of porn doesn't do it for me much, apart from transvestite stuff oddly enough. And even then, I don't feel the NEED, I'm just doing it to check if I can be aroused. I don't really enjoy it all that much either. And I used to be big into porn!

As regards telling people, I told only my parents. I had to really, as they could see how depressed I was, uncontrollable tears etc. They wanted to know exactly what was going on so I told them. They were supportive, but I don't think accepting is the word. They just thought I was confused.

It's tough, because sex has become a bit of a chore for me now. I often think a 40days/40nights break would be good for me! But, when I can do it, I love the feeling it brings me and the feeling of closeness that you get after!

Boy, do I hope this clears up :)

[enola]

I am new to this all as much as you but had to reply if only to sympathise as I have never read an account that in places rang so true to my own feelings before. I really want to give you credit for being so articulate about your situation and i hope that that will be the first step to finding your way through.

I've only recently got over the self denial myself (at 23), and then came out to one close friend having continually beaten myself up over being dishonest to the people that mean the most to me. This is what i feel caused the loss of drive for either guys or girls, almost feeling that to crave for one instinct was rejecting another and that in turn somehow meant not fulfilling an idea of being bisexual that I had come out to enjoy freely in the first place.

When it comes down to it though surely you have to allow yourself to enjoy loving one person, be it guy or girl at the moment, so long as you are honest with them and yourself. It seems that the fear of being alone is what is eating you up more than anything, setting in to the depression and causing the lack of drive.

Why is this on your mind so much when you can offer yourself to a loving relationship? - if you can understand those feelings i hope it will turn things around for you. I really have no answers but I'm thinking of you and hope for the best.