Bigirlandbiboy
Oct 31, 2012, 6:45 AM
I posted this in my blog and got some really good advice, but I was wondering what the general opinion was on this issue.
First off, I am female and consider myself to be a bisexual, so when my boyfriend told me he was bisexual at first I was thrilled. I hardly have really been able to talk about my sexuality to anybody else and sharing stories was exciting.
However, once he discovered i'd only slept with one girl, I could sense him withdrawing. He first told me he'd never slept with a guy. Then later when we were drunk he told me he'd sucked off a few guys but not slept with any of them. I've now known him over a year and It's now been 8 months since we've been seeing each other, we live together and i thought things were good and that I knew him.
Last night however, we got fairly messy and he just told me everything about gay sex he'd ever experienced. Basically the things that scared me were that he'd lost count of how many (protected) sexual encounters he'd had with guys and that he used to go to this dark club where you had anonymous sex with strangers and where had sex with "at least 20 people a night". He also told me that he used to have gay sex every two weeks, and the last time he'd had sex with a guy, he'd sprinted away from his friends on one of their birthdays into the same gay club because he was too horny. That was a year ago.
So now I'm wondering if I can cope with this, and I'm worried that he's going to get really messed up one night and crack, and just end up at that club. And what's worse he'll feel so ashamed and guilty that he wont tell me forever, which will feel infinately worse. I'd REALLY appreciate any advice!
Long Duck Dong
Oct 31, 2012, 8:39 AM
honestly I am curious about why he is acting the way he is..... I am refering not so much to the sex with other guys, but the way he did it, as it comes across as more of a impulse reaction / response rather than a sexual interest and desire.....
one of the mistakes that people can make is the assumption that cos they are bisexual and their partners are bisexual, each other will understand the wants, needs and desires of the other person and as you are seeing, thats not always the case, as there is sexuality and then there is sexual interaction and expression......
his actions read to me as somebody that is acting in a impulsive and spontaneous way and that is different to a person that has a sexual desire and interest...... some people get attracted by the feelings, the sensations, the energy rush inside rather than the actual sex itself.....
you can try talking with him about the way he has acted and felt in the past with what he has done and learn more about how he sees things....and I am not talking about the people he has been with.... but the why he has expressed himself that way.... what drives him, what does he seek, what cravings does he experience.....
I quess in a way, what I am saying, is that its possible to open up the doors for you and him in your relationship and encompass his past a lot easier, by finding out what drives him and if you both can do that, then it strengthens the relationship.... just talking and giving him permission to go to the club, may not be the best way of handling the situation as nothing is really resolved, you are still left dealing with your internal struggle but if a door is opened that enables him to say to you that he is finding that he is craving action at the club again, you both have the opportunity to work thru the issues and lessen the impact on you both......
sometimes a person is not able to talk about themselves and their past actions, because they lack the words to explain themselves and what they think / feel....talking about his past and his actions is easier than talking about what happens to him that pushes him to go there..... lol think about this, when have you talked with your partner about what you felt with the lady you were with, not the sex, but how you felt in side, what impulses and thoughts went thru your head and what you wanted to feel.....
my sister IDed as a bisexual, later a lesbian.... and she admitted to me that she did not feel attracted to males, she liked their company as friends and she very much enjoyed aggressive, intensive, non affectionate sex which she could not find with females but with males she could....her last partner was a female that was very skilled at balancing out my sisters desires and turning my sister into the * victim / slave * that my sister craved as part of her sexual interests and so my sister mentioned to me after a few months with her partner, that there was nil interest in guys, she was still attracted to them as friends tho.....
a lot of talking in relationships with bisexual people, is not about getting and giving permission, its about learning about partners, what they seek, desire, crave and need and how we as partners, can provide the same type of fulfillment for our partners as we may seek for ourselves.... and its cos its not always about a cock in our mouths or anal sex, it can be so much more for some people.....
ask yourself, if you wanted just to be stripped naked and ravaged passionately by multiple people and * used * for sex, how would you explain that to a partner in a way that tells them that its not really about the sex, its the feeling of being owned, submitting, the feeling of being dominated and *controlled *, used for the sexual pleasure of others..... and when you can answer that, try talking with your partner and things may become a lot clearer and make more sense
Gearbox
Oct 31, 2012, 12:23 PM
So now I'm wondering if I can cope with this, and I'm worried that he's going to get really messed up one night and crack, and just end up at that club.
Messed up and crack? Don't you mean "Get horny and go have sex"?:tongue:
Your partner doesn't have a 'condition'. By the sounds of it, he just likes sex. That's a perfectly healthy and natural liking to have. If your ok with him having sex with others then alls well. Believe me, the number of sexual partners he's had is not unusual. Neither is his reluctance to be open about his m-m encounters.
Males are conditioned to NOT speak about their m-m desires from an early age, and it's to your credit that he feels comfortable being open to you now. You seem a very loving and comfortable person to be with.
But he has probably made out to you that his sexual appetite is something that he has no control over. That he can't help it etc. That's probably because you told him that you've had just the one same sex partner. It's his way of trying to downplay the importance of sex to him, so that you don't feel less important to him.
If you realy do want him to be honest and open to you, don't buy into the guilt! He had lots of sex because it was lots of fun, and men are just as easy to have sex with as it is to 'do it yourself'. If you communicate that you view that as a problem, you'll cut yourself out of any future m-m sex exeriences he'll have.
Remember that your sexual appetite is no measure of his. Neither of you needs to conform to a 'norm'.
Bigirlandbiboy
Nov 1, 2012, 7:50 PM
Thanks guys these comments have really helped. We had a massive talk and we agreed to hold off on inviting anyone else into the bedroom, or having our own encounters with other people for at least another 6 months.
In the mean time, we're figuring out ways (like the first comment said) of replicating what each other like in m-m and f-f sex. I know that we both really get into it despite it not being quite the same, but I was wondering if you guys had any tips or tricks we could try? Open to all suggestions :)