Am I bisexual?? Does my spouse suspect it? Is talking to her friends wrong?

[greenthumb95]

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication

[biblkman]

Your not alone !
Many men on this site including myself have dealt with this same issue.

When I told my lady I was bi it was in stages, this approach may soften the blow for her, What I did... ( and this may make it easier to express yourself ) is this.

Like most bi men and myself...have and have sexual dreams about m/m sex, try telling her about a bi dream you have had, don't go into too much detail cause all this is new to her gauge her reaction...if she seems genuinely interested rather than upset proceed with details, if the conversation isn't going well change subjects...after all its just a dream and you can't control what you dream.

If the conversation is going well tell her about other, if any sexual dreams you may have had, if that goes well then start a dialog, some q and a from you and your wife.

But if you are bi and not gay and you really love and want to be with your wife let her know that...reassure her, cause at this point she might be feeling inadequate, self conscious, insecure or even unattractive, let her know you still love and want her and that you being bi isn't because of anything she did or didn't do.


But weather she is or isn't understanding of your sexual identity, she will be upset that you confided in so many people close to her but never confiding her. So you might want to talk to her before someone else does cause if she hears it from multiple people she will be even more upset.

But when you tell her about your sexual identity , explain the fear of her reaction is why you sought advice or even acceptance with others.

Good luck to you.

[jamieknyc]

A word of caution: if you tell people other than your spouse, you had better be very sure that they are people you can trust to keep their mouth shut.

[Al man]

I'm in a similar boat.
such a painful place to be but I try to be positive and self accepting.
i love my family and, ... It's very tricky.
al

[12voltman59]

It does seem to me, along the lines of what Jaime said, that if you are talking to people outside of your marriage on this or any topic for that matter--they begin to talk about what you have said amongst themselves and someone is bound to talk to your wife about what you have said, and for her to hear such a thing from others---and that its a topic of discussion since it seems that the circle of those who you have discussed this gets bigger all the time----it will be an even bigger shock and surprise--plus something for her to get legitimately pissed off about---more for the fact that you were discussing things with "outsiders" that its really not any of their business and you did not mention at all to her----you could be setting up a situation that leads to "a downward sprial" of your relationship with her---not so much for the subject matter, but more that you were talking about such things with others---if you were having severe financial problems---would you go talk to others about it--(other than maybe an accountant for the purposes of finding ways to deal with the situation) and not let your wife know about those problems??

It might be not easy----but my suggestion is that you do find some means and then do so----to discuss this with your wife---SOONER--not later.

Your friends and others are under no obligation to maintain confidentiality in regards to this situation--my feeling is that the only person outside of your relationship with her that it would be ok to talk to on this and who can hopefully offer useful insights, suggestions and strategies in dealing with this---is a therapist of some sort since they must maintain "doctor/patient confidentiality" and they are (or are supposed to be) an objective observer/adviser.

[Noboundaries]

Wow, a very genuine outpouring of self.

First, this desire you have won't go away. You're attempting to deal with it from the edges in a way that can come back and bite you big time. People think love is the cement in a solid marriage. Love is the feeling, trust is the true cement. Your discussions with friends and family members will get back to your wife and seriously erode and damage that trust. As long as she doesn't know what is going on she will fill the informational void with all kinds of negative thoughts that will be far worse than reality.

Second, how solid is your marriage? If it is strong, you have an obligation to your wife to be as completely open as you can, and if your marriage is strong it will survive and possibly thrive when you open to your wife. If it is on rocky ground, you might bring about the inevitable a lot sooner. That's the reward and risk you have to be courageous enought to take.

Most relationships and marriages are built on attraction initially, then grow through emotional/spiritual/intellectual connections plus familiarity built over time. What is created is an image in your mind about your spouse, and one in hers about you, plus the false belief you know everything there is to know about your spouse. Inside each of us though are secrets, most small, some HUGE. Your interest in guys would probably fit in the HUGE area based upon what you've shared. That interest is most likely very counter to the image and belief you've created in your wife about you. You are at a crosssroads GT95. Either forget about the guy interest entirely and stop feeding it with fantasy and site visits, or deal with it openly with your wife, not friends and family.

Finally, I speak from experience, both from a previous career as a drug and alcohol program manager (all human behavior has common foundations), and as someone who shared my bi interests with my wife after ten years of marriage. I loved my wife so much I could not keep any secrets from her and after ten years of marriage I felt I was keeping a HUGE secret; my bisexual experimentation as a teen and my desire to perform oral again on a guy. Unlike you I had never discussed it with any friends but the bi friends I had as a teen had come back into our life. I went to a counselor to deal with the internal crisis but she was worthless and I was out a couple thousand dollars. I decided I had to open up to my wife but first I had to decide if I was ready for any consequence or reaction, including divorce. My wife was also from a very conservative upbringing and I had no idea how she would react. Living with the internal conflict I felt was just not anything I could do long-term. When I felt I could face any response from my wife I said "Honey, we need to talk."

When I explained I had a secret that I needed to share and that I was ready to accept any choice she made after our talk, she fear the worst, that I'd had an affair. I assured her that wasn't the case and then opened up. She wanted to hear about what we did as teens. She said to keep talking and masturbated to about a dozen orgasms while listening to me. I've never felt so unconditionally loved in my entire life. She has been supportive ever since whenever I felt the need to get fulfilled. We've experimented in ways in our relationship that never would have happened without that conversation.

That was my experience. It may not be yours, but it could be. You have to reach the point that you are willing to accept and respect your wife's reaction. Or you keep the secret and possibly create your worst marriage nightmare. Eroded trust in a marriage is just about impossible to restore.

My recommedation, find the courage to open up.

[DiamondDog]

Yes based on what you wrote it does sound as though you're bisexual. Just tell your wife. I would not tell her friends or acquaintances since they will tell her as most people can't keep their mouths shut.

[12voltman59]

The real point of what I was trying to say--and what Noboundaries talked about---is that our partners, spouses, etc can read us pretty good and they can tell when something is up with you and when it comes to relationships--that "maybe he is having an affair." You need to eliminate that concern and issue.

I just really think---as hard and scary as it is to tell her your feelings on this matter----you should really consider doing so. I mean---the reality is---as strongly as you do feel this stuff might be hard on your relationship---it is not going to go away---even if you are successful in "stuffing it away" doing so for years--it just keeps coming back---hell--I am single and tried to deny it to myself and I had to eventually realize it was something real and a part of me and finally deal with it all.

I do wish you luck in this---but if you put some faith and trust in her---you just might find that she will be willing to try to understand this for herself and try to work through it along with you--that does seem to be the case with many on here over the years---we have had many wives who became members here and for a time---were among our prime members that really added a great deal to things.

If you do talk to her---encourage her to consider joining and taking part---just be forewarned---we do have a few jerks who will say some stupid stuff, trying to upset her more and things---that does seem to be par for the course here, but once you realize who those malcontents are---you can deal with them and go on---hanging around here for a time---might do you both some good.

Good luck--have a great holiday season too and welcome.

[ALMOE]

I almost slipped to my mom today.

[greenthumb95]

Yes, i agree with all of you. It has come back to bite me, as several female friends of hers/ours know. A couple we used to be friends with who moved away, the husband will not talk to me .Not sure if he is weirded out by it, as his wife heard rumors about my issue and asked me about it. I explained a tad, but not everything.

We have sort of talked about it. However, it was over facebook and text. The basic gist I got from it was that as long as i dont want to leave her for a man, she doesnt want to make a big deal out of it, or discuss it.

I know im not gay. I mean, I love women, always have..especially my wife. I just hate how intense the urges are at times to do sexual acts with hot guys.

I know i should not have spoken to so many female friends and family members, but to be honest..its hard not to. But, like i said..i know i shouldnt.





The real point of what I was trying to say--and what Noboundaries talked about---is that our partners, spouses, etc can read us pretty good and they can tell when something is up with you and when it comes to relationships--that "maybe he is having an affair." You need to eliminate that concern and issue.

I just really think---as hard and scary as it is to tell her your feelings on this matter----you should really consider doing so. I mean---the reality is---as strongly as you do feel this stuff might be hard on your relationship---it is not going to go away---even if you are successful in "stuffing it away" doing so for years--it just keeps coming back---hell--I am single and tried to deny it to myself and I had to eventually realize it was something real and a part of me and finally deal with it all.

I do wish you luck in this---but if you put some faith and trust in her---you just might find that she will be willing to try to understand this for herself and try to work through it along with you--that does seem to be the case with many on here over the years---we have had many wives who became members here and for a time---were among our prime members that really added a great deal to things.

If you do talk to her---encourage her to consider joining and taking part---just be forewarned---we do have a few jerks who will say some stupid stuff, trying to upset her more and things---that does seem to be par for the course here, but once you realize who those malcontents are---you can deal with them and go on---hanging around here for a time---might do you both some good.

Good luck--have a great holiday season too and welcome.

[N23orMore]

Have you considered introducing her to a 3some. If she was a part of it and is enjoying it she might look forward to watching you or joining in. Two of the 3 main women in my life have all engaged in 3somes with me and they sure enjoyed the attention they got. The 3rd is ready and has gone so far as to name her dildos and pretends they are guys I have been with in the past. We are trying to find (as we call him) #3 for our 3some. I think she is really up for watching and helping me suck him off and enjoy the fun of 2 guys taking her every way we can. She even talks about the two of us double penetrating her or him taking me from behind while I eat or enter her. She is starting to realize all of the benefits that she could have. We joined a swinger's club but have not done anything with an other couples or guys. We just go and have a good time and get really turned on with being watched by the others there or watching them.
It was a real scary thing when I finally told her how I enjoyed sucking a cock and having sex with a guy. I had hinted about the 3somes I had with the other women in my life and finally came out and told her. Now we can talk about most anything and her fantasies are running wild. She is definitely ready once we find the right #3. Hopefully you might be able to interest your wife to the possibility and let her start noting the guys she might be interested in while you walk through the stores and such. This way you get an idea of the type of guy she might be interested in and eventually you might have the chance either with someone you already know or someone the two of you might meet. If you could join a swingers club you could at least enjoy the atmosphere whether you hooked up with anyone or not. Might just get her juices flowing at the prospect. My girlfriend is looking forward to as she calls it) being the Dicktator and telling us what she wants us to do to each other and to her. :-)

[jeff5813]

I think you should act on your urge and see if the experience lives up to the fantasy. Then you can make the proper decision.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Why should you be talking to her friends about it when you Should be talking to your Lady First and foremost? She's the one you need to confide in and come out to, not people who have no business knowing your personal business. Talk to the Lady First, Hon. Then tell the friends if you think they absolutely need to know.
Shes gunna be hurt if she finds out you chose to talk to friends first over her...Think about it....Just sayin'.
Cat