Bisexual? Kinky? Straight? Does my wife think I like men?

[greenthumb95]

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.

Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.

[Gearbox]

You can't get a guarantee of how your wife will react to hearing how you'd like some cock fun. But you CAN guarantee that you'll be in this 'Limbo' state untill you do something about it.
Sounds like she has a good idea that your not quite straight already, so she won't be very shocked. She's most probably (as indicated to you bluntly) waiting for you to be honest with HER. Not her friends, your friends etc....but HER!lol

Pick your moment! When you feel you've had enough of this 'Limbo' just get it out of your system by telling her. What happens then is a mystery to us all.
Your other options are:
1. Cheat and find out if you realy like cock.
2. Keep quiet and deny yourself till you die or divorce.
3. Call me on this No 08956....:rolleyes:

[tenni]

You are going to find a lot of posters here tell you to be honest with your wife reagardless of the consequences should she react negatively. I know lots of men who are in your position or have been. It is difficult to tell whether you will like m2m sex but all of your fantasies are indicating this. I know many men who "tried it" to make sure. I don't know too many who tried it and didn't like it. They decided that it wasn't for them.

Since you have been telling others and testing the waters or clear your own mind on this matter out of fear of your wife's reaction, it is more than not gotten back to her or may. She suspects things. It is best for you to introduce her to the difference between bisexual and gay. You may be unsure of that yourself. She probably doesn't understand bisexuality at all from what you wrote. Find a few significant points to educate her on or be prepared to help her understand that you do still love her. You are not rejecting her.

At least one guy that I know did eventually tell his wife. There was anger and after many months there was acceptance. Acceptance for me means, that the partner give permission with some ground rules for you to try m2m sex. She seems to be far from that position based on what you wrote.

Take it slow. Hopefully, you are able to not try it first but I wouldn't be surprised if you do try m2m sex without telling her. If you do try it without telling her do it only once. Then begin the campaign of educating her without crossing the line again.

Good luck to you.

[sterculius]

I wish that I could be completely honest with my wife in regard to my oral obsession. The closest I've come was to admit to her that as a teenager I used to love giving blowjobs to my best friend almost every day after we got home from school. She attributed this to early adolescent sexual experimentation which in a way it was. She doesn't know that I'm still an insatiable cocksucker. She would leave me if she knew.

[biguy1940]

next time she randomly asks if youre gay tell her no but what would she do if you were...thatll give you a pretty good indication of where shes at on the issue...you never know, because she asks repeatedly she may be bi herself and just wants to know if you would be cool with it...hey, one can hope...lol

[Realist]

I think all of the above was good advice. But, only you will know your wife well enough to know how to approach her with this situation. I sounds to me like, from a safe distance, she'd be more open to it, than you think.

In a similar vein, I had a clandestine relationship with my ex's best friend's husband for over ten years. (While we were still married) I actually knew him for 6 years before we began being intimate. Even though I have always been relationships oriented and drawn to romantic connections, we were more platonic.....like friends with benefits. While our mates were off shopping, or going to craft fairs, he and I were having as much sex as we could handle.

I understand that full disclosure is not always a viable option, but in my case the cheating, hiding, and looking over my shoulders, took it's toll on me. I'd never cheated before, or after that marriage, so it wasn't in my nature to do so. But, like many others, I knew revealing my bisexuality would be the kiss of death for that marriage. I never was caught, but the marriage ended, anyway.

Women aren't dumb, they're natural born detectives and often have amazing intuition. I was extremely cautious and secretive, but it still amazes me I wasn't caught and lost everything I owned!

Like Clint Eastwood says, "Do you want to take the chance?"

If asked for advice I'd just say, do what is best for you....but you should consider your wife, too. Once those dominoes begin to fall.......................

Since, you've never been with a guy before, I'm not sure if it's best to keep your desires a fantasy, or submit to them.

Like Tenni wrote, some guys try it and find out it's not for them, but once a person tries sex with another of the same gender...especially with one who meets your expectations......what are the chances you'd want to do it again?

Good luck with whatever you chose to do!

[ErosUrge]

Boy does this bring back memories. I went through the same thing some 25 years ago with my ex-wife...the difference for me was that I stepped out and did play. I knew that if I revealed it, it would be the kiss of death to our relationship. I had told her prior to marrying her that I had been with men, but that I was certain it was over; and I actually believed it was. In our first months together, I firmly believed it was done and would not happen ever again. This period was a cycle in which I didn't want to be bi and prior to meeting her, I had been struggling to do away with my desires. And then when meeting her, I had no interest or desire for sex with men. Then when we decided to marry, I was convinced it was over. But eventually, those desires crept back in.

It started when a certain guy who was interested in getting together with me would always show up where I worked and eventually he began discussions about sex with guys asking if I had ever. And I told him I had thinking it would end there; but it didn't. By this time I was already fantasizing again about guys and hard cocks, so the temptation was great to be with this guy. I finally agreed to meet with him thinking it would be the one time only. I remember how turned on I was while it was all going on and I enjoyed myself very much. But after it was all over, I felt this incredible guilt about it. Thinking that feeling so bad about it and telling myself that would be the one and only time, I figured it was over. But it wasn't. It was over with him, but not with others. As the months went on, my desires got stronger and stronger and I continually acted out on them with the same scenario repeated over and over. I couldn't live with myself and was miserable. Though I loved sex with my wife, I think it became apparent to her that something was amiss. She never knew exactly what was going on, but she sensed something was. And she never asked me either. For me it was similar to Poe's Tale Tell Heart....ugh!

To sum this part of this up; I was totally miserable with myself and knew something had to change. So, the marriage ended. Ultimately I am convinced that it is because of not dealing with who I really was that led to the outcome even though she never found out.

Now, I am not trying to tell you that this is what is going to happen to you; NOT AT ALL. I really don't know. It's just that I can relate to being in love with someone and not wanting anything to threaten the relationship, yet having such intense desires that you can't break free from. Based on what you've described, it doesn't sound like the desires are going to go away either. I completely agree with REALIST when he says, "Women aren't dumb, they're natural born detectives and often have amazing intuition. I was extremely cautious and secretive, but it still amazes me I wasn't caught..." Like him, I wasn't caught either, but I did lose a lot... Yet from all of this and the years that followed I gained also and then came some of the greatest moments in my life; especially when I accepted and made peace with the fact that I was bi.

From all of this I am NOT about to dicate to you not to follow through with your urges and desires. As was pointed out by Tenni, some guys do try it and find out it's not for them and perhaps that is what will happen with you. But as REALIST also said, ...." once a person tries sex with another of the same gender...especially with one who meets your expectations......what are the chances you'd want to do it again?" Somewhere in all of this and inside you is where the answer is. I do hope that your wife will be accepting and perhaps she will be open to it....I certainly wish you the very best regardless of the outcome....hang in there.

[greenthumb95]

Boy does this bring back memories. I went through the same thing some 25 years ago with my ex-wife...the difference for me was that I stepped out and did play. I knew that if I revealed it, it would be the kiss of death to our relationship. I had told her prior to marrying her that I had been with men, but that I was certain it was over; and I actually believed it was. In our first months together, I firmly believed it was done and would not happen ever again. This period was a cycle in which I didn't want to be bi and prior to meeting her, I had been struggling to do away with my desires. And then when meeting her, I had no interest or desire for sex with men. Then when we decided to marry, I was convinced it was over. But eventually, those desires crept back in.

It started when a certain guy who was interested in getting together with me would always show up where I worked and eventually he began discussions about sex with guys asking if I had ever. And I told him I had thinking it would end there; but it didn't. By this time I was already fantasizing again about guys and hard cocks, so the temptation was great to be with this guy. I finally agreed to meet with him thinking it would be the one time only. I remember how turned on I was while it was all going on and I enjoyed myself very much. But after it was all over, I felt this incredible guilt about it. Thinking that feeling so bad about it and telling myself that would be the one and only time, I figured it was over. But it wasn't. It was over with him, but not with others. As the months went on, my desires got stronger and stronger and I continually acted out on them with the same scenario repeated over and over. I couldn't live with myself and was miserable. Though I loved sex with my wife, I think it became apparent to her that something was amiss. She never knew exactly what was going on, but she sensed something was. And she never asked me either. For me it was similar to Poe's Tale Tell Heart....ugh!

To sum this part of this up; I was totally miserable with myself and knew something had to change. So, the marriage ended. Ultimately I am convinced that it is because of not dealing with who I really was that led to the outcome even though she never found out.

Now, I am not trying to tell you that this is what is going to happen to you; NOT AT ALL. I really don't know. It's just that I can relate to being in love with someone and not wanting anything to threaten the relationship, yet having such intense desires that you can't break free from. Based on what you've described, it doesn't sound like the desires are going to go away either. I completely agree with REALIST when he says, "Women aren't dumb, they're natural born detectives and often have amazing intuition. I was extremely cautious and secretive, but it still amazes me I wasn't caught..." Like him, I wasn't caught either, but I did lose a lot... Yet from all of this and the years that followed I gained also and then came some of the greatest moments in my life; especially when I accepted and made peace with the fact that I was bi.

From all of this I am NOT about to dicate to you not to follow through with your urges and desires. As was pointed out by Tenni, some guys do try it and find out it's not for them and perhaps that is what will happen with you. But as REALIST also said, ...." once a person tries sex with another of the same gender...especially with one who meets your expectations......what are the chances you'd want to do it again?" Somewhere in all of this and inside you is where the answer is. I do hope that your wife will be accepting and perhaps she will be open to it....I certainly wish you the very best regardless of the outcome....hang in there.


Wow! Such amazing feedback and advice from you all so far. I guess at times I just feel so dirty because of the fantasies I have. I see a really hot guy, and all I can think about is what his beautiful penis would taste like or feel like inside me. I have no desire to date a man, but being a bottom..i do.

I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.

Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

[greenthumb95]

Wow! Such amazing feedback and advice from you all so far. I guess at times I just feel so dirty because of the fantasies I have. I see a really hot guy, and all I can think about is what his beautiful penis would taste like or feel like inside me. I have no desire to date a man, but being a bottom..i do.

I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.

Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?


Such amazing feedback and advice from you all so far. I guess at times I just feel so dirty because of the fantasies I have. I see a really hot guy, and all I can think about is what his beautiful penis would taste like or feel like inside me. I have no desire to date a man, but being a bottom..i do.

I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.

Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

[jackbirdjay]

Ask her if she would like a 3 way with another guy. If she likes hearing how u and the other guy would do to her then take it a step further. Started it out as only a fantasy what would she like and how stuff like that. Thats what I did with my wife she right now only thinks I am curious as we play in bed. She has used her toys on me. We talk about what it would be like. One night I took her dildo and put it in my mouth asked her if she would like seeing a cock in my mouth. She tells me she dose not want a 3 way because she's scare of catching some thing. Who knows we have watched bisexual porn together and she gets turned on by it. we will have to see where it leads.

[bityme]

I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex.

Curiosity is normal. Being curious or having fantasies does not mean your are bisexual. Personally, I would refer to it as being curious about alternative forms of sexual expression as opposed to using the label "bi-curious."


I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me.

How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything?

There is no why to tell ahead of time what her reaction would be. You could try to get some indicators by discussing some of the social issues that have come up during this election cycle like abortion and same sex marriages. If she is adamantly opposed to same sex marriage as a general proposition, it's an indication that your personal curiosity will not be well received.


The following incident happened over a year ago. . . . she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.

This incident seems to exhibit some understanding on her part that people can be curious about alternative sexual practices of others. It also indicates that she values honesty on your part. That could be an issue in that you have already discussed your curiosity with others rather than he first. If those discussions do get back to her, there is always the possibility that the non-disclosure to he could be viewed as a form of dishonesty.



it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies.

The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.

Is your wife aware of the teasing by others? If so, she may already have questions about your sexuality, or, she might just be joining in the fun at your expense.

An approach that might work is to initiate discussions about alternative forms of sexual expression on a general basis. The social issues in the election might be a starting point. The discussion can be broadened to include reference to your curiosity in the Craig's List incident.

On a personal basis you could bring up the teasing by others and, in particular, by her. Ask her what it is about you that makes people question your sexuality. If she presses the discussion toward a personal basis, you can easily say that like anyone else you have things you are curious about. With others having teased you and her joining in, it has caused you to sometimes wonder about your sexuality. Who wouldn't in those circumstances? You can ask her if she's ever wondered or fantasized about swinging or having sex with others?

Those types of discussions might give you enough of an indication about her reactions to decide whether or not you want to go further. If you do, it is very important to ensure that she knows your curiosity does not in any way diminish your feelings for her and that your have never taken any action on your fantasies, but that you feel it is important for you to be honest and open with her. As your communication about these issues improve, you can decide just how open you feel you can be.

If her reaction to any of your disclosures is extremely negative, you can always offer to seek counseling because your relationship with her is to important to let anything detract from it. If you do seek counseling, it may not change your curiosity, but might help you deal with it while preserving your marriage.

If she is understanding and positive, the two you can work thing out in the manner that is best for both of you.

The above is just a discussion of some possibilities. I am not in a position to give you any advice except to caution you not to take any action on your fantasies without having reached a complete understanding with your wife or having fully considered all of the possible consequences of any contemplated experimentation.

Pappy

[Bicuriousman]

you can bet if you have talked to her friends about it, she already knows and is just waiting for you to come clean.

[greenthumb95]

you can bet if you have talked to her friends about it, she already knows and is just waiting for you to come clean.

You may be right, but shes the type if she knew how many people ive shared it with, she would freak out and confront me about it. I guess i just wish i knew for certain what she thought already. It would help me approach the subject with her. I know it sounds chicken shit of me, but I would honestly love for her to suspect it enough that she brings it up.

[bikiniman]

I think it is very difficult to draw any conclusions about what your wife thinks from what she has said so far. Also I think it is dangerous to talk to her friends about it without talking to her first. This is more likely to freak her out than you telling her direct. You have not done anything wrong so there is really nothing to worry about it. You should bring it up first rather than waiting for her.

When I first told me wife she did freak out however she has since moved to a point of accepting this part of me.