Married Bi guy needs some serious advice

[Aransis]

First of all I know it is impossible to get the exact picture of a "situation" coming from only one person and without knowing the full deal but here goes...

I am 41 male Bi and married for the past two years. My wife and I have been together for the past 4.5 years. When we started dating I told her I was Bi and that I wanted to have an occaisonal tryst with a man. She is also Bi and agreed with a few conditions. However, prior to the agreement we had a single disasterous experience with another couple in which my wife became insanely jealous. That ended and we have not done anything other than exhibitionism since. The agreement is .. 1). We meet another Bi couple and both of us "play" safely and together and any sex would be same gender with the other couple. 2). No swapping with the opposite sex. 3). Worst case scenario where we are unable to find a couple we both agree on then as a last resort we could find a single guy or girl for us respectively. That agreement was 3.5 years ago. Before we were married.

Since that time my wife has seemd to become rather possesive and even more jealous. If at any point I so much as look at another guy and have any sort of eye widening or the like she gets very pissy and irritated. A few times she has straight up called me gay for anything I may have said or done that indicated I was attracted to a particular guy. Being called gay is not an offensive term to me but coming from her in that way I take it very derogatory. I am a 2 on the "scale" and really only want a guy once in a great while. I easily could be satisfied with a few times a year. Over the past few years it seems as though she has done a sort of "bait and switch" on me. Any time I bring up a potential couple she always finds a problem with them. Or an excuse why we should not pursue even a conversation with them. She agreed before marriage that she would participate but always shoots it down. There have been a few couples come along that were drop dead smoking hot. Both of them. Her response..she's not my type. (actually they were her type from my experience with her.) I have asked her a few times if she preferes she can find the couple. She says she will and then crickets... She does however stay on track with trying to get pregnant and makes literally everything a priority over me wanting to live as who I am. I am to say the least frustrated. I love her and don't at all want to cheat on her or go behind her back. I feel like she is trying or hoping I will forget about being Bi and just want to be up her ass all the time. Well I do sometimes but I want a guys touch once in a while. She knew that and now I feel like I am screwed. I honestly don't think she is gonna be able to take seeing me with another man.

Any suggestions anyone may have for me I would greatly appreciate it. Has anyone else been in this situation where the spouse knew in advance but changed their tune? Help!!

[falcondfw]

First of all I know it is impossible to get the exact picture of a "situation" coming from only one person and without knowing the full deal but here goes...

I am 41 male Bi and married for the past two years. My wife and I have been together for the past 4.5 years. When we started dating I told her I was Bi and that I wanted to have an occaisonal tryst with a man. She is also Bi and agreed with a few conditions. However, prior to the agreement we had a single disasterous experience with another couple in which my wife became insanely jealous. That ended and we have not done anything other than exhibitionism since. The agreement is .. 1). We meet another Bi couple and both of us "play" safely and together and any sex would be same gender with the other couple. 2). No swapping with the opposite sex. 3). Worst case scenario where we are unable to find a couple we both agree on then as a last resort we could find a single guy or girl for us respectively. That agreement was 3.5 years ago. Before we were married.

Since that time my wife has seemd to become rather possesive and even more jealous. If at any point I so much as look at another guy and have any sort of eye widening or the like she gets very pissy and irritated. A few times she has straight up called me gay for anything I may have said or done that indicated I was attracted to a particular guy. Being called gay is not an offensive term to me but coming from her in that way I take it very derogatory. I am a 2 on the "scale" and really only want a guy once in a great while. I easily could be satisfied with a few times a year. Over the past few years it seems as though she has done a sort of "bait and switch" on me. Any time I bring up a potential couple she always finds a problem with them. Or an excuse why we should not pursue even a conversation with them. She agreed before marriage that she would participate but always shoots it down. There have been a few couples come along that were drop dead smoking hot. Both of them. Her response..she's not my type. (actually they were her type from my experience with her.) I have asked her a few times if she preferes she can find the couple. She says she will and then crickets... She does however stay on track with trying to get pregnant and makes literally everything a priority over me wanting to live as who I am. I am to say the least frustrated. I love her and don't at all want to cheat on her or go behind her back. I feel like she is trying or hoping I will forget about being Bi and just want to be up her ass all the time. Well I do sometimes but I want a guys touch once in a while. She knew that and now I feel like I am screwed. I honestly don't think she is gonna be able to take seeing me with another man.

Any suggestions anyone may have for me I would greatly appreciate it. Has anyone else been in this situation where the spouse knew in advance but changed their tune? Help!!

Wow. VERY difficult situation. I don't know the two of you, but it seems your wife lied when she said she was ok with things.
I think, honestly, that the 2 of you need serious counseling to re-establish that bond of trust and communication. Maybe a third party would help you see the ways of compromise and understanding in your situation.
I really don't know what to advise, other than what I have. Communication and trust and honesty is so important in ANY relationship. Once that is gone, it is so hard to re-establish, in any relationship.
Good luck to both of you and please keep us informed. We only wish the best for you both.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok for a start, I would suggest you stop focusing on your lack of sex with other people and listen to your wife.....

something has upset and affected her and that is what you should be looking at, not the hot couples that you are trying to get into the bedroom

1/ instead of telling us that your wife got jealous, how about finding out WHY she is jealous, what made her jealous, why is she reacting the way she is....

2/ the agreement you made, is not made out of cast iron and stay in stone, ANY partner has the right to withdraw from a agreement on the aspects that pertain to them, so if she is not interested in sleeping with other people, thats her right to say no to it..... the aspects that pertain to your rights and choices, are a different matter...

3/ she is bisexual, but being bisexual doesn't mean that she will be ok with her partner being with others in front of her, and its very bloody possible that she saw something that completely changed her understanding of what you want and what the agreement entailed.... and being bisexual doesn't automatically mean that she is going to be ok with everything.....

seriously, you need to stop worrying so much about the fact that you are not getting to have sex with couples, and focus on your wife and your marriage.... repair that, resolve the issues, save the marriage and then worry about your sex life or you may well end up in a sexless marriage that is hostile and could result in divorce because you are too busy blaming your wife for the things that you are unhappy about, rather than working with your wife to resolve the issues and forge a new agreement

[bigdandlittlec]

Wow...that is tough. Are you sure she's bi? And okay that you are? And by bi I don't mean that's she's had a few situations on the fly and thought "that was cool." I ask that because she reminds me a lot of my sister. My sis is considered one of the hottest open people in the world. But when sober or not "in that mode," she is a jealous hellion that is tough for anyone to deal with. My sister is also a pleaser. I've watched her say yes to a lot of things because the idea is hot...but not the reality. She and I joking refer to her as BAR-sexual...she'll please anyone after a couple of cocktails, but I've never seen a more jealous woman. Not indicating that your wife is a drinker...but in general, people oft like the idea of something more than the reality of it. People often want to "play" when they want to, never giving thought to their partners needs. This happens a lot with women. They wanna play when they wanna play.
The way it sounds tho, is that she's not as on board as she indicated. As someone who was once married for almost 20 years, I can only tell you this: If you have a strong aspect about yourself that partially defines you, you should never have to hide it. We should all have the right ro be ourselves. IN EVERY WAY. No one ever believes me, but I promise there is a partner out there for every single one of our "isms."
Humans tend to lock onto a person and try to force a square peg to fit into a triangle hole. Really, that's the function of man. We feel that every relationship that doesn't work is a failure, instead of looking at it as a lesson. I say have a heart to heart and try to get her to tell the truth about how she feels. And you can't judge her during this time either. Dont ask her for the truth and then express your disappointment.
What's more important to you?: Her faking something to make you happy? Or her respectfully telling you that she's not as interested as she once thought. Remember, she has the right to say, "I thought the idea was cool, but not in reality." And you have to let her tell the truth. Then you each part ways and find the CORRECT partners. OR--she may say she LOVES the idea, but needs some guidelines. You definitely have the right to meet your personal needs/desires. So does she. If it seems she's not interested, you need to find out why. She's either not interested or she needs some guidelines and some dialogue.
You're right...a perspective is one person's opinion. If what your say is true...I'm thinking she initially was telling you what she thought you wanted to hear. That's how it sounds based on your post.
I guess for me...I look at the fact that my husband is bi. I truly think it's incredibly hot. When he says he thinks some guy is cute or "yeah, I'd do him," I'm blown away--like really? That's so hot. I may not find the person hot at all but I'm seriously aroused that he is trusts me enough to share what he's thinking. I can't imagine him sharing something so personal, then shutting him down. Confuses me.
I hate seeing people not being allowed to be themselves, so I TRULY wish you the best.

[bigdandlittlec]

Long Duck Dong (love the handle, btw)---50% of me completely agrees with you and 50% of me completely disagrees. Respectfully (because I appreciate the thought that went into your post), I have this to say:

>>something has upset and affected her and that is what you should be looking at, not the hot couples that you are trying to get into the bedroom<<

I think the very truth that he's posted his issue here shows that he IS concerned with his wife. What he's saying tho is that he shared something VERY personal, then she pretended all was well, so they progressed in the relationship and it's kind of like she said, "Hahaha---just kidding." And he's wondering what to do. It's not that he just wants to get laid. But that he did the right thing by being open and direct and now it may have bit him in the ass.

>>the agreement you made, is not made out of cast iron and stay in stone, ANY partner has the right to withdraw from a agreement<<

This is true and I couldn't agree more. But it sounds to me that rather than stating this, she is stirring the pot. Rather than saying, "Maybe I'm not as in to this as I thoguht," she is critical and cold. This is a pretty standard female reaction. We find other things to critisize rather than tell what's really bothering us. She def has the right at any time, despite a previous agreement, to change her mind. But playing head games is wrong. That's where she loses. She should just say it like it is. But considering she lied about her acceptance to begin with,I dont see why she would be direct now.

>>she is bisexual, but being bisexual doesn't mean that she will be ok with her partner being with others in front of her<<

I'll be honest, I don't think she's bisexual. She sounds confused. As a woman, the situation I've read here is actually more common than just a girl looking for a boy and wanting to find a lifemate. It's def more common for a woman to say what she THINKS you want to hear, then become emotionally attached and not want to let the person go. Women nod a lot during the dating period. It's when she's comfortable in the relationship that she starts stating how she really feels. She does this because she knows it's safe to do so without the chance of losing the guy. THAT'S when you see the REAL her. She shouldn't be bashed for it. That's the way of society as we've grown it.
I guess I'm annoyed because this guy built a relationship based on what he was told. Once they were in the mix, he was told something different. Not fair.

>>and focus on your wife and your marriage.... repair that, resolve the issues, save the marriage and then worry about your sex life<<

This makes no sense to me because if your sexuality is part of who you are, then it is what it is. If you are bi and she knows that but rejects it, then what is there to repair. Thats like meeting someone who tells you that he HAS TO have a candy bar every night before bed...then saying you're cool with that, then building a relationship and then when he thinks everything is great, telling him that you're discusted by anyone that wants a candybar before bed. In simple terms, he's thinking...this is something I shared in the begining...And now that you have my heart, it repulses you??? It's a common manipulative move that most women use. And most women don't even realize they're doing it. I don't care if it's sucking cock or loving pasta. She shouldnt have reassured him sexually then used that very thing to control him.
Just my opinion. This isn't about sex. Tha'st the big misconception people miss. This has NOTHING to do with sex. It could be having children, liking pasta, worshiping football, or loving musicals. It is WRONG to tell someone you like something just to tell him what he needs to hear, then change your mind once he's in your palm.

You're right, everyone has the right to say no at any given time. But going from one OPEN extreme to nada screams of a woman saying/doing what she thinks she has to in order to land a man. Now this guy is landed and confused because he did the right thing by being open and, like I said before, it must feel like it bit him in the ass, especially if he has feelings for her. Sounds to me like he's looking for a solution...which is something she prob should be doing after pretending to be in a role she's really not comfortable with.

I can say this...bisexuality is the new black. Hell, my 14 y/o has "bisexual friends." Really??? Long before this, when I talked to female friends (and grown females are worse than boys in the locker room--we tell all!), it turns out that 80-90 percent of women claim they're bi because they think men think that's hot. They think that because they're aroused by lebian porn, they must be gay. Sexuality can b confusing. Stating you're in for something when you're dating, then retracting it when you have that ring on your finger is just wrong. Women also say they love sucking cock when they're trying to get a man. And we all know the ongoing joke that once she's married, that changes. It's not a joke. Most women DON'T like swalling cum, but they say they do in the beginning...because it's hot. This seems no different than what our friend is expressing here.

[The Black Knights]

Long Duck Dong (love the handle, btw)---50% of me completely agrees with you and 50% of me completely disagrees. Respectfully (because I appreciate the thought that went into your post), I have this to say:

>>something has upset and affected her and that is what you should be looking at, not the hot couples that you are trying to get into the bedroom<<

I think the very truth that he's posted his issue here shows that he IS concerned with his wife. What he's saying tho is that he shared something VERY personal, then she pretended all was well, so they progressed in the relationship and it's kind of like she said, "Hahaha---just kidding." And he's wondering what to do. It's not that he just wants to get laid. But that he did the right thing by being open and direct and now it may have bit him in the ass.

>>the agreement you made, is not made out of cast iron and stay in stone, ANY partner has the right to withdraw from a agreement<<

This is true and I couldn't agree more. But it sounds to me that rather than stating this, she is stirring the pot. Rather than saying, "Maybe I'm not as in to this as I thoguht," she is critical and cold. This is a pretty standard female reaction. We find other things to critisize rather than tell what's really bothering us. She def has the right at any time, despite a previous agreement, to change her mind. But playing head games is wrong. That's where she loses. She should just say it like it is. But considering she lied about her acceptance to begin with,I dont see why she would be direct now.

>>she is bisexual, but being bisexual doesn't mean that she will be ok with her partner being with others in front of her<<

I'll be honest, I don't think she's bisexual. She sounds confused. As a woman, the situation I've read here is actually more common than just a girl looking for a boy and wanting to find a lifemate. It's def more common for a woman to say what she THINKS you want to hear, then become emotionally attached and not want to let the person go. Women nod a lot during the dating period. It's when she's comfortable in the relationship that she starts stating how she really feels. She does this because she knows it's safe to do so without the chance of losing the guy. THAT'S when you see the REAL her. She shouldn't be bashed for it. That's the way of society as we've grown it.
I guess I'm annoyed because this guy built a relationship based on what he was told. Once they were in the mix, he was told something different. Not fair.

>>and focus on your wife and your marriage.... repair that, resolve the issues, save the marriage and then worry about your sex life<<

This makes no sense to me because if your sexuality is part of who you are, then it is what it is. If you are bi and she knows that but rejects it, then what is there to repair. Thats like meeting someone who tells you that he HAS TO have a candy bar every night before bed...then saying you're cool with that, then building a relationship and then when he thinks everything is great, telling him that you're discusted by anyone that wants a candybar before bed. In simple terms, he's thinking...this is something I shared in the begining...And now that you have my heart, it repulses you??? It's a common manipulative move that most women use. And most women don't even realize they're doing it. I don't care if it's sucking cock or loving pasta. She shouldnt have reassured him sexually then used that very thing to control him.
Just my opinion. This isn't about sex. Tha'st the big misconception people miss. This has NOTHING to do with sex. It could be having children, liking pasta, worshiping football, or loving musicals. It is WRONG to tell someone you like something just to tell him what he needs to hear, then change your mind once he's in your palm.

You're right, everyone has the right to say no at any given time. But going from one OPEN extreme to nada screams of a woman saying/doing what she thinks she has to in order to land a man. Now this guy is landed and confused because he did the right thing by being open and, like I said before, it must feel like it bit him in the ass, especially if he has feelings for her. Sounds to me like he's looking for a solution...which is something she prob should be doing after pretending to be in a role she's really not comfortable with.

I can say this...bisexuality is the new black. Hell, my 14 y/o has "bisexual friends." Really??? Long before this, when I talked to female friends (and grown females are worse than boys in the locker room--we tell all!), it turns out that 80-90 percent of women claim they're bi because they think men think that's hot. They think that because they're aroused by lebian porn, they must be gay. Sexuality can b confusing. Stating you're in for something when you're dating, then retracting it when you have that ring on your finger is just wrong. Women also say they love sucking cock when they're trying to get a man. And we all know the ongoing joke that once she's married, that changes. It's not a joke. Most women DON'T like swalling cum, but they say they do in the beginning...because it's hot. This seems no different than what our friend is expressing here.

I agree with all of this. I feel sorry for the guy, and to an extent, I have been there. I have been in past relationships where my girlfriend/SO was seriously homophobic. These ladies was nice to folk, was always nice to lesbian or bisexual ladies in her work that she encountered, but talked really badly about them at home with me. No, they did not know about my bisexuality, which was not as important to me then (I was a bit younger and dumber then). Family came first, but I really didn't like how two-faced these ladies were, not even bringing sex into it. But I held my tongue. In my current relationship, my lady is bi and her closest family knows about such and are cool with it. They (nor my family and friends) do not know about my bisexuality, because I choose not to discuss it, plus revealing such could negatively impact my lady's job (and maybe mine too). We are older and protect our privacy very closely (okay, I always have, but you get the idea). But we can discuss our bisexuality openly (excluding the specifics of what we did with past lovers) and that of others. We both have gay and bi friends and it is refreshing for me.
This gentleman has a serious problem. His spouse might have been bi (-friendly) at one time, and she must have some level of acceptance of his bisexuality or she would have never married him. He went with that. Apparently, she has either lied to him about such, or her mindset has changed for some reason. She may have said (and/or did) whatever she felt she had to do to win his heart. Once the ring has gone on, she may now feel she can be her true self. If that is so, that is a sad thing. Honestly, bisexual women do not seek out bisexual men for a serious relationship, much less marriage very often. With that said, if she is getting THAT jealous of him having OCCASIONAL sex with another man, especially in her presence, when she supposedly may want to do the same with another woman at some point tells me that she is either is: 1) not truly bi 2) not truly accepting of his bisexuality (or maybe even her own) 3) is just a insanely jealous person when it comes to her man or 4) some combination of some or all of the above.
Without hearing her side of the story, it makes it hard to advise you. Having been there myself, here is what I would do:
1. Get counseling NOW. Find a counselor to talk to you two together fast. But make sure this is a counselor who works with and/or specializes with gay/lesbian/transgender/bisexual issues. You cannot afford to use a counselor who may have moral or personal issues with lesbians and/or bisexuals, etc....
2. Convince her to talk to you about her issues honestly and completely far from the bedroom. If she refuses to do so and/or go to counseling, with or without you, that may tell you what you have to do. Let us hope it does not come to that.
3. Do not cheat on her. You did not say how your sex life with her is one on one, other than you are trying to conceive a child. That alone puts a lot of pressure on you both. If you are not having fun doing such and/or it feels like a mundane task, then that is another major issue for where counseling is needed. Trust me, I have dealt with that more than once. That alone will destroy a relationship. If you are BOTH having fun, that may be a good sign, maybe hope.
4. Lastly, communication means everything, in and out of the bedroom, when it is only you two, or others are involved too. IF that is non-existent, which it sounds like it is, then...you have issues. Jealousy alone can destroy a relationship, without anything else. If she won't help in trying to repair things, then you will have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. Sex with others has to take a back seat, if you want your relationship to survive, and hopefully thrive.

[tenni]

This constant telling bisexuals to think about their partner first and not their own needs as bisexuals wears very thin and phobic on a bisexual site. It is little help for sexual bisexuals. I agree with bigandlittle that our bisexuality is about who we are. We should find a way to live our life in a happy and satisfying manner.

In this case I agree with the other advice by Black Knight. Jealousy and possessiveness are about that person's issues more than the relationship and bisexuality. Certainly it creates problems in the relationship but it will surface in ways other than the OP's bisexuality imo. Counselling may help with a qualified counsellor who is experienced with bisexual issues.

[Gearbox]

You might find this thread helpfull - http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?13230-Managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships&highlight=

[rickoyler1969]

Seems like the best thing to do is get out of the relationship, she lied from the get go.

[welickit]

We will go back to your very first sentence. You are right, we are only hearing one side of the story. Why post at all? Obviously there is a geat deal more to the story.

[DuckiesDarling]

Okay, my two cents... those that don't have partners need to just shut the fuck up on the partner threads. You obviously have failed in your own relationships so you don't need to be trying to sabotage someone else's. So keep the lid on the bias if you feel you must post do not slam the partner when you are basically slamming the bisexual male for choosing the partner.

Now, reading the OP...it appears she was fine with it til you actually did something with the first couple. I have to question exactly what happened. You need to go back and reexamine it, were you supposed to be with the guy and wound up with the girl.. her girl? Maybe she just couldn't handle what she thought she could but I see no reason why you both can't go out on your own.

I agree with needing to communicate, there appear to be some deep seated issues that until you resolve will always keep cropping up in this marriage whether it's about sexuality or hanging out the laundry. Welcome to the site and good luck.

[Aransis]

Thanks DD for the post. The original disaster event was before we had an agreement on what our rules were. Basically everyone touched everyone. Since that event we have made our rules which I like. I have no desire to touch another woman. Just a guy once in a while. Recently she has said that touching a guy is no different than touching a girl. I was born a night but not last night so I called bullshit on that but still wish to do the right thing while at the same time live as myself. LDD replied and showed his anger issues to all of us. Perhaps I have those same feelings as well deep inside that need to be dealt with. Again thanks to all for the posts and I do agree that it is easy for a single member to say get out. I am invested in my marriage and want it to work. I am a bisexual male and want it to work. Nuff said. Thanks again!

[tenni]

"Okay, my two cents... those that don't have partners need to just shut the fuck up on the partner threads."

..you really need better meds.

Following the above logic..those who are heterosexual, asexual etc. need to stfu on any thread for sexual bisexuals. Those who cheated on their husbands and while married had mock internet marriage ceremony to another man need to stfu about any marriage situation. Those who do not have one on one in person contact for more than a year are not in a real partnership..It coiuld go on but glass houses are easy to shatter.

.Those of us who are sexual bisexuals and have loved may continue discussing whatever we want since heteros and asexuals seem to think that they may comment on anything.

[DuckiesDarling]

"Okay, my two cents... those that don't have partners need to just shut the fuck up on the partner threads."

..you really need better meds.

Following the above logic..those who are heterosexual, asexual etc. need to stfu on any thread for sexual bisexuals. Those who cheated on their husbands and while married had mock internet marriage ceremony to another man need to stfu about any marriage situation. Those who do not have one on one in person contact for more than a year are not in a real partnership..It coiuld go on but glass houses are easy to shatter.

.Those of us who are sexual bisexuals and have loved may continue discussing whatever we want.

Tenni, you are back on ignore and may you never be removed you are the worst sort of person I have ever encountered in my life. You have to devalue everyone to try and make yourself feel better. . And I'll save you the trouble... don't even bother trying to throw Rule 2 at me since you just violated it to hell and back with your attack on me and my partner and our relationship.

[Long Duck Dong]

anger issues ??? nope......its actually more to do with the fact that I take marriage, relationships and partners very seriously as without partners, we do not have relationships or marriages......and my stance is often the same with most people, focus on fixing the issues within the marriage as best as possible, it can take a lil sacrifice for a time in order to do that...so you have to decide how much you are going to sacrifice in order to save the marriage, same for your partner.. and thats not suggesting that you give up sex with other guys cos you are already sacrificing that at the moment.... but that you may have to put it on the back burner a lil longer while you and your wife work at the marriage and finding a new compromise that opens up the door for you again......

your post told me all I need to know about your state of mind regarding your marriage and your partner..... so lets see if we can help you and ya wife to get things sorted....

you posted that your partner doesn't see touching a girl as any difference to touching a guy, that single statement tells me a lot more than much of what you have posted, because it may give a insight into what the issue may be, and she is using a black / white point of view of things... and that can make things a lot simpler to get a rough idea of what is going on in her head as its not as complicated as a raindow colored reasoning......

you have not mentioned if she is open to talking about things, it appears like she will address things by the simplest road, such as saying yes to a agreement but then putting blocks up when any opportunity comes up.... that indicates that its a personal issue within her and not so much your actions, behievour or thinking....but if you can get her to talk and open up, it may help you get a better insight into what is going on in her head.....

if I was to hazard a guess I keep coming back to your partner struggling with issues such as marriage and the idea of what marriage is about however her reactions and behievour point to deeper issues.... and while counselling is good, there is a lot that you both can do together without going to a counselor and a lot of it is actually just talking but its talking about the past, her relationships etc..... and you are looking for a pattern of behievour that indicates that shes been screwed over in some ways..... the more work you both can do together, the better that counselling can work as it gives the counselling more to work with and it makes it easier for them to give you both options and areas that can need to be looked at and worked on....

there is another aspect tho, and that comes from you mentioning that she is trying to get pregnant..... it is possible that she has some concerns and worries about not getting pregnant, maybe she doesn't have any kids and is worried that this may be her last chance, I do not know and as its a personal aspect of your relationship, I will leave that for you and her to talk about.....

good on you for calling BS, sometimes the blunt and direct stance works as a way of pushing a person to rethink their answer if they are avoiding talking about things and if they rethink the answer, they can often end up revealing things more clearer and giving you a *open door * into the issues....

you know your wife better than we do and how best the communication between you both may go....

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Tenni, is there ANY time that you and DD can keep from tearing each other apart on someone's damn thread??? That remark was Really uncalled for, and very immature.

**Following the above logic..those who are heterosexual, asexual etc. need to stfu on any thread for sexual bisexuals. ** and **..you really need better meds.**



You arent lending any aid to the OP, nor are you doing anything but making yourself look like a bigger ass in front of new folks than you already Are.
Cat

[littlerayofsunshine]

"Okay, my two cents... those that don't have partners need to just shut the fuck up on the partner threads."

..you really need better meds.

Following the above logic..those who are heterosexual, asexual etc. need to stfu on any thread for sexual bisexuals. Those who cheated on their husbands and while married had mock internet marriage ceremony to another man need to stfu about any marriage situation. Those who do not have one on one in person contact for more than a year are not in a real partnership..It coiuld go on but glass houses are easy to shatter.

.Those of us who are sexual bisexuals and have loved may continue discussing whatever we want since heteros and asexuals seem to think that they may comment on anything.


Tenni,


Sincerely you need to refrain from making issue with individuals medical conditions and their relation to their individual posts. Just because someone takes meds for what ever particular reason (IN DD'S CASE IT'S FOR A FUCKING HEART CONDITION! INSENSITIVE MUCH?) You tried to do that shit with me and it didn't fly then, doesn't fly now. Look at it this way. Most individuals in your age range are on meds for one reason or another. Usually cholesterol, heart and DICK FUNCTION. So cut the shit out. Stick with the OP's and Stop pulling on your hard-on you have for LDD and DD in public cause its embarrassing.

To the OP:


Her change of feelings may have been unintentional. Sometimes an individual doesn't know what they are capable or incapable of until they are in the situation. So I don't completely fault her per se. Would have to see how the communication followed through.

It's not abnormal for someone to few any outside sex as infidelity. No matter the gender. Bisexual are attracted/turned to other people regardless of gender. So why would you expect a separation between "MSM" and opposite sex encounters?

Having been married and in a double bisexual marriage (we're both bi) for almost 13 years now. 4 years is young and still within that time frame that insecurities and "how do we fit together" are still prevalent. She wants a family with you. That has to mean something in regards to her love for you. More than half of marriages end before the 7th year these days and it's not easy to move beyond that point without tons of discussions and mutual understanding. I would suggest at this point... communication, communication (and I guess you could guess what I would say next *winky face* . Sometimes when we are in the grip of our desires, things seem more dire than they actually are. And I am not just putting that all on you, it could be her also and her desire to have a family with just you. That's when everyone should step back and go "Whoa, hear me out" and the other listen and then take turns doing the same. Its a tough situation, but doesn't have to end negatively. I respect your wishes to make this work. Do what you can, while you can. and She has to do her part also. It's great that you have come here and felt safe enough to vent. Maybe one day you can introduce her to this site and she can see that its not always the "OMG" she imagines in her head and partners are just normal people wanting the same things, Just in a different realm of life, and that's to be loved and be happy.


Good luck to you both.

It won't always be easy, but if both are willing to be considerate and understanding, something will be "Do-able" for the two of you.

[darkeyes]

This constant telling bisexuals to think about their partner first and not their own needs as bisexuals wears very thin and phobic on a bisexual site. It is little help for sexual bisexuals. I agree with bigandlittle that our bisexuality is about who we are. We should find a way to live our life in a happy and satisfying manner.

In this case I agree with the other advice by Black Knight. Jealousy and possessiveness are about that person's issues more than the relationship and bisexuality. Certainly it creates problems in the relationship but it will surface in ways other than the OP's bisexuality imo. Counselling may help with a qualified counsellor who is experienced with bisexual issues.One of the great things, tenni, about having a partner and being in love with that partner, is that generally we put the needs of our partner before our own..this is often difficult, especially in matters sexual, and it is not always the monogamous telling bisexuals their needs as bisexuals it is bisexuals telling everyone their needs and fuck everyone else. the constant sniping about the monogamous monosexuals being a bunch of sad shits gets wearing too... and attitudes such as yours is a primary reason why monosexuals are often so critical of bisexuals... the perception u want it all.. the cake and sod everyone else.. it is an inaccurate perception inasmuch as monosexuals are every bit as likely to be little different and bisexuals are as likely to want fidelity and monogamy as those of other sexualities, yet people who argue such as u perpetuate that perception in the minds of those who are straight or gay and do ur cause no good whatsoever.

People are people no matter their sexuality and have different needs and wants and views of how they wish to be. Bisexuals are not a special case.. each of us as individuals are a special case for we are unique and we want our lives to pan out in ways we want them to.. everything u say seems to say bisexuals have no right to surrender their right to monogamy and settle with one partner... they owe it to themselves and their fellow bisexuals not to agree ever to fidelity and monogamy.. u may not mean it as I outline it, but that is consistently what u seem to say.. and human beings are just not like that... some will live happily monogamously whatever their sexuality.. some will come to regret their monogamy.. some will enter a monogamous relationship with no intention whatever of staying faithful to partner.. some will enter an open relationship and wish for monogamy.. and there are other permutations of how people are and how they wish to live their lives. And no matter the sexuality of each of us we are just as likely to prefer or to live or to develop in any or even all of these permutations over time as any of any other sexuality.. bisexuals are not a special case.. and its about time they realised it.. they are human beings with the failings and strengths which human beings are likely to have.

To the OP Ray has the right of it... but we are human make mistakes all our lives we come to regret and people react in different ways at such times.. sometimes honestly sometimes not.. communication has to be kept going and who knows what comes of it? If the communication dries up then it's time to fear the worst...

PS I don't want to, but feel I must say something about this latest spat between tenni and darlin' darlin'... it seems tenni is the one copping all the flak.. I would just point out that it was not he who began the shooting in this instance and if his words to DD were insensitive and crass they were in response to words which were also pretty crass and no less an attack on tenni's life as a man with no partner as his was an attack on DD and LDD's relationship...

[DuckiesDarling]

Amazing... a generic comment that could apply to at least three people in this thread and I'm accused of having a go at someone.. No thanks. I will not accept the blame. He stays on ignore and a few more might join him soon. Hugs my favorite pussy and my little ray of sunshine, but he will never learn. He will backpedal and claim he didn't mean it.. too late it was posted it was quoted. I just pray people don't start quoting him all over the forum so I don't have to see any more of his comments ever again.

[csrakate]

Okay, my two cents... those that don't have partners need to just shut the fuck up on the partner threads. You obviously have failed in your own relationships so you don't need to be trying to sabotage someone else's. So keep the lid on the bias if you feel you must post do not slam the partner when you are basically slamming the bisexual male for choosing the partner.


Actually it was very inappropriate for you to attempt to silence the single members of this forum, DD. You don't know the details of their relationship status nor do you know for a fact that THEY destroyed their relationship. For you to negate their opinions was very rude.

As for your deal with tenni, you chastise him for editing his posts....I do believe you did the same. It seems the comment in post number 14 where you told him his art sucked and his life sucked has magically disappeared. Glass houses, DD.....be very careful when you throw those stones. They may come back to hit you.

[Gearbox]

One of the great things, tenni, about having a partner and being in love with that partner, is that generally we put the needs of our partner before our own..this is often difficult, especially in matters sexual, and it is not always the monogamous telling bisexuals their needs as bisexuals it is bisexuals telling everyone their needs and fuck everyone else. the constant sniping about the monogamous monosexuals being a bunch of sad shits gets wearing too... and attitudes such as yours is a primary reason why monosexuals are often so critical of bisexuals... the perception u want it all.. the cake and sod everyone else.. it is an inaccurate perception inasmuch as monosexuals are every bit as likely to be little different and bisexuals are as likely to want fidelity and monogamy as those of other sexualities, yet people who argue such as u perpetuate that perception in the minds of those who are straight or gay and do ur cause no good whatsoever.
The OP's gf's motives for monogamy are obviously Jealousy and possesiveness. Yes that is sad. It's not good in any way at all, not for the gf or the bf. The OP giving into her jealousy would not be putting his partner before himself. It would be a failure for him and her as the jealousy would be a more important part of the relationship than either of them.
Far too much thought is put into sex these days, and not nearly enough put into sorting our heads out. Jealousy shoud have been left in the nursery. It's crazy, it's insane! We all know this, so lets not pretend that ALL monog partners are in love and put each others needs first, when we know that's bolox. For many it's a case of putting their jealousy, possesivenes and insecurities first and subjecting that onto their partners.
Nice monogs are lovely tho.lol

Okay, my two cents... those that don't have partners need to just shut the fuck up on the partner threads. You obviously have failed in your own relationships so you don't need to be trying to sabotage someone else's. So keep the lid on the bias if you feel you must post do not slam the partner when you are basically slamming the bisexual male for choosing the partner.
That wasn't nice at all. Your begging us single folk to judge what makes your relationship so succsesfull that it qualifies you to post on partners threads. It would all turn Jerry Springer before we know it.:bigrin:

[darkeyes]

Nice monogs are lovely tho.lol

Mine is tyvm... :bigrin:.. and I pretend nothing, but whether in love or no we just cant run rough shod over a partner's feelings... somewhere down the line we both sacrifice for our partner and have sacrifices made for us.. what these are and how we do that is something we should be adult and mature enough to sort.. and while I agree with u in part about jealousy, those who would prefer to be other than monogamous equally are often as selfish, insensitive and uncaring of their partners wants as any possessive monogamous person... it is a 2 way street, Gear...

[tenni]

littleray
I'd suggest that you examine the posts more carefully and you may notice a "change" in this poster to very bitter attacks on other posters than myself and now this hetero wants all bisexuals not presently partnered to stfu. Whether meds or other factors are causing such caustic random personal attacks on several posters this behaviour should have come to your attention by now. It seems not and you find it appropriate that this hetero wants bisexuals to stfu on a bisexual site.

Cat
Bigger ass? my my...sticks and stones from glass houses. You seem to defend and support the strangest concepts as well.

[Gearbox]

Mine is tyvm... :bigrin:.. and I pretend nothing, but whether in love or no we just cant run rough shod over a partner's feelings... somewhere down the line we both sacrifice for our partner and have sacrifices made for us.. what these are and how we do that is something we should be adult and mature enough to sort.. and while I agree with u in part about jealousy, those who would prefer to be other than monogamous equally are often as selfish, insensitive and uncaring of their partners wants as any possessive monogamous person... it is a 2 way street, Gear...
But it's not a two way street. We either go with love or fear. Never both! Can't be done! Without fear all this agro about sex, and nonsense about sacrifice wouldn't exist. What exactly is loved AFTER a sacrifice that couldn't be loved before it?
Masturbating is selfish.lol Having sex with someone is very far from it. It's only deemed selfish by somebody who wishes to lable it as selfish (monog partner). That way they get to exscuse their jealousy by inventing a crime. The jealousy never gets examined that way, coz ALL attention is on the crimes of the antagoniser.

I'm talking about jealousy motivated monogs btw!:kay:

[darkeyes]

Masturbating is luffly....:impleased It is a two way street Gear whether u like it or not... actually more like an 8 lane motorway with peeps chopping and changing with no central reservation to stop them turning round and going in opposite direction.. it is how human beings are.. I have often been accused of living in cloud cuckooland cos of my view of the world whereas I know we have a long way to go b4 we get near 2 my ideal of it.. similarly with sexuality... such is the complexity of human beings and so ingrained are many of our attitudes it will b a long time b4 we lose the jealousies and possessiveness which most of our species has... we live the world as it is and try to make it how we would like it... and part of the journey is driving often haphazardly all over that motorway and sometimes all of us change direction in 1 way or t'otha.. dealing with that is the problem we all have

[littlerayofsunshine]

This constant telling bisexuals to think about their partner first and not their own needs as bisexuals wears very thin and phobic on a bisexual site. It is little help for sexual bisexuals.


littleray
I'd suggest that you examine the posts more carefully and you may notice a "change" in this poster to very bitter attacks on other posters than myself and now this hetero wants all bisexuals not presently partnered to stfu. Whether meds or other factors are causing such caustic random personal attacks on several posters this behaviour should have come to your attention by now. It seems not and you find it appropriate that this hetero wants bisexuals to stfu on a bisexual site.


The first part of my posts is making notice if your slight against DD and LDD. Your term of sexual bisexuals? That was your slight against LDD and his Asexuality.This is your usual form of attack at them, If you do not like how they play back with you then stop tossing the ball in their court. Just because you choose to use "Some posters", "That poster" "A Poster" makes it no less of an attack on them when we who have been here long enough have seen your ax and how you grind it. They learned their method by their teacher (you).

There are some things that should be off limits. Medical issues as a tool of attack is one of them. Children ect. among the others.

Its easy enough to search your posting history as extensive as it is and see the attacks made on them and how has been done.

I honestly wish you all 3 would put each other on ignore cause I don't like to get my shoes dirty from the puddles left on the floor after the pissing matches. I like my shoes and rather can't stand the old piss n vinegar smell that is left behind.

Someone saying to think about their partner/spouse's feelings in no way is Phobic. Abusing/misusing words waters down the meaning and they begin to lose their relevancy.

Anywho, Wasting my breath (fingers) explaining anyway and a good fingering is a terrible thing to waste.

[Gearbox]

Lets take a pitstop.lol We all know jealousy isn't good, so lets all dump it. Simple and plain as that.:) Well the decission to dump it is simpler than actualy achieving it.lol
But its 99999999 times better than not deciding to dump it.
What many monog do is cover it up, skip over it and often flat out deny that it exists in them. They invent a 'Wrong'/law, and create 'cheaters'/offenders. Would be nice if they supported each other in dealing with it instead of trying to control the word around them though.
We are not jealous because we are Human. We just have the capacity to love & fear. Quit fearing! Everybody stop it!:tongue:

[darkeyes]

We are not jealous because we are Human. We just have the capacity to love & fear. Quit fearing! Everybody stop it!:tongue:
A lot is because we are human.. how much we can't say... much is religion and society and simple jealousy.. just as a lot of killing happens because we are human and a ot of other things... they wont always... none of it has to be.. but they are for now...

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Good luck in your situation, Aransis. I hope it turns out for the best for you and your Lady.
Cat,
Underdog defender..:}