are you a bi male or a female in a relationship with a bi male....please help

[justsomegirl]

I am going to try to make this short and sweet and honest. I will do my best to be as accurate as possible. I am a bisexual female and the truth is I PREFER sex with a male and ENJOY sex with a female. So whats my issue, i have met and fallen in love with a BISEXUAL man. We are engaged and have a wedding coming up in April. And I am so confused. He tries very hard to minimize his bisexuality. I am sure you know someone who does gay stuff and minimizes by saying things like as long as your pitching and not catching its not gay. Well he sort of does that. I know his family would NEVER accept him being with a man and although I KNOW HE LOVES ME, there is a part of me that thinks he is in a straight relationship because his family would never accept anything else. Unfortunately he has lied about this issue for a long time, minimizing and avoiding the elephant in the room. Well he has finally accepted and admitted he is NOT bisexual to an extent , he a bisexual PERIOD. So i know what a double standard this is and i know you will want to tell me that, but I just dont know if I can be in a relationship with a bisexual man. I know I am bisexual also but I know I prefer sex with men and will be just fine not being with women anymore because I am in a long term relationship but even if he says he feels the same way the truth is I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW HE REALLY FEELS. He knows i am scared and he knows I am right on the edge of walking away so he is going to say ANYTHING to get me to stay and unfortunately words said in desperation cannot be trusted. So what do I do.....he isnt going to tell me he misses sex with men and thinks about it and needs it. I will find that out when I catch him cheating and CHEATING IS NOT SOMETHING THATS NEGOTIABLE FOR ME. If he cheats on me we are done I dont care how long we have been together or how many kids we have (we dont have any kids at this point) if he cheats we are done, there is no therapy no counseling no nothing. I will forgive him but I will do it in divorce court. So if you are a bisexual male in a relationship with a woman or you are a woman in a relationship with a bisexual male please any advice you can offer me would be great......p.s. before you say I should embrace it and join him and have threesomes and foursomes and ect ect that is NOT me and I am pretty sure if I was to take that route our relationship would be over before the sun rises.

[welickit]

The majority of the members here are cheating husbands. Keep that in mind as you read the replies. Look at the person behind the reply and take it for what they are worth in your mind. Based on what you have said, we would say walk away now. If he can't ease your doubts, sure as hell nobody here can.

[justsomegirl]

i will make sure I keep that in mind, this is very hard simply because I love him more then I have ever loved anyone and he really is a wonderful friend and man and thank you for your response

[falcondfw]

The majority of the members here are cheating husbands. Keep that in mind as you read the replies. Look at the person behind the reply and take it for what they are worth in your mind. Based on what you have said, we would say walk away now. If he can't ease your doubts, sure as hell nobody here can.

Really. Really? REALLY!!! So you know everybody here and know who is cheating and who is not. Your statement alone makes you someone to avoid. Don't ever ASSUME, because you know what that makes you.

To the Op, justsomegirl.
You are in a very difficult situation.
First, let me say I am not saying you should jump into 3somes or 4somes with him. I am not telling you to enjoy watching him with another guy or woman.
But, for a bi lady, to be honest, it seems what you will accept is extremely limited. And ... just a little selfish. It is ok for you to have sex with another woman, but not ok for your bisexual fiance to have sex with another man? Ok. not a little selfish and narrow. A LOT selfish and narrow.
But hey, you will accept what you will accept. If you know what you will accept and what you won't, sit down and talk to him. Be totally honest.
If he is willing to suppress what he wants for you, doesn't that tell you how much he loves you?
You are assuming the only way he will have sex with a man is by cheating. Again, see my advice above on what assuming means.
He may be able to completely suppress what he wants for the entire time you two are married. Maybe even for life. How do you know what he can or cannot do?
Do you love him or not? If you love him, you love ALL of him. If not, end it now. period. It's that simple. You are not married. There are no kids. There is no alimony or child support. Now is the time. If you can't love all of him, even though he is willing to cage part of himself for however long he needs to, then end it now. But more importantly, if you cannot communicate with him and trust those communications, end it now whether you believe he can suppress himself or not. Because that means any problems you guys have, you will not trust him and you will not communicate with him. Whether that problem is money or family or religion or whatever.

[tenni]

I am a single bisexual man. I do not cheat but nor do I presently promise monogamy with anyone. I believe that I may one day agree to restrict my sexual activity to one of each gender but not both genders. In other words not monogamy but perhaps a closed loop arrangement. Why would I want to suppress my attraction to both genders? This entire thread is about you really and not about your fiancé. You need to accept that you have biphobia and in particular you fear bisexual men. You do not seem to accept bisexuality in men. You are not alone as it seems there are bisexual women with this unresolved double standard.

Although some see bisexuality as an attraction to both men and women, bisexuals who suppress their sexual attractions will be unhappy and possibly unhealthy. You write that for yourself you see yourself as bisexual but do not see yourself as wanting sex with a woman if you are in a relationship with a man. Your attraction to women at the present moment is mild and you believe that you will not be strongly sexually/emotionally attracted to another woman enough to want to also be with that woman and your future husband. Sexuality especially for bisexuals is fluid. You can not predict that in five years your sexual attraction for a woman will be too strong to resist.

It might be best for you to come to terms with your own bisexuality and be less rigid restricting others. Deal with your own fears after you explore them a bit more. You are using words like "prefer" and "enjoy" to distinguish your sexual attraction to men and women. What are you going to do when/if you begin to sexually "prefer" women for a period of your life? Are you going to suppress your preference in discussions with your future husband (even if it is not this fellow)? Why not keep an open dialogue going with any partner acknowledging and accepting that you may both have sexual attractions to same sex? I suspect that you are young and have not dealt with your own homophobia/biphobic fears. Learn to accept that sexual attraction is not necessarily connected to emotional love for bisexuals and other aspects of bisexuality.

[DuckiesDarling]

I am going to try to make this short and sweet and honest. I will do my best to be as accurate as possible. I am a bisexual female and the truth is I PREFER sex with a male and ENJOY sex with a female. So whats my issue, i have met and fallen in love with a BISEXUAL man. We are engaged and have a wedding coming up in April. And I am so confused. He tries very hard to minimize his bisexuality. I am sure you know someone who does gay stuff and minimizes by saying things like as long as your pitching and not catching its not gay. Well he sort of does that. I know his family would NEVER accept him being with a man and although I KNOW HE LOVES ME, there is a part of me that thinks he is in a straight relationship because his family would never accept anything else. Unfortunately he has lied about this issue for a long time, minimizing and avoiding the elephant in the room. Well he has finally accepted and admitted he is NOT bisexual to an extent , he a bisexual PERIOD. So i know what a double standard this is and i know you will want to tell me that, but I just dont know if I can be in a relationship with a bisexual man. I know I am bisexual also but I know I prefer sex with men and will be just fine not being with women anymore because I am in a long term relationship but even if he says he feels the same way the truth is I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW HE REALLY FEELS. He knows i am scared and he knows I am right on the edge of walking away so he is going to say ANYTHING to get me to stay and unfortunately words said in desperation cannot be trusted. So what do I do.....he isnt going to tell me he misses sex with men and thinks about it and needs it. I will find that out when I catch him cheating and CHEATING IS NOT SOMETHING THATS NEGOTIABLE FOR ME. If he cheats on me we are done I dont care how long we have been together or how many kids we have (we dont have any kids at this point) if he cheats we are done, there is no therapy no counseling no nothing. I will forgive him but I will do it in divorce court. So if you are a bisexual male in a relationship with a woman or you are a woman in a relationship with a bisexual male please any advice you can offer me would be great......p.s. before you say I should embrace it and join him and have threesomes and foursomes and ect ect that is NOT me and I am pretty sure if I was to take that route our relationship would be over before the sun rises.

I'm a female in a relationship with a bisexual male. My simple advice is at this point.. don't get married. You have obvious trust issues and that is going to be magnified if you actually get married. You need to figure out exactly what this relationship is to you both, talk to him and with him and listen to what he says. Don't put him in a position of saying whatever to keep you because in the long run you do both of yourselves a great disservice. There is no reason to think that a bisexual male will cheat, there are plenty out there that are monogamous with their partners but you need to relax a bit and not stress over what hasn't happened or I predict it will happen. So slow down, there is plenty of time to go further if you both decide it is what is best for you, but right now.. don't get married. You simply aren't ready for it, never mind him being ready, you aren't.

[Long Duck Dong]

there are a few points of your post that I am curious about and I would like it if you could clarify a few things for me....

1) you talk about if he cheats, your understanding of yourself and your own needs... and how 3somes and 4somes are not on the menu in regards to yourself..... but I was wondering if you can share a lil more about your views on your partner having casual partners of the same sex occasionally as you are a lil vague on that aspect....

2) it sounds like you have made numerous attempts to clear the air between you both and your post indicates that he is trying to sidestep the issue a lot...but I am curious how much open and honest communication has been done and how much one sided talking has been done.... because the impression I get from your post, is that you are seeking answers and its possible that he is saying what you want him to say and he is not really addressing the issues that need to be talked about like how his bisexuality affects him.....

3) do you want to be in a relationship that has a open door option for him with terms that you both agree on ? and a marriage as well or are you not able to handle that type of relationship and marriage..... some bisexuals can not handle it and others can, its a grey area for each person and sometimes we do not know the answers until we walk the path......

4) is counselling a option for you both... you say you love him and I assume he loves you as well..... so counselling can be a way to clear the air and talk thru issues with help from a 3rd party without having to come to any agreements on what can or can not happen in the relationship / marriage.... that can still be something that you and your partner work thru together......but counselling can help with the communication between you both and help you both with getting what you need to say, out a lot better, simpler and clearer without so much of the confusion, concern and arguing that can happen when people get worked up too much.....

sometimes things in relationships hit a wall and that is why a lot of people struggle and things turn into a quagmire ... its not so much that they will not talk about things, its that they do not know how to talk about things or express themselves very well so they try to avoid the issues and that only creates more issues.......and that is a more common issue in relationships than people realise..... so it may be worth looking at the counselling as a help for you both with the communication skills and then with working through the bisexual aspect and what that can mean for the relationship and marriage.......

I do hope that you both are able to come to a understanding that works in the best interests of both parties, rather than a marriage that ends up in a messy, angry divorce......scars on the heart can take years to heal if at all... and it can make it harder to love again because of the scars.....

[justsomegirl]

Dear Falcondfw,
Thank you for your response and for taking the time to write as much as you did. Let me first say I should have made myself clear because NEVER do I think its ok for me to sleep with another woman but not ok for him to sleep with another man. I DO NOT have sex with other women because I am in a committed relationship I just know for me SUPPRESSING my urges is just not that hard because as stated I prefer sex with men but enjoy sex with women, I know that because i am talking about myself. I dont know how he feels and its the SUPPRESSING and CAGING his feelings that concerns me most. I know he loves me enough to TRY to do that but I guess there is a part of me that thinks if you have to suppress what you want to be with someone maybe you shouldnt be with that person. In a way I think its not fair to him to have to do that, he should be with someone who completely ACCEPTS and embraces his sexuality not fears it. Thank you again for your response

[DiamondDog]

Just because a man is bisexual that does not mean that he's somehow not capable of being monogamous or that a monogamous relationship between a bisexual man and a hetero or bisexual woman, or gay or bisexual man somehow won't work or can't work. I've been in open and monogamous relationships with both men and women and it's up to you to decide which one works for you or how you want your relationship with this guy to be. Keep talking to this guy and don't always be on the defensive and think that he's going to cheat on you or will, that you're going to get a divorce or get revenge in divorce court, or that you automatically can't trust him since he's bisexual.

[SEX_DREAMS]

Sounds like deep down inside you will miss being with women.I guess i dont get why anyone gets involved with a bi male or female then cant handle it.Its not like you did not know what you were getting into.He's not in a straight relationship if you are bi.I think the trust issue is more about you than him.Either you love and accept him for who he is or you dont.Sounds like he accepted you for you.

[by~his~side]

JSG, quick reply here as I don't have much time.
I'm a semi straight female (:rolleyes:) forever partnered to a bi sexual man. I did not know he was bisexual until after we were together for several years.
In short, I have no issues with his wanting sex with men. I have embraced, participated, and enjoyed it. I am 100% positive that one of the key
reasons that this has worked for us is because of the ultra fabulous men that we have had the privilege of meeting. They have all been from this site
and I smile as I say they have become dear and treasured friends. I smile wider as think of the ways it has been beneficial to our sex life together as a couple.

My point....if I had known my *husband* wanted to participate in a bisexual lifestyle before we became serious as couple and IF I had issue with it...I would not have continued in the realtionship. To deny him (or anyone) the chance to live a genuine life...fulfilled..well, I'd sacrifice my own happiness to be sure that that person had the chance to be happy.
JSG, you already have your doubts. You already have reservations. A relationship with the bisexual component tossed in there can be difficult at times. To start out on a weak foundation isn't adding strength to the situation.
I wish you luck....
XO
~D~

[Blue-Dragon69]

whos to say you wont cheat if you both cant trust each other then break it of or ask straght out him an him to you if theres any ? then stop an move on with your lifes dont make it any worse than what it is if any kids are involed then it makes it hard on them jaust as much as it dose u 2 an if u 2 make it though this an have kids an some thing happends do not put the kids in the middle ever ever happe bliss 2 u both in what ever comes of this .

[NotAChoice]

I am a bisexual man. When I was married (to a woman) I was monogamous and did not cheat on her with a man or a woman. We eventually got divorced, but it had nothing to do with sex - our sex life was great.

You can't just assume that a bi guy is gonna cheat. Straight men cheat as well. It's about the person, not just about their sexuality

You clearly have a lot of fear going on. Some of it might not even be about his bisexuality but about trusting that a husband won't hurt you. Notice how a lot of your post is about the future. It's about him. Not about you. The way to handle fear is to look at yourself and your fear, not just him. If you keep your attention off yourself, you won't be able to get a handle on your fear.

Talk to your fiancee.

Talk to him calmly. State your fear. Don't dump it on him. See how he reacts. Work this out WITH him within the relationship - not outside of it. However you decide to go - it will be far, far better for both of you, if you go through this process within the context of the relationship.

If you don't include him in this process, you are missing a wonderful opportunity to heal the fear.

Good luck and God bless.

[tenni]

As far as the issue of cheating is concerned, you both have told each other that you are bisexual. Many reports of bisexuals cheating come from non disclosure issues and fear of rejection. As NotAChoice states there may be fear issues for both of you? You both have a chance of honestly and on going discussions about your bisexual needs/desires. I'm inclined to think that you are half way there at preventing "cheating". Keep the dialogue open, honest, non judgmental and you both will be aware of each others thoughts and feelings.

[jk1983]

Wow that is a sticky situation you're in, no pun intended lol. I'm mostly gay myself and I haven't been with any women but I like reading the stuff on these forums anway.

I kind of feel sorry for bisexual men in a way because they have these desires for both sexes and so many of them seem to not want to live without one or the other no matter if they're married or in a serious relationship. Some of them seem to be hiding under the mask of bisexuality to please other people so they won't be seen as completely gay. I understand your concerns and I think the best thing to do is to ask him and then gauge for yourself if he's telling the truth. Ask if he's gonna need to have sex with men even if he's married to you.

[Wynlvr1]

Don't get married. Right now you love him dearly(!) but not all of him. Once that love settles down, the part him you do not love (bisexuality) is going to drive you and subsequently him crazy. "Cheating" is not a bi trait. Even family value, right wing conservative Republicans have been known to cheat ;-) yours is a trust issue and a non-acceptance issue.

BTW I am a bi male in a wonderful relationship with a bi woman. I got divorced from "the love of my life" due to the exact same reason you are questioning. Although I never cheated, she never believed me and forever saw demons in the shadows and never stopped accusing me. Now I have an honest committed relationship and those threesomes and foresomes are awesome for us both, and I don't have to watch my every word everytime we go out.

Don't get married feeling the way you do. Either truly resolve your emotions or do both of you a favor and don't get married. This issue is yours to resolve. Asking him, then passive-aggressively forcing him to lie and deny himself will only mean you will pull those "promises" out in the future to beat him over the head with them. Recipe for a messy break-up and years of denial and sadness.....

[tenni]

Interesting. The OP joined Oct. 21 and posted this thread. The last time that she was on this site was Oct. 22.

[bi4asplay]

I fully agree with Darling and full think that welickit is full of it. There are many more "couples" here that are cheating husbands than cheating husbands claiming to be single. Even though my profile says I do not play with guys alone, I have been hit on be a ton of cheaters. I have found that of the 50 or so " couples" one actually was. I also agree that you can not expect more that you are willing to give. You know the whole goose and gander bit? I also noticed that she(?) was on for one day.

[curioscoupleinmich]

Honestly it is a VERY hard spot that you find yourself in. As the female part of a bi couple , I can tell you this if there are trust issues it will never work.
Don't assume he will cheat, but if you can not accept that he wants to experience sex with another man with you as part of it or without you then you should walkaway.
No matter how much you LOVE him IF you can't LOVE all of him and that includes him being attracted to men then the relationship would NEVER work out.

To me it sounds as if you have some double standard issues regardless of if you prefer sex with men you stated you enjoy sex with women as well and yet you are unwilling to budge on him having sex with a man.